new member just want someone to talk to

[dxstressed]

Hi everyone,

I'm 18 and I suffer from borderline personality disorder. Recently, I've been so paranoid that someone's coming to get me, and I just don't feel safe anywhere and I'm just constantly going between super happy and super sad. Just wondered if anyone here has BPD and would like to chat?

Feels like I can't talk to anyone in my life about it, I don't want to be a burden to them. I don't think I will be for much longer.

Xoxo
Dxstressed

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

If you put BPD in the search, you'll see there are lots of discussions, you're not alone. In fact, if you look at the feed, there are one or two recent threads started by @SimplyTopHat that are still active on the Suicide Discussion forum, and there is another BPD thread in the Offtopic forum that has gotten quiet but can easily be revived.

 

[Squiddy]

I also have BPD

 

[dxstressed]

If you put BPD in the search, you'll see there are lots of discussions, you're not alone. In fact, if you look at the feed, there are one or two recent threads started by @SimplyTopHat that are still active on the Suicide Discussion forum, and there is another BPD thread in the Offtopic forum that has gotten quiet but can easily be revived.

Thank you so much, I'll have a look now

I also have BPD

It's so so horrible. It's nice to know I'm not alone and there are people I can talk to. PM me :)

 

[Squiddy]

Thank you so much, I'll have a look now❤


It's so so horrible. It's nice to know I'm not alone and there are people I can talk to. PM me :)

I'd PM you, but I think you have to post a certain amount of posts before you get that feature

 

[PoisonedJuliet]

Welcome to the forum! Always here if you'd like to chat

 

[s1mplem3]

I don't have BPD but I don't mind to chat.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

So sorry you have BPD. I don't that I know of, I was never diagnosed anyway. If I do the constant depression took care of that. I don't really have any highs anymore.
Once an ex gf asked me if I was Bipolar.

 

[SimplyTopHat]

Hi, I'm SimplyTopHat, &I too have BPD. You're not alone &I'm always down to listen. :)

If you ever want to chat about it:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/does-anyone-else-feel-like-they-just-dont-get-it.33747/

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/anyone-else-have-bpd.34532/

Thanks for the mention @GoodPersonEffed

 

[CJ2002]

I have BPD too, I was almost hospitalized because of the attempts at ctb, but I managed to pretend I had given up and so I'm unattended ... getting ready for the right time; the feelings feel like a roller coaster, and I end up driving good people away, I don't deserve to live like that.

 

[itsamadworld]

I have BPD, PTSD. I was hospitalized in my 20's for OD-ing, and forced under a 72 hour hold like I was a criminal. BPD sucks! The roller coaster of intense emotions, it's physically painful at times! When I break down in uncontrollable sobs. I'm also sensitive, and have sensory issues to touch and sounds....I think it's actually aspburgers that I have...I inherited it from my father....Aspburgers in females often gets confused/mimics BPD... I always had to carefully study people and mimic their behavior s. I'm like a chameleon....I always wanted the song Karma Chameleon played at my funeral...... I have been suicidal since I was 6 years old..it's exhausting...I really wish you well with your struggles....

 

[SimplyTopHat]

I have BPD, PTSD. I was hospitalized in my 20's for OD-ing, and forced under a 72 hour hold like I was a criminal. BPD sucks! The roller coaster of intense emotions, it's physically painful at times! When I break down in uncontrollable sobs. I'm also sensitive, and have sensory issues to touch and sounds....I think it's actually aspburgers that I have...I inherited it from my father....Aspburgers in females often gets confused/mimics BPD... I always had to carefully study people and mimic their behavior s. I'm like a chameleon....I always wanted the song Karma Chameleon played at my funeral...... I have been suicidal since I was 6 years old..it's exhausting...I really wish you well with your struggles....

I wonder, has anyone wished you well in your struggles?

I'm officially out of my 20s now &I do believe we have a few similarities, down to the chameleon aspect &72 hr holds for ODing. I know how it felt on my end, so I'm sendin you some love &positive vibes too.

 

[itsamadworld]

I wonder, has anyone wished you well in your struggles?

I'm officially out of my 20s now &I do believe we have a few similarities, down to the chameleon aspect &72 hr holds for ODing. I know how it felt on my end, so I'm sendin you some love &positive vibes too. ♥

No, not really. Most people hear BPD and freak out, so I hid it for years. Suicide is my way of coping! It's the only thing that got me thru the army, the factories, my healthcare jobs, my current jobs...it was easy when I was deployed. I thought, maybe I'll get blown up by an IED on a convoy and it will all end; though I had a buddy next to me, and then I felt guilty...though I recently really messed up my right knee, and am out of work! And seriously fucking depressed, and my other way of coping is to physically exert myself.....uuuug.....then it's going to be a social nightmare when or if I return to work.....But some of us with BPD might be 'aspies'....but if it's a female, and with our expected social roles, we get burned at the stake, and given the dreaded BPD, becuz apparently the ladies can't be in the boys tent, I mean, have autism or aspburgers.......that's how I see it....if you're female, hide that shit..well,....thats how I coped, but the Chameleon act gets tired for me and it makes me wanna CTB.... and for me, I don't date co-workers...I was burned and I learned, relationships tend to be a sticking point for me and I tend to socially isolate..I kinda smokeherb and drink ...pardon me....I am rambling, because I'm new here, and never get to talk about this....

