Fadeawaaaay
Visionary
- Nov 12, 2021
- 2,160
Having quit anti depressants, that 25 year haze has cleared. I'm not even clinically depressed anymore.
But delusions I've lived with for decades - harsh realities I refused to confront - those delusions have dropped away. I never quite realized how hard others worked, how talented they were. I never fully realized or admitted how mediocre I was. Less then mediocre really.
In the past year, I lost my mind and trashed my career and my life long friendships. Now I'm trapped and isolated. Lacking motivation or skills. I can see the world coming to life with opportunity and energy.
And I'm stuck.
All I can do is isolate and sleep. But knowing that tomorrow the sun will rise again and ill still be here hiding from the world. Every personality flaw I've ever had manifesting in this current nightmare. All the fear and anxiety stretching back to childhood.
I spent a lifetime trying to fool people into believing I was competant or successful. Most eventually learned I wasn't. But I could keep up the facade to people long enough that it seemed like maybe I knew what I was doing.
All of that's been torn away. The emperor has no clothes. And so I'm wide awake treading water… sharks gathering around me …
And every day the motivation to actually end my life recedes. Yes, I know that that is supposed to sound positive. That I'm "embracing life "… It's not - because being alive and trying survive is overwhelming. I can't even begin to. I only want to live if everything can come easy. But it won't.
Sorry for the bloviating vent. But I have nowhere else to express all this. And I've become too cheap to spend $ on therapy. And therapy is useless (I've done it for years and still ended up here.)
Maybe other folks can relate and won't find reading this a chore. Anyway thanks for indulging me. Peace.
But delusions I've lived with for decades - harsh realities I refused to confront - those delusions have dropped away. I never quite realized how hard others worked, how talented they were. I never fully realized or admitted how mediocre I was. Less then mediocre really.
In the past year, I lost my mind and trashed my career and my life long friendships. Now I'm trapped and isolated. Lacking motivation or skills. I can see the world coming to life with opportunity and energy.
And I'm stuck.
All I can do is isolate and sleep. But knowing that tomorrow the sun will rise again and ill still be here hiding from the world. Every personality flaw I've ever had manifesting in this current nightmare. All the fear and anxiety stretching back to childhood.
I spent a lifetime trying to fool people into believing I was competant or successful. Most eventually learned I wasn't. But I could keep up the facade to people long enough that it seemed like maybe I knew what I was doing.
All of that's been torn away. The emperor has no clothes. And so I'm wide awake treading water… sharks gathering around me …
And every day the motivation to actually end my life recedes. Yes, I know that that is supposed to sound positive. That I'm "embracing life "… It's not - because being alive and trying survive is overwhelming. I can't even begin to. I only want to live if everything can come easy. But it won't.
Sorry for the bloviating vent. But I have nowhere else to express all this. And I've become too cheap to spend $ on therapy. And therapy is useless (I've done it for years and still ended up here.)
Maybe other folks can relate and won't find reading this a chore. Anyway thanks for indulging me. Peace.