Venting No more energy...

[antigone_iris]

This year I've been on the wackiest emotional rollercoaster. It started all hopeful with self development attempts, me trying to take my creative endeavors to another level. Then I fell for a guy I used to have a major crush on in high school. We didn't meet, we interacted online. Weird stuff happened, lots of coincidences and sh*t. I was such a fool thinking anything would happen. Things went downhill. I relapsed and my depression came back. My creative thing didn't work because nobody cares (duh!), the guy clearly wasn't interested (ghosted me after we connected, like wtf dude?!), I got ignored by employers after sending CVs. Great... There was no other option left for me than to become cynical again. I feel numb now, I don't care about going online anymore, I don't care about the big illusion called love anymore, I don't care about my creative work anymore, I just breathe and move around. I've become a zombie of sorts. I'm feeling lonely and ugly, and selfish, and awful, just awful. Can't believe that I had the audacity to hope for a better future...! My last glimmer of hope is gone. This time for good. I'm out of energy, out of patience, out of hope. Sorry for the negativity. Thank you for reading.

 

[Ghost2211]

I completely understand what you mean by out of energy. I'm at the same place. I'm just going with the flow of life, and if it works out it works out and if it doesn't it doesn't. I wish there was more I could say or do to help sending you hugs.

 

[Good4Nothing]

I feel the same.

 

[antigone_iris]

I completely understand what you mean by out of energy. I'm at the same place. I'm just going with the flow of life, and if it works out it works out and if it doesn't it doesn't. I wish there was more I could say or do to help sending you hugs.

Thank you! I hope things will work out for you

 

[Weather]

This year is total sh*t. I think even folks that have things going relatively right are feeling exhausted and hopeless.

For what it's worth, I find you to be smart and interesting. Do you want to share your creative endeavor here? I'd love to learn more about it.

 

[antigone_iris]

This year is total sh*t. I think even folks that have things going relatively right are feeling exhausted and hopeless.

For what it's worth, I find you to be smart and interesting. Do you want to share your creative endeavor here? I'd love to learn more about it.

You're right.

Thank you! That's very kind of you to say. I used to make music on my computer, using virtual instruments and a few unpublished acoustic demos.

 

[Weather]

I used to make music on my computer, using virtual instruments and a few unpublished acoustic demos.

That sounds like something that could be really rewarding to do, even just for yourself. Do you think you might still get some sort of spark from it if you worked on it some more? I am not a technological person, so I don't even know how you do it!

 

[Good4Nothing]

You're right.

Thank you! That's very kind of you to say. I used to make music on my computer, using virtual instruments and a few unpublished acoustic demos.

Hey, a fellow musician! Although I haven't made music in 20 years...
I used to record in my bedroom on a 4-track machine. No computers then. Just some guitars, a few percussion instruments, and some cheap microphones.
I also had a band, so most of the time I was playing with them.
I miss being creative, I miss making music, but I just don't give a shit anymore. My passion is gone. I don't have the energy anymore. I have a hard time caring about anything, really.

 

[antigone_iris]

That sounds like something that could be really rewarding to do, even just for yourself. Do you think you might still get some sort of spark from it if you worked on it some more? I am not a technological person, so I don't even know how you do it!

Perhaps. I still like making music, it's a part of me. I don't want to do it just for myself, I think art of any kind is meant to be shared, because it brings people together.

Hey, a fellow musician! Although I haven't made music in 20 years...
I used to record in my bedroom on a 4-track machine. No computers then. Just some guitars, a few percussion instruments, and some cheap microphones.
I also had a band, so most of the time I was playing with them.
I miss being creative, I miss making music, but I just don't give a shit anymore. My passion is gone. I don't have the energy anymore. I have a hard time caring about anything, really.

Hey, fellow musician! I'm sorry that your passion is gone. I respect your experience. Sometimes I wish I was born earlier. Analogue music making is more fun from what I've seen at other musicians. If I ay ask, what kind of music did you play with your band?

 

[Good4Nothing]

Just rock and roll. Original songs, with influences from rockabilly, surf, 60s pop, and punk.

 

[antigone_iris]

Just rock and roll. Original songs, with influences from rockabilly, surf, 60s pop, and punk.

Awesome!

 

[Good4Nothing]

What kind of music do you play?

 

[antigone_iris]

What kind of music do you play?

Rock and electronic with a poppy touch.

 

[DocNo]

This year I've been on the wackiest emotional rollercoaster. It started all hopeful with self development attempts, me trying to take my creative endeavors to another level. Then I fell for a guy I used to have a major crush on in high school. We didn't meet, we interacted online. Weird stuff happened, lots of coincidences and sh*t. I was such a fool thinking anything would happen. Things went downhill. I relapsed and my depression came back. My creative thing didn't work because nobody cares (duh!), the guy clearly wasn't interested (ghosted me after we connected, like wtf dude?!), I got ignored by employers after sending CVs. Great... There was no other option left for me than to become cynical again. I feel numb now, I don't care about going online anymore, I don't care about the big illusion called love anymore, I don't care about my creative work anymore, I just breathe and move around. I've become a zombie of sorts. I'm feeling lonely and ugly, and selfish, and awful, just awful. Can't believe that I had the audacity to hope for a better future...! My last glimmer of hope is gone. This time for good. I'm out of energy, out of patience, out of hope. Sorry for the negativity. Thank you for reading.

hi,

i can relate to a lot of things you said. twice in my life i came to the point where i gave up completely on myself. the first time i was finally able to produce my own piece of graphics instead of contract work. and nobody cared. then for the first time in my life despite having lots of depression before, i gave up completely, wasted my money by doing nothing for a year in the hope that this cornering myself would give me the strength of desperation to finish myself off.
but standing for about two hours on a stool with a noose around my neck i had some kind of clarity and then one of the best years for a long time. but at my second attempt to do some work which comes from me i again came to the low point, feeling that i am just to mediocre to achieve something good and another year in darkness wasted, till i was close to loosing my appartment and having nothing. that was about two weeks ago when i registered here more to talk about my ctb setting.

