Thank you for letting me join. This will probably be a pretty long post as I'm just letting it all out...
Let me start by saying I believe I am a terrible person that cares only about himself.
I am 30 years old and have been with my wife since I was 18. We got married at 21. I don't even recognize who I am anymore I have changed so much in the last 12 years. I used to be social and funny. I always struggled with relationships though. Shortly after I started dating my wife I isolated both of us from our friendship circles. I've done it with high school girlfriends as well. I think I was insecure and had trust issues. Over the course of time I have improved on that. My wife has friends that she goes out with. I still don't.
I'm not a good husband. Maybe I was at one point. We fight all the time and I'm never there for her when she needs me because I'm so caught up in my own depression. We don't do anything together anymore. I love her but deep down I hate being around her. She is pleasant and still desires me. I have felt this way for a long time and I don't know why. I never want to have sex, touch or flirt. I will masturbate pretty frequently and she knows that and is extremely hurt by it because she knows that I know if I made a move on her she will almost always be down for a good time. I'm not asexual or anything. I still find other women attractive. Just not the one I owe my life to...
EDITING still. Dog nudged my phone and submitted
I can barely hold a conversation with anyone anymore. I just don't know what to say most of the time. This leads to more marriage problems as well as my social skills with others. I don't find anything interesting anymore and never have an opinion to share on a subject.
So moving onto more reasons I'm a terrible person ...
For about 2 years I worked for my father in law at his manufacturing business. He is a difficult and nasty person but it doesn't excuse my behavior. For about 18 of those months I was stealing from the company. I did the payroll and would add 5 hours of overtime to my check every week. Eventually he figured it out and we had a falling out. He threatened to have me arrested. There's more to the story but that's the gist of it. My wife chose me over her family. We haven't spoken to her family in over 5 years now.
About 2 years ago I had a Discord group I would play games with on the weekends. Nobody I knew IRL but we all became friends. There was one girl in the group and I flirted and harassed her for nudes for quite a while. She seemed to like the attention but never followed through with my requests. My wife just found out about this maybe 6 months ago on her own. She was so hurt.
More recently about a year ago our marriage was really bad. I was working a different job and made friends with an older, divorced (from a woman) gay man there. One night we got together and I laid it all out on the table how bad my marriage was going. At some point I made a sarcastic remark "guess I'm gonna go home and jerk it again" as he was aware that I wasn't having sex with my wife. He took a different meaning to my remark. He had driven, so when he brought me back to his house where my car was, he parked in a secluded area and asked me what kind of porn I like to watch...a little weirded out I answered. He puts his phone in between us with porn playing. Several minutes go by, he tells me I can get comfortable blah blah. I'm sitting there frozen. Few minutes later he says "now you've got me curious" and reaches for my dick. He tells me to tell him if I am uncomfortable. Me being the awkward person I am goes along with it because I didn't want to confront. We end up going into his house and I pounded a drink or two down...I ended up sleeping with this man. I don't consider myself bi or gay (though he was trying to convince me I am gay and we share the same experiences). I won't lie I was curious what it would be like, but deep down this isn't what I wanted or planned to happen.
Shortly after this happens my wife and I start marriage counseling and I admit to her what happened. She knew something was wrong for a while. She tells me I was raped. I told her I think that is too strong of a word to describe what happened. Many months later I worked with a psychologist who worded it perfectly. I was "coaxed into a sexual relationship" with this man. When my wife found out of course she was so so hurt. But she stuck with me. She actually went and got her own bits of vengeance. She found out where she lived and did some vandalism to his stuff. Slashed tires, keyed car etc.
Life is so fucked up. I am the creator of all of my misery. I've been unfaithful no matter what way you look at it. I sexually harassed a girl on the internet. I fucked a man in his 50s whether it was completely consensual or not. And I STILL haven't lost my wife. How the fuck can someone love me as much as she does? I don't deserve it.
I say nasty things to her, I'm extremely negative, I'm lazy, not supportive and probably a hundred other things.
We have discussed divorce but we are both very codependent. It's not healthy. We have a house and pets. If she leaves I can't afford the house and vice versa. She wants to keep the pets if we split which I understand. But she can't afford a place to rent that allows them. She has a place to stay with friends out of state but could only bring the dog and she wouldn't have a job or friends aside from one anymore.
I have done all of this to her. I'm a piece of shit and dying feels like the only way to escape. I told her I was feeling this way and she wants me to get help. I'm so done with therapy and trying to fix things. I get better for a couple weeks then I'm back to miserable old me again.
I want my old life back or nothing at all. Since I can't go back in time, I am ready for my exit. I will be leaving behind a wife that deserves far better than me, a dog and a cat that I love more than anything, and my mother. It hurts so much knowing the damage I might do to everybody, but I can't make the pain go away. I fuck everything up. I feel like this is the one thing I have control over to show my wife I do care for her even though I don't ever know how to show it - by setting her free.
