Venting No one cares after your 2+ CTB attempt

[immrw]

I've been hospitalized 3 times for failed attempts. After my first one, I received so many messages from friends/family members saying how much they love me and that I can always talk to them.

After my 2nd and 3rd attempts... crickets. No one said anything. It's like people only say this shit to you to absolve themselves morally. They did what they could, wasn't anything more they could have done.

The thing is, I was hurting just as bad in all 3 attempts. I wasn't attention seeking. I genuinely wanted my life to end. But ig it lost novelty and was old news for people. My pain became easier and easier to ignore. My dad told me to "stop thinking funny."

A giant joke I must be to everyone around me. Who fails CTB three times? Losers, probably.

 

[sincerelysad]

felt this , no one cares if u can't manage to die lol

people care about the unborn and the dead moreso than the living

 

[Someone123]

Sadly, only about 1 in 23 attempts is successul. Usually it is carefully planned attempts with high percentage methods that work. Low p-ercentage methods incloude cutting, pills, and partialo hnaging. Partila hanging is a mystery- some people seem to get this right on the first try, though it is rare.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that it's true that a lot of people only really care about what directly affects themselves, it's just the way that many people are and you cannot really rely on them. But to me it sounds so awful failing ctb 3 times, that's what I fear, it's horrible how methods can potentially go wrong and just lead to more suffering being experienced.

 

[Hotsackage]

pretty much y ive cut off everyone. they dont understand and just look at me with condescending remarks when they wonder y im suffering.. so screwem

 

[Someone123]

I do think that once they reach out the first time and then a person tries again they think- I tried that and it didn't work, plus they know that they can call me- that's my guess anyway. Maybe on some level some of them hope that you can find peace through ctb, though they can't say this, it's not something society generally accepts.

 

[ForeverLonely82]

Very, very true. They are like "well we tried, they'll do it anyway. Fuck them" that's pretty much the attitude. I'd honest feel better if they just not cared at all. I don't need pretentious actions nor do I want them.

 

[Shadowlord900]

Admittedly I know nothing of the methods and/or the condition you was in afterwards, but providing you physically recovered alright, best to ignore what others think and just be glad you haven't taken any seriously bad permanent damage, and can make another attempt again later.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

I had a friend who said the same thing about going to rehab. The first time all of her friends and extended family were really supportive. The second, third, and fourth time that support dropped off. I think sometimes people don't really know what to say after something doesn't work the first time.

 

[hungry_ghost]

May I ask: What do you expect from them?

I'm assuming you don't want to recover, and likely have waved away suggestions at a solution.

Other people can only do so much - they cannot make you feel better or change your circumstances for you.

You can't get mad at them when they are simply allowing you the space to make your choice.

The only recourse to stopping someone who really wants to die would be to lock them up, and that is anti-choice.

 

[Mlee75]

Sometimes people cannot imagine life without you and can't imagine that you would really go through with it. Other times people just don't know what to do anymore.
When I was a teenager I had a noose hanging off the tree in the backyard until it disintegrated and came down. Not one word from my parents. My father never noticed it and my mother just thought I was being a teenager. If you want action from an outside party you have to be bold and clear in your words.

 

[CTB Dream]

This truth human same chemic puppet see same same repeat be bore , want new thing see ctb 1 hype ctb 10000 bored. Life wrong human wrong all wrong.

 

[pickajack]

@immrw That sounds super painful. I'm sorry you're not getting the continuing support from people around you. You are not a "loser".
Like @Someone123 said, most attempts are not successful. And still being in pain after going through all that just sucks.

 

[hellgirlredux]

I've failed paracetamol 2 times, tourniquet/compression as described in five last acts about 10 times and I also tried to OD on salt and eucalyptus oil. You're not alone

 

[immrw]

May I ask: What do you expect from them?

I'm assuming you don't want to recover, and likely have waved away suggestions at a solution.

Honestly, just a phone call sometimes. Checking in on me. Not just trying to contact me when I'm on the verge on ctb, but contacting me to see how my day has been. I very much would like to recover, and I'm a bit hurt by that comment ngl. I would love to feel better. I've been in therapy for 5 years and have tried all the advice given to me. But I don't think I can progress when I feel excruciating loneliness every day. I do reach out to people, and they say they'll get back to me, but never do. That's why it hurts-- if you're too busy for me, just say so. Don't pretend to care when you know it's beyond your means to do so.

 

[stermc]

You are not a loser because you failed. I used to feel the same way about myself, but then I realized suicide is hard! To get over SI is SO hard. To make the method work (depending on the method) is also not easy! We are doing all of these things on our own, without any help. It's freaking hard to make it work sometimes!
That's why I believe we should have the right to decide weather we want to live or die. We shouldn't have to do all these scary things.

