greywings
floating; sinking
- Mar 4, 2022
- 23
I really just don't have another place to vent about all this. And that in of itself is one of the hardest parts about feeling this way.
I'll save the life story baggage for some other thread but it's just, so hard not being able to tell the people important to me in my life about how bad I'm feeling, and wanting to die. I can't say that having someone to talk to, unafraid of their judgment, reactions, or having to be sent somewhere again, would even change my mind...so much would have to happen to change my mind... but I feel like even people like us should be able to get some relief in the day-to-day while we're here. I'm committed to dying on my own terms, specifically to not have to suffer any more, it's not like I want to die for fun or finding any pleasure my situation.
I've been that friend who will listen to anything, always, unfazed. Even when my friends have come to me with darker thoughts I don't mind, but I can't feel that it'd be okay to talk to them about the way I feel. I listen to their suicide jokes or dark humor and I never know how to react because I can't just full on laugh at what I find funny, or be honest about actually feeling those things. I see acquaintances just put stuff like that out there with their whole chest about how they were depressed or nearly died and making jokes. Will laughing with them make it seem like I don't care? Saying stuff like it's relatable...is this some kind of frickin test?? I don't want to tell every stranger and their pet about my ideations. It's not everyone's business on a platform where anyone could identify me! Where so much of talking about that stuff could be reported with its terms of service. And I just...hate having to avoid the subject like this. I hate lying more, it's just...it's doable but it's diffcult, and even if I did hesitation might give it away. Like, even my practiced habit of saying things I'd like to do "maybe next year" is hard because honestly, I don't want to be here that long!
I told one friend the one time I tried to kill myself years ago where I quite nearly was going to be successful because he was the only one I could consistently trade humor with or have some lengthy, insightful discussions with without being judged for maybe having opposing stances but he was still pretty upset about it, and I just...I don't know. I was in an awful spot. I hated being alone. I didn't specifically ask for permission but I wanted to feel like it was okay for me to go when it was that bad. That I could still...be loved and better, know that they would be okay and I could be forgotten. That I could let go. But he wasn't happy of course and talked me out of it. I wanted to die, though I didn't want to die there..but while my situation improved, I still wanted to die, and with things taking such a dip again it's just so hard. I wish I'd kept my mouth shut or gone some faster way.
I like my friends a lot, and in a perfect world I'd want to spend my whole life near and around them. But if someone told me they wanted to die I would like...listen? I would understand. I've been there, I am there, and I wouldn't try to force them to stay...I don't want other people to want to die or feel they have to die. No one should have to feel that way. But I don't want a friend to feel obligated to stick through it for my feelings. I want them to have a home with me, not a prison. But it's a lot, I know. That's a lot of burden to ask someone to take on. Especially since my closer friends also have their own traumas, mentail illnesses, and physical illnesses to cope with like I do. I know they wouldn't do well if I died. The part of me that tells me I'm valuing myself too highly says I shouldn't assume things would just fall apart for them without me...but they've said things about me staying or not dying without me even talking about this stuff just from us passing by some comment by someone online or reading some story that mentions death like that and it's just... This is a lot to carry alone too. Being in my living space I'm alone for many reasons, despite having roommates. Being with my friends I'm alone because of the things I can't share. I don't like it. It just... I don't ever plan on telling them even when I'm sure I'm going. But also, not having any warning for them...makes me feel bad too. It sucks!
I also wish therapy wasn't so tough to find, or scary. I don't make a ton but I make the most in my living situation, and I'm scared that seeking help might put me through any amount of time at some facility again like the last time I really opened up about my hopelessness and "prior, not current desrie to die" and "thinking that the situation I'm in won't improve." I talked because I wanted help. I had just gone through that wasted attempt but, I wanted to have any direction any way on how I could get away from my family. But I just, got put somewhere without my friends or the net around folks who didn't care or couldn't give me the right medicine as prescribed. I never want to deal with a place like that, and honestly, the thought of being committed, losing too much time, losing my job.... that's so much. I don't want to take anyone down with me when I have to go, or because I want to go!
That bad therapy run was around six years back. I finally worked up the courage to get some therapy anyway this year, but the first doctor I got wouldn't even respond to me trying to me asking what pronouns i should use, and seemed to misunderstand the app's appointment system, and the last one I tried on it kept copy pasting questions in their answers, like they were just following a guidebook or taking it from someone else... I had picked them because they seemed the most legit with their own physical practice but.... it just seemed so fake. No one was really hearing me, and not even someone getting paid to listen would do it.
