Discussion No Contact and Owning Abusers' Feelings About Your Potential CTB

[GoodPersonEffed]

I've been no-contact with my family for several years.

Sometimes I feel sorry for them and have to remember that pity is a seductive emotion that causes me to lower necessary boundaries. I can have compassion for them and what caused them to be the way they are, but I can't fix them. Only they can fix themselves, and they've never been motivated to do so. They cling to rationalizing and validating their controlling actions at the expense of having a relationship with me, yet I sometimes still get caught up in giving all the fucks about them that they don't give about me. Only if I comply am I accepted and loved. Only if I live my life in ways they approve of am I worthy of having in their lives. Fuck them! And yet I slip back into the co-dependent fog and have to work to see clearly again.

Sometimes I take on responsibility for their feelings, like how they will feel post-ctb, and I have to remind myself I have never had control over their feelings; that it's an illusion that I can cause them to feel or think any (rational) particular way about any particular thing; and that their default is that I am usually wrong even when I've done nothing wrong, in fact did things right.

Yesterday I watched narcissist rage videos on YouTube to remind myself how controlling and irrational my mother is, and how my dad is irrational and passively controlling by being her enabler, by blaming me for causing her rages and other emotions when I don't cede to her utterly ridiculous control tactics, or accept my parents' narratives as valid or true.

It's hard to have lingering emotional attachment to such insanity-inducing people. "Normal" is my mother's gold standard, and it was perhaps the biggest gaslight of all. It gaslighted her, and then she farts it all around.

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For anyone who has no contact with former abusers, what do you do to pull yourself back to fresh, un-farted-upon air when you're caught up in the temptation to return to the slot machine of hope that they will be capable of rationality and meeting your basic emotional needs, and motivated to do so?

How do you pull yourself back when you find yourself taking way more responsibility for their feelings than is healthy or rational when it comes to your ctb?

 

[Hoopali]

I do not have abusers in my past and I'm sorry you do, but thought I would reply to just say /hug

 

[Yomyom]

Back when I was furious on my mother on using my anxieties against me, imagining her death was very relaxing.
Now I can't really get angry..

 

[Broken Chimera]

For anyone who has no contact with former abusers, what do you do to pull yourself back to fresh, un-farted-upon air when you're caught up in the temptation to return to the slot machine of hope that they will be capable of rationality and meeting your basic emotional needs, and motivated to do so?

If they were abusive before, they'll be abusive later. You want what they can't provide. That's enough for me not to try anymore. When I saw how my family was, I left and didn't look back. It's pointless to go back to relive the same situation again.

I know you love your family, but it won't change. Just ask yourself what would you gain by going back besides pain?

 

[faust]

It's hard to communicate with relatives if there's an abyss between you. They were convinced of something for a long time, and accordingly it is worth asking yourself the question - why should I convince them if it requires a lot of emotional resources and ultimately grows into a confrontation. I think you did everything you could and there is no point in proving something to a person, if the opposite is literally their life position. Perhaps they still think that they are able to influence you somehow, however, having assessed the situation, we understand that these people are not engaged in reflection the same way as you. They accept everything as they see. It's easier for people to leave things as they are than to accept that they are wrong.

My parents called me yesterday and they began accusing me of not calling them for two weeks. And I understand that it won't be possible to put the conversation in the right direction, since they are interested in one thing, and me - in another. I don't know how they will react to my departure, but still I want them at least after my death to realize that they were wrong.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

If they were abusive before, they'll be abusive later. You want what they can't provide. That's enough for me not to try anymore. When I saw how my family was, I left and didn't look back. It's pointless to go back to relive the same situation again.

I know you love your family, but it won't change. Just ask yourself what would you gain by going back besides pain?

All so true!

I have no desire to go back. We're done. No contact is great. It's very freeing, and I don't want to return to their abusiveness and irrationality.

The only problem is when I start caring about how they'll be impacted by my ctb, having pity, reconsidering writing a note to them to either make things better for them or to get my wishes met, both of which happen to be the same thing -- don't claim the body, don't identity it, no obituary, no funeral. Then I come back to reality and remember how crazy and shitty they are, how they'll do whatever the fuck they want anyway, and if I make a rational and reasonable request, they'll likely do the opposite because they repeatedly proved they have total disregard for my boundaries and autonomy. So I return to letting it all go and moving forward doing whatever the fuck I want without regard to how they'll be impacted. But it's always there, the idea of them potentially viewing my rotting corpse, how they'll be impacted just by the news of my death. And yet they certainly don't have such considerations toward me. Clearly I'm still working through some things, but I won't fuck myself over by breaking no contact.

