Niceness costs you nothing

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I'm going to say something I've never said on this site before. We are not always a supportive community. I've posted time and time again about how welcoming, supportive, and compassionate the SS community is. But, like any community, we are not perfect.

I've seen several examples now of people reacting to others' pain in not-so-compassionate ways. I've seen posts intended to antagonize or demonize. I've seen threads hijacked by arguments that overshadow the OP's concerns.

In such a community, I think it's important that we all remember that it costs nothing to simply be kind. No matter how much people share of their lives on here, we can never understand their full story. All they seek is a little kindness and understanding.

Now I don't mean that we should stifle debate or let people misuse the forums. But surely we can engage civilly. We don't have to agree with every OP or feel empathy for their situation, but it doesn't mean we have to interject with hurtful, insensitive comments. Each thread, each post on this site is a leap of faith. It's someone who has been pushed aside by the world for some reason - maybe even by their own fault. Each post is an attempt to reach out to find some semblance of understanding and belonging. You don't have to agree or empathize or hug/cry/like. But I think it's good to remember that it costs you nothing to be kind.

I realize this is all a bit idealistic, and it generally ignores the fact that many people on this site also suffer with mental health issues that affect social interactions. I don't want to negate that element, but I still think it's important that this is a site that lifts people up. What better way to show the pro-lifers what true compassion looks like?

</2 cents>

 

[BetterInthanOut]

Well said ❤

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I think what you said is good. We all are suffering in one way or another, and any form of kindness helps.

 

[Anonymoussn]

I agree we should be kind to one another. I also just want to point out that some people on here have mental health issues and personality disorders which might mean that they are prone to mood swings, and aren't always considerate towards others. And that is something that unfortunately isn't likely to change, and is something we largely have to live with. So I would urge people to remember that such behaviour isn't personal, and so whilst disconcerting it may be, you'd do well to just ignore it and move on where possible.

 

[OnlyTheWind]

If I can't relate, I don't say anything. Simple.

 

[fat feet]

I agree we should be kind to one another. I also just want to point out that some people on here have mental health issues and personality disorders which might mean that they are prone to mood swings, and aren't always considerate towards others. And that is something that unfortunately isn't likely to change, and is something we largely have to live with. So I would urge people to remember that such behaviour isn't personal, and so whilst disconcerting it may be, you'd do well to just ignore it and move on where possible.

While I agree and understand what you are saying with the personality thing. I find I can open up to being my kinder self because I finally have people who perhaps have a better understanding of how I feel. I don't want to be be mean to anyone here. If I am short, (i have been once here) I was having a moment of confusion of understanding the site and the persons comment. I did go back and acknowledge my short fall.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

I feel sorry for all people who end with thought of ending their own lives. I am compassionate because I know how it feels. Sometimes it is unbearable. I don't want anyone to be in this situation the less people here the better. It's not good to be suicidal but sometimes it's the only way out we see.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

Well said @Wisdom3_1-9. I've noticed the forum becoming a bit more volatile lately but the dynamic of this place is always changing.

It can be easy to forget that there are flesh and blood people behind those usernames. So it's good that we have reminders from time to time.

 

[muffin222]

I get what you're saying. But, on the flip side I notice a lot of "tone policing" on this site lately as well. Any reply that deviates from the compassionate, lovey dovey script or that casts doubt on the OP's story gets written off as mean or insensitive. There has to be some middle ground between niceness and allowing for people to express opposing opinions freely, as long as it's done in a civil manner.

Simply disagreeing with somehow or noticing inconsistencies in a story isn't being mean, in my eyes. It's just the nature of the Internet- people are going to interpret things in differently at times

 

[XYZ]

Very nice post. I'm quick to anger, and make bad decisions when I am stressed, so I need to remind myself to practise kindness. I am honestly sorry for all the times I say stupid things, both here and irl. Feeling sorry doesn't mean anything without changing the behaviour. So thx for reminding me I need to do that.

 

[Sarahlynn]

I get what you're saying. But, on the flip side I notice a lot of "tone policing" on this site lately as well. Any reply that deviates from the compassionate, lovey dovey script or that casts doubt on the OP's story gets written off as mean or insensitive. There has to be some middle ground between niceness and allowing for people to express opposing opinions freely, as long as it's done in a civil manner.

Simply disagreeing with somehow or noticing inconsistencies in a story isn't being mean, in my eyes. It's just the nature of the Internet- people are going to interpret things in differently at times

For me, it depends on what kind of thread they are replying in. I have seen some examples of people saying they are going to CTB right now, and then present a pretty stupid plan to do so. When being told it's not a good idea and why, they just return with "I don't care, lol", then it's understandable that people reply in a sharp tone. But I have come across posts in venting threads that has been downright rude or mean. When someone needs to vent due to being in massive mental pain, people should refrain from harsh criticism and rude answers. Think OP is an idiot? Fine, leave the thread and go on with your life, no need to try to make them feel worse.

