nightmares(shit post)

[nikdiedtoday]

lately ive been having nightmares again. woke u called out will keep you posted on if i lose my job or not. wish i could tell my boss ''hey i really want to not be poor so im inclined to WANT to work but can't sometimes due to either severe unchecked mental illness and/OR the fact im being smothered and harassed every single day (most likely a mix of both) and can barely fight the urge to ctb by train otw to my shift.'' anyway. i had a dream that we had this secret room in the walls of my basement with a bunch or weapons and shit and someone broke in before we could get over there stabbed me and my family. me in the neck and others were slashed in the chest. at the time i thought they were clean stabs though. someone told me to take a shirt or something and hold it on the wound so i did that not sure who though. and i was talking to her telling her i love her all the way up to the sky and the trees and the moon and the clouds and i kept saying it and she wasn't crying she was annoyed i kept saying it and just said ''i know i know geeze '' shed say that irl too shes funny and smart. i think she knew she wasn't hurt badly and we'd survive. i think she said i love you back to me. i tried calling the cops but it wasn't working. and then it turned into another dream which was much less cohesive but still had the weapon room and he went downstairs to fight another attacker and came back bloody (i assume he won) its wild cuz in most of my dreams its like alternate versions of my current life but my thought process never changes. before i didn't really think much in my dreams but now during the dreams ill have thoughts that real life me would have. like when he came up from killing that guy i thought to myself "see getting involved in all this shit was always going to kill us and never end well is this what you wanted ? is it worth it to you? '' i was happy he wasn't dead tho so i hugged him. yesterday my dream was really random it was about him making drugs by mistake on the stove and me and her were breathing it in and i could feel my throat closing and couldn't breathe and he didn't care and kept saying it was fine but it wasn't. i couldn't take her outside away from the fumes cuz there were bad guys on the porch. its all strange cuz ive done alot of shit in my day but ive never made drugs lmfaooo. i did live next to a meth lab once i think (long story) i think that dream happened tho cuz i was thinking about my ctb method with is gonna be hanging orrr chemical maybe my brain just twisted shit and thats where the choking i cant breathe feeling came from idk. anyway. my dreams have been weird and mostly only scary because of the deep underlying feeling of ''something is wrong something is wrong and no one is going to help me'' makes sense. woke up tried to go back to sleep couldn't so now im here waiting till its a reasonable time to have coffee cuz i don't wanna have it too early. trying to find a show to watch but everything sucks. ringing is still there. i could have survived the day at work if i didn't have to deal with the looks and watching and little comments and the ringing and timing my every move and all that. i always wonder who i could have been if i just chilled out. is it narcissistic to think ''i could've been great if not for xyz" i wish i had a place to hide or could run away without destroying everyone's life. there are a lot of things im worried about talking about here because if i do im worried ill be seen as 'not sound of mind' and banned which isn't true. im alot of things but a liar and crazy aren't on the list. so i have to keep talking around stuff. i don't even think i could explain it if i wanted to. is chronic deja vu a thing? if so i have it and its killing me (so is everything else ) im like watching my death being carved into the stone of fate real time and i cant do shit. anyway anyway anyway anyway. sorry my grammar is trash and i write my thoughts as they happen this shit is the worst read on the entire site lmfaoo. gonna write about ctb methods now

talk soon talk soon <3