ChildrensITV
Arcanist
- Mar 14, 2023
- 455
My life has been shit for over 25 years, but wasn't GREAT before then. I have had glimmers of it having potential but it always blows up in my face. Anytime something good happens, there is like a ticking-clock sound that I can hear in my mind and soul, knowing that it will be over shortly or that the good thing will end up hard to manage until it's not good anymore.
I've recovered from 2 major suicidal episodes in the last 1.5 years. I was just getting over the 2nd one and then another thing went wrong. Luckily, I'm so used to things going bad that this time, the impact was muted somewhat. What I've taken decades to realize is that, why things keep going wrong in my life is cuz they were never supposed to go right. I was never actually meant to be happy. For some cosmic reason, I don't deserve to be happy. Please don't give me this "everyone deserves happiness" cuz apparently that is not true. It would be nice if everyone could be, but life is not nice for many. For many, it is a sick joke that won't end until life ends.
Me, trying to be happy is like squeezing a somewhat squishy square peg into a round hole. It just won't fit. It seems as if you can squish it in but ultimately, it won't fit.
It's so hard for things to work out well cuz they were never supposed to. I am trying to shoehorn happiness into a fate that doesn't allow it. So I will just accept life as being for my suffering and depression. I'm not going through depression: I am supposed to be depressed. I was BORN to be depressed. This is supposed to be my life. I was supposed to live of life of learning, yearning and sadness. This is why I can't break free.
I don't need to HELP my life be shit though. By eating food, I am complicit. I need to find a way to cut down on food. I wish I could be pro-ana and just waste away. I fucking hate this life. I can't wait til it's over. Thank fuck you get only one life. The best day of my life is to come. My deathbed.
I've recovered from 2 major suicidal episodes in the last 1.5 years. I was just getting over the 2nd one and then another thing went wrong. Luckily, I'm so used to things going bad that this time, the impact was muted somewhat. What I've taken decades to realize is that, why things keep going wrong in my life is cuz they were never supposed to go right. I was never actually meant to be happy. For some cosmic reason, I don't deserve to be happy. Please don't give me this "everyone deserves happiness" cuz apparently that is not true. It would be nice if everyone could be, but life is not nice for many. For many, it is a sick joke that won't end until life ends.
Me, trying to be happy is like squeezing a somewhat squishy square peg into a round hole. It just won't fit. It seems as if you can squish it in but ultimately, it won't fit.
It's so hard for things to work out well cuz they were never supposed to. I am trying to shoehorn happiness into a fate that doesn't allow it. So I will just accept life as being for my suffering and depression. I'm not going through depression: I am supposed to be depressed. I was BORN to be depressed. This is supposed to be my life. I was supposed to live of life of learning, yearning and sadness. This is why I can't break free.
I don't need to HELP my life be shit though. By eating food, I am complicit. I need to find a way to cut down on food. I wish I could be pro-ana and just waste away. I fucking hate this life. I can't wait til it's over. Thank fuck you get only one life. The best day of my life is to come. My deathbed.
