Disclaimer this is really long sorry*****__
Hi guys. I never l knew there was a community of people i could freely talk to about how i felt amd about what i long so badly to do. I posted in whisper which is an anonymous app you random things on the form of memes. Some pmd and mentioned this site. I tried that night but the site wasnt working. Anyhow, im here now.
Some background on myself... Im a single mom barely making it. I feel like people always ask me for help ignoring the fact that i myself need help. Being the person i am i cannot say no. I feel like i have struggle after struggle.
I have suffered from depression for sp.many years as in since i was about 15 years old. Im so tiny in this world that no one ever noticed. I grew up in a situation where i had the least amount of issues to the outside world and therefore i needed no attention, no kidding thats what my mother has told me as an adult. So i was basically the normally one amd she thought i was strong enough to take care of myself she said. My oldest sister was the wild child she was running the streets and getting knocked up at 14 and again at 17 dating drug dealers and such that my mom had to always worry about her. My second sister she is the middle child. She has mental disabilities and is heavly medicated and also can be violent a lot. Many days my mom is in hand to hand combat with her even now (she still lives with my mom and my mom has no intention on putting her in a home even if it means she herself may see an early grave). As a child i remember always being in survival mode because my sister would attack me for anything at any moment. Then of course i would get in trouble because i must have provoked her.
I came ine from playing once and she was waiting amd went after me trying to stab me. I was running around jumping on the sofas and throwing pillows at her. My mom came out amd was able to grab my sister amd hold her back and yelled at me to just leave.
I felt so unloved as a kid. But it wasnt until my oldest sisters husband felt that i wanted to have sex with him as bad as he wanted it with me that i feel my depression got worse. See first i was depressed but i didnt know it. I just knew i was sad amd felt unloved. I used poetry to help. And it did. But i was 15 when my sisters husband who i thought was a fun and cool brother in law decided he could teach me things i needed to know. I used to spend the night at their house a lot to babysit her kids. She had three at this time and i was 15 and she was 21.
He was supposed to take me home it was just turning 8:00 i think. It was a school night it was sunday. We left and here is why i have always felt guilty. He stopped at the gas station right across the street from my apartment. So i could have gotten out and ran and i didnt and i dont know why. He told mehow he knew i was attracted to him and i was not a virgin (i was) he told me he could teach me things that would.make the guys happy. He started caressing me and undid my bra as he rubbed my breast and between my legs...... Anyway i wil spare the details .... I did tell him no none of that was true. I didnt like him and only saw him as a brother. I said to him how can he love my sister and do this to me????? I lived about 10 mins tops by car from my sister's house back then so when hours passed and i didnt show up at home everyone was out looking for us called hospitals and all.
I remember the gas station was now closed and it was just a dark parking lot until headlights were shining in the window. The windows were all foggy and i fixed my clothes just as my mom came banging on the window "let my daughter out this car" and she yanked me out by my arm. And we both said we were just talking. But now it was after midnight. I was in the back seat as we drove back to my sisters house where my mom said i needed to explain to my sister why i was in a dark parking lot with foggy windows with her husband. There was no are you ok? What did he do to you? None of that just automatic blame. So i knew if i said what happened it would fall on me as my fault. So when i got in her house i said nothing happened. He was jist talking to me about my boyfriend who at the time i was not supposed to be dating because my mom didnt like him so it was an easy out. I said he just wanted to try to get me to stop talking ti the boy because he was bad news and thats all the whole he was trying to convince me of this. Well that boyfriend was my sisters neighbor and he was worried to when he heard inwas missing so there he was sitting right there in front of me worried. My sister cursed me out called me a whore told me i was never welcome there again and no longer her sister. My mom cursed me out told me to take my ass to the car and grounded me. Then she cursed my boyfriend out for being my boyfriend when he had no potential in life basically. Worst night ever.
My sister forgave me maybe a month later. And i began babysitting again and spending the night. I slept in the room with her kids. But at night i could feel his presence. Her husband would come in the room and sit in the dark corner and watch me. I could see his glasses shine from the moonlight in the window. He would adjust my clothes and fondle my panties. All with the kids right next to me. One night me my sister and him got drunk i was maybe 16 now it was new years. My sister is a light weight she passed out after half a glass and we carried her upstairs put her in the shower and then in bed. We went back down stairs. I drank more. At this time i had already been drinking like every other night going to parties and just doing me i mean nobody gave a crap about me anyway and i just wanted to die... I passed out and woke up to him on top of me kissing me. I had asthma then and so i started having a panic attack and thought it was an asthma attack and got scared. He got my sister out of bed and the kids and they rushed me to the hospital. Well good that they did cuz i had alcohol poisoning anyway. Funny how things work. Of course.i got in trouble the next day.
