I'm a military veteran that was diagnosed with PTSD. The VA (Veterans Administration), in their eternal wisdom, deemed that I was not worthy of the total individual unemployability rating. Apparently, I'm too unstable to own a weapon, have to take anti-anxiety medication just to walk to my mailbox, go between not being able to muster the will to pick my head up off the pillow in the morning to having periodic insomnia, but I'm totally ok to work? Each day of my life a little more of my dignity is stripped away. My education level does not afford me the opportunity to work remotely, as many are doing during the pandemic, not to mention the fact that I don't retain new information at any substantial level, so finding a new employer would be a fruitless endeavor. I have physical medical needs that have gone completely neglected since the VA requires so much of my "excused" time from work for my mental health appointments, that I can not treat my physical pain. My therapist continually encourages me to participate in group therapies, additional therapy sessions, and so on, but again, I can't take any more time off work. I've been from one job to another, all crap, but because I work my ass off, they don't tend to fire me because I make them too much money. They don't treat me any better, they just don't immediately fire me when I have an "episode" at the worksite. Most of the programs are only available during work hours, and even then, they are very hit and miss. I don't do well with other people. 3 failed marriages and an estranged daughter should paint a pretty good picture at my level of disposability.
I am not ignorant to the fact that I'm not alone in feeling isolated with the pandemic, but my own damn issues have painted me in to such a small corner, the only person I have more then a 2 word conversation with is my therapist (who, frankly, I only talk to so they don't put me in the bin).
I'm always tired, I'm always in pain (mentally and physically), and have no hope that anything will improve above a life of survival in misery. I have tried to CBT multiple times. I've tried pills. I am not prescribed anything that would be effective enough. Having made that attempt x2, only to have woken up 3 days later in a particularly fowl pool of vomit. At one time, I purchased a handgun. Due to unfortunate timing, the local PD intervened. There went my weapon and my ability to buy a new one. Call me a coward, but I don't think I could cut myself at a depth that would sever anything vital and with my luck I would wind up losing the ability to use my hands, therefore, unable to make any further self inflicted attempts. I live in an area that I know I wouldn't be able to achieve terminal velocity.... cows don't grow that tall.
This very long and rambling rant strays far from my purpose however. I need, not want, NEED to CTB. I've been trying to piece together all the information on the "night night" method, but have had limited success in finding the correct location for completion. I feel doomed to continue this existence. I'm not a superhero, I know I'm human, but I can't seem to reach the finish line.
I am not ignorant to the fact that I'm not alone in feeling isolated with the pandemic, but my own damn issues have painted me in to such a small corner, the only person I have more then a 2 word conversation with is my therapist (who, frankly, I only talk to so they don't put me in the bin).
I'm always tired, I'm always in pain (mentally and physically), and have no hope that anything will improve above a life of survival in misery. I have tried to CBT multiple times. I've tried pills. I am not prescribed anything that would be effective enough. Having made that attempt x2, only to have woken up 3 days later in a particularly fowl pool of vomit. At one time, I purchased a handgun. Due to unfortunate timing, the local PD intervened. There went my weapon and my ability to buy a new one. Call me a coward, but I don't think I could cut myself at a depth that would sever anything vital and with my luck I would wind up losing the ability to use my hands, therefore, unable to make any further self inflicted attempts. I live in an area that I know I wouldn't be able to achieve terminal velocity.... cows don't grow that tall.
This very long and rambling rant strays far from my purpose however. I need, not want, NEED to CTB. I've been trying to piece together all the information on the "night night" method, but have had limited success in finding the correct location for completion. I feel doomed to continue this existence. I'm not a superhero, I know I'm human, but I can't seem to reach the finish line.