 

[SimplyTopHat]

No, not really. Most people hear BPD and freak out, so I hid it for years. Suicide is my way of coping! It's the only thing that got me thru the army, the factories, my healthcare jobs, my current jobs...it was easy when I was deployed, maybe I'll get blown up by an IED on a convoy and it will all end though I had a buddy next to me, and then I felt guilty...though I recently really messed up my right knee, and am out of work! And seriously fucking depressed, and my way of coping is to physically exert myself.....uuuug.....thats going to be a social nightmare when or if I return.....But some of us with BPD might be 'aspies'....but if it's a female, and with our expected social roles, we get burned at the stake and given the dreaded BPD....that's how I see it....if you're female, hide that shit..well,....thats how I coped, but the Chameleon act gets tired for me.... and for me, I don't date co-workers I was burned and I learned, relationships tend to be a sticking point for me...pardon me....I am rambling, because I'm new here, and never get to talk about this....

If you don't mind talking about it, how did suicide help you get through those things?

Sorry to hear about your knee, I was dealing with something similar a few years ago, it's really hard to function when you suddenly lose the things that have always helped you cope. Makes the days feel longer &things a lot less worthwhile.

I agree with you wholeheartedly. The chameleon act does get old- it stops feeling helpful & starts to feel disingenuous. Navigating the nuances of human interaction like that starts to feel more like an act &less of a desire to fit in.

Ramble away. We're here to talk if you wish.

 

[itsamadworld]

If you don't mind talking about it, how did suicide help you get through those things?

Sorry to hear about your knee, I was dealing with something similar a few years ago, it's really hard to function when you suddenly lose the things that have always helped you cope. Makes the days feel longer &things a lot less worthwhile.

I agree with you wholeheartedly. The chameleon act does get old- it stops feeling helpful & starts to feel disingenuous. Navigating the nuances of human interaction like that starts to feel more like an act &less of a desire to fit in.

Ramble away. We're here to talk if you wish.

I also am sorry to hear about your injury. I've never had an injury this bad, well, not to my mobility...I was always sick with fevers, ear infections as a child. My mother, she was a nurse, .. like a shapeshifter she presented good face to outside world, but inside...she was a rageaholic, physically abusive over worked and didn't have time for another child, and due to her religion, she couldn't abort me, nor divorce my dad or she'd go to hell....but they eventually did.....Plus, she was anti medicine, neglectful, and everything was just growing pains....well it toughened me.....Anyways, maybe my brain got cooked from all those infections, head injury's, or maybe I have the warrior gene with a defect, but something went wrong, and I just am tired of operating in this complex world with this hyper-sensitivity, and suicidal ideations! I feel like people judge me as badly as if I came out...I wish I ctb'd successfully back when I had teenage angst...but that darn survival instinct, and it didn't help I grew up with religion, and was told fearful things would await me in hell if I ctb with my rifle, a razor, my revolver, pills, I tried all. ........ anyhow's.I don't really believe in any religion/ideology anymore...The religions I grew up with, was just psychologically daunting and destructive for me...Now, I don't know what's true. Maybe everything is a lie....people lie, life is a gift- another lie, unless one would consider herpes a gift! ...like Santa, it's all bullshit...No one knows shit, but they act like they do...including myself, and this frustrates me. I guess thinking of suicide, it helps me cope when I feel so overwhelmed....

 

[It'llNeverEnd]

I'm bpd and bipolar and so it's hard to tell which is causing the mood swings sometimes. as far as I know the bpd mood swing triggers the bipolar ones.

whatever the cause my solution for any hard time is to try to die, or to at least force someone to give me a hard time so I had a reason to. now I take things slowly. I have a plan, but it's going to take some time till I'm ready for it.

 

[itsamadworld]

I'm bpd and bipolar and so it's hard to tell which is causing the mood swings sometimes. as far as I know the bpd mood swing triggers the bipolar ones.

whatever the cause my solution for any hard time is to try to die, or to at least force someone to give me a hard time so I had a reason to. now I take things slowly. I have a plan, but it's going to take some time till I'm ready for it.

I have a plan also, but I don't know if I can get passed the survival instinct? I hate to see suffering too, and I wish there was a magic pill or human nature could be fixed....Just to think; mother nature is always trying to get us or something or someone else, but it's slow...I work with hospice and palliative care patients for the past 8 years, and it's a slow ride down...that's a terrifying prospect for people with hightened sensitivities....

