I end up posting more frequently on here when every possible avenue in the real world falls through. People say you're not alone, but you are. You just are. There may be people around you, but life is solitary. It's just you and your thoughts. It's so suffocating it makes you want to tear your skin off. You're experiencing the world in a completely different way to everyone else. No amount of attempted understanding will change that. I used to feel so guilty whenever I got angry. All the pain and injustice would come to the surface and I'd just lose all control. I'd want to break everything in sight because I was so angry at being trapped here. Can't escape these thoughts, can't escape this body. I hate being a prisoner. I hate it here.
But now I'm just sad. People still hurt me but I don't have the energy to be angry at it. What difference does it make? Protesting against a world that treats you like an imposition. I feel like every day I'm trying to pay my dues. I'm trying to compensate for my existence, for some horrible sin I don't know I've committed. At the core of my being I feel like I'm wrong. In the least self-pitying way possible, I'm not made for this world. No matter how much I try and change my thoughts, they just rebound like a boomerang. Trying to manipulate them and make them fit a rose-tinted mould isn't possible. It's unnatural. It shouldn't be that hard to not feel bad. I just want to feel good. I think most people do. There's only a problem if, in your pursuit of feeling good, you hurt someone else. I don't think I hurt or help people. I don't think I make any difference at all, but at the same time I think my every action could cause the world to end. I spent most of last year dissolving Elvanse in water or snorting it. It made me feel not bad for a bit. But then it made me feel like I was dying. The very feeling I was trying to escape, a perpetual sense of impending doom, was just amplified every time the Elvanse wore off. But at least I was trying to feel different. Now I'm just stewing in it all and I'm sure I'll drown soon because the anger kept me kicking but now I'm too tired.
But now I'm just sad. People still hurt me but I don't have the energy to be angry at it. What difference does it make? Protesting against a world that treats you like an imposition. I feel like every day I'm trying to pay my dues. I'm trying to compensate for my existence, for some horrible sin I don't know I've committed. At the core of my being I feel like I'm wrong. In the least self-pitying way possible, I'm not made for this world. No matter how much I try and change my thoughts, they just rebound like a boomerang. Trying to manipulate them and make them fit a rose-tinted mould isn't possible. It's unnatural. It shouldn't be that hard to not feel bad. I just want to feel good. I think most people do. There's only a problem if, in your pursuit of feeling good, you hurt someone else. I don't think I hurt or help people. I don't think I make any difference at all, but at the same time I think my every action could cause the world to end. I spent most of last year dissolving Elvanse in water or snorting it. It made me feel not bad for a bit. But then it made me feel like I was dying. The very feeling I was trying to escape, a perpetual sense of impending doom, was just amplified every time the Elvanse wore off. But at least I was trying to feel different. Now I'm just stewing in it all and I'm sure I'll drown soon because the anger kept me kicking but now I'm too tired.