Let me start by saying I believe I am a terrible person that cares only about himself.
I am 30 years old and have been with my wife since I was 18. We got married at 21. I don't even recognize who I am anymore I have changed so much in the last 12 years. I used to be social and funny. I always struggled with relationships though. Shortly after I started dating my wife I isolated both of us from our friendship circles. I've done it with high school girlfriends as well. I think I was insecure and had trust issues. Over the course of time I have improved on that. My wife has friends that she goes out with. I still don't.
I'm not a good husband. Maybe I was at one point. We fight all the time and I'm never there for her when she needs me because I'm so caught up in my own depression. We don't do anything together anymore. I love her but deep down I hate being around her. She is pleasant and still desires me. I have felt this way for a long time and I don't know why. I never want to have sex, touch or flirt. I will masturbate pretty frequently and she knows that and is extremely hurt by it because she knows that I know if I made a move on her she will almost always be down for a good time. I'm not asexual or anything. I still find other women attractive. Just not the one I owe my life to...
EDITING still. Dog nudged my phone and submitted
I can barely hold a conversation with anyone anymore. I just don't know what to say most of the time. This leads to more marriage problems as well as my social skills with others. I don't find anything interesting anymore and never have an opinion to share on a subject.
So moving onto more reasons I'm a terrible person ...
For about 2 years I worked for my father in law at his manufacturing business. He is a difficult and nasty person but it doesn't excuse my behavior. For about 18 of those months I was stealing from the company. I did the payroll and would add 5 hours of overtime to my check every week. Eventually he figured it out and we had a falling out. He threatened to have me arrested. There's more to the story but that's the gist of it. My wife chose me over her family. We haven't spoken to her family in over 5 years now.
About 2 years ago I had a Discord group I would play games with on the weekends. Nobody I knew IRL but we all became friends. There was one girl in the group and I flirted and harassed her for nudes for quite a while. She seemed to like the attention but never followed through with my requests. My wife just found out about this maybe 6 months ago on her own. She was so hurt.
More recently about a year ago our marriage was really bad. I was working a different job and made friends with an older, divorced (from a woman) gay man there. One night we got together and I laid it all out on the table how bad my marriage was going. At some point I made a sarcastic remark "guess I'm gonna go home and jerk it again" as he was aware that I wasn't having sex with my wife. He took a different meaning to my remark. He had driven, so when he brought me back to his house where my car was, he parked in a secluded area and asked me what kind of porn I like to watch...a little weirded out I answered. He puts his phone in between us with porn playing. Several minutes go by, he tells me I can get comfortable blah blah. I'm sitting there frozen. Few minutes later he says "now you've got me curious" and reaches for my dick. He tells me to tell him if I am uncomfortable. Me being the awkward person I am goes along with it because I didn't want to confront. We end up going into his house and I pounded a drink or two down...I ended up sleeping with this man. I don't consider myself bi or gay (though he was trying to convince me I am gay and we share the same experiences). I won't lie I was curious what it would be like, but deep down this isn't what I wanted or planned to happen.
Shortly after this happens my wife and I start marriage counseling and I admit to her what happened. She knew something was wrong for a while. She tells me I was raped. I told her I think that is too strong of a word to describe what happened. Many months later I worked with a psychologist who worded it perfectly. I was "coaxed into a sexual relationship" with this man. When my wife found out of course she was so so hurt. But she stuck with me. She actually went and got her own bits of vengeance. She found out where she lived and did some vandalism to his stuff. Slashed tires, keyed car etc.
Life is so fucked up. I am the creator of all of my misery. I've been unfaithful no matter what way you look at it. I sexually harassed a girl on the internet. I fucked a man in his 50s whether it was completely consensual or not. And I STILL haven't lost my wife. How the fuck can someone love me as much as she does? I don't deserve it.
I say nasty things to her, I'm extremely negative, I'm lazy, not supportive and probably a hundred other things.
We have discussed divorce but we are both very codependent. It's not healthy. We have a house and pets. If she leaves I can't afford the house and vice versa. She wants to keep the pets if we split which I understand. But she can't afford a place to rent that allows them. She has a place to stay with friends out of state but could only bring the dog and she wouldn't have a job or friends aside from one anymore.
I have done all of this to her. I'm a piece of shit and dying feels like the only way to escape. I told her I was feeling this way and she wants me to get help. I'm so done with therapy and trying to fix things. I get better for a couple weeks then I'm back to miserable old me again.
I want my old life back or nothing at all. Since I can't go back in time, I am ready for my exit. I will be leaving behind a wife that deserves far better than me, a dog and a cat that I love more than anything, and my mother. It hurts so much knowing the damage I might do to everybody, but I can't make the pain go away. I fuck everything up. I feel like this is the one thing I have control over to show my wife I do care for her even though I don't ever know how to show it - by setting her free.
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