No one actually cares & I'm letting the world go.

[Livingvsdying25]

Title says it all. No one actually cares. They can just say words and it doesn't actually mean anything. Im done like officially. One only needs to be rejected subtly or overtly to know. Iver regular attempts at connecting and then I dunno why the fuck helplines or even therapist or support workers suggest or ask about reaching out to friends. Literally no one wants to be around someone who so often experiences suicide or at least me. What can anyone do anyway? Ig just being there is enough but it's too much & that's obvious.

Anyway its not like anyone is obligated so. I deleted all contacts. Im done. Its not gonna be a turning point this time. I dunno why people said I mattered when thats a lie. I hate myself and apparently only valuable and wanted when well so.

If I wanted someone I could call my Mom & she'd be so happy with how alone I am/ feel. My Dad knows how sick I currently am and never called or texted me back. Im sure he's complained to my brother who just agreeded and added his own points.


Anyway....

Im so fucking sick today. I can barly breathe, move, my stomach is fucked, can barly eat more than a few bites, everytime I get up im sooo dizzy. POTS really fucking sucks.

Only relief is sleep which I induced earlier with "Extra" meds. Dunno how long this flareup will last. But while its going on just going to use it to search up methods and shit. I dont wanna do anything gruesome but need to bc I don't have access to anything else so working on like getting to get myself to do the things....

Just disabled all the permissions settings in my phone & messages. I am doing the world and myself a favor. Next time I need help I will keep on suffering alone if I can't handle it alone. Hoping to end this soon though.

 

[puella]

You deserve to be cared about. Everyone matters enough to at least be treated with kindness. But the world is unfair, I'm sorry you haven't been cared for.

I hope you start feeling a little less sick soon. I have very low blood pressure, so I understand feelings like chronic weakness and dizziness. I know it can be hard to keep food down, but I hope you eat enough to prevent malnourishment.