Negative self talk

[fieryending]

I am really horrible to myself. I constantly think bad things about and mimic other people's voices in my head telling me how I'm doing this thing wrong, how I'm a piece of shit. I call myself a retard like 50 times a day and make fun of myself being autistic (even though I don't know if I have it). I always say the worst things about myself because I don't believe that I'm worth anything better. That is one of my biggest problems. I don't feel like I'm good enough to even be alive and I constantly apologize for being born to everyone in my head. I need to figure out how to develop some sense of self worth if I'm going to stay alive and not ctb. I just don't know how to start. I want to be a better person too, but that is really hard. The first place I need to start is figuring out how to stop taking food from my sister's roommates. I told her about it and she got understandably angry at me about it, but I still haven't stopped. The temptation is super strong especially when you're hungry but I know that is no excuse. It would be easier if my sister had food of her own in the house but she doesn't, so I have to restrain myself from taking her roommates. I take small things here and there that I hope they won't notice (like a splash of milk for some food I'm cooking or a donut. Hell I ate an entire expired bag of chips that was in the cupboard that I rationalized them forgetting about). By typing this I'm starting to think I'm an unintentional kleptomaniac. I just want to stop stealing and start caring about myself. I want to like myself but it feels impossible because I can't shake the thought that I am the worst piece of shit and that I'm just going to turn out like my dad. My sister told me I have one last chance before she takes me to the crc, and I feel like I already broke it by buying cough syrup to get high off of at night without her knowing. I won't tell her and I hope she doesn't find out. I want that to be the last bad thing I do while I'm here. I just want to love this life that I have but it isn't that simple.

 

[pole]

I am really horrible to myself. I constantly think bad things about and mimic other people's voices in my head telling me how I'm doing this thing wrong, how I'm a piece of shit. I call myself a retard like 50 times a day and make fun of myself being autistic (even though I don't know if I have it). I always say the worst things about myself because I don't believe that I'm worth anything better. That is one of my biggest problems. I don't feel like I'm good enough to even be alive and I constantly apologize for being born to everyone in my head. I need to figure out how to develop some sense of self worth if I'm going to stay alive and not ctb. I just don't know how to start. I want to be a better person too, but that is really hard. The first place I need to start is figuring out how to stop taking food from my sister's roommates. I told her about it and she got understandably angry at me about it, but I still haven't stopped. The temptation is super strong especially when you're hungry but I know that is no excuse. It would be easier if my sister had food of her own in the house but she doesn't, so I have to restrain myself from taking her roommates. I take small things here and there that I hope they won't notice (like a splash of milk for some food I'm cooking or a donut. Hell I ate an entire expired bag of chips that was in the cupboard that I rationalized them forgetting about). By typing this I'm starting to think I'm an unintentional kleptomaniac. I just want to stop stealing and start caring about myself. I want to like myself but it feels impossible because I can't shake the thought that I am the worst piece of shit and that I'm just going to turn out like my dad. My sister told me I have one last chance before she takes me to the crc, and I feel like I already broke it by buying cough syrup to get high off of at night without her knowing. I won't tell her and I hope she doesn't find out. I want that to be the last bad thing I do while I'm here. I just want to love this life that I have but it isn't that simple.

so this is a topic that essentially resides in recovery, but its good you're getting it out somewhere atleast.

i get it, self pity and the hatred towards yourself is extremely hard. and when you've been doing this for a long period of time, its hard as shit to snap out of it. I also have problems in excessive overthinking, whether its people looking at me a certain way, change of tone and voice, words, etc; but in the end, i truly know its paranoia and nothing, and im also trying to better myself in such regards in not overthinking. you wanna get better, and only you can do that. If i were you, i'd honestly be upfront with you're sister, tell her you wanna get better and are trying to get better and fight these urges so shes more committed in understanding and accepting of such mistakes and more open minded in you're behavior. you wanna accept yourself, and if you don't like yourself, better yourself. be in such an environment that allows you to do such things, i.e. a gym. start working out, who cares if you dont like working out, its a foundation of self caring and getting better. its the beginning of something, start doing that which gives you an opportunity to be doing something here and there and escaping you're lonely times of being at you're crib and just slacking and being depressed about yourself and instead focusing such energies on something like working out that can also act in stopping you from focusing and dwelling on the negatives temporarily.

secondly, you aren't a bad person, no matter how much you say you are, you aren't. hell, i don't even know you, but from reading what you said, you 100 percent aren't a bad person. you take the food of you're sisters roommates, whatever. the key in this is you actually acknowledge and accept such a thing is bad and care and have some sort of feelings against it. i gurantee you, THE MAJORITY OF PEOPLE who do bad things; dont give a single shit in doing it and neglecting how it affects others, and dont even realize how what their doint affects others, outside of themselves and how its regarded as bad. you aren't blinded by you're own suffering and pain, and see through this by actually understanding such things aren't right and that you should stop. thats fricken amazing and far from being a "bad person". i guess just meal planning, you're hungry, i mean who wouldnt do such things. Id try and ask my sister for SOME MONEY, and perhaps buy things such as protein shakes for examples, that act as fillers and literally fill you up and can help in giving you the way to be fill when you're lacking a meal here and there and hungry. Fills you up and lasts a while.

