Deleted member 23586
Hope ur final midnight feels like the hug you need
- Nov 8, 2020
- 208
*Apologies for inevitable typos.* Sidenote: I'm always so damn nervous posting these things. FML!
You know whats sad...It took me coming here, to finally feel an abundance of love and community. It me coming here to be heard. It took me falling to rock bottom and finding this site and one other person outside this site to find people. It makes me absolutely angry beyond disbelief. I have been searching for friendships, companionship, community, and people I can call family for most of my life, but really leaning into it the last almost 10 years. I've been in multiple communities on various sites trying to find some people to talk to. And its always the same things. I'm invisible, I have to deal with racism/anti-blackness, lgbtphobia leaps out, or it's just over all toxic. I've gone on discords aplenty, reddit, kik, dating apps, i've been doing things that put my mental health and life in immediate danger. In this i've been sexually assaulted, berated and told I was "retarded" & "Stupid) (gotta love ableism) for having mental disabilities, ghosted because I was too boring, and (yes this is a real reason 2 people gave me) that i was too nice of a person. One guy told me that he was getting way too attached to me, and I was too nice, and it was too much for him. I was so confused. One guy threatened to punch me because I was too nice when i was younger. I hugged one of my best friends at the time (he's no longer alive), and someone saw us. And I had the whole bus making fun of me and being really homophobic and telling me how much they all wanted to beat me up. It was so bad that I can no longer ride any bus (except....you know). Like at all. one guy actually DID punch me because I was too nice to him. This is all so fucking confusing to me. I really don't understand this. Men scare the absolute shit outta me. So violent to me my whole life for nothing. I hate being attracted to men. It don't make no damn sense.
I tell people what i need to keep on living. I tell people what they can do to make my life easier, because thats what they tell you to do. And it falls on deaf ears. Here I am accommodating for everyone else. Taking into consideration everyone elses well being, mental health, and doing everything I can to make sure everyone is comfortable, feels safe, and to come up with solutions to make things even a tiny bit better. Do they do that for me? No...they dont. I have two friends in particular where I'm always the one reaching out to do certain things. I make sure to make sure that they have someone there, that we can hang out together online (we all live far away from eachother which is on brand for my life), Make sure to come up with activities when can do, make sure if their lonely I ask what i can do or what they want, and if its in my power I try my best, as I know what its like to feel all those things. And in 10 years they have not once asked me to play a game with them, talk on the phone with me, video call, come to my aid at all. When i finally broke this year and decided to ctb...After I told one of them that i'm done with this life...they asked me the next day if i wanted to play a game with them...after years of telling them i would really appreciate if they did that one simple thing for me. And that it'll help me. I told him no, its too late as i dont wanna play with either one of them anymore. I've given up on life. I'm tired of trying. I was actually insulted. Like you didnt care till I told you I'm out, to only soothe your own conscious. What type of foolery? Do you think i'm dumb or something? Absolutely maddening. I've asked for help so many times i know i'm not worthy of help now. I'm not worth caring for. I'm not worth being loved. I'm obviously a liability. When i mention somethings, i get invalidated as if Idk what the hell i'm talking about.
"Hey, i'm really lonely and touched starved and i would really love if i had someone to be here and do that."
Response: "You don't need a man! You should love yourself! If you can't love yourself than others cant love you"
Uhm.....the reason you don't "need" a man is because you have a whole support system AND a man. You get the things you need from multiple avenues. And this is really saying "You don't deserve love because you don't love yourself". Like...ok...so i'll ctb since i obviously don't deserve love UNLESS I love myself even though people need to receive love and support to feel that about themselves. Even though the reason I feel this way is none of my fault logically. I'm also made to feel like its my fault, further making me hate myself and blah blah blah. I could go on and on about how wrong and ignorant this is. Toxic positivity kills people. Like I'm asking for ONE thing. And suddenly its "YOU DONT NEED THAT!!" honestly...and I mean this disrespectfully...Fuck you. Fuck you on the highest mountain with a nail gunned, sandpapered dildo. Kick rocks with an open toed boot. I've been trying to love myself BY myself forever. How can you say "everyone needs people and a support system" and recognize that, you have to make people feel loved to get loved. But then suddenly you don't deserve love or you shouldn't seek it out if you don't love yourself. You can't have it both ways. Pick a struggle. Just say you don't give a fuck and its not your problem and go! Don't waste my time with that BS.
Anyways just because YOU think you don't need something, doesnt mean it works like that for the rest of us. This isnt a one size fits all thing. I have been doing everything I'm "supposed" to do and getting nowhere fast.
Sorry, i just needed to let that out. Woo-muhfuckin-sah. I'm really angry today haha.
