My life has been crumbling for the past 5 years and there's nothing I can do to not feel like I'm being tortured but end it all. It just got so dumb and I've wanted to do it since i was 10 and It just kept getting worse and worse. He was the first guy I admitted to liking and we didn't do much but he started telling me he wanted to kill himself and he was cutting so I told the counselor and he just stopped talking about it with me. I accidentally outed him because I was bragging about how big his dick was one day but he seemed okay and started saying he was bi and wearing Ariana grande shirts and i set him up with my hottest girl friend. They broke up and he got with this girl who made him stop smoking weed and talking to his "bad influence friends" and obviously exes. We started texting back and forth in Spanish so his new girlfriend didn't know what we were saying and she tried fistfighting me in the hallway. He started to get chubbier and not shave and I had him in our history teachers last period and I would silently sob in the back because I knew something was going to happen and it did I said all of this but no one believed me because I'm overdramatic until our digital media teacher told us we weren't even allowed to put anything about him on the announcements after because I was right and his mom doesn't want attention on him.
After this I got into an argument with my grandmother after she opened the door and yelled at contractors when I told her not to in front of me because her and my mother expected me to fight their battles for them. She started saying some bullshit so I started punching filing cabinets and jumping up and down and while there was a table on perched on top of another table behind me she lunged at me so I put my hand up and she fell. She told me to get out so I went to go to the hospital like I had a million times before until I found a friends trailer I could eat entire bottles of lithium, fall asleep, wake up to vomit and crash and have the most beautiful rest in the womb of the trailer after. While she was getting scanned to get charges on me, they found cancer in her, so they focused on that. I didn't. They waited until the last minute to tell me and I never said sorry or bye. I kind of feel bad but not worse than I feel about the guy I fucked. Growing up, when my drunk mother would beat me in the face with the sharp end of a broken curtain rod until I bled or sucker punched me after we got into arguments after she yelled at me for sitting on the couch for too long and denting it, she'd say it's because we're too much alike. After my food stamps weren't enough to suffice my friend, I lied and told them I had an appointment in the city, so they drove me there and I ghosted them and went to live with my mother until I got SSDI for the PTSD she gave me and went into an apartment building for people with disabilities. There a man who lives on my floor drunkenly (and "jokingly") threatened to rob me because he saw the ubers to work I was getting into and thought I had money. Later on halloween, a woman in nothing but a coat tried breaking into my place and turns out it was his sister. I asked my landlord to move and she said no. Waiting for the bus one day, a woman was looking over me at the map so I moved and she started following me so I moved again, to which she asked if we had a problem and threatened to stab me. My mom lied and said she had cancer fibromyalgia spider bites, everything to get me to watch my autistic brother and take off work and turns out she just drank herself into a brain aneurysm and won't stop drinking. She fell down the stairs and lost custody of my brother, went to rehab, called and lied to the police and said I was missing so they hunted me down and got out and asked me to buy her beer. I didn't cooked her meals for five days straight until we got into an argument over whether someone not asking to choke you during sex is rape (it is) so she called the police to tell them I wouldn't leave as I was packing my things. So about 2 weeks ago I moved across the country and can't find a job soooooo I'm thinking of mixing some nasty stuff together and falling asleep in a shed with it and hoping for the best. i tried. and i'm tired. I can't wait to not let anyone hurt me anymore and just sleep. I really have hated or forgot about everyone I've met. I'm broken. It's whatever though. I know it's close because I'm smiling about thinking about doing it instead of just feeling like a failure.
After this I got into an argument with my grandmother after she opened the door and yelled at contractors when I told her not to in front of me because her and my mother expected me to fight their battles for them. She started saying some bullshit so I started punching filing cabinets and jumping up and down and while there was a table on perched on top of another table behind me she lunged at me so I put my hand up and she fell. She told me to get out so I went to go to the hospital like I had a million times before until I found a friends trailer I could eat entire bottles of lithium, fall asleep, wake up to vomit and crash and have the most beautiful rest in the womb of the trailer after. While she was getting scanned to get charges on me, they found cancer in her, so they focused on that. I didn't. They waited until the last minute to tell me and I never said sorry or bye. I kind of feel bad but not worse than I feel about the guy I fucked. Growing up, when my drunk mother would beat me in the face with the sharp end of a broken curtain rod until I bled or sucker punched me after we got into arguments after she yelled at me for sitting on the couch for too long and denting it, she'd say it's because we're too much alike. After my food stamps weren't enough to suffice my friend, I lied and told them I had an appointment in the city, so they drove me there and I ghosted them and went to live with my mother until I got SSDI for the PTSD she gave me and went into an apartment building for people with disabilities. There a man who lives on my floor drunkenly (and "jokingly") threatened to rob me because he saw the ubers to work I was getting into and thought I had money. Later on halloween, a woman in nothing but a coat tried breaking into my place and turns out it was his sister. I asked my landlord to move and she said no. Waiting for the bus one day, a woman was looking over me at the map so I moved and she started following me so I moved again, to which she asked if we had a problem and threatened to stab me. My mom lied and said she had cancer fibromyalgia spider bites, everything to get me to watch my autistic brother and take off work and turns out she just drank herself into a brain aneurysm and won't stop drinking. She fell down the stairs and lost custody of my brother, went to rehab, called and lied to the police and said I was missing so they hunted me down and got out and asked me to buy her beer. I didn't cooked her meals for five days straight until we got into an argument over whether someone not asking to choke you during sex is rape (it is) so she called the police to tell them I wouldn't leave as I was packing my things. So about 2 weeks ago I moved across the country and can't find a job soooooo I'm thinking of mixing some nasty stuff together and falling asleep in a shed with it and hoping for the best. i tried. and i'm tired. I can't wait to not let anyone hurt me anymore and just sleep. I really have hated or forgot about everyone I've met. I'm broken. It's whatever though. I know it's close because I'm smiling about thinking about doing it instead of just feeling like a failure.
