I noticed this a couple of times in my life. I have some unattractive traits which are unpleasant when other people realize them. I don't think they are very severe but people perceive them a little bit anti-social (but I think the term would be an exaggeration I cannot find the right word). I experienced domestic violence for over a decade as child and teenager and I was severely bullied at school. This left a lot of scars and let me become in some ways a bad person.
I think one thing that is quite stupid. I am unfriendly. I really struggle with that. Maybe that is a sign for a mild form of autism but I struggle with social rituals. They annoy me. I like to break the expectation of the people around me/friends and breaking social norms can be funny. But I think I am just pretty stupid and people wonder about such behavior. I don't do this often. And I tried to reduce this very much. If you don't take part in some core social interactions you will be perceived as very social awkard. And I made huge progress in this instance.
I have to remind myself of not being judgmental. Sometimes I am too judgemental when I lack experience with someone else's situation. One girl I was close with and almost had a relationship with disliked that I was judgemental on the unemployed boyfriend of my sister. I disliked him a lot (not because of his unemployment) and maybe said some stupid things. It is ironic that I will die because of poverty. However I was raised in a very very toxic family. I think they trained me to become judgemental. For the whole ton of abuse I have been through I am a good person. I was beaten up from age 7 till 15 almost every single day. I was shouted at, cried due to it and got beaten up for crying too much. I developed OCD and was beaten up for OCD behavior. The whole thing was very sick. In school I was bullied for being obese (maybe mom overfed me) and with OCD I was an easy target for bullying. I read stories of other people. And I think many people with a similar background of mine become criminals and force their pain on others. Gladly I never did that. The only person that I will intentionally hurt is myself. Sadly because it is necessary in case there is no way for a peaceful suicide for me.
Furthermore my parents raised me to be selfish. And I am still that till today. I think another reason for my unattractive traits is the following. Life was extremely harsh to me. I have been through extreme shit. And I have become extremely harsh on myself. I am extremely disciplined. And sometimes I lack the empathy for people with less discipline. I sometimers cannpot understand people in such circumstances. I think in general I am a very agitated person with a huge drive to do things. I have to force myself to give me breaks otherwise my mind would be busy with things 24/7.
I am too direct to people. I know a bipolar girl who is ruining her life because she is too delusional to recognize her destructive behavior. I think I was way more patient than most people. I really am others were annoyed after a short time. But I was a little bit rude to her recently. I wanted her to realize that she needs medication if she wants to be stable over a long time but she is just not listening.
Okay now to another very unattractive trait. I worship intelligence way too much. I think my therapist disliked some remarks of mine. I think he perceived me as judgmental to less educated people. I think the bullying played a major role in that. I was bullied for being stupid and not educated enough. I changed myself diametrically and worked very hard to become educated. I hate myself for worshipping intelligence so much. It is very insular and self-absorbed but I cannot change it. I barely have self-confidence otherwise. And I am extremely obsessed how other people perceive me.
I think all these things are unpleasant. But it could have gotten even worse.
I think one thing that is quite stupid. I am unfriendly. I really struggle with that. Maybe that is a sign for a mild form of autism but I struggle with social rituals. They annoy me. I like to break the expectation of the people around me/friends and breaking social norms can be funny. But I think I am just pretty stupid and people wonder about such behavior. I don't do this often. And I tried to reduce this very much. If you don't take part in some core social interactions you will be perceived as very social awkard. And I made huge progress in this instance.
I have to remind myself of not being judgmental. Sometimes I am too judgemental when I lack experience with someone else's situation. One girl I was close with and almost had a relationship with disliked that I was judgemental on the unemployed boyfriend of my sister. I disliked him a lot (not because of his unemployment) and maybe said some stupid things. It is ironic that I will die because of poverty. However I was raised in a very very toxic family. I think they trained me to become judgemental. For the whole ton of abuse I have been through I am a good person. I was beaten up from age 7 till 15 almost every single day. I was shouted at, cried due to it and got beaten up for crying too much. I developed OCD and was beaten up for OCD behavior. The whole thing was very sick. In school I was bullied for being obese (maybe mom overfed me) and with OCD I was an easy target for bullying. I read stories of other people. And I think many people with a similar background of mine become criminals and force their pain on others. Gladly I never did that. The only person that I will intentionally hurt is myself. Sadly because it is necessary in case there is no way for a peaceful suicide for me.
Furthermore my parents raised me to be selfish. And I am still that till today. I think another reason for my unattractive traits is the following. Life was extremely harsh to me. I have been through extreme shit. And I have become extremely harsh on myself. I am extremely disciplined. And sometimes I lack the empathy for people with less discipline. I sometimers cannpot understand people in such circumstances. I think in general I am a very agitated person with a huge drive to do things. I have to force myself to give me breaks otherwise my mind would be busy with things 24/7.
I am too direct to people. I know a bipolar girl who is ruining her life because she is too delusional to recognize her destructive behavior. I think I was way more patient than most people. I really am others were annoyed after a short time. But I was a little bit rude to her recently. I wanted her to realize that she needs medication if she wants to be stable over a long time but she is just not listening.
Okay now to another very unattractive trait. I worship intelligence way too much. I think my therapist disliked some remarks of mine. I think he perceived me as judgmental to less educated people. I think the bullying played a major role in that. I was bullied for being stupid and not educated enough. I changed myself diametrically and worked very hard to become educated. I hate myself for worshipping intelligence so much. It is very insular and self-absorbed but I cannot change it. I barely have self-confidence otherwise. And I am extremely obsessed how other people perceive me.
I think all these things are unpleasant. But it could have gotten even worse.
