No early memories?

[ms_beaverhousen]

You hear from your family, friends, and people in general talk about how they remember this and that from when they were a toddler, or at least anywhere up until the age of 6. Then you hear they have more memories from then on until the age of 9. They recall things so vividly, these early memories. I have very little... It's so difficult for me to recall a scene. I just get a bunch of still images, and none from under the age of 7. Then so much of my childhood is just, not there... I had a lot of good memories. We laughed and played a lot. I liked school enough. So why can I barely remember? I know I wasn't your average kid as I was already plagued with anxiety and depressed. I know shit happened then, but I managed. Does anyone have these chunks of time missing?

This isn't normal. I only have theories as to where the hell my memory went and why. I think I started to remember random bits coming back, or it had just been years since I had last remembered them, but I did recall more after my two dozen treatments of Spravato (esketamine).
My brain must have such gray matter in dalmatian spots... It's sickening how I've never had a scan of my brain. Does any of this sound familiar?

 

[CatLvr]

Yes, it sounds VERY familiar. I am the same way. I had a therapist ask me to close my eyes and visualIze a tv screen. Then he asked me to visualize a tv show that would be similar to my home life when I was a kid.

The look he gave me when I said "Remember that snowy looking stuff -- the grey screen with the white fuzzy looking stuff. That's what I see" told me all I needed to know. For a split second he looked confused, and then for another split second he looked horrified. He finally landed on an extremely sympathetic look. Like he felt really bad for me.

I told him don't feel sorry for me. It it was SO BAD that my brain needs to block it out, I don't think I WANT to remember it.

 

[rozeske]

I wish I didn't remember mine, some of it so vividly. I think it would have been better for my mentality if i had no memories of it. It just leaves this inextinguishable burning anger in me and so much sadness for the mini me. I think it became worse when I seen my younger siblings being raised in a completely opposite manner to what I recall my childhood was like. Funny how i don't even recognize their parents, sometimes hard to say our parents.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

Yes it does sound very familiar. I also can't remember a lot of things. I rationally know I had good moments from my childhood, with my mom, my cat, and yet when I try to think about them I can just remember still images, not very detailed and I even question if I'm actually remembering or making something up.

At the same time, if I try to remember good things, that process gets interrupted and I then see bad memories. They are very vivid, I remember the time of day, what I was wearing, the light coming from the windows. An entire "video" of that memory where I start crying now since it's so vivid. But for good memories? Mind is blank, I get maybe 1 or 2 frames, low quality and I feel nothing by remembering that and seconds later I feel sadness because of the bad memories.

My psychologist said that the traumatic bad memories are blocking those good memories. And I think that, since I can't remember good things and only bad things, then my perception of life is depressing. How could it not?

All of this to say that, yes, so familiar, maybe your good memories are blocked by trauma as well?

 

[nihilistic_dragon]

Did you go through any trauma? That is typical for someone who goes through a series of traumatic events in childhood.

 

[divinemistress36]

I can't remember a lot of my childhood either even though I had no trauma then. Depression messes a lot with your memory

 

[ms_beaverhousen]

Yes it does sound very familiar. I also can't remember a lot of things. I rationally know I had good moments from my childhood, with my mom, my cat, and yet when I try to think about them I can just remember still images, not very detailed and I even question if I'm actually remembering or making something up.

At the same time, if I try to remember good things, that process gets interrupted and I then see bad memories. They are very vivid, I remember the time of day, what I was wearing, the light coming from the windows. An entire "video" of that memory where I start crying now since it's so vivid. But for good memories? Mind is blank, I get maybe 1 or 2 frames, low quality and I feel nothing by remembering that and seconds later I feel sadness because of the bad memories.

My psychologist said that the traumatic bad memories are blocking those good memories. And I think that, since I can't remember good things and only bad things, then my perception of life is depressing. How could it not?

All of this to say that, yes, so familiar, maybe your good memories are blocked by trauma as well?