 

[Broken Chimera]

Once you're gone it's out of your hands. People are gonna do what they want to no matter what. Good example: Someone on the forum didn't want a goodbye thread done and told another user that he didn't want anyone else to make one. Someone did and that user stated his wishes but the thread poster ignored it. Bottom line is that most people are selfish and everything they do is about them.

So if you don't want a funeral, destroy anything that would identify you. It's harder for anyone to find your family if they don't have a name. But ultimately you'll be dead and gone. They can't really do anything to mess with you anymore.

As for pity, you're gonna have to lose that. You'll always love them, but is it enough for you to suffer even longer than you would if they weren't alive? If you want out you can't let anyone control you. It's your choice and your life. And like you said, they don't respect your boundaries and autonomy, so why should you care about their feelings? It's hard to do, but if you know what they're about then you need to plan around them to do what you need to.

Even if you decide to live you can't let what others feel control you. I tried to cover everything. I hope I explained it right.

 

[JacobsCracker]

Nightmare. several in the family I don't care about and directly blame, but their lack of remorse will mean they won't be as affected as they should. Another f member has changed their tune and trying-ish to become a decent person. Biggest gas lighter ever. I feel more for them because I want to say it like it is in note and they have problems. N abuse is effectively why I'm here, and it effect on health. It's a curse that few understand. I do feel responsible for one of their feelings, even though they have been completely emotional abusive to me. Sure fire sign when you feel guilty for other people taking responsibility. Regarding No Contact I would keep it, you made it for reason. I broke it recently due to ill health and desire to survive, I'm now back in form of no contact and I'd say keep it. The thing I'm trusting with is people calling me selfish for being in this state, that some may get my share of inheritance, and may label me as depressed and troubled if and when ctb to keep he spotlight off them.

A malignant N Parent and supporting scumbags is one of if not the main reason I'm here. When you speak to people you know about Ns, you realise just what a curse is it to start out or acquire these parasites into,your life. I'm also concerned about naming and shaming and the effect it will have by proxy on healthy family if the disordered people are affected. I wish only had one, or two to have dealt with as i might not be in this position. Another bad thing is healthy people minimizing or excusing their behaviour. Anyway good luck.

I could leave them all out of a note, but that would be really tragic to think what they've got away with.

 

[Life sucks]

Teachers in my childhood abused me but I have no connection at all because my family moved from that place and its long time ago so the probability of contact is 0%.
The other abusers are some family members and relatives. Although living with them or near, I'm almost isolated and have minimal contact with anyone.
I don't care about anyone if I ctb, but if I'm alive and nobody is hurting me, I won't hurt anyone.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

@JacobsCracker, healthy people minimizing or excusing their behavior -- that's always tough. They may not have witnessed the worst behaviors, and they can be manipulated to be flying monkeys for the narcissist, or do it on their own because they haven't seen enough to know better.

My mother is not a full narcissist, thank god, but she has some traits, including the narc rages. I'm so sorry you've had full-blown narcs in your life. I had a boyfriend who was more sociopath than narc, he had way too much self-control for a narc, but between him and my controlling mother, and the research I've done on narcs, I can empathize. My childhood was a mindfuck and I'm still emerging from it at 49. It would have almost been easier to emerge from full-blown narcissicism then the blend I was subjected to of stability, rages, and control issues. It wasn't covert manipulation, it was more like covert insanity.

 

[JacobsCracker]

I feel you @GoodPersonEffed . Only realised it was truly happening when I went no contact. The damage was indescribable. My Parent may be Sociopath too, extremely cunning, talks about dead bodies etc like its nothing. But also N rages growing up and in adulthood. The other two boneheads are grade a emotional manipulator so and a mixed bag of everything. Manipulation and cruelty was my curse. Now when I talk about it 'it's all in the past' they say and I'm made to feel crazy, and the there are wonderful. It's ruined my health. Makes me feel Ashamed for being targeted. I'd like to request the N/Sociopath identifies my body, add me to their list. My story is more tragic than this, it's literally on a whole other level, relating to this. Don't wish to share it though. Last year I discovered that there is such thing as the point of no return. Thanks for sharing background and good luck.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

@JacobsCracker, thank you and good luck to you as well.

 

[JacobsCracker]

Thank you.