Anyways i went further down the rabbit whole after that. If i went home i had to deal with my sister trying to kill me or beating me up and me getting in trouble. If i went to my sisters i had to deal with her husband. So got a job at burger king as a store closer and worked way more hours than was legal for a high school student. When i got off work i went hung with college students or an older man got drunker than i can remember and snuck back home 1 hour or 30 mins before school. Of course my grades started to fall. My mom didnt even know she still thought i was an AB student. I was in the aviation academy and started to flunk out. She didnt even realize i was never home anymore. I started having flash backs of memories from when i was younger of a cousin. He used to come over a lot. My memories included him making me do sexual things to him. Not long after my handicapped sister said he molested her after he came to visit. People thought she was lying. I said i believed her. But never said why. I thought if i told anyone my experience and memories they would just think i was lying so i said nothing but i knew she was telling the truth. Its like sexual abuse followed me from there but it was mostly me making bad drunken decisons and putting myself in the positions. That or me being niave and thinking people were good. I found out later that one of my moms boy friends whom i remember clearly also molested me. Everyone knew and no one said anything. I do not recall him doing it. I know he and i were very close. When my mom dated him i was the ages of 3 and 6. We were thick as thieves I was his favorite and always thought my sisters didnt like him because they were jealous. But tgats not the case. He had two sides he was also very abusive. My mom loved him so much that she did what he did. She has apologized to me as an adult but it doesnt change anything. The abuse we went through is no doubt why my oldest sister turn to the streets and men to love her at such a young age. She started running away at 11 years old. Her and my moms boyfriend would fight and would literally punch her. My mom would be on his side like we were wrong. We would get beat with any thing and everything. Switches, irons , hangers, shoes, extension cords everything. Double whammies were the worse. Thats what we called them. Thats when my mom and her boyfriend both would beat us at the the same time. And man you dont want to catch fresh out of the bath tub that was horrible.
You know how they say abuse can be passes down. Well i believe it my biological dad watched his mothers abuse by his father. When he married my mom he abused her. Made her give birth to a still.born at 7 months pregnant after he kicked her in the stomach. Would lock her in the bedroom for days with a lock he placed on the outside of the door. Of course these are stories i heard from my sisters, mom, and grandma. But abuse is picked up because when my sister would watch us she would beat the living crap out of us. Leave it to her to tell you she was just doing what she thought was right because our mom did it so why not?
Anyway the physical abuse goes to far amd the sexual abuse is here and there. Its so much to put into words i could write a book. Dont even get me started on my dad he left before i was born and i saw him only once. Hed call ever couple years. Except for my oldest sister they talked constantly. When i was like 18 he called me a bitch and said he wanted nothing tondo with me all because i didnt believe his religious spews (hes the messiah etc) he is fing crazy. But my sister she did. Then he apologized a year later. But i still dont hear from him. I reached out to him on fb but he immediately blocked me. my dad is a whole other subject. I could write another book on him.
Anyway this is getting way to long so i will jump ahead to me being 17 amd enlisting in the army. At this time suicide had been a thought many times. But im a chicken and scared so it has been hard to figure out how. The plan was. Go in the army get deployed kill myself and its over. But god had different plans and long story short because this is a whole other book on how ut happened.... I almost had an abortion but didnt and when i realized there was life in me when he started kicking and moving i knew it wasnt my time. He saved my life. My oldest i have told him the story of why i joined the army and he knows he is my angel who saved me. He feels so special because of that amd he is. He literally saved me.
