No hope left?

[creatureoflight]

Hi,
I think this is probably the wrong forum to post this, however could someone please tell me at which point you clearly decided that you want to kill yourself and that there is no hope left for you?
My future looks dreary and depressing- I'm in a lot of chronic pain that it seems no doctor can do something for or I get medications that don't do anything for me. I couldn't finish my degree because of my health issues (it's not a degree for some prestigious, high paying position but for a rather lowly job) and even if I somehow overcome all my health issues I would have to take another 1-2 years to finish my degree. I should have been on track to graduate in Jan 2019. I also studied at university where I live for 5 years before that but dropped out due to overwhelming anxiety and depression. Then again, I am conflicted about my family because I don't want to dump them and my parents are elderly. (61 and 65 yo). Also, I have a beautiful fiancee. So how did you make the decision whether to ctb or not? All I see is a long hard slong for me in the future. I always knew that I would kill myself by suicide, the question was only when that would happen. Maybe someone has some insights? I desperately want to live but the true issue of my troubles is my chronic pain.

 

[Justanotherconsumer]

Hi,
I think this is probably the wrong forum to post this, however could someone please tell me at which point you clearly decided that you want to kill yourself and that there is no hope left for you?
My future looks dreary and depressing- I'm in a lot of chronic pain that it seems no doctor can do something for or I get medications that don't do anything for me. I couldn't finish my degree because of my health issues (it's not a degree for some prestigious, high paying position but for a rather lowly job) and even if I somehow overcome all my health issues I would have to take another 1-2 years to finish my degree. I should have been on track to graduate in Jan 2019. I also studied at university where I live for 5 years before that but dropped out due to overwhelming anxiety and depression. Then again, I am conflicted about my family because I don't want to dump them and my parents are elderly. (61 and 65 yo). Also, I have a beautiful fiancee. So how did you make the decision whether to ctb or not? All I see is a long hard slong for me in the future. I always knew that I would kill myself by suicide, the question was only when that would happen. Maybe someone has some insights? I desperately want to live but the true issue of my troubles is my chronic pain.

Have you ever tried kratom? In most states its legal its an opiate like pain reliever/drug

 

[creatureoflight]

Thought of it but it's stimulant, like caffeine and guarana and I can't use these as they give me extreme migraines. I'm currently on Kava Kava, valerian root and CBD, that really helps but doesn't really take away my bad thoughts.

 

[Ashpac]

For me it was when life took everything away from me and not being able to get it back and never having a normal quality of life. That made my mind up very easily.

 

[Justanotherconsumer]

Ive read where people say it has a stimulant like effect ,but not in my experience, more sedative than anything.

 

[creatureoflight]

Ive read where people say it has a stimulant like effect ,but not in my experience, more sedative than anything.

and how does it make you feel in more detail? Is it like pot or different?

 

[Justanotherconsumer]

Not like pot at all, it feels to me like about 4 or 5 hydrocodone the dentist gives you off of 1 teaspoon of kratom you definitely feel it.

 

[LoverofDeath]

Personally I started becoming severely hopeless in December 2017 but it got even worse in March. I have my reasons for suicide but what makes matters worse is that my mum will probably disown me by September so it gives me more reasons to die tbh. I just can't go on living like this...

 

[QueenEtna]

Personally I started becoming severely hopeless in December 2017 but it got even worse in March. I have my reasons for suicide but what makes matters worse is that my mum will probably disown me by September so it gives me more reasons to die tbh. I just can't go on living like this...

Those are the same times i started feeling it too, and I'm also in the same boat as my mum disowning me soon

 

[LoverofDeath]

Those are the same times i started feeling it too, and I'm also in the same boat as my mum disowning me soon

I'm so sorry. I know I won't be able to handle it which is why I have to depart ASAP, are you planning to ctb soon?

 

[creatureoflight]

Not like pot at all, it feels to me like about 4 or 5 hydrocodone the dentist gives you off of 1 teaspoon of kratom you definitely feel it.

Never taken opioids, so can't relate.
Is kratom addictive? I read mixed info on the net, some say yes and some say no. Are you addicted to it? The thing is that I am not supposed to use opioids as they can cause rebound migraines and so am mixed if I should try kratom or not.

 

[Justanotherconsumer]

Never taken opioids, so can't relate.
Is kratom addictive? I read mixed info on the net, some say yes and some say no. Are you addicted to it? The thing is that I am not supposed to use opioids as they can cause rebound migraines and so am mixed if I should try kratom or not.

No im not addicted i use it for gallstone pain and teeth pain. It is not an opiod but uses the same receptors as opiods. I think it could well become psychologically addictive, because it does give you that feel good sedative high. People do use it to wean themselves off of opioids.

 

[creatureoflight]

No im not addicted i use it for gallstone pain and teeth pain. It is not an opiod but uses the same receptors as opiods. I think it could well become psychologically addictive, because it does give you that feel good sedative high. People do use it to wean themselves off of opioids.

OK, I will consider it. Thanks for your help and good that you found something that works for you.

 

[Justanotherconsumer]

OK, I will consider it. Thanks for your help and good that you found something that works for you.

Ok, if you look for it for sale it doesent go by the name of kratom, only by speciosa", there are places online that sell it for about 3 oz. For $25 that are good quality. Also "white meng da" variety to me is the best as it doesent give you nausea if you need a heavier dose. "Red meng da" is the most potent but over a teaspoon it gives me nausea. But the 3 ounces i bought last november i am still working on, about another ounce left. So it lasts quite awhile but i just use it for the occasional pain or once in a while recreationally.

 

[creatureoflight]

Ok, if you look for it for sale it doesent go by the name of kratom, only by speciosa", there are places online that sell it for about 3 oz. For $25 that are good quality. Also "white meng da" variety to me is the best as it doesent give you nausea if you need a heavier dose. "Red meng da" is the most potent but over a teaspoon it gives me nausea. But the 3 ounces i bought last november i am still working on, about another ounce left. So it lasts quite awhile but i just use it for the occasional pain or once in a while recreationally.

Wow, that's cheap. Where I live 10g go for 7 Euro

 

[Justanotherconsumer]

Wow, that's cheap. Where I live 10g go for 7 Euro

Yeah it varies wildly, on price online should be much cheaper, the last place i bought he was running a special $80 for a kilo.

 

[Tiburcio]

Look the date I joined here. That was the day I realized the reality.