Venting Need to get this off my chest

[InsidiousDormouse]

It's been two years since my horrific forced Benzo cold turkey.

I don't cry anymore, this experience has left me with a very weathered, stoic resolve.

Husband's attitude stinks, he has tried and failed to set up an online business, he wanted a fucking 14k a year income from that shit, not realistic, now he has to face facts and go back to work. He was had by these YouTube people promising overnight riches. Best part about it? He didn't even copy what he thought they were doing, he did his own ludicrous idea and it failed in spectacular fashion.

He has not sold ONE item.

I suppose he thinks I am to blame for this, I probably am, I know better, I know how the internet works.

I cannot talk to him about this website, it is costing a lot of money to run it, way more than most people would pay for a website. If I dare to bring it up, I am met with fire and brimstone.

I am so tired and unwell now, it's like I can feel my body rotting from the inside out.

I have to keep on facing the agency who partly did this to me every month in order to maintain the subutex script they put me on. Why do I bother? Why don't I just CTB now? I don't have a reliable method, I am struggling to pull that off because I can't leave my house most of the time, I am crippled by pain in my right leg that stops me walking far, my pelvis area really hurts on the left side, and I bleed randomly. I think it's a cyst on my ovary, but the doctors just patronised me and offered me codeine for my leg, the same shit that put me on the addiction path, and despite the fact I am on Subutex.

You don't know what I would give to be able to walk into town today, to go and visit someone, to look round the shops, to just sit and have a coffee, all that's been taken away from me.

I think the Subutex has also done this to me, changed something in my brain and it's keeping good company with the decay and disarray going on inside me.

I actually want to come off that shit and go back on Codeine, that didn't rot my teeth and it may help with some of the pain I am in all the time.

This stuff is why I come here, I can say these things, like about the website and nobody will shout at me or call me or tell me how wrong I am etc etc.

On top of all this, there is someone I miss terribly. He was like a passing ship in the night, I missed my chance and I beat myself up for it every day. If it were not for how things were at the time, about three years ago, and I'd played my cards right, I could have had a chance with him and left husband behind to lead his lonely life by himself, by his own doing.

I hope in a parallel universe I chose different words to this guy on the day after I accidentally ODed on phenibut, benzos and codeine, he talked to me after this, when husband decided to go to a hotel rather than deal with what had just happened. This guy talked to me online, it didn't phase him, I knew his entire family, such nice people, all lost to benzo withdrawal like all my other friends. Gah, fuck, now this is upsetting me, I must stop.

I have lost so much, I keep on losing stuff, I really, really want this to be done now, it all ends when my life does, I must lose my life in order not to lose anything else, if this makes any sense to anyone here?.

 

[CJM]

Personally think you should tell your husband you ain't happy and call it quits.

There are a lot of people around here who are cut up about their spouses ditching them for someone else.

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

I'm also reeling a bit with rejection after losing someone I think could have been great for me to a superior male, though she's barely 21 and he not even an adult, but seemed much more grown up than me, suffered much more than I have at the hands of a shitty father. I was the "victim" of an alcoholic mother but she loved me to a fault just the same, my father was gentle too, very loving, perhaps I suffer from spoiled entitled child itis and I have been like your husband though recently on my own after my mother died, I mooched off of her and she remained comfortably codependent with me after my father died, she stayed sober but only because I was around and she was getting so damned frail by then.

The only drug I have had some sense of humanity with is low doses of DXM, but it's temporary. But for a time, if the planets are in alignment and all that too, i.e. good set and setting, sleep, I can feel quite happy, and enjoy talking to people. The person I lost was a theistic Satanist in the Joy of Satan tradition but I'm still quite mired in traditional viewpoints and superstious due to my upbringing, obviously Christianity did little good for my mother in her tragic life, though ironically I was the force that got my parents to stop going to church. My dad got to sleep more from the two jobs he was working, he had his own victim mentality I think, and my mother, though a bit saddened with the renewed existential angst that I had introduced into her life, complied after unsuccessful attempts to get me to go. I just wasn't comfortable, it did not make me happy, I felt like an outsider.

