Venting New and Tired

[aetherless]

Hello everyone I am new here, I found this community in hopes to be encouraged to commit suicide. But as I have been lurking around, I found a glimmer of a new kind of hope in all our misery. A refreshing sad realization that this is the kind of community humanity so desperately needs. Maybe more than we can realize. I am riddled with anxiety even putting myself out here with my first post. But I cannot help but feel safe. At the same time, I am just so tired and don't have much to lose... My first signs of suicide started at the age of 5 and it has been dragging me down little by little and now I am a 30 year old addict.. alcohol, uppers, downers, and a little bit of everything. It helps me forget everything. But I came here desperately when everything boiled over. I like to choke myself a lot to get dizzy and faint, it feels good. But today I really was going to commit all the way, but the one I love was sleeping in the other room and picturing him finding my lifeless body broke my heart. People keep saying suicide is selfish and although I can agree, I wish they would focus on the person who is threatening their own life instead of their own feelings... It leaves me speechless, unsafe with my honest feelings. Pointless. Worthless. Nothing. Even in my "selfishness" I still think of you and how my actions could cause you so much pain. I love you so much. Yet you say "fuck you" when I tell you I want to die. "You're really going to abandon me?" And your cries become louder than mine. And I am the one comforting you, when it was me all along who always wanted to die.
Forgive me for venting.

 

[ThisUnrest]

Sorry for your problems and worries. It can be very volatile when talking to a partner about feeling this way. It's easy to see how much you love him. And that you want him to understand how much pain youre feeling. Im relatively new to writing in, but ive been reading posts for a while. This is very much a supportive community. Gives people hope and companionship in a life that can feel otherwise hopeless and terribly lonely. A place to speak openly, where others will still provide comfort. I was surprised by that as well. Hope your night improves.

 

[aetherless]

Sorry for your problems and worries. It can be very volatile when talking to a partner about feeling this way. It's easy to see how much you love him. And that you want him to understand how much pain youre feeling. Im relatively new to writing in, but ive been reading posts for a while. This is very much a supportive community. Gives people hope and companionship in a life that can feel otherwise hopeless and terribly lonely. A place to speak openly, where others will still provide comfort. I was surprised by that as well. Hope your night improves.

After reading a lot here and hearing the community I do feel supported just by reading alone. Thank you, I hope it improves too. How is your night?

 

[Praestat_Mori]

What you have to go through is so awful. Yes it's true, people who want to die for their personal reasons are forced to stay alive and live a life they don't want for the sake of family, friends, loved ones and so on. I can relate to this in the one or other way bc it makes it also so difficult for me to CTB. I wish you all the best!

 

[BornByGhosts]

I found this community in hopes to be encouraged to commit suicide.

this must happen a lot, like they register here and expect us to go "rah rah kys!" but they find a bunch of compassionate people instead

 

[FuneralCry]

I think the true selfish thing would be expect one to stay here and suffer against their wishes, suicide could never really be selfish as none of us are obligated to continue enduring this existence, we all have our right to die.

 

[aetherless]

this must happen a lot, like they register here and expect us to go "rah rah kys!" but they find a bunch of compassionate people instead

It was a nice surprise to be honest

I think the true selfish thing would be expect one to stay here and suffer against their wishes, suicide could never really be selfish as none of us are obligated to continue enduring this existence, we all have our right to die.

In my opinion being selfish isnt always a bad thing. I find both sides selfish. But ultimately you're right, i think we all have our right to either choose to live or die. Its hard for people to see it the way we do because for so long we've been taught in society that its taboo. In some ways maybe a lot of us wouldnt be so desperate to die if it was more accepted...

What you have to go through is so awful. Yes it's true, people who want to die for their personal reasons are forced to stay alive and live a life they don't want for the sake of family, friends, loved ones and so on. I can relate to this in the one or other way bc it makes it also so difficult for me to CTB. I wish you all the best!

I wish you all the best too! Its a strange paradox for sure.

 

[sadhappygirl]

^^ sending love and care to you