I try to go straight to the point
I booked a therapy after thorough research to address my complex trauma hoping that it will help with my contribution
I am stuck again in my parents home after returning from a short independent life lived in another country (always in agony by the way) and now I don't have the driving force to do something and leave again my toxic parents.
I do not regret returning here because I was not feeling any better any way, I have not liked the country I was ended for work, and I wanted to start from my country without suddenly escaping.
Sometimes I feel like drowning in agony like today, where I want to ctb but I do not have even the strength and the means to do/plan it.
I have an issue exactly with planning for my life, think even if I could plan something like a suicide with these days getting more difficult to access peaceful methods.
Other times I feel better but still do nothing to change my situation, I feel like a bad soul and being aware of my past and my parents how they affected me growing in this environment has not helped in a proactive way. It is so hard to overcome everything. Just saying when I was a child my mother threatened physically to yeet me from the balcony of my house for not eating my plate. And this contributed to the complex trauma I have today added to repetitive traumatic events and emotional abuse.
What is the point of reaching even success, living on my own terms if I am affected so badly from this childhood. Will I ever survive and experience happiness and love for what is worth it?
It's pure agony to have thoughts of ctbing and thoughts of wanting to do something in order to change my life, like a plan. But I feel like a failure in doing them.
I want also to become an entrepreneur and work on my own terms. But my self esteem is so low that I do not have the means to do anything for real.
I do not have a job for the moment so I am stuck anyway in my parents house.
I do not even know if meds would help, I do not have even the strength to tell it to my doctor (GP) due to my social anxiety and toxic shame that I am aware of but I cannot overcome right now. And my mother has always been in contact with my doctor that would trigger my toxic shame, that's why.
I feel so hopeless.
I booked a therapy after thorough research to address my complex trauma hoping that it will help with my contribution
I am stuck again in my parents home after returning from a short independent life lived in another country (always in agony by the way) and now I don't have the driving force to do something and leave again my toxic parents.
I do not regret returning here because I was not feeling any better any way, I have not liked the country I was ended for work, and I wanted to start from my country without suddenly escaping.
Sometimes I feel like drowning in agony like today, where I want to ctb but I do not have even the strength and the means to do/plan it.
I have an issue exactly with planning for my life, think even if I could plan something like a suicide with these days getting more difficult to access peaceful methods.
Other times I feel better but still do nothing to change my situation, I feel like a bad soul and being aware of my past and my parents how they affected me growing in this environment has not helped in a proactive way. It is so hard to overcome everything. Just saying when I was a child my mother threatened physically to yeet me from the balcony of my house for not eating my plate. And this contributed to the complex trauma I have today added to repetitive traumatic events and emotional abuse.
What is the point of reaching even success, living on my own terms if I am affected so badly from this childhood. Will I ever survive and experience happiness and love for what is worth it?
It's pure agony to have thoughts of ctbing and thoughts of wanting to do something in order to change my life, like a plan. But I feel like a failure in doing them.
I want also to become an entrepreneur and work on my own terms. But my self esteem is so low that I do not have the means to do anything for real.
I do not have a job for the moment so I am stuck anyway in my parents house.
I do not even know if meds would help, I do not have even the strength to tell it to my doctor (GP) due to my social anxiety and toxic shame that I am aware of but I cannot overcome right now. And my mother has always been in contact with my doctor that would trigger my toxic shame, that's why.
I feel so hopeless.
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