I grew up in poverty, but always believed that I had the power to change my circumstances. I thought that if I just worked hard enough and made the right decisions I'd at least be able to get to a financial equilibrium where I'd be able to maintain 'something'.
Well I'm currently 35 years old and that's simply never happened. No matter how many jobs or how many hours I work, circumstances just eats everything up immediately. Get a $300 raise, rent goes up $300. Save 2k, immediately exactly 2k in car repairs or medical expenses. No matter how I try to navigate within this lived experience, nothing works out, not only does it not work out, there's always some disproportional consequence I have to face. No matter the sacrifices or life choices to minimize poverty, I'm always in it.
I even tried to escape the rat race by converting my car into a camper to live out of, but shortly after I did that, a minor family member was abandoned and I stepped into help. Back into an apartment I could barely afford to try to help my family member. Well that minor family member completely melted down and projected all of their trauma onto me, destroyed most of my stuff, the apartment, and I lost my job for taking too much time off to navigate the dysregulated minor. CPS told me that children often lash out against the person they feel safest with because they can actually express themselves in a safe environment. The minor was voluntarily placed somewhere else safe and sound, but my life has been devastated.
Unemployed, keep making it to the final round of interviews, but never land the job. No Savings. 3-day Notice for apartment (despite it being my last month and only owing half of the rent that they said they'd take from my DOUBLE security deposit, but I guess the eviction is necessary to ensure that I'll never rent again lol). No resources to help average people that are simply unemployed (I'm not an addict, pregnant, not a parent, or a victim of DV). No contact with family. Friends send constant "thoughts and prayers", "thinking of you" messages, and that's the extent of my ' social safety net'.
I used to have 'hope' and 'desires', but then I thought maybe it was my 'greediness' and expectations were too high. So I lowered my standards to living in my car, and I couldn't even do that because I felt 'obligated' to help my traumatized family member, but ended up blowing up the crumb resources I had left in the world. Now there's nothing left, even if I lived out of my car again, my niece destroyed everything that made it 'comfortable' and doable. And I don't even have the money for a gym membership or gas. I'm not even angry, sad, or depressed, just bored and tired. I don't want to be stuck in this perpetual cycle of poverty and lack for the rest of my life. I had a dream of owning a little plot of land and living off grid, but that's never going to happen in my lifetime. Now I don't even dream or 'want' anything. I never spent frivolous always saved my money, but it never mattered, everything I saved would just be eaten up by an emergency. Never had children, got medically sterilized, but then ended up with all the financial risk and damage from a child I never even birthed. Never went to prom because I was working, never went camping like I wanted because I usually worked the weekends, never got to enjoy life much at all. And I have absolutely nothing to show for it, except my paid off car, I guess.
I was willing to simply put my head down and work whatever menial job afforded me the basics until it was my natural time expired. But even the bare basics of doing that is seemingly out of my reach. This place is so unnecessarily hostile or perhaps I'm just a failure to thrive and am projecting my ineptitude onto life. I don't know, but I do know that if I can't get a job to afford the basics of living, then I'd simply rather not live. They can evict me and they can send their overly polite employment rejection letters to my corpse. This reality as taken every crumb I've managed to scrape for myself, I'd like to reserve what's left of my dignity for myself.
Currently deciding on the Charcoal method and Night Night Method. I tried the Charcoal method before and it didn't work, I just kept getting rolling smoke that was unbearable, and when the coals cooled down, nothing happened when I woke up. I was thinking of trying SN, but not sure if I could get it in 5 days. I also have a sensitive stomach, but was thinking maybe putting it in an enema would have a similar effect without the risk of throwing it up. I'd like to double methods if possible, as I can't afford (litterally or figuratively) any mistakes. The last thing that I need is a disability in addition to more debt, with the loss of my miniscule possessions, and new introduction of homelessness.
Well I'm currently 35 years old and that's simply never happened. No matter how many jobs or how many hours I work, circumstances just eats everything up immediately. Get a $300 raise, rent goes up $300. Save 2k, immediately exactly 2k in car repairs or medical expenses. No matter how I try to navigate within this lived experience, nothing works out, not only does it not work out, there's always some disproportional consequence I have to face. No matter the sacrifices or life choices to minimize poverty, I'm always in it.
I even tried to escape the rat race by converting my car into a camper to live out of, but shortly after I did that, a minor family member was abandoned and I stepped into help. Back into an apartment I could barely afford to try to help my family member. Well that minor family member completely melted down and projected all of their trauma onto me, destroyed most of my stuff, the apartment, and I lost my job for taking too much time off to navigate the dysregulated minor. CPS told me that children often lash out against the person they feel safest with because they can actually express themselves in a safe environment. The minor was voluntarily placed somewhere else safe and sound, but my life has been devastated.
Unemployed, keep making it to the final round of interviews, but never land the job. No Savings. 3-day Notice for apartment (despite it being my last month and only owing half of the rent that they said they'd take from my DOUBLE security deposit, but I guess the eviction is necessary to ensure that I'll never rent again lol). No resources to help average people that are simply unemployed (I'm not an addict, pregnant, not a parent, or a victim of DV). No contact with family. Friends send constant "thoughts and prayers", "thinking of you" messages, and that's the extent of my ' social safety net'.
I used to have 'hope' and 'desires', but then I thought maybe it was my 'greediness' and expectations were too high. So I lowered my standards to living in my car, and I couldn't even do that because I felt 'obligated' to help my traumatized family member, but ended up blowing up the crumb resources I had left in the world. Now there's nothing left, even if I lived out of my car again, my niece destroyed everything that made it 'comfortable' and doable. And I don't even have the money for a gym membership or gas. I'm not even angry, sad, or depressed, just bored and tired. I don't want to be stuck in this perpetual cycle of poverty and lack for the rest of my life. I had a dream of owning a little plot of land and living off grid, but that's never going to happen in my lifetime. Now I don't even dream or 'want' anything. I never spent frivolous always saved my money, but it never mattered, everything I saved would just be eaten up by an emergency. Never had children, got medically sterilized, but then ended up with all the financial risk and damage from a child I never even birthed. Never went to prom because I was working, never went camping like I wanted because I usually worked the weekends, never got to enjoy life much at all. And I have absolutely nothing to show for it, except my paid off car, I guess.
I was willing to simply put my head down and work whatever menial job afforded me the basics until it was my natural time expired. But even the bare basics of doing that is seemingly out of my reach. This place is so unnecessarily hostile or perhaps I'm just a failure to thrive and am projecting my ineptitude onto life. I don't know, but I do know that if I can't get a job to afford the basics of living, then I'd simply rather not live. They can evict me and they can send their overly polite employment rejection letters to my corpse. This reality as taken every crumb I've managed to scrape for myself, I'd like to reserve what's left of my dignity for myself.
Currently deciding on the Charcoal method and Night Night Method. I tried the Charcoal method before and it didn't work, I just kept getting rolling smoke that was unbearable, and when the coals cooled down, nothing happened when I woke up. I was thinking of trying SN, but not sure if I could get it in 5 days. I also have a sensitive stomach, but was thinking maybe putting it in an enema would have a similar effect without the risk of throwing it up. I'd like to double methods if possible, as I can't afford (litterally or figuratively) any mistakes. The last thing that I need is a disability in addition to more debt, with the loss of my miniscule possessions, and new introduction of homelessness.
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