I have reported a couple of posts on here, and both times the mods have been quick to remove the content. So please report posts if you find them offensive, then the people in charge can decide whether they should be removed or not.

That being said, I have autism, which means I sometimes come across wrong or misunderstand people. That might cause me to write stuff I shouldn't, and I might not realize myself. I try not to, but I hope people let me know if I do a social faux pas, as it probably wasn't intended from my side.

 

[Life_and_Death]

noticing inconsistencies in a story isn't being mean

this in itself is not mean you are correct. however the way some people handle it is. like calling them a gaslighter ever AFTER they explain it and then calling them manipulative because the person said they were done with the situation. with the post going into why they are a gaslighter and manipulative so long that you actually have to scroll quite a bit to read the whole thing.
i will actually say things in my thread just so people dont respond to them lol

I have reported a couple of posts on here, and both times the mods have been quick to remove the content. So please report posts if you find them offensive, then the people in charge can decide whether they should be removed or not.

ive personally wanted to report a few posts but dont because im not sure what to say when it asks for a reason.

 

[Ghost2211]

There is a fine line between asking we all be kinder and censorship.

 

[Sarahlynn]

ive personally wanted to report a few posts but dont because im not sure what to say when it asks for a reason.

I haven't been in that situation here yet, but at other forums I have sometimes just put in a reason like "I'm not sure if this post is appropriate, could you please have a look at it?"

 

[Deleted member 4993]

So very well said @Wisdom3_1-9

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I also just want to point out that some people on here have mental health issues and personality disorders which might mean that they are prone to mood swings, and aren't always considerate towards others. And that is something that unfortunately isn't likely to change, and is something we largely have to live with. So I would urge people to remember that such behaviour isn't personal, and so whilst disconcerting it may be, you'd do well to just ignore it and move on where possible.

I get what you're saying. But, on the flip side I notice a lot of "tone policing" on this site lately as well. Any reply that deviates from the compassionate, lovey dovey script or that casts doubt on the OP's story gets written off as mean or insensitive. There has to be some middle ground between niceness and allowing for people to express opposing opinions freely, as long as it's done in a civil manner.

There is a fine line between asking we all be kinder and censorship.

These are all very excellent points. I don't think there are simple solutions, and there is an element of subjectivity in everything. Where "the line" exists is different for everyone and can move based on a number of different factors which vary from person to person.

Still, I believe that if we keep a kind heart at the center of our interactions with others on the site, it will yield a more positive environment. Even when we disagree, thinking of that old proverb — "you catch more flies with honey" — might be a good philosophy.

Of course, no one can force anyone to be kind, and that's not what I'm after. That indeed would be censorship. People should be free to share their emotions, even when they are angry and upset with other posts. Being able to express those feelings in a way that doesn't degrade the humanity of others is perhaps a skill that takes some time to develop. Perhaps it's something towards which we all need to work.

 

[262653]

I misread the title as "Niceness gives/yields you nothing", probably because it would reflect my views. Niceness to me associates with garbage processed foods masked with artificial sweeteners/flavors/colors, in a sense that it might allow the consumer to accept the garbage instead of throwing it out, or in another sense, allow the whiner to accept his/her shitty predicament by bombing him/her with consolations, instead of offering solutions to their problem, or ignoring them, which would encourage them to seek other ways to resolve their problems.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

Nah, you're right. I'm sure I'm guilty of being less-than compassionate on here, too.

 

[pennylanefinaltake]

Thanks for writing this. I agree with you. I don't want to go into details now but my friend was bullied online and she's been missing since sending me a ctb text.

 

[Mm80]

For me, it depends on what kind of thread they are replying in. I have seen some examples of people saying they are going to CTB right now, and then present a pretty stupid plan to do so. When being told it's not a good idea and why, they just return with "I don't care, lol", then it's understandable that people reply in a sharp tone. But I have come across posts in venting threads that has been downright rude or mean. When someone needs to vent due to being in massive mental pain, people should refrain from harsh criticism and rude answers. Think OP is an idiot? Fine, leave the thread and go on with your life, no need to try to make them feel worse.

I have reported a couple of posts on here, and both times the mods have been quick to remove the content. So please report posts if you find them offensive, then the people in charge can decide whether they should be removed or not.

That being said, I have autism, which means I sometimes come across wrong or misunderstand people. That might cause me to write stuff I shouldn't, and I might not realize myself. I try not to, but I hope people let me know if I do a social faux pas, as it probably wasn't intended from my side.

Really good point about autism.
Im on the spectrum too and in the survey the other month the results showed that a lot of members of ss are autistic (16%) say compared to the general population.

