borderline-feline
Constantly Sleepy Catgirl
- Dec 28, 2022
- 645
I honestly don't think that me dying should be seen as a big deal to anyone. I don't have a future anyway. Everything I want out of life is unattainable.
I'm incompetent and unemployable, so I'll never have any kind of career, and I'm gonna be fucked anyway once my sister finds a job that uses her degree. I'll lose transportation to work, so I'll have to quit my job and be left with absolutely no options outside of disability (which I refuse).
When I was a kid, I went to my half-sister's second wedding, and I was in absolute awe of how beautiful that bitch looked. I knew in that moment that I wanted to be beautiful as well; I wanted to be a bride. My desire to get married never went away and has only strengthened as I've gotten older. I've never wanted anything more than to walk down the aisle in a beautiful gown and make a promise to spend the rest of my life with someone I love.
My favorite person lives in the UK, and I live in the US. My favorite person is disabled and gets government benefits, and I found out recently that if he and I got married, then he'd lose his benefits. Beyond the whole issue of disability benefits, there's the aspect of how far apart we are. I have no idea how we could have any kind of marriage, as I don't expect him to move here, and I wouldn't feel right moving to England.
Life is completely pointless if I can't have my moment of being a beautiful bride and walking down the aisle in a gorgeous and elegant wedding gown to see my favorite person's wonderfully happy face at the altar. I'd never tell him this, because I'm self-aware enough to recognize when my BPD traits cause toxic behavior, but if my favorite person leaves me, then I'll immediately kill myself.
It's not just the concept of him breaking up with me that would do it; he would have to remove himself from my life. Without him, I have no reason to exist. As much as I hate to admit it, I would probably also admittedly want him to feel some amount of pain for leaving me if it happened. I know that it's horrible. I haven't exactly kept it a secret here that I'm not a good person.
I already had a situation kind of like that in the past. A previous favorite person of mine (we weren't romantically involved) decided that we needed to part ways for good because of how much pain I brought him just by being around. After we parted ways, I immediately started self-harming. I had a lot of intense emotions going on, and self-harm is one of only 2 ways for me to process that kind of intense emotion (the other is breaking things). I had to physically hurt myself to deal with the emotional pain, but I also wanted to punish him for leaving me. He made me promise not to hurt myself when he left since we'd already had a previous (temporary) split because of my abusive ex that resulted in my grabbing one of my knives. I broke that promise and realized that I'm a piece of shit.
A couple of years later, I learned that that previous favorite person had become extremely suicidal, and it was largely my fault for the way I screwed him over. I don't deserve to exist.
Love in all forms is painful. I can't control the love I feel; it's obsessive and destructive. Whenever I try to keep people from leaving, I just end up pushing them away through the things I do and say out of love. Even if my reasoning and motivation are pure, I'm still a bad person for allowing supposedly positive emotions to drive me to hurt people.
I'm incompetent and unemployable, so I'll never have any kind of career, and I'm gonna be fucked anyway once my sister finds a job that uses her degree. I'll lose transportation to work, so I'll have to quit my job and be left with absolutely no options outside of disability (which I refuse).
When I was a kid, I went to my half-sister's second wedding, and I was in absolute awe of how beautiful that bitch looked. I knew in that moment that I wanted to be beautiful as well; I wanted to be a bride. My desire to get married never went away and has only strengthened as I've gotten older. I've never wanted anything more than to walk down the aisle in a beautiful gown and make a promise to spend the rest of my life with someone I love.
My favorite person lives in the UK, and I live in the US. My favorite person is disabled and gets government benefits, and I found out recently that if he and I got married, then he'd lose his benefits. Beyond the whole issue of disability benefits, there's the aspect of how far apart we are. I have no idea how we could have any kind of marriage, as I don't expect him to move here, and I wouldn't feel right moving to England.
Life is completely pointless if I can't have my moment of being a beautiful bride and walking down the aisle in a gorgeous and elegant wedding gown to see my favorite person's wonderfully happy face at the altar. I'd never tell him this, because I'm self-aware enough to recognize when my BPD traits cause toxic behavior, but if my favorite person leaves me, then I'll immediately kill myself.
It's not just the concept of him breaking up with me that would do it; he would have to remove himself from my life. Without him, I have no reason to exist. As much as I hate to admit it, I would probably also admittedly want him to feel some amount of pain for leaving me if it happened. I know that it's horrible. I haven't exactly kept it a secret here that I'm not a good person.
I already had a situation kind of like that in the past. A previous favorite person of mine (we weren't romantically involved) decided that we needed to part ways for good because of how much pain I brought him just by being around. After we parted ways, I immediately started self-harming. I had a lot of intense emotions going on, and self-harm is one of only 2 ways for me to process that kind of intense emotion (the other is breaking things). I had to physically hurt myself to deal with the emotional pain, but I also wanted to punish him for leaving me. He made me promise not to hurt myself when he left since we'd already had a previous (temporary) split because of my abusive ex that resulted in my grabbing one of my knives. I broke that promise and realized that I'm a piece of shit.
A couple of years later, I learned that that previous favorite person had become extremely suicidal, and it was largely my fault for the way I screwed him over. I don't deserve to exist.
Love in all forms is painful. I can't control the love I feel; it's obsessive and destructive. Whenever I try to keep people from leaving, I just end up pushing them away through the things I do and say out of love. Even if my reasoning and motivation are pure, I'm still a bad person for allowing supposedly positive emotions to drive me to hurt people.