 

[It'llNeverEnd]

I have a plan also, but I don't know if I can get passed the survival instinct? I hate to see suffering too, and I wish there was a magic pill or human nature could be fixed....Just to think; mother nature is always trying to get us or something or someone else, but it's slow...I work with hospice and palliative care patients for the past 8 years, and it's a slow ride down...that's a terrifying prospect for people with hightened sensitivities....

that sounds like a traumatizing job in itself

 

[itsamadworld]

that sounds like a traumatizing job in itself

There's always occupational hazards...this planet doesn't wanna make it easy, i thinks....

 

[noaccount]

These things are not actually distinct conditions with any kind of biological "markers" that doctors are "locating" when they diagnose us - Rather, they're subjective descriptions of loosely-linked experiences that we can understand in ourselves much better than doctors can usually understand them - experiences that we came to and started having for all sorts of reasons, many different causes, which often get erased by the psychiatric establishment.

 

[All an illusion]

Welcome m8...feel free to reach out anytime...we all share the same ideology here.

 

[SimplyTopHat]

I also am sorry to hear about your injury. I've never had an injury this bad, well, not to my mobility...I was always sick with fevers, ear infections as a child. My mother, she was a nurse, .. like a shapeshifter she presented good face to outside world, but inside...she was a rageaholic, physically abusive over worked and didn't have time for another child, and due to her religion, she couldn't abort me, nor divorce my dad or she'd go to hell....but they eventually did.....Plus, she was anti medicine, neglectful, and everything was just growing pains....well it toughened me.....Anyways, maybe my brain got cooked from all those infections, head injury's, or maybe I have the warrior gene with a defect, but something went wrong, and I just am tired of operating in this complex world with this hyper-sensitivity, and suicidal ideations! I feel like people judge me as badly as if I came out...I wish I ctb'd successfully back when I had teenage angst...but that darn survival instinct, and it didn't help I grew up with religion, and was told fearful things would await me in hell if I ctb with my rifle, a razor, my revolver, pills, I tried all. ........ anyhow's.I don't really believe in any religion/ideology anymore...The religions I grew up with, was just psychologically daunting and destructive for me...Now, I don't know what's true. Maybe everything is a lie....people lie, life is a gift- another lie, unless one would consider herpes a gift! ...like Santa, it's all bullshit...No one knows shit, but they act like they do...including myself, and this frustrates me. I guess thinking of suicide, it helps me cope when I feel so overwhelmed....

Thanks, &yeah, adjusting to a life with reduced mobility is trying at best. It makes me feel lesser than I've ever felt- &I've never had high self-esteem. *sigh* I can only imagine how it's affecting you.

You know what, I think our mothers could have been friends. Smh. It's frustrating isn't it?

I hear what you're saying, BPD makes everything a test of mental fortitude- even simpler things that you enjoy. I thing, depending on how much you know about BPD, is that it's formulation stems from genes &your environment growing up. For example, you may have been a sensitive child requiring more attention/time but that alone doesn't create BPD. Genetic difference in the size of certain parts of your brain, the amount of neurotransmitters, or even how stressed your mother was while carrying (excess cortisone) can affect your developing BPD. &Your mother's bang up parenting moulded your development by creating an invalidating childhood that did offer you any information about how to regulate yourself or your emotions. So I hope you don't think this is your fate for something you did.

The religious aspect is definitely a mind fuck (mine used it similarly as), especially ingrained so young it becomes a contradicting moral compass.

Not to refute your statement, because I'm definitely not, I'm curious about how Suicide brings you both comfort &anguish. (You mentioned being tired of living with the ideation)

 

[itsamadworld]

Planning my Suicide and having the means brings me comfort, because if the suffering of living with Female Aspburgers/ BPD gets to where I cannot bear it any longer, then I am comforted knowing I have a way out from the suffering. People talk about life as if it's always glamorized, but life can be complete suffering too! Why don't people have a better attitude about death?...For example, if I was captured on a convoy by some fanatical muzzie in the middle east; I could be tortured, disfigured, paralyzed or gawds forbid get knocked- up...this shit would cross my mind...and I always thought, I would have killed myself- no questions, because death would have been more glamorous for me in that situation, than my life!..and I had several plans should that occur... Obviously it didn't, not to me..I wish they cared about the little grunts like me... If I was a big wig in the government, some were issued cyanide pills should they be captured!! But I didn't know shit, so who cares if I would get tortured! Lol.... My favorite part in a movie was Handmaid's Tale is where that girl blew herself.... nevermind...lol..okay... Anyways, so suicide can bring me comfort knowing I won't have to be tormented! It brings me anguish, because people hate that I feel this way, and I have to hide it! Plus, physician assisted suicide is not legal in my state, but even where it is legal in the USA, the criteria is quite strict....Anyways, my suicide tendencies seeps into every area of my life, including my childfree lifestyle...and people can be really harsh...because more people are under the mindset that all life is precious, even if it's complete suffering..and with this mindset, these people dominant the conversation and the laws , and they force their values on people like me...they even locked Jack Kavorkian up a physician who performed suicides on willing people. Whereas people who think like me and him are told to STFU, and suffer! Lol...it's so tiresome, actually....