About people not caring after several attempts, yes! It's true, at least happened the same to me. It's like they start thinking we are trying to draw attention. Some of them don't usually think we are actually going to do it.

And also I have realized people care about us when we are dead. If I kill myself today, I am sure all of my friends (that don't even care about me rn) would be there mourning and asking themselves what they could have done.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

I wish nobody would care. Unfortunately even if you think nobody in your life cares, society in general will care. But it doesn't do us any good.

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

Honestly, just a phone call sometimes. Checking in on me. Not just trying to contact me when I'm on the verge on ctb, but contacting me to see how my day has been.

In my experience, this appears to be a general trend nowadays. I'm still trying to figure out what it is, exactly, but most people I've dealt with are absolutely dreadful at staying in touch or checking in on friends and loved ones. It's even more pronounced when you are not present on social media—you may as well have fallen off the face of the planet at that point.

It's probably lousy consolation, but having seen this trend of self-absorption for a while now, I'd offer that people do care, they're just shit at showing it. You being on the verge of CTB is enough of a shock to wake them up for a while and reach out. But after things settle down, they slip back into the self-absorption of everyday life. Unfortunately, I can't offer a solution to that beyond adjusting what you expect from people—again, a lousy solution, but I haven't been able to find anything better yet.

 

[Superdeterminist]

People don't care on the first attempt either, at least I know that will be true for me. Imo, assuming no one ever cares is the safe bet. Can't be disappointed then.

 

[immrw]

It's even more pronounced when you are not present on social media—you may as well have fallen off the face of the planet at that point.

So true! I deleted many of my socials because it was making my depression worse. Ever since then, basically no one talks to me.

 

[JM2RXA]

So true! I deleted many of my socials because it was making my depression worse. Ever since then, basically no one talks to me.

It reminds me of the poem, "Who Cares" by Ethan Jewell:

"I mean, I know it sounds harsh but often that's what reality is
You see, it started out slowly
Notifications on my phone became an uncommon occurrence"

[...]

"If I stopped texting them first, I would never hear from them again"

 

[UKscotty]

People just dont care really. They will say they do but as soon as you become a hassle, they will lose any interest whatsoever.

 

[Fulminare]

I agree with you. People seem to genuinely start caring once someone's dead. I never quite understood that.

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

"If I stopped texting them first, I would never hear from them again"

I've noticed it's not so much "never" as it is "when they need something." It used to bother me quite a lot, but I'm changing my mindset in that regard.

So true! I deleted many of my socials because it was making my depression worse. Ever since then, basically no one talks to me.

Personally, I find that quality beats quantity of interactions every single time. Social media interactions tend to be so comically superficial that I'm not really missing out on anything by not participating. And it has the added benefit of not being exposed to a bunch of content that does nothing for me but ruin my mood.

 

[StarFaded]

felt this , no one cares if u can't manage to die lol

people care about the unborn and the dead moreso than the living

This is the ugly truth that people refuse to acknowledge.

I agree with you. People seem to genuinely start caring once someone's dead. I never quite understood that.

Is it really genuine care though? Or is it just self-serving guilt which unfortunately is more in line with my own observations.

 

[jamie_]

ye people just do not care lol.

It's like people only say this shit to you to absolve themselves morally. They did what they could, wasn't anything more they could have done.

^ word for word, this. said person didn't even care the first time. just reading off the script to sound like they do. empty words. by the 2nd, 3rd time what's the point repeating them – didn't mean anything the first time.

 

[Per Ardua Ad Astra]

For 2+ years of 10+ official reports of SI to Doctors; via various concerned medical/ family/ authorities — the result?

— repeated — mocking taunting , laughing at my distress ,
insinuating I was faking it for attention , ignoring our texts,
"forgetting" our appointments,
lying about help via social services , etc

Ive been referred/ discharged 4x now— bounced back to GP for neglecting my increasingly complex physical illnesses— or offered Psych ward — for physical illnesses

This led to my 2x failed attempts — which caused me much further neuro / physical damage

I despair of my adopted local "healthcare" — as their ongoing malpractice has left me so severely / catastrophically physically debilitated to escape to better region / country — including my homeland with MAiD

 

[Walilamdzii]

I've failed paracetamol 2 times, tourniquet/compression as described in five last acts about 10 times and I also tried to OD on salt and eucalyptus oil. You're not alone

Hey, I'm trying to plan compression method... could you tell me why you failed? Also how bad is the mark it leaves?