Venting No hope left

[beclou]

I need to get this off my chest.
7 years ago I left my mums house to live with my boyfriend. She was abusive and I had had enough so I just went. My boyfriend and I have a toxic relationship however I literally had nowhere else to go.

For the past 7 years I have tried and tried my HARDEST to improve my situation. I've tried to improve my relationship with my boyfriend, I've seen a counsellor for 4 years, I've tried to save money, weeded out toxic friendships, I've practiced yoga for 3 years, started wild swimming, attended the gym, practiced mindfulness and understood my attachment issues stemming from childhood.

My mental health has actually improved on a day to day basis and symptoms of depression and anxiety are generally more manageable. However I am financially no better off. My credit score is awful and my boyfriend has no job so we can't buy, let alone rent. We live in a council flat, where I am not even supposed to be. I can't save, have to borrow payday loansEVERY month and am stuck in debt. I have no real friends. Because of my learned patterns I only befriend people who are toxic and cause me more pain. I spend days only seeing my boyfriend who i don't even want to be around but have no choice.

For what feels like the thousandth time I'm back to wanting to die. My appearance has changed, I've lost hair and weight. When I think of the future I literally cannot bear it. I know one day I will kill myself. I know I will have to quit my job if I have a failed attempt and that is the only thing stopping me at the moment. So close ..

 

[Anonymoussn]

Have you considered leaving your boyfriend? If you've tried for 7 years to make it work, and still cant be happy in the relationship, wouldn't it be nice to see what life outside of that relationship might be like, and if that would be a happier life for you?

You've mentioned your boyfriend several times in your post, and have said you dont want to be around him. I can only wonder if the relationship is bringing you down further.

You said that you left your abusive mother to live with your boyfriend, so it might feel like those are the only two options, but they really arent. You could go to university. Or you could arrange to live in a house share with strangers. Or you could go travelling. There are more options than just your abusive mother and your toxic boyfriend.

 

[Dead beat dad]

Hey sister, I'm sorry to hear about your situation and how awful things are for you.
Despite all the difficulties you face, there is some positive stuff in here, you sound like a capable, mindful and insightful person.
I would wager despite all the darkness in your life at the moment you have a bunch of light in you, indeed it is often lamented that those who suffer depression are not weak, indeed they have been in a position where they have had to be strong for too long - maybe this resonates in you.
It seems to me that there are 2 things here, 1 - finances and debt: this is a massive cause stress and in the UK where I am causes so many problems and suicides. If you're struggling financially it might be useful to reach out to a debt charity and get some expert management advice on this... It might sound a bit basic (and indeed you may have tried this...) but the comment that often comes people who use this service is one of relief and positively.
Second thing is abusive / toxic relationships - I expect no amount of money will square this one. No one deserves to be in a situation where they are being abused and again for this it might be sensible to reach out to an impartial charity or support group and see if they can help you with how to manage this.
Having the courage to get help is not easy, but I think these things can help.
I honestly and sincerely hope that you can find some light in this darkness sister and a you can be free of this pain.
Love and respect
DBD

 

[Sleepdrifter]

Hello beclou, I'm sorry you feel this way. I can empathise though. It is no fun being stuck in life. My family is well off but they rejected me so I used to be broke poor for so long. Everything I buy is asda value or asda brand. It is horrible never being able to afford anything. I hate where I live too, it is the countryside but I can't afford a car or get a job. It really hurts. People look down on the poor and you're never invited anywhere or treated with respect. Apparently we are supposed to be an equality society but some are more equal than others. If you are looking to build credit, Vanquis are easy to get credit. Can you request an authorised overdraft from your bank instead of getting payday loans. There are many job clubs out there if your boyfriend is having a hard time finding work. There are credit unions too if you struggle with debt. If you need help budgeting you can help yourself by using a finance tracker app. Don't be too hard on yourself I have been through very hard times too and know exactly how demoralising it is especially how it feels to be trapped and isolated in a situation you don't want.

