New here. Want to CTB but really scared.

[spotlessmind]

Hi! I've been a guest here for awhile now and decided to make an account a few weeks ago!

I am 22. I'm struggling with Borderline and Bipolar. I am constantly feeling so empty, helpless, lashing out to myself and when I was 19-20, I got beaten and molested by my ex-boyfriend who was into pedo shit. Man, I feel like this world is so damn pointless like....WHAAAATT? lol it's just so crazy. I've been wanting to CTB, SN is really, really easy to get here but I am really scared. Like SI would definitely kick in. A part of me want to get better though but when I think of it deeply, it's a waste of time because you are probably gonna go through so much shit.

 

[Jean4]

Welcome to the forum! I can relate to a lot of what you are saying.

You said a part of you wants to get better. Have you tried? What have you tried.

I am not telling you what to do. However, I am a huge proponent of comfort. If getting help may make you feel better, it can't hurt to try.

 

[justfloating]

Hi! I've been a guest here for awhile now and decided to make an account a few weeks ago!

I am 22. I'm struggling with Borderline and Bipolar. I am constantly feeling so empty, helpless, lashing out to myself and when I was 19-20, I got beaten and molested by my ex-boyfriend who was into pedo shit. Man, I feel like this world is so damn pointless like....WHAAAATT? lol it's just so crazy. I've been wanting to CTB, SN is really, really easy to get here but I am really scared. Like SI would definitely kick in. A part of me want to get better though but when I think of it deeply, it's a waste of time because you are probably gonna go through so much shit.

yeah I get you, just make sure youre absolutely certain CTB is the right decision for you before you do anything. survival instinct is so annoying and im scared im not gonna be able to do it either when the time comes

 

[astro]

First of all I'm sorry that such bad things happened to you. I have to say I feel exactly the same way. I really want my suffering to be over but I know that I wouldn't get past my SI so I'm stuck in this life looking for ways to increase my desire to ctb. The sad part is the only reason I'm in this situation is because treatment didn't do anything at all for me.

 

[Carina]

I have to say that whenever a person is worried about things kicking in, and then thinking of getting better, I believe that trying to get better, even if just one last time, is normally a good choice. Actually if you even just think of getting better still, that's a good option as the other always applies. Not telling you to do it, what you do is totally up to you.

You've had a lot in your life already (sorry for all of that), and I know you said you find it useless even though even you wonder. Welcome here though, and maybe just after reading things you may find what option works for you, in whatever you choose to do.

 

[enjoy]

hey! welcome to the forum. sorry to hear your circumstances led you here.

if you're scared, you aren't ready. that's a given. there's no rush, anyway. i, too struggle with bpd and i just recently started getting help. what do you mean by one going through "so much shit" to get better? what obstacles do you think you're going to hit if you were to attempt recovery?

 

[spotlessmind]

Welcome to the forum! I can relate to a lot of what you are saying.

You said a part of you wants to get better. Have you tried? What have you tried.

I am not telling you what to do. However, I am a huge proponent of comfort. If getting help may make you feel better, it can't hurt to try.

I'm on my 4th medication which screws my memory, I get tired very fast...well basically the negatives outweigh the positives but I'm planning to taper off it soon. I was in therapy for a year, I felt like I didn't go anywhere, til today though. ): I've been thinking about CTB every single day.

I have to say that whenever a person is worried about things kicking in, and then thinking of getting better, I believe that trying to get better, even if just one last time, is normally a good choice. Actually if you even just think of getting better still, that's a good option as the other always applies. Not telling you to do it, what you do is totally up to you.

You've had a lot in your life already (sorry for all of that), and I know you said you find it useless even though even you wonder. Welcome here though, and maybe just after reading things you may find what option works for you, in whatever you choose to do.

Thank you so much (:

hey! welcome to the forum. sorry to hear your circumstances led you here.

if you're scared, you aren't ready. that's a given. there's no rush, anyway. i, too struggle with bpd and i just recently started getting help. what do you mean by one going through "so much shit" to get better? what obstacles do you think you're going to hit if you were to attempt recovery?

Hello, BPD buddy! (:

I was in therapy for a year and felt like I wasn't going anywhere, even now I feel like I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to suffer a lot in the future - you know, working, socializing, dating and all that jazz, I already don't do well with those so...yeah

 

[Dear Flabby]

Welcome!
Thank you for sharing such a personal experience. I admire your courage.
You've been through so very much. I am so sad that you have endured all this.
I'm not telling you what to do, or trying to label you, but perhaps a "trauma informed" therapist might be a good fit?
As exhausting as it is, some of us have to try many different things/meds/therapists in order to claw our way into recovery.
Stick around and talk to relatable people here. Visit the recovery forum, and use the search function to get information on different approaches.
Sending peace and kindness,
Flabs

 

[ctbUniquectb]

Try out your 20s. Things tend to get better, but not always. I'm not negating your experiences or anything, but the mind settles into itself and all that good stuff over the next couple years of your life.

I've said it before, I'll say it again: if I could manage my 20s, then almost anyone can.

 

[Sensei]

Welcome to the forum! :)

I was in therapy for a year and felt like I wasn't going anywhere, even now I feel like I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to suffer a lot in the future - you know, working, socializing, dating and all that jazz, I already don't do well with those so...yeah

I think that you might be overly pessimistic about your future. You say that you already don't do well with those things, but would you say that if you started learning a foreign language? Life is a learning process and it takes time to master it. (I'm still trying. :P)

 

[spotlessmind]

Try out your 20s. Things tend to get better, but not always. I'm not negating your experiences or anything, but the mind settles into itself and all that good stuff over the next couple years of your life.

I've said it before, I'll say it again: if I could manage my 20s, then almost anyone can.

We'll see! :)

Welcome to the forum! :)



I think that you might be overly pessimistic about your future. You say that you already don't do well with those things, but would you say that if you started learning a foreign language? Life is a learning process and it takes time to master it. (I'm still trying. :P)

I job-hopped a lot in the past though (this is due to bpd and bipolar), so I have a hard time making money. I am lonely and I am an awkward person, so people don't really like that, therefore a lot of people in my life abandoned me. Speaking of foreign language, I would love to learn at least one or two but then again, when I start something I always stop it half way. :\ my interest stops very fast though but I'm willing to try!

Welcome!
Thank you for sharing such a personal experience. I admire your courage.
You've been through so very much. I am so sad that you have endured all this.
I'm not telling you what to do, or trying to label you, but perhaps a "trauma informed" therapist might be a good fit?
As exhausting as it is, some of us have to try many different things/meds/therapists in order to claw our way into recovery.
Stick around and talk to relatable people here. Visit the recovery forum, and use the search function to get information on different approaches.
Sending peace and kindness,
Flabs

Will check it out! Thank you :)