catch22
Member
- Feb 19, 2025
- 5
hello!!
I'm new here and understand that I'm pretty young (18) but I guess I'd just like to put my thoughts down somewhere and share what I've been going through without any fear of worrying my loved ones.
for starters, I was raised in an abusive household (both physically and emotionally) so I've always been really estranged from my family and have never talked to them about anything to do with my personal life. I've struggled with depression, suicidal ideation, and anxiety since I was about ten, and I also have suspected autism and OCD on top of those things. I'd beg for things like therapy and medication growing up but it'd just be met with my dad threatening to put me in foster care and whatnot because those sorts of things are for "crazy people". That type of negligent mentality was also applied to my physical health ex. last year I didn't eat for almost a month because every time I tried to, I'd throw up. I was begging to go to the hospital and my parents told me I just wasn't eating right and was going to waste their money. It was only when my pediatrician basically berated them after getting a blood test done that I got emergency surgery to get my gall bladder removed and had insanely inflamed organs from the result of over fifty gall bladder attacks over the course of a year that were only getting worse and worse.
I've had a lot of friends who've been understanding of this and know that I don't really have a good support system outside of them, which is what makes me feel so awful about this next part. I dated this guy for about two years who was also a mutual friend of ours and got broken up with around my birthday. He was quite literally my first everything and I put a lot of trust in him despite some sexual trauma and massive body insecurities that I had. I didn't understand why he was breaking up with me and begged him for over a month to basically tell me what was going on and to come talk to me about it at the very least (and I know now that I shouldn't have done that). It really sucked but I was stuck obsessing over everything I possibly could've done wrong and lost a good fourth of my weight over the course of that month as the stress reignited a lot of my health issues and couldn't even eat without feeling nauseous. I've come to understand in therapy that our relationship had unhealthy aspects on both ends even if he never acknowledged his own part in it and that as much as I was clingy, he had some responsibility in at least communicating that to me and having a talk with me about it. When he'd finally agreed to meet up, he sort of just came to me with this list of things that he didn't like about me and it didn't feel like a conversation. There's a lot of details that I don't think I'll be able to fit into this one post but would be more than happy to share, but in the end I told him I was proud of him that he could tell me those things. I confided in one of our mutual friends about some of the stuff my ex told me (I got his permission to talk about it), and it got back to my ex and he claimed that I was spreading lies about what he said and cut complete contact with me and said if I tried to get in touch with him, he'd call the police. I don't want to drag any of my friends further into that stuff and I genuinely feel that I'm not a healthy person for any of them to be around anymore.
I've been in therapy almost since my birthday now that I'm an adult and my parents aren't really able to dig into my medical and patient portal and stop me, and I was able to get some antidepressants and hydroxyzine to combat the panic attacks I've been having for months. I've been making a lot of efforts to try and help myself out even just the slightest bit. I've made a bunch of new friends and go out a lot, try to do new things or things that I enjoy, etc. but I just feel like a shell of myself. I'm constantly ruminating and still having panic attacks that I wake up to in the middle of the night, and I've gotten to that point in therapy where I'm saying all the right things and have a good understanding of everything that's happened but feel physically stuck.
I've been told to keep going and keep trying and understand that I have a lot to look forward to in life especially just beginning college and whatnot, but I'm really tired of the physical pain I've been in and can't say I've had a proper night of sleep since my birthday where I haven't woken up in a panic or tears. It's all I can think about and I've really gotten little to no relief from anything I've done. There's just been so many days where I don't even have the strength to stand upright or even get up to go to the bathroom. I've already had a poor, uneducated attempt with paracetamol and tried to strangle myself (to no avail, obviously). I've checked myself into the hospital before as well and it wasn't really at all helpful. I feel like I've done as much as I can with the resources that I have available to me.
I've been trying to look into the partial hanging and night-night methods on here so that when I do end up ordering supplies, I'm able to execute things with as little pain as possible. I'd just like it to be quick. I know that my friends are concerned for me but I don't want them to feel any guilt of when I end up doing things, so I was thinking of sending out a scheduled email instead of a text so that there isn't any risk of me being saved during my attempt.
