Venting No message...no one really cares... I'm turning into a worse person!

[nopointofliving]

I'm such a kind person, who always cares about others. I used to care about everyone. I used to help everyone. I used to give them number one priority while caring less about myself. I was so positive and energetic.

Years ago, a friend suffered from depression, I stood for her, I tried to stay with her in every moment. I genuinely tried to help her to improve her life.

I fell in love with someone at that time, I gave my all to the relation. I wanted him to be successful no matter what. I always stood for him and wanted him to be a better person. I was building my own small business back then, and I named my whole work after his name. I wanted us (me and him) to be united forever and I was ready to do everything for that relation. After 5 years, he left me saying bad words about me and my family. He said I had a great ego that he couldn't tolerate. He might had understood my nature in a wrong way; I do really know many things, and I make many things on my own, maybe he was insecure in my presence. But it wasn't my intention at all. I loved him for real, and I was working for us all the time.

He left me, and I pretended to be a strong lady. I stood for myself telling myself: "he wasn't the one , forgive him and move on.". I didn't tell him any bad word, I wished him well and he left. Then, I got introduced to another guy, he was such a beautiful person. He proposed me, and I told him: "sorry, I'm not ready, and this relation won't ever work". He insisted too much, and months later he made me fall hard for him. 2 years later, he said: "I'm sorry, i don't mean to hurt you, but I cant be with you". I told him: "It's okay, I wish you all happiness ". In fact I was dying within. He manipulated me to get into a relation that I refused to be in the first place. I started hating myself then. I opened up to this man, I shared my ideas, my visions, my being with him. I also was there for him; I taught him many things, helped him in my life situations. Trust me, when I go crazy for someone, I do everything to make him happy. I know this isn't healthy at all.

At this point, my life started decaying. Depression hit hard. I stopped doing my online work, no daily study, no trying for my empty life, gave up my faith.... everything collapsed. I tried to talk with people about it, guess what no one was there.

Remember that friend whom I helped her with life challenges, she started attacking my behavior indirectly. I stopped telling her my feelings. My first ex returned and I thought he wanted to fix me, LOL. He said: "if you want to be with me, you should give up your ego". Guess what, I was/am in a terrible situation but I told him: "I disrespected myself too much, I'm keeping my ego this time". He left again LOL.

Other friends just got bored with my regular negative state, they were there when I was positive and energetic. They used to get some light from me. Now I need that light but they all disappeared, they can't even handle my negativity. Some people message me saying: "we need some inspiration from you" and when they get to know that I'm decaying, they leave. How funny life is! How unfair life is!

So now I have no one. Actually zero online and local people really care about me except mum. I get no messages. And the worse part isn't getting no messages or having no one but losing myself. I'm losing my kind self. Now I hate everyone, I don't want to help anyone. I'm scared seeing myself changing to the worse. I think I need to learn how to protect myself, or maybe I should learn to let it all fall apart.

I talked too much, thank you for reading :)

 

[MyOwnWorstEnemy]

Hi, I really feel for you and can identify pretty much with everything you've said. I've been let down so much my friends when I was there for them yet they never for me I've not had any for years, my first wife pulled me in then treated me terribly and my second wife has just ended our marriage and said many hurtful things when she could have just ended years ago instead of letting me believe in our life together. Obviously there is a lot more to it than all that but I think I know exactly how you feel as I'm misunderstood as you with my personality. We should be friends

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

I guess it's not a lot, but you have us!! We're here for you. You can always talk to us!! Please, don't lose your kind self!!! You're a good, beautiful and nice person!!! It's just that not everyone is able to appreciate you. But here, we do!!

 

[FuneralCry]

Sometimes you can try your hardest for other people and you can do all you can for them but they can be cruel in return. Life really can be so hard and unfair. I'm sorry you have been through this, nobody deserves it. I wish you the best and I hope you find some relief.

 

[Nightmare]

i cared about others more then anything in the world and it led me to leaving my religion particularly before leaving it entirely
i always fought for the weak at my expense believing there are people like me in need for someone to care about them
i tried to help someone who was depressed and suicidal as well when i were just 17, dumbed me later after i loved her and now didnt see her since two years and there wasnt even a goodbye
i despise my family for mistreating me even though they are pathetic and ignorant and cant help it
i even wanted to kill myself so i could not turn to careless and cold
i changed by forcing myself to stop doing anything about others pain as most of us should but im still sad and in need of some care and help that no one provides so i might end up suicide eventually of succeed in what i desire the most which is unlikely at the moment
its easy to judge because i dont know what it feels like to you and might not truly understand you but you dont understand me too and yet i could see your words and i hope mine can help you
i dont think there is something such as "becoming worse" there is absolutely no rule forcing others to be kind and good to you so why is it a crime for you to not be kind and caring about others? im not saying start to cheat and lie, i personally advice against lying and cheating but dont be too hard on yourself to do something for others if you dont feel like doing it its fine, try to get what you think that you want caring less about what the others think, you dont want sympathy but for everyone to give you what you want because they feel good in doing so, so be sure you are not making yourself a victim in their eyes

 

[WornOutLife]

You are undoubtely a lovely person. I wish I knew more people like you!!

Don't worry about it. I practically don't have anyone either but little by little new people are showing up, especially here on SS.

Anyway, it might not be a big deal but you can always count on me whenever you need to talk! :)

Hugs and love,

Matt