Venting never tell

[dazednconfused]

i wish i never told my therapist or anyone about trying to end it. i felt guilt and shame and maybe even a glimmer of hope that i could be helped. no such thing.

now theyre all just distracting me but yk distractions only make it hurt more when youre snapped back into reality. being soft on me, but that cant last. i only feel a little better because everyone is pretending that life matters more than usefulness. it doesnt. if i cant function in society then i am a burden and lazy and those are bad things. trying to pretend like thats okay is a lie they are perpetuating just because they want me alive because itd make THEM useless too. if i could die and they could continue on just fine, thered be no problem. its only because id drag them to my level of inability to function in society and cause them depression that they act like they care.

im a lost cause. i dont care about doing things in this world, my dreams are pipe dreams that i have to be reminded that oh i have to pay bills and i have to actually do stuff etc. but the same ppl say chase your dreams and use then to motivate you. yeah, everyone has a dream. most of them are working dead end jobs, scraping past trying to make a living. doing what they actually have to do and clinging onto hope to distract them from the reality of the world.

life is just everyone pretending that what we experience isnt real, or that it has some bigger value or itll bring us to some peace and happiness when usually for most it really fucking doesnt. i dont feel like doing all this shit just to wait around and hope to see if i get to be one of the ones with a tiny sliver of happiness and a taste of my dreams becoming reality. bullshit.

 

[hellworldprincess]

I feel you. The main purpose of "mental health care" (as it is usually practiced) is making you ignore the undying pain and pressure constantly wearing us down.
But it seems like your therapist hasn't put you in some kind of facility so maybe you still have a chance of getting actual therapy.
There probably isn't a way for you (or most ppl on this website) to acquire and keep a "normal job" and function in regular society but imo that's not enough of a reason to ultimately give up.
Yes, it is selfish to want another to stay alive for your own sake, but you can't disregard the impact your death would have on the people close to you as just 'making them useless too'.
In late stage capitalism basically everyone is looking out for themselves as the number one priority and you can't expect people who haven't had your experience to be as pro-mortalist as would be appropriate.
If people want you to stay in this realm you are by definition not useless. You obviously are of some kind of use to these people whatever that may mean to you.
If you can't go on I don't want to take any autonomy from you. Staying alive is as much of a choice as dying is and you should have complete control over your own fate. However I want you to consider every option before you do something that's not the right way for you personally.
I hope you at least feel kind of seen

 

[dazednconfused]

I feel you. The main purpose of "mental health care" (as it is usually practiced) is making you ignore the undying pain and pressure constantly wearing us down.
But it seems like your therapist hasn't put you in some kind of facility so maybe you still have a chance of getting actual therapy.
There probably isn't a way for you (or most ppl on this website) to acquire and keep a "normal job" and function in regular society but imo that's not enough of a reason to ultimately give up.
Yes, it is selfish to want another to stay alive for your own sake, but you can't disregard the impact your death would have on the people close to you as just 'making them useless too'.
In late stage capitalism basically everyone is looking out for themselves as the number one priority and you can't expect people who haven't had your experience to be as pro-mortalist as would be appropriate.
If people want you to stay in this realm you are by definition not useless. You obviously are of some kind of use to these people whatever that may mean to you.
If you can't go on I don't want to take any autonomy from you. Staying alive is as much of a choice as dying is and you should have complete control over your own fate. However I want you to consider every option before you do something that's not the right way for you personally.
I hope you at least feel kind of seen

hi, ive been in a short term facility once or twice when i was younger. about 2 weeks. maybe it helped me for a little? but it was agony for my brain thinking about everyone outside of it and everything id have to go back to and the immature bullying and stuff on the inside.. obviously its adolescent units, so its like that. ig. exhausting. nd i never had problems 'as bad' as everyone else. idk. never helped me much they just gave me some diagnoses based on those two weeks (i think rn its schizotypal personality disorder, and unspecified mood disorder... schizotypal maybe cus i did tarot readings in the ward and they took my cards LMFAO) and some new medicine and put me on my way lol

sometimes i wonder if i need a long term facility and i did even rbing that up to my therapist but it seems like hes against the idea or thinks theres something else i can do irl to fix things. when im trying to tell them no, i dont care, this is me reaching out at my last line, i dont care to try i dont want a job i hate the idea of trying to live just to stay afloat and clinging into dreams and hope that i cant have, waiting for this depression nd wanting to die to overcome me again if i get happy.. living for the next distraction. i tried spirituality too, really really did, invested into it wholly and it only made me worse. i dont want to be seen as lazy but i am. everyone says im ruining my potential and theyre just upset because they see i have 'so much potential if id just try' like i havent been trying, like i havent been ahead in my classes, like i havent put myself out there, like when i DID have a job i didnt try to spoil my family and make them happy with small things like dinner for everyone occasionally or little snacks for my little siblings. but its just not far nough.

