scary
find your own way to the Knife
- May 1, 2024
- 81
I have made a thread about my autism a while ago but as I get older it's becoming more obvious to me how ostracized I was all my life. I miss the days of being a kid who was blissfully unaware of how my peers actually saw me. I thought I was their friend but in reality I was just their pet and plaything, something that could be very easily discarded when they got bored and could just move on to someone who's actually one of their own.
I can't do basic tasks like eating/drinking, hygiene, or even sleeping. "It's easy, just do it" but why doesn't it feel easy for me? It should be as easy as saying it but I just can't for some reason. Every little thing is a chore now and all I feel like doing is just laying in bed, but even my nightmares won't let me do that. It's pathetic, right? How inhuman of me that I can't eat properly or shower or do literally anything except lay there like a log. Why is everything so needlessly hard? "It's just depression" I tell myself, but am I really depressed? I don't believe myself when I think I have any sort of problem or mental disorder. I'm un-diagnosing myself, I'm fine. But even then, when someone is going through the exact same thing as me word-for-word I give them my sympathy, my condolences, even some advice if I can, but as soon as it's on me I don't give myself that same compassion, why should I even need it? what did I do to deserve being treated like something I know deep down I'm not. I can't connect with people. I can't look people in the eyes, I can't talk to them.
I feel like all eyes are simultaneously on me and at the same time not giving me the time of day. I'm used to being made fun of and ignored but at the same time I just want to hurt myself over and over again. My life is contradicting. Would I even make a dent in the world if I died? would the thought that I'm nothing even weigh on me and make me upset? is it a relief that nobody will cry? I don't know anymore. I was born without humanity.
I can't do basic tasks like eating/drinking, hygiene, or even sleeping. "It's easy, just do it" but why doesn't it feel easy for me? It should be as easy as saying it but I just can't for some reason. Every little thing is a chore now and all I feel like doing is just laying in bed, but even my nightmares won't let me do that. It's pathetic, right? How inhuman of me that I can't eat properly or shower or do literally anything except lay there like a log. Why is everything so needlessly hard? "It's just depression" I tell myself, but am I really depressed? I don't believe myself when I think I have any sort of problem or mental disorder. I'm un-diagnosing myself, I'm fine. But even then, when someone is going through the exact same thing as me word-for-word I give them my sympathy, my condolences, even some advice if I can, but as soon as it's on me I don't give myself that same compassion, why should I even need it? what did I do to deserve being treated like something I know deep down I'm not. I can't connect with people. I can't look people in the eyes, I can't talk to them.
I feel like all eyes are simultaneously on me and at the same time not giving me the time of day. I'm used to being made fun of and ignored but at the same time I just want to hurt myself over and over again. My life is contradicting. Would I even make a dent in the world if I died? would the thought that I'm nothing even weigh on me and make me upset? is it a relief that nobody will cry? I don't know anymore. I was born without humanity.