Now that I'm old and alone, it's become extraordinarily difficult for me to remember anything. I can feel that I don't even want to, for fear of the pain it'll bring up, and for the bells I won't be able to unring (unsee) if I do remember them. I already carry a tremendous amount of guilt and shame, so much so that it's palpable and gives me a high heart rate. Used to receive a low dose of valium for that, but now I can't even go to my appts for a refill. Sorry, blabbing. Point is, whatever I have remembered, I had to hyperfocus to do so. Similar to mediation (which I hate) because if I just so-so try to remember, I pop out of memories and sabotage the "frames" because somehow I fast forward through good memories in search of the bad, or maybe the good ones are even to painful to experience now Idk... It's kind of like Harry Potter-ish, having to stick your head in a pensieve just to "go to another place" to reach whatever memories you can. I physically have even closed my eyes and physically made myself relax with zero noise. This is probably why I started to get some memories back while do Sparavato, as that really relaxes you, even forcibly so as it is an analgesic lol.

Some of us, (looks like you're in the club) physically carry what we mentally feel, and if they're not good feelings/thoughts, so help you...

I've had a few therapists tell me it was trauma, but I never saw it as "traumatic enough" to be considered actual trauma. In fact I'd become offended. Suppose that makes me overly sensitive at a young age, or I was just/always have been, weak...

I rationally know I had more good memories than I recall too. There's such shame in not knowing what you remember. I never understood the phenomenon of people saying that, that they couldn't decipher between what was real and what they conjured up in their own mind. Also I can feel parental judgement critiquing my memories so that's something else that distorts them. Hth. Thanks.

Did you go through any trauma? That is typical for someone who goes through a series of traumatic events in childhood.

I mean, possibly? I never thought so, or considered it to be legitimate trauma. Maybe a shitty childhood at worst. So many kids have turbulent, tumultuous, chaotic, unstable households but they, adapt; and become resilient. Whereas I, just didn't.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I can't remember a lot of my childhood as well. I wonder if it's because of trauma or because I simply have a bad memory. I only tend to occasionally remember a bit of my childhood when I just so happen to coincidentally talk about something that happened exactly to what happened in my childhood

 

[ForgottenAgain]

Now that I'm old and alone, it's become extraordinarily difficult for me to remember anything. I can feel that I don't even want to, for fear of the pain it'll bring up, and for the bells I won't be able to unring (unsee) if I do remember them. I already carry a tremendous amount of guilt and shame, so much so that it's palpable and gives me a high heart rate. Used to receive a low dose of valium for that, but now I can't even go to my appts for a refill. Sorry, blabbing. Point is, whatever I have remembered, I had to hyperfocus to do so. Similar to mediation (which I hate) because if I just so-so try to remember, I pop out of memories and sabotage the "frames" because somehow I fast forward through good memories in search of the bad, or maybe the good ones are even to painful to experience now Idk... It's kind of like Harry Potter-ish, having to stick your head in a pensieve just to "go to another place" to reach whatever memories you can. I physically have even closed my eyes and physically made myself relax with zero noise. This is probably why I started to get some memories back while do Sparavato, as that really relaxes you, even forcibly so as it is an analgesic lol.

Some of us, (looks like you're in the club) physically carry what we mentally feel, and if they're not good feelings/thoughts, so help you...

I've had a few therapists tell me it was trauma, but I never saw it as "traumatic enough" to be considered actual trauma. In fact I'd become offended. Suppose that makes me overly sensitive at a young age, or I was just/always have been, weak...

I rationally know I had more good memories than I recall too. There's such shame in not knowing what you remember. I never understood the phenomenon of people saying that, that they couldn't decipher between what was real and what they conjured up in their own mind. Also I can feel parental judgement critiquing my memories so that's something else that distorts them. Hth. Thanks.

I mean, possibly? I never thought so, or considered it to be legitimate trauma. Maybe a shitty childhood at worst. So many kids have turbulent, tumultuous, chaotic, unstable households but they, adapt; and become resilient. Whereas I, just didn't.

I understand, I'm also afraid of remembering good memories because they're tied to people who died so now they're bad memories to me. The description of the Harry Potter pensieve was very good, it really does feel like that.

Similarly to you, I don't feel like my life was traumatic enough or even just traumatic. People die all the time and others move forward, why am I different? The mental health professionals are the ones always telling me I went through traumatic events and I don't know what to think of it. Even the diagnosis of C-PTSD, I never went to war or lived through domestic abuse or was physically mistreated (bullying was mild). I feel like if I accept that diagnosis I'm making fun of people with "real" C-PSTD. Obviously I know it's not a competition, it's just hard to come to terms with it.

Some days I feel like I'm just a pathetic weak person and that's it. I'm rambling now, but thanks for your reply, I hope we can both feel a bit better...