and then i got from a suicidial rate 8 (with partly being close to 10 in the months before) to 0.
don't know how long it goes cause i feel the darkness could be around any corner and also it's unclear if can escape the financial mess i put myself into.
but one difference i notice. before 2 weeks ago i always fought this fight alone, cause i couldn't connect to anybody. relationsships - that ship has sailed 20 years ago and i was sure, it would never come back. but since i came here i feel the first time not like an alien.

and maybe this feeling of having some connection makes some difference now. so right now i am somehow hopeful. but let's see what future brings. i guess this feeling of downfall cause of the pandemic doesn't make it easier to have perspective. right now i try to take it step by step.

i hope, you find somebody here who you can deeply connect with and maybe find some energy this way.
but no matter where your life takes you, i hope that you find some peace.

 

[antigone_iris]

hi,

i can relate to a lot of things you said. twice in my life i came to the point where i gave up completely on myself. the first time i was finally able to produce my own piece of graphics instead of contract work. and nobody cared. then for the first time in my life despite having lots of depression before, i gave up completely, wasted my money by doing nothing for a year in the hope that this cornering myself would give me the strength of desperation to finish myself off.
but standing for about two hours on a stool with a noose around my neck i had some kind of clarity and then one of the best years for a long time. but at my second attempt to do some work which comes from me i again came to the low point, feeling that i am just to mediocre to achieve something good and another year in darkness wasted, till i was close to loosing my appartment and having nothing. that was about two weeks ago when i registered here more to talk about my ctb setting.

and then i got from a suicidial rate 8 (with partly being close to 10 in the months before) to 0.
don't know how long it goes cause i feel the darkness could be around any corner and also it's unclear if can escape the financial mess i put myself into.
but one difference i notice. before 2 weeks ago i always fought this fight alone, cause i couldn't connect to anybody. relationsships - that ship has sailed 20 years ago and i was sure, it would never come back. but since i came here i feel the first time not like an alien.

and maybe this feeling of having some connection makes some difference now. so right now i am somehow hopeful. but let's see what future brings. i guess this feeling of downfall cause of the pandemic doesn't make it easier to have perspective. right now i try to take it step by step.

i hope, you find somebody here who you can deeply connect with and maybe find some energy this way.
but no matter where your life takes you, i hope that you find some peace.

Hi! Thank you so much for sharing your story. I find it very moving, especially this part: "standing for about two hours on a stool with a noose around my neck i had some kind of clarity and then one of the best years for a long time." Wow! You seem to be a strong and brave person. I, too, hope that you find peace regardless of the path that you choose to go on. I'm rooting for you that you'll overcome all the obstacles that stand in your way and that you'll find what you're looking for. Thank you so much for writing here, I really appreciate it.

 

[sarahR]

I totally relate to every single word you said. A broken relationship with a loser that player with my emotions and used me like a puppet made me the way you are feeling now

 

[DocNo]

Hi! Thank you so much for sharing your story. I find it very moving, especially this part: "standing for about two hours on a stool with a noose around my neck i had some kind of clarity and then one of the best years for a long time." Wow! You seem to be a strong and brave person. I, too, hope that you find peace regardless of the path that you choose to go on. I'm rooting for you that you'll overcome all the obstacles that stand in your way and that you'll find what you're looking for. Thank you so much for writing here, I really appreciate it.

thanks for your kind words.

right now i am taking it step by step and also live a bit more in the now.
i far too much lived in the past or future.

for me this time where i gave up and did nothing also felt very numb. not even taking a moment thinking about my ideas. at some point i was partly so empty and exhausted by this complete lack of purpose it felt nearly as some dementia would start. i partly starred into the void not being able to hold simple thoughts. i even partly (as i mentioned in other posts maybe) couldn't interpret my own thoughts from better days like my IQ dropped by 10 points.

the passion thing is also something i struggle with. sometimes it feels that i can't get back this enthusiastic energy of younger years.

i don't know how your relations to other people were before you came here. i lived very isolated the last 20 years. having no real deep connections to anybody. also hating myself being with others cause i always felt i can't be fully myself. but the struggle to be myself not having to hide parts of me goes far back to my childhood.
it was just masked by the manic energy of the youth till my mid 20ies.

i wish i could say it gets better - till two weeks before it didn't and now it's too short to say what the outcome will be.
but i guess i never felt so home (which somehow sounds nearly ridiculous) like i do now here with some people.

don't know if some of that helps or if i am just talking a bit too much ^^

 

[antigone_iris]

right now i am taking it step by step and also live a bit more in the now.
i far too much lived in the past or future.

That's great!

at some point i was partly so empty and exhausted by this complete lack of purpose it felt nearly as some dementia would start. i partly starred into the void not being able to hold simple thoughts. i even partly (as i mentioned in other posts maybe) couldn't interpret my own thoughts from better days like my IQ dropped 10 points.

I know that feeling. It's the same for me.

i wish i could say it gets better - till two weeks before it didn't and now it's too short to say what the outcome will be.
but i guess i never felt so home (which somehow sounds nearly ridiculous) like i do now here with some people.

don't know if some of that helps or if i am just talking a bit too much ^^

This is a nice, welcoming community. I believe anonymity helps people be a bit more open.

It is helpful, don't worry I'm happy to talk to you.

 

[antigone_iris]

so good night/day or if you calling in from a spaceship good whatever :D

Same to you

 

[DocNo]

Same to you

thanx.
deleted that post. felt somehow to narrow-minded - should really get some sleep ^^

cu