New relationships despite suicidality - seeking perspective

[Rounded Apathy]

To be honest this will probably be irrelevant since the dating scene is horrible thanks to the pandemic/shitty human behaviour on apps/modern society/etc. etc., but I am curious as I'm in the position where I want to date and am intermittently putting some effort into it. Each round I try again I give less of a shit (probably for the better), but one thing in the back of my mind on recent goes is this guilty feeling of becoming attached to someone...or moreso, having them become attached to me, while I am in this state. I don't have imminent plans or anything, but just feeling inclined in this way makes me feel bad that I would even try and forge a close attachment to someone who'd theoretically be devastated by my self-inflicted "untimely" demise.

To be honest I sort of feel this way in my efforts in making new friends, which tends to ebb and flow in a similar manner, but obviously less so since those people would be less close, and in my case the friends I have made most recently I have pretty limited interaction time with given the way stupid life is. So, I'm curious as to whether others do/have experienced this, maybe any ways of looking at things different, accepting, modifying, or to just vent collectively about yet another unfortunate dimension of existence.

 

[Zegers]

If you are depressed and fucked up i think it's more likely to hit the powerball than to find SO in a dating app, people is just shallow, they talk with lots and they'll throw you in a swipe but give it a try if you feel like it.

 

[Lone Wanderer]

I too felt the same way, but then I decided to just make as much happy memories as I can before I CTB.

 

[Lain8]

There's lots of perspectives that you could go around this topic but I typically have the "don't care attitude" of just doing your own thing. Also, I think it's better that people get to know you for "you" before telling them you are depressed as I find that most people look at you differently or even try to avoid you because they don't know how to deal with that kind of thing. It can help as well if you find you have a superficial relationship with someone (that you're sure it's not going to develop in a real friendship) then you don't have to bother telling them anything.

Overall, cross the bridge when you actually get there.

 

[Pluto]

I'm currently attempting to find a relationship despite having times when I'm sure I'm not long for this world. It's a real roller-coaster. However, it is a legitimate part of an attempt at recovery. Being alone in the world has been my main reason for being suicidal. It is a multi-pronged approach including genuine efforts at fitness and such.

The dating apps have major issues, but that can bring an opportunity to distinguish yourself from all the narcissists, cynics and short-attention-span types. Critiquing society makes for good conversation with open-minded people. So I say you might as well go for it, but don't overlook other aspects of attempted recovery or else it could make things worse.

 

[Rounded Apathy]

Thanks to those who've written. @Lain8 I absolutely never get into this with new connections haha. Partly because with such people I'm often able to momentarily leave this mental baggage behind, so I prefer to just bask in the fantasy reality. @Pluto: the "multi-pronged approach" piece is something I've thought of before; I've done plenty of independent work in identifying several things my life lacks which lead me to feel it isn't worth living. I have no resilience for these and other reasons and wonder now how much more, if any, I'd have if any number of these criteria were changed.

It's hard to know at this point though how much of a different those things would make. I had a kind of gestalt moment that the daily terror I face in wondering whether a basic bodily function will result in a debilitating level of pain is probably taking the biggest toll on me of all. Being unable to live life as "normal" and act as an agent of change to ameliorate your circumstance - indeed, the nearly ever-present fear of the return of that reality - reall does a number on my mental state.

I had an average date the other day (second best one of the last two/four years) that I feel simultaneously indifferent and curious about the possibility of seeing through to its potential future...but unlike even half a year ago, part of me wants it to just get shot down by the other party so I don't have to experience the possibility of some more being taken away from me. Sigh.