I am split on this. On one hand it can seem logical that one could take their own life if desire to do so is overwhelming. But on the other hand our bodies avoid it like a plague.
Then there is also another thing that causes confusion, do I really want to die or I just have to escape my predicament and would be alive if things were more to my liking...
Whatever the case, our minds are a mess. I remember when I self harmed once and seeing blood made me feel empathy towards myself and I got the urge to take care of the wound immediately like I am caring for someone else not the person that agreed to this.
Instincts are a very powerful thing, especially when deliberate harm is involved. It is very complex and varies by individual. Having a visceral reaction to seeing your own injuries is a perfectly normal, and expected response, as well as dissociating and feeling like you're in another body while tending to those wounds. It's a means of coping with a stressful and difficult situation.
I agree with the OP that it is a bit disingenuous to say that anyone can go waltz off and do it of their own free will. There are so many things that can go wrong, and a person has to be meticulously planned and clandestine as to not arouse suspicion, making a suicidal individual feel as if they are committing a criminal act. It's stupidly easy in many countries to be detained by the police for being suicidal, so is it truly a choice someone can just go easily make? No.
I can relate to feeling detached and like a different person once those survival instincts kick in, though truthfully I've only been scared when inflicting harm onto myself. I think taking action is a very different ballgame compared to floating through life listlessly and waiting for death to come naturally- passive suicidality.
A year ago I had a bunch of tumors in my inside, some of which had fluid that leaked everywhere and caused me to nearly get sepsis and die. The pain was excruciating and I prayed for death, the surgeon who operated on me told me it was a miracle that I survived as long as I did with all of that going on. Yet, at this time I was not scared and 100% ready to go, even before I was doped up on painkillers and anesthetics. Even when others freaked out, I just wanted to be done and at peace. I wasn't afraid of dying then and actively welcomed it.
In contrast, catching the bus is very different to laying in a hospital bed with a poor prognosis, it requires deliberate action and a high pain tolerance, with no nurse at your bedside to administer a morphine drip if things get too rough. This is what truly makes going through with it difficult for me, those survival instincts that kick in with no real way to abate them, and serious consequences if one botches an attempt.
I've been on here for many years and learned my lesson so to speak about telling anyone I know irl how I feel. They won't get it, they don't understand why I have to do it, and I get no benefit from it as I know when I am ready to go it would only cause me further complications if someone suspects that I am going to do it. So it does make me sad to frequently see the view espoused here that if someone has SI, they aren't really suicidal.
I've been wanting to be gone for years and the feelings of raw hopelessness have only gotten worse, even if I've become slightly more numb over the years. Posting on here is the only outlet that myself and many others have, there really is no space for these persistent, long-term suicidal urges, and it doesn't make that pain any less real or valid if someone experiences fear too.
