I have been lurker for several years and joined the forum recently. I am glad to be part of this forum where I am allowed to discuss this taboo topic without being judged. Sorry for the long post :)
I am 33. Have been suffering from depression, anxiety and chronic suicidality since I hit puberty. Have been on and off anti-depressants and therapy for about 8 years now. I was diagnosed with bipolar type 2 disorder. I came very close to catching the bus late last year. I have avoided CTB all these years because someone or the other was dependent on me. My single mother passed away a few years ago. My pet was the last. He passed away about an year ago. I have avoided getting into serious relationships or having kids, because I have always felt that my life would inevitably end in suicide and I don't want anyone to be negatively impacted. Also I am socially very inept. I have an elder sibling who has a successful career and family of her own. I told her on multiple occasions and in no uncertain terms about by suicidality. She says I am an adult and I can make decisions for myself. So I have no one dependent on me and I don't have to worry about negatively impacting someone else's lives.
My childhood wasn't very good because of alcoholic and extremely abusive father. Spent a few years in extreme poverty too. But I managed to get into one of the best colleges in my country. I have been quite good at studies. I have a reasonably successful career as a scientist and a comfortable material life despite the mental health issues. Looking back I feel like I have done all I that I wanted to do in life.
So I am all set to CTB and I almost did in December last year and made a random decision at the last moment to not go through with the plan. But over the last couple of years my depressive episodes have been getting more frequent and more severe. I missed work for 3 weeks in December due to a bipolar crash. My manager at work was quite understanding at that time. I recovered from that episode. But now, I am going through another episode. I haven't been working properly for the last couple of weeks. I feel very guilty that I am not working as much as I should and I am always anxious that sooner or later I will be called out in front of everyone. Not sure how long I will be able to continue this way.
I have tried all sorts of treatments over the years including anti-depressants, years of therapy, ketamine infusions, lithium, lamotrigine, etc. etc. They work for a while, I stop taking the medicines due to weight gain, severe tremors or other such side effects. Then the depression comes back.
No one can say, I have been impulsive in my decision to CTB. I have thought about my situation very thoroughly all these years and I tried to fix my problem. But as years go by, I feel like I will not have the strength to go through many more of these depressive episodes and most importantly I don't see the point. All I need to do is act on my decision. I am not sure when I will do it. Hopefully in a year or two.
I am 33. Have been suffering from depression, anxiety and chronic suicidality since I hit puberty. Have been on and off anti-depressants and therapy for about 8 years now. I was diagnosed with bipolar type 2 disorder. I came very close to catching the bus late last year. I have avoided CTB all these years because someone or the other was dependent on me. My single mother passed away a few years ago. My pet was the last. He passed away about an year ago. I have avoided getting into serious relationships or having kids, because I have always felt that my life would inevitably end in suicide and I don't want anyone to be negatively impacted. Also I am socially very inept. I have an elder sibling who has a successful career and family of her own. I told her on multiple occasions and in no uncertain terms about by suicidality. She says I am an adult and I can make decisions for myself. So I have no one dependent on me and I don't have to worry about negatively impacting someone else's lives.
My childhood wasn't very good because of alcoholic and extremely abusive father. Spent a few years in extreme poverty too. But I managed to get into one of the best colleges in my country. I have been quite good at studies. I have a reasonably successful career as a scientist and a comfortable material life despite the mental health issues. Looking back I feel like I have done all I that I wanted to do in life.
So I am all set to CTB and I almost did in December last year and made a random decision at the last moment to not go through with the plan. But over the last couple of years my depressive episodes have been getting more frequent and more severe. I missed work for 3 weeks in December due to a bipolar crash. My manager at work was quite understanding at that time. I recovered from that episode. But now, I am going through another episode. I haven't been working properly for the last couple of weeks. I feel very guilty that I am not working as much as I should and I am always anxious that sooner or later I will be called out in front of everyone. Not sure how long I will be able to continue this way.
I have tried all sorts of treatments over the years including anti-depressants, years of therapy, ketamine infusions, lithium, lamotrigine, etc. etc. They work for a while, I stop taking the medicines due to weight gain, severe tremors or other such side effects. Then the depression comes back.
No one can say, I have been impulsive in my decision to CTB. I have thought about my situation very thoroughly all these years and I tried to fix my problem. But as years go by, I feel like I will not have the strength to go through many more of these depressive episodes and most importantly I don't see the point. All I need to do is act on my decision. I am not sure when I will do it. Hopefully in a year or two.