 

[beclou]

Hey sister, I'm sorry to hear about your situation and how awful things are for you.
Despite all the difficulties you face, there is some positive stuff in here, you sound like a capable, mindful and insightful person.
I would wager despite all the darkness in your life at the moment you have a bunch of light in you, indeed it is often lamented that those who suffer depression are not weak, indeed they have been in a position where they have had to be strong for too long - maybe this resonates in you.
It seems to me that there are 2 things here, 1 - finances and debt: this is a massive cause stress and in the UK where I am causes so many problems and suicides. If you're struggling financially it might be useful to reach out to a debt charity and get some expert management advice on this... It might sound a bit basic (and indeed you may have tried this...) but the comment that often comes people who use this service is one of relief and positively.
Second thing is abusive / toxic relationships - I expect no amount of money will square this one. No one deserves to be in a situation where they are being abused and again for this it might be sensible to reach out to an impartial charity or support group and see if they can help you with how to manage this.
Having the courage to get help is not easy, but I think these things can help.
I honestly and sincerely hope that you can find some light in this darkness sister and a you can be free of this pain.
Love and respect
DBD

Thank you for you kind words and advice

Hello beclou, I'm sorry you feel this way. I can empathise though. It is no fun being stuck in life. My family is well off but they rejected me so I used to be broke poor for so long. Everything I buy is asda value or asda brand. It is horrible never being able to afford anything. I hate where I live too, it is the countryside but I can't afford a car or get a job. It really hurts. People look down on the poor and you're never invited anywhere or treated with respect. Apparently we are supposed to be an equality society but some are more equal than others. If you are looking to build credit, Vanquis are easy to get credit. Can you request an authorised overdraft from your bank instead of getting payday loans. There are many job clubs out there if your boyfriend is having a hard time finding work. There are credit unions too if you struggle with debt. If you need help budgeting you can help yourself by using a finance tracker app. Don't be too hard on yourself I have been through very hard times too and know exactly how demoralising it is especially how it feels to be trapped and isolated in a situation you don't want.

Thank you for your words

 

[beclou]

Have you considered leaving your boyfriend? If you've tried for 7 years to make it work, and still cant be happy in the relationship, wouldn't it be nice to see what life outside of that relationship might be like, and if that would be a happier life for you?

You've mentioned your boyfriend several times in your post, and have said you dont want to be around him. I can only wonder if the relationship is bringing you down further.

You said that you left your abusive mother to live with your boyfriend, so it might feel like those are the only two options, but they really arent. You could go to university. Or you could arrange to live in a house share with strangers. Or you could go travelling. There are more options than just your abusive mother and your toxic boyfriend.

I've been to university so can't afford to go again. My only option left is a house share and that may be what I end up doing, however then I will truly have nobody left and the thought of sitting completely alone in a bedroom is not the best option right now.

 

[Anonymoussn]

I've been to university so can't afford to go again. My only option left is a house share and that may be what I end up doing, however then I will truly have nobody left and the thought of sitting completely alone in a bedroom is not the best option right now.

Im considering a house share. I think if you take the plunge and make a bit of effort you might make some friends. Even if it doesnt come naturally to you at first.

You might have difficulties socialising, and I totally get that, and I don't mean to make it sound easy. But if you look online and meet up with people before agreeing to things you'll know you're comfortable with them. So you dont have to agree to go in a house share where you feel forced to stay in your room if you can make friends with them beforehand.

 

[beclou]

Im considering a house share. I think if you take the plunge and make a bit of effort you might make some friends. Even if it doesnt come naturally to you at first.

You might have difficulties socialising, and I totally get that, and I don't mean to make it sound easy. But if you look online and meet up with people before agreeing to things you'll know you're comfortable with them. So you dont have to agree to go in a house share where you feel forced to stay in your room if you can make friends with them beforehand.

Yeah you're right, it's about making effort. I do find that really hard, especially maintaining the relationship. This is my last thing to try I suppose