New member mentally suffering

[AbysmalAbyss]

Hello everyone. New member, and I am suffering mentally, tremendously. I've dealt with depression for a lot of my life, but these last several years have been exponentially worse. I don't even know where to start.

I've screwed up quite a bit the past few years. It has just increased my depression and my desire to give up on life. I recently discovered SN, and it seems like the best way for me. I ordered it last week, and it arrived. I remember when it came I was shaking. I set a day, and I really thought I was going to do it. But I didn't. I moved it to a few days later, but didn't again. I did make the mixture though.

I'm fearful of nothing. I want to believe in an afterlife, especially since that comforts me tremendously.

Not sure why I'm scared of nothingness. Sorry, I'm having a hard time just sharing right now. I had the dumbest disagreement with my fiance today, and I left our house with the stuff I need. I'm sitting here debating right now if I should do it, yet again. I'm literally shaking. I'd say it's 50/50. I just know that I feel like it's getting closer and closer to happening.

I feel terrible about the pain that it will cause. I continue think about the people who care about me, and although it's not that many, their love is deep and legitimate. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I'm struggling to continue due to my own pain.

Thanks for reading.

 

[WornOutLife]

Hi and welcome!
I'm sorry to hear you're suffering so much. Dealing with depression every day is hell.
Have you tried finding a hobby? It could be reading, working out, learning a language, etc.

I don't wanna hurt anybody either but in my opinion, ctb is a selfish act.

Anyway, wish you the best and hope you feel better soon.

 

[Sherri]

Hi weldome,
Hope you can fine some comfort and knowledge here. Most of us struggle with anxiety and depression. Most people in life will experience that at one point in their lives, and move on, others like us find coping mechanisms and take it day by day, some of us unfortunately don't have the energy anymore and decide to leave this world. I'm sorry for your suffering. If you ever need someone to talk to my pm is always open. Sending you hugs, and welcome once again hun.

 

[x~Sophia~x]

Hi, welcome to SS, sorry life has brought you here, but I'm wondering if you're making the right choice here. I don't know anything about how you've "screwed up in the last few years", but is it really that bad that you can't salvage your life? Have you spoken to your fiancée about how hopeless you're feeling? You say you have people who love you deeply, could they support you through this difficult period of your life?
If you were to take SN today without going through the structured regime first, it could fail abysmally. Don't act on impulse, this is the biggest decision you will ever make, and potentially your last one. Please take time to think things through carefully.
Wishing you the best... :)

 

[Makko]

Don't try to do it right after you had an upheaval. You'll probably mess up and hurt yourself. It's something to be done on a cool head with careful preparation.

That said, don't consider anyone else's feelings when making the decision. Only you matter.

 

[hopelessyearning]

That said, don't consider anyone else's feelings when making the decision. Only you matter.

I like that part :\

 

[Makko]

I like that part :\

Worrying about others in his context is just torturing yourself needlessly. Your own moral qualms won't won't reduce the impact of your death on others. Allow yourself to be fully and completely selfish, just this once.

 

[hopelessyearning]

Hello everyone. New member, and I am suffering mentally, tremendously. I've dealt with depression for a lot of my life, but these last several years have been exponentially worse. I don't even know where to start.

I've screwed up quite a bit the past few years. It has just increased my depression and my desire to give up on life. I recently discovered SN, and it seems like the best way for me. I ordered it last week, and it arrived. I remember when it came I was shaking. I set a day, and I really thought I was going to do it. But I didn't. I moved it to a few days later, but didn't again. I did make the mixture though.

I'm fearful of nothing. I want to believe in an afterlife, especially since that comforts me tremendously.

Not sure why I'm scared of nothingness. Sorry, I'm having a hard time just sharing right now. I had the dumbest disagreement with my fiance today, and I left our house with the stuff I need. I'm sitting here debating right now if I should do it, yet again. I'm literally shaking. I'd say it's 50/50. I just know that I feel like it's getting closer and closer to happening.

I feel terrible about the pain that it will cause. I continue think about the people who care about me, and although it's not that many, their love is deep and legitimate. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I'm struggling to continue due to my own pain.

Thanks for reading.

I relate

Hello everyone. New member, and I am suffering mentally, tremendously. I've dealt with depression for a lot of my life, but these last several years have been exponentially worse. I don't even know where to start.

I've screwed up quite a bit the past few years. It has just increased my depression and my desire to give up on life. I recently discovered SN, and it seems like the best way for me. I ordered it last week, and it arrived. I remember when it came I was shaking. I set a day, and I really thought I was going to do it. But I didn't. I moved it to a few days later, but didn't again. I did make the mixture though.

I'm fearful of nothing. I want to believe in an afterlife, especially since that comforts me tremendously.

Not sure why I'm scared of nothingness. Sorry, I'm having a hard time just sharing right now. I had the dumbest disagreement with my fiance today, and I left our house with the stuff I need. I'm sitting here debating right now if I should do it, yet again. I'm literally shaking. I'd say it's 50/50. I just know that I feel like it's getting closer and closer to happening.

I feel terrible about the pain that it will cause. I continue think about the people who care about me, and although it's not that many, their love is deep and legitimate. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I'm struggling to continue due to my own pain.

Thanks for reading.

