E
eternalvoid
Member
- Sep 19, 2022
- 5
Hi.
I don't know what I'm doing. I honestly don't know what to even write.
I have a really hard time talking to people, even online, just posting this makes me so nervous. Even making a simple comment on someone else's post makes me anxious.
I mostly lurk, but I decided if I'm going to actually join this place I should push myself a little more and stop being so invisible, even in the anonymity of the internet.
Plus being a new user, with all that's gone on with this place I didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable being that I'm a new user.
So here I am.
Sorry if I write horribly, I feel like my brain is no longer capable of forming thoughts, let alone capable of stringing even two words together to express the thoughts that it does manage to form.
Don't know how to explain, I feel so dead mentally. Like my brain barely works.
It's been a long ride. An exhausting one at that.
I remain baffled at the fact that I'm still here. Some days I have moments where it hits me that I'm still alive. I was supposed to die like three times over.
Every one used to tell me I had someone watching over me, that it was extraordinary how I survived all these brushes with death that would normally have taken anybody else.
They convinced me of it too. I believed them, it seemed surreal that I survived so many times so I was convinced, maybe God IS watching over me.
Maybe it's because I'm meant for greater things as everyone keeps telling me.
I believed that for a bit so my suffering in that very short time seemed worthwhile, my life must have some meaning if I'm still alive after everything, it must get better eventually I thought.
But it never did. Eventually things got worse and worse until now, I truly feel like I'm being fucked with. Like if my life was a simulation, someone is playing a game with it and getting off on just how much they can torture me.
I've come to realize, yet again, that things don't get better for everyone. It's not in the cards for everyone. I'm a weak person, and I'm not capable of anything great, let alone even normal things.
That there's no greater meaning or purpose to all this. It is what it is and it is what you want out of it, what you make out of it, and I'm not capable of making anything out of anything.
I don't even want anything, I just want nothing, to cease to exist.
This had been my belief and my mindset almost my entire life until I let the hopes of everyone around me fool me.
It feels worse to have hope and get crushed than it does to have zero expectations and still get crushed.
If that makes sense.
I've suffered for such a long time. I can no longer push it. I'm in my mid to late twenties, I do not want to make it to 30 and still be in this same place because of the fear of worse or because I'm still hanging on to the hopes of those around me.
It doesn't get better. It won't for me.
So, just as I did years ago, I surrender. I give up. But I'll be smarter about it this time.
I'll plan it better. And I will make sure that I make peace with whatever it is I have to so that I can get back into the place mentally that I was in back then where I was able to suppress
any and all instinct of survival all humans have and did what I did.
I was there once, I can go back there again.
I'll figure out what's holding me back and rid myself of whatever reservations I have subconsciously.
Because it must be subconscious. I'm ready to go, I've given up a long time ago yet I've lived in this limbo state for so long because of something that is holding me back.
I believe it is the fear of after death. The fear of worse. That is the only thing that scares me. I fear if after would be worse than my current hell.
So I will work through this fear. Hopefully this place opens me up to thought provoking discussions and knowledge and things I need to hear.
That's all I suppose. Sorry for the incoherent rambling, I'm sure none of it makes sense but I really wanted to push myself to post for once instead of always lurking.
I hope it's okay to post this, I don't know why making a post makes me so incredibly nervous. I don't know if I'll even end up posting this.
I don't know what I'm doing. I honestly don't know what to even write.
I have a really hard time talking to people, even online, just posting this makes me so nervous. Even making a simple comment on someone else's post makes me anxious.
I mostly lurk, but I decided if I'm going to actually join this place I should push myself a little more and stop being so invisible, even in the anonymity of the internet.
Plus being a new user, with all that's gone on with this place I didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable being that I'm a new user.
So here I am.
Sorry if I write horribly, I feel like my brain is no longer capable of forming thoughts, let alone capable of stringing even two words together to express the thoughts that it does manage to form.
Don't know how to explain, I feel so dead mentally. Like my brain barely works.
It's been a long ride. An exhausting one at that.
I remain baffled at the fact that I'm still here. Some days I have moments where it hits me that I'm still alive. I was supposed to die like three times over.
Every one used to tell me I had someone watching over me, that it was extraordinary how I survived all these brushes with death that would normally have taken anybody else.
They convinced me of it too. I believed them, it seemed surreal that I survived so many times so I was convinced, maybe God IS watching over me.
Maybe it's because I'm meant for greater things as everyone keeps telling me.
I believed that for a bit so my suffering in that very short time seemed worthwhile, my life must have some meaning if I'm still alive after everything, it must get better eventually I thought.
But it never did. Eventually things got worse and worse until now, I truly feel like I'm being fucked with. Like if my life was a simulation, someone is playing a game with it and getting off on just how much they can torture me.
I've come to realize, yet again, that things don't get better for everyone. It's not in the cards for everyone. I'm a weak person, and I'm not capable of anything great, let alone even normal things.
That there's no greater meaning or purpose to all this. It is what it is and it is what you want out of it, what you make out of it, and I'm not capable of making anything out of anything.
I don't even want anything, I just want nothing, to cease to exist.
This had been my belief and my mindset almost my entire life until I let the hopes of everyone around me fool me.
It feels worse to have hope and get crushed than it does to have zero expectations and still get crushed.
If that makes sense.
I've suffered for such a long time. I can no longer push it. I'm in my mid to late twenties, I do not want to make it to 30 and still be in this same place because of the fear of worse or because I'm still hanging on to the hopes of those around me.
It doesn't get better. It won't for me.
So, just as I did years ago, I surrender. I give up. But I'll be smarter about it this time.
I'll plan it better. And I will make sure that I make peace with whatever it is I have to so that I can get back into the place mentally that I was in back then where I was able to suppress
any and all instinct of survival all humans have and did what I did.
I was there once, I can go back there again.
I'll figure out what's holding me back and rid myself of whatever reservations I have subconsciously.
Because it must be subconscious. I'm ready to go, I've given up a long time ago yet I've lived in this limbo state for so long because of something that is holding me back.
I believe it is the fear of after death. The fear of worse. That is the only thing that scares me. I fear if after would be worse than my current hell.
So I will work through this fear. Hopefully this place opens me up to thought provoking discussions and knowledge and things I need to hear.
That's all I suppose. Sorry for the incoherent rambling, I'm sure none of it makes sense but I really wanted to push myself to post for once instead of always lurking.
I hope it's okay to post this, I don't know why making a post makes me so incredibly nervous. I don't know if I'll even end up posting this.