This is purely a stream of consciousness vent, so apologies in advance for the lack of logical flow (it's also past 1am here, so that won't help!). Not necessarily looking for help with this one, just want to write into the void.
I've just tried calling the Samaritans (UK 24/7 support helpline), and after a long time waiting I finally got through. But then, after only saying two sentences, I hung up and just sat quietly crying. I've struggled with depression for most of my life, but I am currently at my lowest. If there's anything below this, I wouldn't survive it. Honestly, I'm barely surviving this as it is. Up until now I've lived a life with no regrets at all, but in the space of barely two days earlier in February regret is now all I have. I need to return to work on Thursday, but don't know how I'm going to cope. I'm a teacher (adult students), and the thought of smiling small talk with my students makes me feel physically sick. They are going to ask if I'm okay (I informed them of a serious incident forcing me to take an extended period of time off work) - what do I say? Do I tell them the truth? Do I explain what has happened? They're bound to see the change in my appearance. I haven't shaved in weeks, I've lost weight. That's all without even considering the impact this incident has had on my intelligence (that sounds really wanky and pretentious I know lol but I'm being serious, it's like my brain has shut down). I teach languages, but now the prospect of having to use my brain to teach a French class or whatever doesn't seem realistic to me. Can I even remember how to speak French? I'll find out at the start of the class I guess? And then there's the return to my PhD scheduled for the end of May (assuming my leave of absence is allowed, gotta love British unis and their refusal to get stuff done quickly), how will the fallout of what has happened affect my performance there? And the same questions - do I inform my supervisors exactly what has happened? They know a police report has been filed and that I've moved home, so they're aware that it's serious.
Before all that though, there's the funeral. Part of me thinks his family won't tell me when it will be, and that same part of me wouldn't blame them. It was me trying to end the relationship that caused all of this. What would I say to them? How can I stand next to his mother knowing that my actions inadvertently resulted in her son's death? I know I will cry, and cry hard - will they think I'm being too much? A massive part of me hopes one of the family members takes it upon themselves to kill me there and then. I wouldn't fight or struggle. Just wipe me out and let me be with him again, to hold him and apologise for everything. Or would/should he apologise to me? After all, it was his actions that landed me here. I feel a deep, overwhelming sadness for him, but nonetheless I cannot help but acknowledge the sting of cruelty in what he has done. I want to be angry and hate him for this, but I love him too much. It just pains me that it's taken this for me to realise just how special and important he was to me.
In a previous post I said that I will give myself around 3 months to decide on whether or not to CTB. But now I've set my date as the start of April (assuming my SN arrives before then, of course). This date would've been our anniversary. It's awfully cheesy I know, like something out of a shitty romance novel. If anything, the cheesiness of it all is what will make me delay it! The more I think about my current chosen date, the more I roll my eyes at the theatricality of it. I only wish that he had instead watched me walk away, continued flourishing in his life, growing and succeeding without me, and then laugh in my face when I returned to grovel and beg for him back. I'm already doing that last part as it is. Begging any god, the universe... I'd pray to the Easter Bunny if I thought it would work. But he's not coming back, is he? I wonder when I'll stop seeing a car pull-up outside and think it's him? When will I stop expecting to see his name whenever my phone buzzes? I would do anything to right my wrongs, to bring him back. Absolutely anything.
...
I feel much calmer after having written this. Hopefully I can sleep, but these OTC sleeping pills aren't even making me drowsy.
If you've read all of this: 1) You have way too much time on your hands! and 2) I hope you're doing well tonight.
TLDR: Jesus everything sucks; I need my SN to arrive safely ASAP; the universe is powerless to help us; love really does a number on your mind
I've just tried calling the Samaritans (UK 24/7 support helpline), and after a long time waiting I finally got through. But then, after only saying two sentences, I hung up and just sat quietly crying. I've struggled with depression for most of my life, but I am currently at my lowest. If there's anything below this, I wouldn't survive it. Honestly, I'm barely surviving this as it is. Up until now I've lived a life with no regrets at all, but in the space of barely two days earlier in February regret is now all I have. I need to return to work on Thursday, but don't know how I'm going to cope. I'm a teacher (adult students), and the thought of smiling small talk with my students makes me feel physically sick. They are going to ask if I'm okay (I informed them of a serious incident forcing me to take an extended period of time off work) - what do I say? Do I tell them the truth? Do I explain what has happened? They're bound to see the change in my appearance. I haven't shaved in weeks, I've lost weight. That's all without even considering the impact this incident has had on my intelligence (that sounds really wanky and pretentious I know lol but I'm being serious, it's like my brain has shut down). I teach languages, but now the prospect of having to use my brain to teach a French class or whatever doesn't seem realistic to me. Can I even remember how to speak French? I'll find out at the start of the class I guess? And then there's the return to my PhD scheduled for the end of May (assuming my leave of absence is allowed, gotta love British unis and their refusal to get stuff done quickly), how will the fallout of what has happened affect my performance there? And the same questions - do I inform my supervisors exactly what has happened? They know a police report has been filed and that I've moved home, so they're aware that it's serious.
Before all that though, there's the funeral. Part of me thinks his family won't tell me when it will be, and that same part of me wouldn't blame them. It was me trying to end the relationship that caused all of this. What would I say to them? How can I stand next to his mother knowing that my actions inadvertently resulted in her son's death? I know I will cry, and cry hard - will they think I'm being too much? A massive part of me hopes one of the family members takes it upon themselves to kill me there and then. I wouldn't fight or struggle. Just wipe me out and let me be with him again, to hold him and apologise for everything. Or would/should he apologise to me? After all, it was his actions that landed me here. I feel a deep, overwhelming sadness for him, but nonetheless I cannot help but acknowledge the sting of cruelty in what he has done. I want to be angry and hate him for this, but I love him too much. It just pains me that it's taken this for me to realise just how special and important he was to me.
In a previous post I said that I will give myself around 3 months to decide on whether or not to CTB. But now I've set my date as the start of April (assuming my SN arrives before then, of course). This date would've been our anniversary. It's awfully cheesy I know, like something out of a shitty romance novel. If anything, the cheesiness of it all is what will make me delay it! The more I think about my current chosen date, the more I roll my eyes at the theatricality of it. I only wish that he had instead watched me walk away, continued flourishing in his life, growing and succeeding without me, and then laugh in my face when I returned to grovel and beg for him back. I'm already doing that last part as it is. Begging any god, the universe... I'd pray to the Easter Bunny if I thought it would work. But he's not coming back, is he? I wonder when I'll stop seeing a car pull-up outside and think it's him? When will I stop expecting to see his name whenever my phone buzzes? I would do anything to right my wrongs, to bring him back. Absolutely anything.
...
I feel much calmer after having written this. Hopefully I can sleep, but these OTC sleeping pills aren't even making me drowsy.
If you've read all of this: 1) You have way too much time on your hands! and 2) I hope you're doing well tonight.
TLDR: Jesus everything sucks; I need my SN to arrive safely ASAP; the universe is powerless to help us; love really does a number on your mind
