Venting New User Intro Vent

[gonnaregretthis]

Hi, I just joined a few days ago and this is gonna get pretty long. I wanted to talk abt why I want to CTB. Not just why I'm suicidal but why I actually wanna do it.

I have both PTSD and C-PTSD, from psychological abuse from my dad that lasted until I moved out at 23 and from being raped by a on my college campus at 19. Because of the rape my grades plummeted (couldnt focus cause I was constantly triggered) and I never got a degree. I dropped out at 22 and got a job but could only keep it for 3 months. A couple months after that I was in the psych ward after pathetically (sorta) trying to ctb (i say sorta cause i really did not take it seriously or look up methods that well and i regretted it really quickly)

i stayed in the hospital for 5 months and they helped me leave my abusive dad which is great but living on my own has been impossible. i was put in a neighborhood thats very hard to get to which means what few friends i did keep after the hospital hardly visited me. i became a shut in, which has lead to health problems and chronic pain. ive been unemployed this whole time, up to now at 29 and i feel like a complete failure at life. i have no skills and no experience which means no jobs want me. and if no jobs want me then i am useless to society and i might as well be dead.

i know they say you shouldn't compare yourself to others but i feel like im the oldest and most pathetic person in my peer groups. my girlfriend is 5 years younger than me, which makes me feel disgusting sometimes. sometimes i wish i could be dead and she could just have all my things but she says she wouldn't like that.... she also has a lot going on with her mental health, honestly way more than me and i feel so guilty that I cant just tough it out for her.
so yeah ive been suicidal for a long time but in the past few months ive really thought that ctb might be possible for me. sometimes i flip though. its hard.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

My pathetic excuse of a Mother was a malignant narcissist. So I understand how psychological abuse affects people.
She was a severely controlling, and sadistic bitch, who constantly put me through hell. She tormented me all through my childhood until I was old enough to escape from her abuse.
Yet, I had constant thoughts about killing her, even after I had left her.
I just couldn't stop replaying the abuse I had suffered in my mind.
I wanted to make her suffer in the worst possible way, because she had literally damaged my mind and she needed to pay for what she had done.
Thankfully she died of lung cancer not long after I left home.
I'm so sorry about all the horrors you have been through, especially with something like sexual assault.
Rapists are vile creatures who deserve to be burned alive. They really should all be exterminated instead of being sent to prison.
Abuse has basically ruined my life because I wasn't able to develop like a so-called normal person.
I suffer from untreatable clinical depression and generalised anxiety disorder because of the mental cruelty that was inflicted upon me from infancy to the age of 16.
Please don't feel like a failure, because none of this is your fault.
Also, a 5 year age difference between you and your partner isn't a problem. It really isn't.
All that matters is the love between you.

 

[nicotine_goblin]

Hey, welcome to ss. The situation is incredibly difficult for you, I'm sorry. I too dropped out twice due to my mental health, wasn't able to attend classes due to anxiety and not getting out of bed. No degree, working a shitty factory job but I'm glad I at least have that. Once again I'm sorry life led you to this place and I hope you'll find what you're looking for and get the peace you deserve

 

[gonnaregretthis]

My pathetic excuse of a Mother was a malignant narcissist. So I understand how psychological abuse affects people.
She was a severely controlling, and sadistic bitch, who constantly put me through hell. She tormented me all through my childhood until I was old enough to escape from her abuse.
Yet, I had constant thoughts about killing her, even after I had left her.
I just couldn't stop replaying the abuse I had suffered in my mind.
I wanted to make her suffer in the worst possible way, because she had literally damaged my mind and she needed to pay for what she had done.
Thankfully she died of lung cancer not long after I left home.
I'm so sorry about all the horrors you have been through, especially with something like sexual assault.
Rapists are vile creatures who deserve to be burned alive. They really should all be exterminated instead of being sent to prison.
Abuse has basically ruined my life because I wasn't able to develop like a so-called normal person.
I suffer from untreatable clinical depression and generalised anxiety disorder because of the mental cruelty that was inflicted upon me from infancy to the age of 16.
Please don't feel like a failure, because none of this is your fault.
Also, a 5 year age difference between you and your partner isn't a problem. It really isn't.
All that matters is the love between you.

hey thanks for responding. hope this isnt overstepping but your mom sounds awful and im glad shes gone and hope shes suffering in the afterlife.

totally agree abt rapists too. i try not to qualify my experience as "not that bad" but when i hear abt what others have gone through it really makes me want all rapists to burn in hell.

and thank you, we really do love each other ;_;

Hey, welcome to ss. The situation is incredibly difficult for you, I'm sorry. I too dropped out twice due to my mental health, wasn't able to attend classes due to anxiety and not getting out of bed. No degree, working a shitty factory job but I'm glad I at least have that. Once again I'm sorry life led you to this place and I hope you'll find what you're looking for and get the peace you deserve

thank you for the welcome, and i hope you can find peace in whatever you seek as well. its really comforting to feel like im not alone in this.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really dreadful what you've been through, it's just so cruel how people have to suffer so much in this existence. But anyway best wishes.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

hey thanks for responding. hope this isnt overstepping but your mom sounds awful and im glad shes gone and hope shes suffering in the afterlife.

totally agree abt rapists too. i try not to qualify my experience as "not that bad" but when i hear abt what others have gone through it really makes me want all rapists to burn in hell.

and thank you, we really do love each other ;_;

thank you for the welcome, and i hope you can find peace in whatever you seek as well. its really comforting to feel like im not alone in this.

It's perfectly OK. You are right about my awful mother. And yes, all rapists need their genitals burned to cinders with a blowtorch.