Hope everyone has a better day than yesterday. Big hugs to everyone.
*Stares at bottle of SN next to my bed lovingly*
You know whats sad...It took me coming here, to finally feel an abundance of love and community. It me coming here to be heard. It took me falling to rock bottom and finding this site and one other person outside this site to find people. It makes me absolutely angry beyond disbelief. I have been searching for friendships, companionship, community, and people I can call family for most of my life, but really leaning into it the last almost 10 years. I've been in multiple communities on various sites trying to find some people to talk to. And its always the same things. I'm invisible, I have to deal with racism/anti-blackness, lgbtphobia leaps out, or it's just over all toxic. I've gone on discords aplenty, reddit, kik, dating apps, i've been doing things that put my mental health and life in immediate danger. In this i've been sexually assaulted, berated and told I was "retarded" & "Stupid) (gotta love ableism) for having mental disabilities, ghosted because I was too boring, and (yes this is a real reason 2 people gave me) that i was too nice of a person. One guy told me that he was getting way too attached to me, and I was too nice, and it was too much for him. I was so confused. One guy threatened to punch me because I was too nice when i was younger. I hugged one of my best friends at the time (he's no longer alive), and someone saw us. And I had the whole bus making fun of me and being really homophobic and telling me how much they all wanted to beat me up. It was so bad that I can no longer ride any bus (except....you know). Like at all. one guy actually DID punch me because I was too nice to him. This is all so fucking confusing to me. I really don't understand this. Men scare the absolute shit outta me. So violent to me my whole life for nothing. I hate being attracted to men. It don't make no damn sense.
I tell people what i need to keep on living. I tell people what they can do to make my life easier, because thats what they tell you to do. And it falls on deaf ears. Here I am accommodating for everyone else. Taking into consideration everyone elses well being, mental health, and doing everything I can to make sure everyone is comfortable, feels safe, and to come up with solutions to make things even a tiny bit better. Do they do that for me? No...they dont. I have two friends in particular where I'm always the one reaching out to do certain things. I make sure to make sure that they have someone there, that we can hang out together online (we all live far away from eachother which is on brand for my life), Make sure to come up with activities when can do, make sure if their lonely I ask what i can do or what they want, and if its in my power I try my best, as I know what its like to feel all those things. And in 10 years they have not once asked me to play a game with them, talk on the phone with me, video call, come to my aid at all. When i finally broke this year and decided to ctb...After I told one of them that i'm done with this life...they asked me the next day if i wanted to play a game with them...after years of telling them i would really appreciate if they did that one simple thing for me. And that it'll help me. I told him no, its too late as i dont wanna play with either one of them anymore. I've given up on life. I'm tired of trying. I was actually insulted. Like you didnt care till I told you I'm out, to only soothe your own conscious. What type of foolery? Do you think i'm dumb or something? Absolutely maddening. I've asked for help so many times i know i'm not worthy of help now. I'm not worth caring for. I'm not worth being loved. I'm obviously a liability. When i mention somethings, i get invalidated as if Idk what the hell i'm talking about.
"Hey, i'm really lonely and touched starved and i would really love if i had someone to be here and do that."
Response: "You don't need a man! You should love yourself! If you can't love yourself than others cant love you"
Uhm.....the reason you don't "need" a man is because you have a whole support system AND a man. You get the things you need from multiple avenues. And this is really saying "You don't deserve love because you don't love yourself". Like...ok...so i'll ctb since i obviously don't deserve love UNLESS I love myself even though people need to receive love and support to feel that about themselves. Even though the reason I feel this way is none of my fault logically. I'm also made to feel like its my fault, further making me hate myself and blah blah blah. I could go on and on about how wrong and ignorant this is. Toxic positivity kills people. Like I'm asking for ONE thing. And suddenly its "YOU DONT NEED THAT!!" honestly...and I mean this disrespectfully...Fuck you. Fuck you on the highest mountain with a nail gunned, sandpapered dildo. Kick rocks with an open toed boot. I've been trying to love myself BY myself forever. How can you say "everyone needs people and a support system" and recognize that, you have to make people feel loved to get loved. But then suddenly you don't deserve love or you shouldn't seek it out if you don't love yourself. You can't have it both ways. Pick a struggle. Just say you don't give a fuck and its not your problem and go! Don't waste my time with that BS.
Anyways just because YOU think you don't need something, doesnt mean it works like that for the rest of us. This isnt a one size fits all thing. I have been doing everything I'm "supposed" to do and getting nowhere fast.
Sorry, i just needed to let that out. Woo-muhfuckin-sah. I'm really angry today haha.
Hope everyone has a better day than yesterday. Big hugs to everyone.
*Stares at bottle of SN next to my bed lovingly*
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