It hurts a lot.
I'll save the life story baggage for some other thread but it's just, so hard not being able to tell the people important to me in my life about how bad I'm feeling, and wanting to die. I can't say that having someone to talk to, unafraid of their judgment, reactions, or having to be sent somewhere again, would even change my mind...so much would have to happen to change my mind... but I feel like even people like us should be able to get some relief in the day-to-day while we're here. I'm committed to dying on my own terms, specifically to not have to suffer any more, it's not like I want to die for fun or finding any pleasure my situation.
I've been that friend who will listen to anything, always, unfazed. Even when my friends have come to me with darker thoughts I don't mind, but I can't feel that it'd be okay to talk to them about the way I feel. I listen to their suicide jokes or dark humor and I never know how to react because I can't just full on laugh at what I find funny, or be honest about actually feeling those things. I see acquaintances just put stuff like that out there with their whole chest about how they were depressed or nearly died and making jokes. Will laughing with them make it seem like I don't care? Saying stuff like it's relatable...is this some kind of frickin test?? I don't want to tell every stranger and their pet about my ideations. It's not everyone's business on a platform where anyone could identify me! Where so much of talking about that stuff could be reported with its terms of service. And I just...hate having to avoid the subject like this. I hate lying more, it's just...it's doable but it's diffcult, and even if I did hesitation might give it away. Like, even my practiced habit of saying things I'd like to do "maybe next year" is hard because honestly, I don't want to be here that long!
I told one friend the one time I tried to kill myself years ago where I quite nearly was going to be successful because he was the only one I could consistently trade humor with or have some lengthy, insightful discussions with without being judged for maybe having opposing stances but he was still pretty upset about it, and I just...I don't know. I was in an awful spot. I hated being alone. I didn't specifically ask for permission but I wanted to feel like it was okay for me to go when it was that bad. That I could still...be loved and better, know that they would be okay and I could be forgotten. That I could let go. But he wasn't happy of course and talked me out of it. I wanted to die, though I didn't want to die there..but while my situation improved, I still wanted to die, and with things taking such a dip again it's just so hard. I wish I'd kept my mouth shut or gone some faster way.
I like my friends a lot, and in a perfect world I'd want to spend my whole life near and around them. But if someone told me they wanted to die I would like...listen? I would understand. I've been there, I am there, and I wouldn't try to force them to stay...I don't want other people to want to die or feel they have to die. No one should have to feel that way. But I don't want a friend to feel obligated to stick through it for my feelings. I want them to have a home with me, not a prison. But it's a lot, I know. That's a lot of burden to ask someone to take on. Especially since my closer friends also have their own traumas, mentail illnesses, and physical illnesses to cope with like I do. I know they wouldn't do well if I died. The part of me that tells me I'm valuing myself too highly says I shouldn't assume things would just fall apart for them without me...but they've said things about me staying or not dying without me even talking about this stuff just from us passing by some comment by someone online or reading some story that mentions death like that and it's just... This is a lot to carry alone too. Being in my living space I'm alone for many reasons, despite having roommates. Being with my friends I'm alone because of the things I can't share. I don't like it. It just... I don't ever plan on telling them even when I'm sure I'm going. But also, not having any warning for them...makes me feel bad too. It sucks!
I also wish therapy wasn't so tough to find, or scary. I don't make a ton but I make the most in my living situation, and I'm scared that seeking help might put me through any amount of time at some facility again like the last time I really opened up about my hopelessness and "prior, not current desrie to die" and "thinking that the situation I'm in won't improve." I talked because I wanted help. I had just gone through that wasted attempt but, I wanted to have any direction any way on how I could get away from my family. But I just, got put somewhere without my friends or the net around folks who didn't care or couldn't give me the right medicine as prescribed. I never want to deal with a place like that, and honestly, the thought of being committed, losing too much time, losing my job.... that's so much. I don't want to take anyone down with me when I have to go, or because I want to go!
That bad therapy run was around six years back. I finally worked up the courage to get some therapy anyway this year, but the first doctor I got wouldn't even respond to me trying to me asking what pronouns i should use, and seemed to misunderstand the app's appointment system, and the last one I tried on it kept copy pasting questions in their answers, like they were just following a guidebook or taking it from someone else... I had picked them because they seemed the most legit with their own physical practice but.... it just seemed so fake. No one was really hearing me, and not even someone getting paid to listen would do it.
It hurts a lot.