Anyway in between there has been more suicidal attempts and thoughts and times where people thought i was trying and i wasnt. Times where the system has failed me greatly and times where my mother's apologies although sincere has made things worse instead of better. Things are put into perspective differently when your mother says i knew you were being abused (sexually) but i just wasnt sure and you never. Ame to me. Or when she says its not that i ignored you its just that you were strong and you were the one who didnt need me. Your sisters needed me and you didnt.... Its kinda bullshit to me because as far as i know every child needs love and attention. I raised myself basically from the age of 9 up and let me tell you i did a shitty job. I was depressed the whole time. With nothing but my poetry to keep me going because no one ever knew. I have put myself in dangerous situations as a teen hoping i would not make it out. Only to make it out but left a little more broken and a little less me. I feel like if there is a god he lets bad things happen to me alot but is never willing to finish me off. Like when i had my accident i came to just in time to reactively jerk the wheel. The cop said it was a miracle. I hit a pole, a transformer pole, and a tree, then ended up in the ditch. I wish sometimes i had not come to because i would be dead now for sure. Its just when i woke up my instincts was grab the wheel and avoid death. I remember thinking God dont let me die. It all happened so quick and i walked away without a scratch and i wonder to myself why because i wish i hadnt.
So anyway here i am now having dealt with a lot more stuff i didnt mention. Just because we would be here all day and this is ready to much. Its just so hard to put it into one little excerpt when i have volumes. I have always had thoughts of death, how, when, what kind of note to leave behind if at all. I have started said note on a few occasions. Right now whats holding me back are my kids. Will they be split up? Will my crappy ex husband get them. Will they live a better life or worse? I wonder now should i get life insurance first? After research i have found that most polices have a suicide clause. If you die by suicide in before 13 (and some cases up to 2 years) they will not pay out. Its their way of making sure you are not buying it for that purpose. Then i have thought maybe i should have a will although i have no assets but it could at least detail what i want done to my body and what i want to happen to my children.
Sometimes im sad for no reason. Sometimes i have a reason and then i think of all of the things i have been through and it multiplies my sadness. Its like having a monkey on your shoulder and you cant get it off no matter how hard you shake it off. I get exhausted. People expect me to be the strong one even still. Im the one who has to help everyone else then help myself last. Im the one who has to be strong for the family and then do it all with a smile and my face and a positive attitude. Im the smart one so i have to help everyone with figuring out this that and the other. Everytime i leave this state i end up back and each time i wonder why i came back. I come back because i think it will help to be around family but always am reminded that my family hurts more than they help. Im exhausted making everyone see the person who is cheery and helpful and nice to everyone but inside i want to scream leave me the f alone and get away from me. Im torn. I want to make others feel good but i also want to curl up in a little ball and fade away and never see the outside world again.
I have thought how i should go. I have thought of who the last person i want to talk to is. I have thought of every detail to the point i have daydreamed of it happening watching it in real time like a movie or like an out of body experience. I have seen the outcomes for each of the scenarios. One of my favorites that keeps coming back to me his the bridge. I cant swim. Although im afraid of it being painful drowning i think the moment leading up to it would be peaceful. The fall it would be like letting all of my worries,pain,guilt and anything else fall right off of me. Ive thought i could just have my letters written and leave them on the passenger seat. Stop my car. Maybe i make a phone call maybe i dont. I have seen it both ways. But then i just let go. I fall and when i hit the water its like a relief but its scary. My heart would be racing and i dont know whether to panic or just let go. But eventually i let go. I have thought about what if i float though? So i thought maybe a weight vest and some weights attached would help.
Anyway im ok with sharing this because i have decides althoug not whole heartedly that this is not the way i will ctb. I have been lurking in the forums and noticed that alot of people are set on SN and i have to say i am interested in looking into it.
I am happy to be apart of this group where i am not judged for feeling i dont belong on this earth. It is nice to be able to speak openly with out fear of being institutionalized. I dont feel like i am sick although im sure others would disagree. I feel like some people may br on earth to endure and withstand pain and sadness that others can not. Bu doing so it keeps the world going. Its like when you say its a dirty job but somebody has to do it. Well what if its the same thing? No one want terminal illnesses, no one wants disfigurement, pain, depression, etc. But what if people are meant to have it in order to keep a balance in the world somebody has to deal with it. But at the same time some just reach their breaking point. The pot spills over and they have taken all they can handle. Thats us. We have handled what we can and we are saying its enough. I feel guilty for feeling this way sometimes because there are people who are going through way worse than me.
On one hand i want to live on the other i cant deal with always feeling sadness some explainable and some not. On that hand i dont want life. I want know the peace of being nothing being my soul is no longer of this earth. Like dont you imagine what the peacefulness must feel like? It must be tranquil to just no longer exist.
Sorry this is so long guys i tried to make it short. But thank you to anyone who has manage to read it all.