I'd plan out things i wanna do, if i recall, you're also around the same age as me and could potentially go to school? Do that. Perhaps reconnect with new friends, start working out, just things to keep urself busy, and less alone time in where you're dwelling on the negatives and focusing such attention and energy elsewhere like you truly want to.

 

[fieryending]

so this is a topic that essentially resides in recovery, but its good you're getting it out somewhere atleast.

i get it, self pity and the hatred towards yourself is extremely hard. and when you've been doing this for a long period of time, its hard as shit to snap out of it. I also have problems in excessive overthinking, whether its people looking at me a certain way, change of tone and voice, words, etc; but in the end, i truly know its paranoia and nothing, and im also trying to better myself in such regards in not overthinking. you wanna get better, and only you can do that. If i were you, i'd honestly be upfront with you're sister, tell her you wanna get better and are trying to get better and fight these urges so shes more committed in understanding and accepting of such mistakes and more open minded in you're behavior. you wanna accept yourself, and if you don't like yourself, better yourself. be in such an environment that allows you to do such things, i.e. a gym. start working out, who cares if you dont like working out, its a foundation of self caring and getting better. its the beginning of something, start doing that which gives you an opportunity to be doing something here and there and escaping you're lonely times of being at you're crib and just slacking and being depressed about yourself and instead focusing such energies on something like working out that can also act in stopping you from focusing and dwelling on the negatives temporarily.

secondly, you aren't a bad person, no matter how much you say you are, you aren't. hell, i don't even know you, but from reading what you said, you 100 percent aren't a bad person. you take the food of you're sisters roommates, whatever. the key in this is you actually acknowledge and accept such a thing is bad and care and have some sort of feelings against it. i gurantee you, THE MAJORITY OF PEOPLE who do bad things; dont give a single shit in doing it and neglecting how it affects others, and dont even realize how what their doint affects others, outside of themselves and how its regarded as bad. you aren't blinded by you're own suffering and pain, and see through this by actually understanding such things aren't right and that you should stop. thats fricken amazing and far from being a "bad person". i guess just meal planning, you're hungry, i mean who wouldnt do such things. Id try and ask my sister for SOME MONEY, and perhaps buy things such as protein shakes for examples, that act as fillers and literally fill you up and can help in giving you the way to be fill when you're lacking a meal here and there and hungry. Fills you up and lasts a while.

I'd plan out things i wanna do, if i recall, you're also around the same age as me and could potentially go to school? Do that. Perhaps reconnect with new friends, start working out, just things to keep urself busy, and less alone time in where you're dwelling on the negatives and focusing such attention and energy elsewhere like you truly want to.

Thanks. I would love to work out but thats not really possible right now besides body weight workouts. Those take effort and I have no motivation. I don't even meditate anymore. I am planning on giving her a roommates a $50 visa giftcard and a list of what I took to hopefully make up for it when I finally tell them. I have a swagbucks account but its a slow grind. I want to go back to school so bad, I'm a senior and I've missed almost the entire semester. I'm trying to get into online school but it's hard because my guardian is gonna want access to it even though I want no contact with her. I'm 18 and have a guardian till I'm 19 and that sucks. Thanks for the input

 

[pole]

Thanks. I would love to work out but thats not really possible right now besides body weight workouts. Those take effort and I have no motivation. I don't even meditate anymore. I am planning on giving her a roommates a $50 visa giftcard and a list of what I took to hopefully make up for it when I finally tell them. I have a swagbucks account but its a slow grind. I want to go back to school so bad, I'm a senior and I've missed almost the entire semester. I'm trying to get into online school but it's hard because my guardian is gonna want access to it even though I want no contact with her. I'm 18 and have a guardian till I'm 19 and that sucks. Thanks for the input

Completely understand. I didnt have motivation for the gym as well, but i feel like eventually you'll get it when you're trying to better yourself. And see, you're literally attempting to not only come clean but actually literally somehow repay for what you think were wrongdoings in anyway possible; 99.9 percent of bad people wouldnt ever even get to this stage lol. And sorry, that sucks about the guardian thing; perhaps i guess just trying to plan ahead to online schools or even just night schools until you're 19 so you dont have to do it all at once.

i completely understand in terms of how you feel. iv been super depressed and inhibited to do literally anything in life for the past 7 months and iv been reliant on asking my two younger sisters for snack money, food, other money here and there including money to pay for books and tuition, it makes me feel like absolute ass. im trying to better myself in just mentally picking myself up and being confident enough in finding a job.