 

[CarbonMonoxide]

There is a fine line between asking we all be kinder and censorship.

I agree with this statement. I've noticed a growing trend on social media where perceived dissenters are down voted, censored or 'canceled', whatever that means. I'd hate for that group think mentality to develop on ss where you can't post anything other than happy thoughts without being reported.

At times criticism is necessary though I do agree that it should be delivered in a mature fashion. We're not a group mind or a cult. We're unique individuals from diverse backgrounds and should be allowed some leeway in terms of self expression.

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

If I don't like someone on here based on things they've said or done then I just avoid talking to them altogether. I don't think I'm obligated to be polite to people I dislike but you don't need to be rude either.

 

[Deleted member 10475]

This is a really great post, OP.

I've noticed the vibe of the site has changed a lot and it's really disappointing to see. The name calling, accusing people of attention seeking, and just being overall malicious reminds me of being on FB or Reddit.

There's no issue in correcting people and stuff like, but some take it way too far. I'm grateful for some of the wonderful people I've met on here but at times, it doesn't feel like a supportive community.

 

[muffin222]

That being said, I have autism, which means I sometimes come across wrong or misunderstand people. That might cause me to write stuff I shouldn't, and I might not realize myself. I try not to, but I hope people let me know if I do a social faux pas, as it probably wasn't intended from my side.

Same here. My autism can cause me to come off as cold, blunt, or judgmental at times in my posts, but it's never my intention to hurt anyone's feelings




@Rlly

I have noticed a shift in the site. That being said, it's not coming out of nowhere, either. I've noticed a lot posts lately that are on the extreme side- full of half truths, intentionally provocative, or just extremely reckless and lacking common sense (e.g. shots of SN). It's really bizarre. I think some people just get fed up

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I have noticed a shift in the site. That being said, it's not coming out of nowhere, either. I've noticed a lot posts lately that are on the extreme side- full of half truths, intentionally provocative, or just extremely reckless and lacking common sense (e.g. shots of SN). It's really bizarre. I think some people just get fed up

This.

I find you often make insightful, balanced posts that just nail it for me.

I've held back commenting on this thread so far, because I couldn't succinctly say what you succinctly said.

I really strive to be both direct and compassionate, but there are times when, as you said, I just get fed up, can't take any more, and I recently lost it. When the site goes through periods like what you described, I eventually hit my limit. I can choose to walk away, or I can choose to speak out; I often go for the latter, and when I do, I occasionally choose to be really biting in my directness because I'm past a tolerable limit. I own my choices.


There was much I liked and respected about the original post of this thread, and some I took exception to. I didn't react because there is no sideways thumb react to indicate both.

 

[fat feet]

I agree with this statement. I've noticed a growing trend on social media where perceived dissenters are down voted, censored or 'canceled', whatever that means. I'd hate for that group think mentality to develop on ss where you can't post anything other than happy thoughts without being reported.

At times criticism is necessary though I do agree that it should be delivered in a mature fashion. We're not a group mind or a cult. We're unique individuals from diverse backgrounds and should be allowed some leeway in terms of self expression.

Well said.

What???!!! Huh. I had no idea...

This is one persons opinion. I personally disagree, once I has some great direction from people I have found the information I need.

 

[muffin222]

This.

I find you often make insightful, balanced posts that just nail it for me.

I've held back commenting on this thread so far, because I couldn't succinctly say what you succinctly said.

I really strive to be both direct and compassionate, but there are times when, as you said, I just get fed up, can't take any more, and I recently lost it. When the site goes through periods like what you described, I eventually hit my limit. I can choose to walk away, or I can choose to speak out; I often go for the latter, and when I do, I occasionally choose to be really biting in my directness because I'm past a tolerable limit. I own my choices.


There was much I liked and respected about the original post of this thread, and some I took exception to. I didn't react because there is no sideways thumb react to indicate both.

Thank you! I really appreciate that, especially from someone as eloquent as yourself Direct and compassionate is precisely how I aim to come across as well. I do think that, unfortunately, a lot of people have a black-and-white perspective on "niceness" that leaves no room to be both blunt and compassionate at the same time. That's where the accusations of insensitivity get thrown out

We can be compassionate souls whilst also speaking our truths openly. They're not mutually exclusive. Sugar coating isn't always niceness, and blunt expression isn't always mean. There's a fine line between sympathy and tacitly enabling recklessness and dishonesty.

It's all in the intention behind the words. I can also relate to being biting when you've reached your limit. It can be frustrating at times to dole out compassion to people who sometimes seem to purposefully place themselves in harm's way against all common sense or who stretch the truth in order to gain sympathy from posters on here- even more so when it's seen as something you "have" to do in order to be a supportive member of the community.

I'm not sure what's fueling this uptick in bizarre, extreme posts lately... it's very odd and tiring to read.