Hi guys. I never l knew there was a community of people i could freely talk to about how i felt amd about what i long so badly to do. I posted in whisper which is an anonymous app you random things on the form of memes. Some pmd and mentioned this site. I tried that night but the site wasnt working. Anyhow, im here now.
Some background on myself... Im a single mom barely making it. I feel like people always ask me for help ignoring the fact that i myself need help. Being the person i am i cannot say no. I feel like i have struggle after struggle.
I have suffered from depression for sp.many years as in since i was about 15 years old. Im so tiny in this world that no one ever noticed. I grew up in a situation where i had the least amount of issues to the outside world and therefore i needed no attention, no kidding thats what my mother has told me as an adult. So i was basically the normally one amd she thought i was strong enough to take care of myself she said. My oldest sister was the wild child she was running the streets and getting knocked up at 14 and again at 17 dating drug dealers and such that my mom had to always worry about her. My second sister she is the middle child. She has mental disabilities and is heavly medicated and also can be violent a lot. Many days my mom is in hand to hand combat with her even now (she still lives with my mom and my mom has no intention on putting her in a home even if it means she herself may see an early grave). As a child i remember always being in survival mode because my sister would attack me for anything at any moment. Then of course i would get in trouble because i must have provoked her.
I came ine from playing once and she was waiting amd went after me trying to stab me. I was running around jumping on the sofas and throwing pillows at her. My mom came out amd was able to grab my sister amd hold her back and yelled at me to just leave.
I felt so unloved as a kid. But it wasnt until my oldest sisters husband felt that i wanted to have sex with him as bad as he wanted it with me that i feel my depression got worse. See first i was depressed but i didnt know it. I just knew i was sad amd felt unloved. I used poetry to help. And it did. But i was 15 when my sisters husband who i thought was a fun and cool brother in law decided he could teach me things i needed to know. I used to spend the night at their house a lot to babysit her kids. She had three at this time and i was 15 and she was 21.
He was supposed to take me home it was just turning 8:00 i think. It was a school night it was sunday. We left and here is why i have always felt guilty. He stopped at the gas station right across the street from my apartment. So i could have gotten out and ran and i didnt and i dont know why. He told mehow he knew i was attracted to him and i was not a virgin (i was) he told me he could teach me things that would.make the guys happy. He started caressing me and undid my bra as he rubbed my breast and between my legs...... Anyway i wil spare the details .... I did tell him no none of that was true. I didnt like him and only saw him as a brother. I said to him how can he love my sister and do this to me????? I lived about 10 mins tops by car from my sister's house back then so when hours passed and i didnt show up at home everyone was out looking for us called hospitals and all.
I remember the gas station was now closed and it was just a dark parking lot until headlights were shining in the window. The windows were all foggy and i fixed my clothes just as my mom came banging on the window "let my daughter out this car" and she yanked me out by my arm. And we both said we were just talking. But now it was after midnight. I was in the back seat as we drove back to my sisters house where my mom said i needed to explain to my sister why i was in a dark parking lot with foggy windows with her husband. There was no are you ok? What did he do to you? None of that just automatic blame. So i knew if i said what happened it would fall on me as my fault. So when i got in her house i said nothing happened. He was jist talking to me about my boyfriend who at the time i was not supposed to be dating because my mom didnt like him so it was an easy out. I said he just wanted to try to get me to stop talking ti the boy because he was bad news and thats all the whole he was trying to convince me of this. Well that boyfriend was my sisters neighbor and he was worried to when he heard inwas missing so there he was sitting right there in front of me worried. My sister cursed me out called me a whore told me i was never welcome there again and no longer her sister. My mom cursed me out told me to take my ass to the car and grounded me. Then she cursed my boyfriend out for being my boyfriend when he had no potential in life basically. Worst night ever.
My sister forgave me maybe a month later. And i began babysitting again and spending the night. I slept in the room with her kids. But at night i could feel his presence. Her husband would come in the room and sit in the dark corner and watch me. I could see his glasses shine from the moonlight in the window. He would adjust my clothes and fondle my panties. All with the kids right next to me. One night me my sister and him got drunk i was maybe 16 now it was new years. My sister is a light weight she passed out after half a glass and we carried her upstairs put her in the shower and then in bed. We went back down stairs. I drank more. At this time i had already been drinking like every other night going to parties and just doing me i mean nobody gave a crap about me anyway and i just wanted to die... I passed out and woke up to him on top of me kissing me. I had asthma then and so i started having a panic attack and thought it was an asthma attack and got scared. He got my sister out of bed and the kids and they rushed me to the hospital. Well good that they did cuz i had alcohol poisoning anyway. Funny how things work. Of course.i got in trouble the next day.
