Discussion New approach: I don't deserve to be happy otherwise I would be

[ChildrensITV]

My life has been shit for over 25 years, but wasn't GREAT before then. I have had glimmers of it having potential but it always blows up in my face. Anytime something good happens, there is like a ticking-clock sound that I can hear in my mind and soul, knowing that it will be over shortly or that the good thing will end up hard to manage until it's not good anymore.

I've recovered from 2 major suicidal episodes in the last 1.5 years. I was just getting over the 2nd one and then another thing went wrong. Luckily, I'm so used to things going bad that this time, the impact was muted somewhat. What I've taken decades to realize is that, why things keep going wrong in my life is cuz they were never supposed to go right. I was never actually meant to be happy. For some cosmic reason, I don't deserve to be happy. Please don't give me this "everyone deserves happiness" cuz apparently that is not true. It would be nice if everyone could be, but life is not nice for many. For many, it is a sick joke that won't end until life ends.

Me, trying to be happy is like squeezing a somewhat squishy square peg into a round hole. It just won't fit. It seems as if you can squish it in but ultimately, it won't fit.

It's so hard for things to work out well cuz they were never supposed to. I am trying to shoehorn happiness into a fate that doesn't allow it. So I will just accept life as being for my suffering and depression. I'm not going through depression: I am supposed to be depressed. I was BORN to be depressed. This is supposed to be my life. I was supposed to live of life of learning, yearning and sadness. This is why I can't break free.

I don't need to HELP my life be shit though. By eating food, I am complicit. I need to find a way to cut down on food. I wish I could be pro-ana and just waste away. I fucking hate this life. I can't wait til it's over. Thank fuck you get only one life. The best day of my life is to come. My deathbed.

 

[sinclairpeace]

Trying to get to my death bed now, I wish it was easier said then down. I also feel like if I desvered to be happy I would be but I'm not. I just want it to end and that way i can be happy to get out this shot hole life

 

[dinosavr]

I'm really sorry I'm not even gonna try to cheer you up because I agree with you so much. The concept of everyone being equally worth happiness is beyond stupid! We can just as well assume everyone is NOT worth it. It's crazy, don't know if it's what's left of communism or what the hell but I don't get it. I am supposed to be suffering, that's just right.

 

[Beyond_Repair]

I personally don't believe in "deserving" happiness or anything else. I don't think the universe works like that.

Terrible things happen to good people, terrible people get everything they want out of life and live happily. It's completely random

Some people have brains that are designed to make them miserable. They didn't deserve it, it just it what it is. Believing in things like karma is a way to cope in a world that is entirely indifferent to your existence, and very often, cruelly unfair. And for people who are privileged or lucky to believe that they must be good people to have deserved their good fortune

But that's just my personal belief

 

[mythofsisyphus]

To deserve anything, good or bad, implies that we are an entity that has an inherent worth value or significance that dictates what comes to us. I think there's some freedom in realising that even though self-deprecating, these beliefs do stem from an egocentric view point which is largely an illusion. Nobody deserves anything. Worthiness, deservingness ... these are simply concepts we have created, they don't exist outside of our mind. The universe is random, we're not special enough to 'deserve' anything... good, bad or otherwise.