I'm new here and understand that I'm pretty young (18) but I guess I'd just like to put my thoughts down somewhere and share what I've been going through without any fear of worrying my loved ones.
for starters, I was raised in an abusive household (both physically and emotionally) so I've always been really estranged from my family and have never talked to them about anything to do with my personal life. I've struggled with depression, suicidal ideation, and anxiety since I was about ten, and I also have suspected autism and OCD on top of those things. I'd beg for things like therapy and medication growing up but it'd just be met with my dad threatening to put me in foster care and whatnot because those sorts of things are for "crazy people". That type of negligent mentality was also applied to my physical health ex. last year I didn't eat for almost a month because every time I tried to, I'd throw up. I was begging to go to the hospital and my parents told me I just wasn't eating right and was going to waste their money. It was only when my pediatrician basically berated them after getting a blood test done that I got emergency surgery to get my gall bladder removed and had insanely inflamed organs from the result of over fifty gall bladder attacks over the course of a year that were only getting worse and worse.
I've had a lot of friends who've been understanding of this and know that I don't really have a good support system outside of them, which is what makes me feel so awful about this next part. I dated this guy for about two years who was also a mutual friend of ours and got broken up with around my birthday. He was quite literally my first everything and I put a lot of trust in him despite some sexual trauma and massive body insecurities that I had. I didn't understand why he was breaking up with me and begged him for over a month to basically tell me what was going on and to come talk to me about it at the very least (and I know now that I shouldn't have done that). It really sucked but I was stuck obsessing over everything I possibly could've done wrong and lost a good fourth of my weight over the course of that month as the stress reignited a lot of my health issues and couldn't even eat without feeling nauseous. I've come to understand in therapy that our relationship had unhealthy aspects on both ends even if he never acknowledged his own part in it and that as much as I was clingy, he had some responsibility in at least communicating that to me and having a talk with me about it. When he'd finally agreed to meet up, he sort of just came to me with this list of things that he didn't like about me and it didn't feel like a conversation. There's a lot of details that I don't think I'll be able to fit into this one post but would be more than happy to share, but in the end I told him I was proud of him that he could tell me those things. I confided in one of our mutual friends about some of the stuff my ex told me (I got his permission to talk about it), and it got back to my ex and he claimed that I was spreading lies about what he said and cut complete contact with me and said if I tried to get in touch with him, he'd call the police. I don't want to drag any of my friends further into that stuff and I genuinely feel that I'm not a healthy person for any of them to be around anymore.
I've been in therapy almost since my birthday now that I'm an adult and my parents aren't really able to dig into my medical and patient portal and stop me, and I was able to get some antidepressants and hydroxyzine to combat the panic attacks I've been having for months. I've been making a lot of efforts to try and help myself out even just the slightest bit. I've made a bunch of new friends and go out a lot, try to do new things or things that I enjoy, etc. but I just feel like a shell of myself. I'm constantly ruminating and still having panic attacks that I wake up to in the middle of the night, and I've gotten to that point in therapy where I'm saying all the right things and have a good understanding of everything that's happened but feel physically stuck.
I've been told to keep going and keep trying and understand that I have a lot to look forward to in life especially just beginning college and whatnot, but I'm really tired of the physical pain I've been in and can't say I've had a proper night of sleep since my birthday where I haven't woken up in a panic or tears. It's all I can think about and I've really gotten little to no relief from anything I've done. There's just been so many days where I don't even have the strength to stand upright or even get up to go to the bathroom. I've already had a poor, uneducated attempt with paracetamol and tried to strangle myself (to no avail, obviously). I've checked myself into the hospital before as well and it wasn't really at all helpful. I feel like I've done as much as I can with the resources that I have available to me.
I've been trying to look into the partial hanging and night-night methods on here so that when I do end up ordering supplies, I'm able to execute things with as little pain as possible. I'd just like it to be quick. I know that my friends are concerned for me but I don't want them to feel any guilt of when I end up doing things, so I was thinking of sending out a scheduled email instead of a text so that there isn't any risk of me being saved during my attempt.