Anyways i went further down the rabbit whole after that. If i went home i had to deal with my sister trying to kill me or beating me up and me getting in trouble. If i went to my sisters i had to deal with her husband. So got a job at burger king as a store closer and worked way more hours than was legal for a high school student. When i got off work i went hung with college students or an older man got drunker than i can remember and snuck back home 1 hour or 30 mins before school. Of course my grades started to fall. My mom didnt even know she still thought i was an AB student. I was in the aviation academy and started to flunk out. She didnt even realize i was never home anymore. I started having flash backs of memories from when i was younger of a cousin. He used to come over a lot. My memories included him making me do sexual things to him. Not long after my handicapped sister said he molested her after he came to visit. People thought she was lying. I said i believed her. But never said why. I thought if i told anyone my experience and memories they would just think i was lying so i said nothing but i knew she was telling the truth. Its like sexual abuse followed me from there but it was mostly me making bad drunken decisons and putting myself in the positions. That or me being niave and thinking people were good. I found out later that one of my moms boy friends whom i remember clearly also molested me. Everyone knew and no one said anything. I do not recall him doing it. I know he and i were very close. When my mom dated him i was the ages of 3 and 6. We were thick as thieves I was his favorite and always thought my sisters didnt like him because they were jealous. But tgats not the case. He had two sides he was also very abusive. My mom loved him so much that she did what he did. She has apologized to me as an adult but it doesnt change anything. The abuse we went through is no doubt why my oldest sister turn to the streets and men to love her at such a young age. She started running away at 11 years old. Her and my moms boyfriend would fight and would literally punch her. My mom would be on his side like we were wrong. We would get beat with any thing and everything. Switches, irons , hangers, shoes, extension cords everything. Double whammies were the worse. Thats what we called them. Thats when my mom and her boyfriend both would beat us at the the same time. And man you dont want to catch fresh out of the bath tub that was horrible.
You know how they say abuse can be passes down. Well i believe it my biological dad watched his mothers abuse by his father. When he married my mom he abused her. Made her give birth to a still.born at 7 months pregnant after he kicked her in the stomach. Would lock her in the bedroom for days with a lock he placed on the outside of the door. Of course these are stories i heard from my sisters, mom, and grandma. But abuse is picked up because when my sister would watch us she would beat the living crap out of us. Leave it to her to tell you she was just doing what she thought was right because our mom did it so why not?
Anyway the physical abuse goes to far amd the sexual abuse is here and there. Its so much to put into words i could write a book. Dont even get me started on my dad he left before i was born and i saw him only once. Hed call ever couple years. Except for my oldest sister they talked constantly. When i was like 18 he called me a bitch and said he wanted nothing tondo with me all because i didnt believe his religious spews (hes the messiah etc) he is fing crazy. But my sister she did. Then he apologized a year later. But i still dont hear from him. I reached out to him on fb but he immediately blocked me. my dad is a whole other subject. I could write another book on him.
Anyway this is getting way to long so i will jump ahead to me being 17 amd enlisting in the army. At this time suicide had been a thought many times. But im a chicken and scared so it has been hard to figure out how. The plan was. Go in the army get deployed kill myself and its over. But god had different plans and long story short because this is a whole other book on how ut happened.... I almost had an abortion but didnt and when i realized there was life in me when he started kicking and moving i knew it wasnt my time. He saved my life. My oldest i have told him the story of why i joined the army and he knows he is my angel who saved me. He feels so special because of that amd he is. He literally saved me.
