Hi, I'm new here. I've been lurking on this sight as a casual observer for the last week and keep coming back. I have dealt with ideation since I was a kid. I have OCD, chronic anxiety, and depression. I'm 30 now. I've been through all sorts of heart break; bullying, emotional abuse and manipulation from my mother, a failed artistic career, and most recently, my partner of 3 years up and left me without warning. It's been 2 months and I recently found her on a dating app. This broke me. I've been an artist ever since I was 10 and started making my way as a musician for many years. I perform regularly for a full time job around the town I live in and have developed a following. But i'm mostly background music. I get heckled on a regular basis. My voice is clear and powerful but has become worn out from singing so often at these gigs where I seem to matter so little. I was never able to make the jump to the next level of success. I worked with different producers and writers and even one famous musician who's name I won't mention. I got chewed up and spit out. I got beaten down and hazed so bad that I lost the love for my craft. The only thing that keeps me going now is playing guitar and drinking too much. My heart is so tired of being broken that no more than ever the idea of CTB has become more of a plan for me.
Within a week after my break up, I bought a rope at home depot and sat in the car with my dog in the front seat tying it around my neck to see how it would feel. I hated the pressure it applied to my head and felt like it would be pure agony to die this way. I then stopped at a pawn shop to look at guns. I called the hotline soon after to find some comfort but found very little- though I respect and admire what they do for people. I told my roommates about my experience at home depot and they were on red alert. Thankfully the authorities weren't called and I was watched over. But I find myself time and time again wanting out. I feel like a tortured soul who just never had the chance to be happy. I want to be. But it feels like everything has prevented it from happening. And i'm tired of it.
I don't know why, but I wanted to share this. The one thing right now that brings me comfort is knowing there are people like me like you reading this. At the moment, I still find myself researching N and SN as options. I have much to learn but am grateful for the resources available on here. I look forward to being an active member and getting to know some of you.
I'm currently recording an album that may very well be the last one I ever write and record.
Within a week after my break up, I bought a rope at home depot and sat in the car with my dog in the front seat tying it around my neck to see how it would feel. I hated the pressure it applied to my head and felt like it would be pure agony to die this way. I then stopped at a pawn shop to look at guns. I called the hotline soon after to find some comfort but found very little- though I respect and admire what they do for people. I told my roommates about my experience at home depot and they were on red alert. Thankfully the authorities weren't called and I was watched over. But I find myself time and time again wanting out. I feel like a tortured soul who just never had the chance to be happy. I want to be. But it feels like everything has prevented it from happening. And i'm tired of it.
I don't know why, but I wanted to share this. The one thing right now that brings me comfort is knowing there are people like me like you reading this. At the moment, I still find myself researching N and SN as options. I have much to learn but am grateful for the resources available on here. I look forward to being an active member and getting to know some of you.
I'm currently recording an album that may very well be the last one I ever write and record.
