Venting No longer feeling suicidaal

[Jodes]

So I don't know what to do now, or why I should do anything anyway. I'm actually annoyed because it puts my real life problems into focus again. Psychotherapy. Rince repeat. Im just here for those around me still I think, I'm sure I'll feel suicidal again and I'm pretty sure my reasons will be the above. Reminds of a recent thread, I have bits of fun, I would actually call it escapism. And it's not all that fun. A few interests that have no point. But mostly now Im just vanilla "depressed". I dont want to be around. I might even escape "depression" but I wonder what then. I actually would rather feel suicidal

 

[TiredHorse]

Well hell. I don't at all mind hearing that you have managed to get your head above the edge of the pit. For all that you're now facing a new set of obstacles, that's pretty damn cool!

I can understand your conflict, though. Not exactly the same thing, but I'm grasping frantically at my own drive to ctb, hoping I don't lose it completely and am left here wallowing in my need to leave without any ability to do so.

In the meantime, set aside your chosen method, knowing it's there if you need it, and allow us to all give you a cheer for pulling out of the dive.

Strength and courage, @Jodes!

 

[TAW122]

That's great @Jodes! Like TiredHorse said, if you have your method still available and the ability to carry it out in the future, then yes you can focus on improving your life knowing that there is a fallback should things ever sour in the future.

 

[Misanthrope]

We are creatures of habit, and suicidality can be one such habit that becomes oddly familiar and weirdly comforting. It is why some people sabotage their journey out of it to go back to the familiar. Because new experiences can feel awkward and out of place taking you out of your comfort zone. Picking up the pieces of a life can be harder still if you are left with a feeling of being left behind and a feeling of having to make up lost time.

My only real suggestion is to scratch the record, and do something new and somewhat random so you are exposing yourself to new experiences consistently. Maybe amidst that randomness you will find something that ignites a passion and your focus on the familiar shifts. Just my opinion though. I hope you can have the quality of life you want in the end. It is not like death as an option is going anywhere.

Peace.

 

[Kyrok]

Well, you'll probably feel suicidal again. When you are, ask yourself if the interim life was a mistake?

That is typical for me: I get my head above water for a few days or weeks, sometimes months. I plunge back and see I was wrong to not have ctb earlier. If only I could remove all that life I've endured. Each cycle just adds more weight, each return is more dismal. The next will be worse, always.

 

[TiredHorse]

We are creatures of habit, and suicidality can be one such habit that becomes oddly familiar and weirdly comforting.

Be aware, @Jodes, that there's a lot of evidence that chronic suicidality can lead to a sort of self-imposed PTSD. You mention therapy might be in your future, so if you get comfortable enough in that setting you might want to bring up that possibility of PTSD with the therapist. Proactively, even if you're not feeling it keenly right now. You don't want PTSD to bite you on the ass and drag you back into the pit just as you're trying to climb out.

Also, just want to say that you coming out of your dive is the bright spot for my evening.

 

[Jodes]

Thank you all.

@TiredHorse isnt it just the other way round? Ptsd causes suicidality. I don't think anyone chooses to be suicidal btw

But thank you for the support. Its just a matter of time though

 

[TiredHorse]

Thank you all.

@TiredHorse isnt it just the other way round? Ptsd causes suicidality. I don't think anyone chooses to be suicidal btw

But thank you for the support. Its just a matter of time though

Actually, I was reading recently that long-term suicidality can cause PTSD. As if you weren't already in enough of a bind, right? Apparently long term exposure to your own acute ideations and intentions to kill yourself can have a similar effect to being in a long term situation where someone else is trying to kill you. You're expecting to die; who delivers the blow becomes irrellevant. It gives a whole new meaning to the truism, "you are your own worst enemy."

So take good care of yourself.

 

[Lefty]

Actually, I was reading recently that long-term suicidality can cause PTSD. As if you weren't already in enough of a bind, right? Apparently long term exposure to your own acute ideations and intentions to kill yourself can have a similar effect to being in a long term situation where someone else is trying to kill you. You're expecting to die; who delivers the blow becomes irrellevant. It gives a whole new meaning to the truism, "you are your own worst enemy."

So take good care of yourself.

I think this might be why I have got PTSD. I've been suidicdal and depressed off and on for a long time. I let it slide here and there. I only recently tried to get help, but realized there is no real help for those with mental illness. I'm really hoping to CTB very soon.