i appreciate your advice im just not really sure where to go from here n every other day i think 'i can do this ill live' and then 'ah wait. this isnt real. im just feeling hopeful. but im still doing the same things, feeling the same way, and have the same lack of motivation as before.'

i only have 100 dollars in my acct right now and sometimes i think aobut just waiting for my SN to get here and then running away. idek where to. idk. but if they want me to be alive then i just feel like doing crazy shit. (my mom, my family, my therapist, etc)

i dont know what to do when i dont have any motivation or care. lol. its weird cus ik i should care but i dont and like to me... if i dont... no one can fix that for me so i might as well end it so im not being a fucking useless drag and waste of money resources effort and time and thought to others and myself.

 

[verdedefome]

everyone is pretending that life matters more than usefulness

that's an interesting thought, I often feel the same way.

 

[hellworldprincess]

hi, ive been in a short term facility once or twice when i was younger. about 2 weeks. maybe it helped me for a little? but it was agony for my brain thinking about everyone outside of it and everything id have to go back to and the immature bullying and stuff on the inside.. obviously its adolescent units, so its like that. ig. exhausting. nd i never had problems 'as bad' as everyone else. idk. never helped me much they just gave me some diagnoses based on those two weeks (i think rn its schizotypal personality disorder, and unspecified mood disorder... schizotypal maybe cus i did tarot readings in the ward and they took my cards LMFAO) and some new medicine and put me on my way lol

sometimes i wonder if i need a long term facility and i did even rbing that up to my therapist but it seems like hes against the idea or thinks theres something else i can do irl to fix things. when im trying to tell them no, i dont care, this is me reaching out at my last line, i dont care to try i dont want a job i hate the idea of trying to live just to stay afloat and clinging into dreams and hope that i cant have, waiting for this depression nd wanting to die to overcome me again if i get happy.. living for the next distraction. i tried spirituality too, really really did, invested into it wholly and it only made me worse. i dont want to be seen as lazy but i am. everyone says im ruining my potential and theyre just upset because they see i have 'so much potential if id just try' like i havent been trying, like i havent been ahead in my classes, like i havent put myself out there, like when i DID have a job i didnt try to spoil my family and make them happy with small things like dinner for everyone occasionally or little snacks for my little siblings. but its just not far nough.

i appreciate your advice im just not really sure where to go from here n every other day i think 'i can do this ill live' and then 'ah wait. this isnt real. im just feeling hopeful. but im still doing the same things, feeling the same way, and have the same lack of motivation as before.'

i only have 100 dollars in my acct right now and sometimes i think aobut just waiting for my SN to get here and then running away. idek where to. idk. but if they want me to be alive then i just feel like doing crazy shit. (my mom, my family, my therapist, etc)

i dont know what to do when i dont have any motivation or care. lol. its weird cus ik i should care but i dont and like to me... if i dont... no one can fix that for me so i might as well end it so im not being a fucking useless drag and waste of money resources effort and time and thought to others and myself.

If you've tried so much to get your family to embrace you and still nothing of the like is happening you should definitely leave them to whatever it is they're trying to accomplish.
I think you're better than that and with some SN as an emergency brake in your pocket you can do anything you've ever dreamed of.
You wrote that you don't want to cling on some vapid dreams or something but you only know if your dreams can only ever be dreams if you break free from what's holding you back atm.
I don't think that it's helpful to dwell on 'being a waste of money, resources...' because you aren't in this world by choice so you can do whatever feels right. You don't need to consider what your parents feel like because they dragged you into this hell.
When your SN arrives please use the opportunity to be free and just live for yourself for once.
You can always CTB if things get too bad.