Anyway in between there has been more suicidal attempts and thoughts and times where people thought i was trying and i wasnt. Times where the system has failed me greatly and times where my mother's apologies although sincere has made things worse instead of better. Things are put into perspective differently when your mother says i knew you were being abused (sexually) but i just wasnt sure and you never. Ame to me. Or when she says its not that i ignored you its just that you were strong and you were the one who didnt need me. Your sisters needed me and you didnt.... Its kinda bullshit to me because as far as i know every child needs love and attention. I raised myself basically from the age of 9 up and let me tell you i did a shitty job. I was depressed the whole time. With nothing but my poetry to keep me going because no one ever knew. I have put myself in dangerous situations as a teen hoping i would not make it out. Only to make it out but left a little more broken and a little less me. I feel like if there is a god he lets bad things happen to me alot but is never willing to finish me off. Like when i had my accident i came to just in time to reactively jerk the wheel. The cop said it was a miracle. I hit a pole, a transformer pole, and a tree, then ended up in the ditch. I wish sometimes i had not come to because i would be dead now for sure. Its just when i woke up my instincts was grab the wheel and avoid death. I remember thinking God dont let me die. It all happened so quick and i walked away without a scratch and i wonder to myself why because i wish i hadnt.
So anyway here i am now having dealt with a lot more stuff i didnt mention. Just because we would be here all day and this is ready to much. Its just so hard to put it into one little excerpt when i have volumes. I have always had thoughts of death, how, when, what kind of note to leave behind if at all. I have started said note on a few occasions. Right now whats holding me back are my kids. Will they be split up? Will my crappy ex husband get them. Will they live a better life or worse? I wonder now should i get life insurance first? After research i have found that most polices have a suicide clause. If you die by suicide in before 13 (and some cases up to 2 years) they will not pay out. Its their way of making sure you are not buying it for that purpose. Then i have thought maybe i should have a will although i have no assets but it could at least detail what i want done to my body and what i want to happen to my children.
Sometimes im sad for no reason. Sometimes i have a reason and then i think of all of the things i have been through and it multiplies my sadness. Its like having a monkey on your shoulder and you cant get it off no matter how hard you shake it off. I get exhausted. People expect me to be the strong one even still. Im the one who has to help everyone else then help myself last. Im the one who has to be strong for the family and then do it all with a smile and my face and a positive attitude. Im the smart one so i have to help everyone with figuring out this that and the other. Everytime i leave this state i end up back and each time i wonder why i came back. I come back because i think it will help to be around family but always am reminded that my family hurts more than they help. Im exhausted making everyone see the person who is cheery and helpful and nice to everyone but inside i want to scream leave me the f alone and get away from me. Im torn. I want to make others feel good but i also want to curl up in a little ball and fade away and never see the outside world again.
I have thought how i should go. I have thought of who the last person i want to talk to is. I have thought of every detail to the point i have daydreamed of it happening watching it in real time like a movie or like an out of body experience. I have seen the outcomes for each of the scenarios. One of my favorites that keeps coming back to me his the bridge. I cant swim. Although im afraid of it being painful drowning i think the moment leading up to it would be peaceful. The fall it would be like letting all of my worries,pain,guilt and anything else fall right off of me. Ive thought i could just have my letters written and leave them on the passenger seat. Stop my car. Maybe i make a phone call maybe i dont. I have seen it both ways. But then i just let go. I fall and when i hit the water its like a relief but its scary. My heart would be racing and i dont know whether to panic or just let go. But eventually i let go. I have thought about what if i float though? So i thought maybe a weight vest and some weights attached would help.
Anyway im ok with sharing this because i have decides althoug not whole heartedly that this is not the way i will ctb. I have been lurking in the forums and noticed that alot of people are set on SN and i have to say i am interested in looking into it.
I am happy to be apart of this group where i am not judged for feeling i dont belong on this earth. It is nice to be able to speak openly with out fear of being institutionalized. I dont feel like i am sick although im sure others would disagree. I feel like some people may br on earth to endure and withstand pain and sadness that others can not. Bu doing so it keeps the world going. Its like when you say its a dirty job but somebody has to do it. Well what if its the same thing? No one want terminal illnesses, no one wants disfigurement, pain, depression, etc. But what if people are meant to have it in order to keep a balance in the world somebody has to deal with it. But at the same time some just reach their breaking point. The pot spills over and they have taken all they can handle. Thats us. We have handled what we can and we are saying its enough. I feel guilty for feeling this way sometimes because there are people who are going through way worse than me.
On one hand i want to live on the other i cant deal with always feeling sadness some explainable and some not. On that hand i dont want life. I want know the peace of being nothing being my soul is no longer of this earth. Like dont you imagine what the peacefulness must feel like? It must be tranquil to just no longer exist.
Sorry this is so long guys i tried to make it short. But thank you to anyone who has manage to read it all.