I say this because of late, i have found other ways i guess in making money, even though im still in school. For example, if ur even into sports at all, sports betting. I had a friend whos insane at betting help me out i guess but i put 350 into betting, and im at around 4k rn. my friends usually put in 60 bucks, and they reach around 1k within weeks. even just stuff like this requires not even the interest in liking sports, but understanding betting which is pretty quick and easy to understand if you give it time; so hopefully you find such things helpful or other things even to help for money, while you're bettering yourself.

hope things continue to turn around for you.

 

[fieryending]

Completely understand. I didnt have motivation for the gym as well, but i feel like eventually you'll get it when you're trying to better yourself. And see, you're literally attempting to not only come clean but actually literally somehow repay for what you think were wrongdoings in anyway possible; 99.9 percent of bad people wouldnt ever even get to this stage lol. And sorry, that sucks about the guardian thing; perhaps i guess just trying to plan ahead to online schools or even just night schools until you're 19 so you dont have to do it all at once.

i completely understand in terms of how you feel. iv been super depressed and inhibited to do literally anything in life for the past 7 months and iv been reliant on asking my two younger sisters for snack money, food, other money here and there including money to pay for books and tuition, it makes me feel like absolute ass. im trying to better myself in just mentally picking myself up and being confident enough in finding a job.

I say this because of late, i have found other ways i guess in making money, even though im still in school. For example, if ur even into sports at all, sports betting. I had a friend whos insane at betting help me out i guess but i put 350 into betting, and im at around 4k rn. my friends usually put in 60 bucks, and they reach around 1k within weeks. even just stuff like this requires not even the interest in liking sports, but understanding betting which is pretty quick and easy to understand if you give it time; so hopefully you find such things helpful or other things even to help for money, while you're bettering yourself.

hope things continue to turn around for you.

thanks, i'll probably get into hard drugs before i get into betting lol

 

[pole]

thanks, i'll probably get into hard drugs before i get into betting lol

ah to each their own, have friends who chop and flip shit as well on the low; you make hella money so i mean i dont like blame you for doing it, easy money. Whatever it is, hope it helps in turning your life around.

 

[Sweet emotion]

I am really horrible to myself. I constantly think bad things about and mimic other people's voices in my head telling me how I'm doing this thing wrong, how I'm a piece of shit. I call myself a retard like 50 times a day and make fun of myself being autistic (even though I don't know if I have it). I always say the worst things about myself because I don't believe that I'm worth anything better. That is one of my biggest problems. I don't feel like I'm good enough to even be alive and I constantly apologize for being born to everyone in my head. I need to figure out how to develop some sense of self worth if I'm going to stay alive and not ctb. I just don't know how to start. I want to be a better person too, but that is really hard. The first place I need to start is figuring out how to stop taking food from my sister's roommates. I told her about it and she got understandably angry at me about it, but I still haven't stopped. The temptation is super strong especially when you're hungry but I know that is no excuse. It would be easier if my sister had food of her own in the house but she doesn't, so I have to restrain myself from taking her roommates. I take small things here and there that I hope they won't notice (like a splash of milk for some food I'm cooking or a donut. Hell I ate an entire expired bag of chips that was in the cupboard that I rationalized them forgetting about). By typing this I'm starting to think I'm an unintentional kleptomaniac. I just want to stop stealing and start caring about myself. I want to like myself but it feels impossible because I can't shake the thought that I am the worst piece of shit and that I'm just going to turn out like my dad. My sister told me I have one last chance before she takes me to the crc, and I feel like I already broke it by buying cough syrup to get high off of at night without her knowing. I won't tell her and I hope she doesn't find out. I want that to be the last bad thing I do while I'm here. I just want to love this life that I have but it isn't that simple.

Just wondering why don't you buy your own food?

 

[fieryending]

Just wondering why don't you buy your own food?

I don't have a job, or money. I'm saving up verrrry slowly on swagbucks so I can repay them. Im at like $16 now

 

[Sweet emotion]

I don't have a job, or money. I'm saving up verrrry slowly on swagbucks so I can repay them. Im at like $16 now

Can you get a job? And what is a swagbuck?