I relate with that of hurting people for generations to come! I feel you Maybe you could let this day cool down any emotions going on and start over tomorrow somehow :)

Wish you well

 

[profoundexperience]

Hi @AbysmalAbyss (great username by the way),

I'm so sorry for your deep suffering!

What (the feelings) you're going-through are completely normal. Many of us experience the same. I just want to say you're not alone in this... We hear you.

 

[AbysmalAbyss]

Thank you all for the kind words and insights.

Hobbies, I've had plenty and slowly they've eroded away from me over the years. Now, I have very little interest in anything. I've been struggling to shower and brush my teeth lately, it's an actual chore.

As far as what's happened recently, that was just the icing on the cake for me really. I've been in hell for many years, so not a rash decision I'm making. I still haven't decided yet either.

Do I want to die? A good portion of the time. Do I want to do it myself? Very rarely. I'm just so tired of this struggle. Feeling empty, no motivation to do anything. Barely ever smile anymore.

Thank you all for listening.

 

[x~Sophia~x]

Hi @AbysmalAbyss (great username by the way),

I'm so sorry for your deep suffering!

What (the feelings) you're going-through are completely normal. Many of us experience the same. I just want to say you're not alone in this... We hear you.

Thank you all for the kind words and insights.

Hobbies, I've had plenty and slowly they've eroded away from me over the years. Now, I have very little interest in anything. I've been struggling to shower and brush my teeth lately, it's an actual chore.

I can relate, as I'm sure many others on this forum will too. The lack of interest in anything that used to make you happy, is a classic symptom of depression. Also the lack of personal hygiene - it's all just too much effort.

As far as what's happened recently, that was just the icing on the cake for me really. I've been in hell for many years, so not a rash decision I'm making. I still haven't decided yet either.

I wonder if you've had any help for your depression? Have you spoken to your GP? Do you have any support, do you take anti depressant meds?

Do I want to die? A good portion of the time. Do I want to do it myself? Very rarely. I'm just so tired of this struggle. Feeling empty, no motivation to do anything. Barely ever smile anymore.

I don't know what country you're in, but there is help out there for you to consider before taking such drastic action as ctb.

 

[AbysmalAbyss]

I've tried some antidepressants (prescribed by a Dr) and haven't had much help. I'm in the good old USA.

Anhedonia is a bitch. The only thing that I can get any joy from lately is reading. Lost my interest in music, cars, my motorcycle, exercising, basically anything I can think of.

As far as personal hygiene, it's a damn struggle as well. I used to be a competitive body builder, worked out like a fiend, and my usual daily routine required multiple showers daily. If I didn't live with my fiance, omg... I probably wouldn't shower at this point. It's just crazy because I've never been that way. Ever. Just a mess right now. Been a mess. I should probably try to talk to someone, but I have a long road ahead of me of more problems. Problems I can't deal with. Don't want to deal with.

Compounded with my anhedonia, life just feels so pointless. It's not supposed to feel like this. I just want to wake up and smile. Wake up and not want to cry. But I don't...please forgive my whining. Nobody truly knows where I am mentally right now. My fiance knows there's something bothering me, she feels that I am depressed and I should go get help. I don't have the heart to tell her how bad I am, and that I just want to give up.
Ctb... What is this acronym? I've read the guide and I don't recall seeing it. Cross the? Driving me crazy. I see it in almost every thread, I understand what it means, just not what it literally stands for.

 

[Brackenshire]

Catch the bus

 

[x~Sophia~x]

I've tried some antidepressants (prescribed by a Dr) and haven't had much help. I'm in the good old USA.

You say you tried antidepressants - how long did you take them and are you still taking them now? If not, did you go back to your gp and tell them they aren't working for you? There are many others to try. What works for one, may not work for another.

Anhedonia is a bitch. The only thing that I can get any joy from lately is reading. Lost my interest in music, cars, my motorcycle, exercising, basically anything I can think of.

It's good that you can still read. Many people lose concentration and can't read or watch TV

As far as personal hygiene, it's a damn struggle as well. I used to be a competitive body builder, worked out like a fiend, and my usual daily routine required multiple showers daily. If I didn't live with my fiance, omg... I probably wouldn't shower at this point. It's just crazy because I've never been that way. Ever. Just a mess right now. Been a mess. I should probably try to talk to someone, but I have a long road ahead of me of more problems. Problems I can't deal with. Don't want to deal with.

Whatever the reason is, you're still taking care of yourself, and yes, you do need to talk to someone... you might find you can deal with your problems better, with some support, someone to talk to who won't judge you.

Compounded with my anhedonia, life just feels so pointless. It's not supposed to feel like this. I just want to wake up and smile. Wake up and not want to cry. But I don't...please forgive my whining. Nobody truly knows where I am mentally right now. My fiance knows there's something bothering me, she feels that I am depressed and I should go get help. I don't have the heart to tell her how bad I am, and that I just want to give up.

Your fiance deserves a chance to be there for you and to support you through this terrible time, please talk to them.

Ctb... What is this acronym? I've read the guide and I don't recall seeing it. Cross the? Driving me crazy. I see it in almost every thread, I understand what it means, just not what it literally stands for.

Oh sorry, I didn't know what it meant either, when I first joined this group. I thought it meant 'cease to breathe', but it is actually 'catch the bus.'