 

[Jake88]

I am really horrible to myself. I constantly think bad things about and mimic other people's voices in my head telling me how I'm doing this thing wrong, how I'm a piece of shit. I call myself a retard like 50 times a day and make fun of myself being autistic (even though I don't know if I have it). I always say the worst things about myself because I don't believe that I'm worth anything better. That is one of my biggest problems. I don't feel like I'm good enough to even be alive and I constantly apologize for being born to everyone in my head. I need to figure out how to develop some sense of self worth if I'm going to stay alive and not ctb. I just don't know how to start. I want to be a better person too, but that is really hard. The first place I need to start is figuring out how to stop taking food from my sister's roommates. I told her about it and she got understandably angry at me about it, but I still haven't stopped. The temptation is super strong especially when you're hungry but I know that is no excuse. It would be easier if my sister had food of her own in the house but she doesn't, so I have to restrain myself from taking her roommates. I take small things here and there that I hope they won't notice (like a splash of milk for some food I'm cooking or a donut. Hell I ate an entire expired bag of chips that was in the cupboard that I rationalized them forgetting about). By typing this I'm starting to think I'm an unintentional kleptomaniac. I just want to stop stealing and start caring about myself. I want to like myself but it feels impossible because I can't shake the thought that I am the worst piece of shit and that I'm just going to turn out like my dad. My sister told me I have one last chance before she takes me to the crc, and I feel like I already broke it by buying cough syrup to get high off of at night without her knowing. I won't tell her and I hope she doesn't find out. I want that to be the last bad thing I do while I'm here. I just want to love this life that I have but it isn't that simple.

You sound like a really good person. Extremely considerate and caring, even while you're in anguish. Unusual. But in a very good way. Life is a lot harder for those of us who care so much, but more people like us are needed in this world, despite our problems. Don't worry, I'm a piece of shit too.

 

[fieryending]

Can you get a job? And what is a swagbuck?

A job isn't really on the table for me now. Swagbucks is a website where u can get money by doings tasks like giving ur email up and taking surveys

 

[WhiteDespair]

Look into mindset training. It might allow you to catch yourself when the negative comments start flowing. If you can break yourself to reality that can also help. Something like analying the world around you or repeating a phrase can help. The catch is you have to be objective and describe the objects rather than applying emotional contexts.

Example: I am sitting in my living room. I am on my couch. The material is smooth to the touch. It is slightly cold. It is black. The tv is a Samsung. It is currently off.

Example: Saying, "I am going to die," tends to bring me back.

Or, you can take the negative and keep pushing it until it breaks through and becomes a positive. This can take work and guts and acceptance.

Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you" – Tyrion Lannister

Example:
Someone to me: You're an asshole.
Me: Thank you for noticing.
Or, Me: That's king asshole thank you very much.

 

[fieryending]

Look into mindset training. It might allow you to catch yourself when the negative comments start flowing. If you can break yourself to reality that can also help. Something like analying the world around you or repeating a phrase can help. The catch is you have to be objective and describe the objects rather than applying emotional contexts.

Example: I am sitting in my living room. I am on my couch. The material is smooth to the touch. It is slightly cold. It is black. The tv is a Samsung. It is currently off.

Example: Saying, "I am going to die," tends to bring me back.

Or, you can take the negative and keep pushing it until it breaks through and becomes a positive. This can take work and guts and acceptance.

Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you" – Tyrion Lannister

Example:
Someone to me: You're an asshole.
Me: Thank you for noticing.
Or, Me: That's king asshole thank you very much.

Thanks for the suggestion. That kind of sounds like just having an ongoing monolouge about my surroundings. It would help I bet, I already kind of do that, its just negative.

 

[WhiteDespair]

Thanks for the suggestion. That kind of sounds like just having an ongoing monolouge about my surroundings. It would help I bet, I already kind of do that, its just negative.

Yes. The idea is to, at least, get it neutral. It can be more involved. I found those to be the basics.

It's tough at times. My mind can follow a vicious path of hatred for self and others. I may not always catch myself.

Good luck.

 

[ChristopherWalken]

One thing I do to combat negative thoughts is when I am conscious of a negative thought I add 'Actually...'.
So if I think:
"You're lazy" - "Actually, I'm just thinking about what I'm about to do next"
"You're fake" - "Actually, I'm faking it till I make it like every other successful person"
"I hate myself" - "Actually, I'm just very self-critical, probably from a combination of being a perfectionist and introspective, I really need to cut myself some slack."

The actually sometimes isn't enough to flip the whole thought but it's enough to change the direction, and so it might take a little more effort to take the power away from that negative thought. "I really am a good person. I'm trying though and I'll get this fixed little by little. I'm enough just as I am and I'm getting a little better every day."

Negative thoughts that come to mind,
negative words my ears sometimes find,
break like brittle bones on the rocky shores of my mind,
they crumble into silt onto the fields i've built,
(haven't figured out how to finish it)