So I don't know, I still hope and think if I get my biochemistry right everything else will fall into place. Still, there's so many who judge when one relies on medications, and often they are spiritual types of people with authoritarian views. "If you don't do things our way, goodbye." I'm tired of living in such a judgmental world, but at the same time, I realize how shitty and weak I have been. If I live out of my car or go homeless someday, at least I might lose some weight and DXM might help me rebuild a sense of social normalcy in society as I don't have the "luxury" of privacy. It's a good thing for those who know how to use it. I just isolate and withdraw from accountability further in my little online fantasy world. Crazy times, just crazy.

Sorry to thread jack a bit, no DXM tonight, though admittedly it makes me manic but not in a depressive way like I am tonight. I wish you the best and same to your spouse, whenever you guys end up, near or far, I wish you love, light, peace, sorry to virtue signal. I can't offer a lot else right now I feel. I am determine to fall on my own if I fall, and for it to make me stronger. I never have had to stand on my own two feet, and well, like in that movie "Slaughterhouse Five" from 1972, sink or swim time is sooner for me than it's ever been, and I don't know which way I'll go. Maybe karma and reincarnation are the real things, and I'll get it right in another life. But I'll try to kick my own ass and push this tired vessel a bit further, preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. Damnit I'm stupid and stubborn but I'm a fighter. You and your husband better be too, I hope, whether you stay together or separate. In the end it's our choices, not others, which determine our fates, though admittedly if one is attacked physically or some such thing that's a bit different.

Sorry, manic rambling, rough day emotionally. But I feel so aliveeeeeee yay mania!

 

[InsidiousDormouse]

Thanks, and no worries, I enjoy reading all your replies, please don't say sorry for any of them lol.

The main reason for me being here is, and always will be, my health.

If I were well enough, I'd find a way out of this miserable situation, but I am not. I can barely walk and the pain in my pelvis and leg is really bad at the moment.

I stretched my legs out the other morning just after I woke up and it felt like something was ripping on the left side of my pelvis/abdomen.

My guess is it is a cyst on my ovary that hasn't gone away, probably big enough to press on a nerve, thus causing the pain in my right leg somehow.

Doctor didn't even want to do a basic ultrasound test, they're not bothered about me. I am being pressured (or it feels like he is anyway) to get a coil fitted by S/O, as I can't tolerate hormones. That'll probably finish me, I don't want that done without finding out wtf is going on inside me.

That got delayed because the only doctor at our surgery who does it calls me a heroin addict whenever I see them, so I am not letting them touch me.

I don't know if this is Benzo withdrawal or something else, it feels very specific though, like the pain is coming from something in situ, in my fucking useless uterus/reproductive system.

I don't want to have tests done and have these tests show nothing up, which is what happens 99.9% of the time, then they just look at me gone out and remind me that I won't be getting any pain medications and to basically fuck off and stop wasting their time.

Well soon they won't have to worry about that, I don't intend to live very long. I could easily have done it yesterday if I had had the fucking means, I really had enough yesterday. I thought about throwing myself off a bridge but I don't want to go that way, I don't want the fuss and to cause others distress, I want to go out how I came into this world, on my own, and this time around, on my own terms.

Some weird instinct keeps telling me I should tell someone, I should try and sort it out, but I am not going to. I have tried this route before, it lands up in a vicious circle of me lying about the true reasons and making up some cock and bull story to explain it away in order to maintain normality (the sorry state of my home situation, not wanting to live in this house anymore, unhappy relationship etc etc). I have 'sorted it out' numerous times now and still nobody knows the true reasons for any of it. Even almost 10 years of addiction never revealed these reasons, I just dug myself deeper into the mess and stole away my health, and without your health, you're not going to get much out of life.

I could fix these reasons, I could try to begin my life again or whatever, but in reality, I'd still be contending with over 30 physical symptoms and chronic, persistent pain in various parts of my ravaged body every single day, day in, day out, nothing on Earth will fix this.

I won't ever say what really drove me to addiction and into this mess, I can't. If I do, it would rip up the last shreds of anything close to a life I have left. I may as well enjoy the last few months knowing at least when I CTB, it will finally be fixed once and for all.

It's not one particular reason, it's a couple of big ones and a lot of small ones.

 

[Sayo]

I hope you don't end up having to capitulate to reproductive and sexual pressure imposed by your husband, if you have the will to resist. A coil definitely sounds like a bad idea. My heart breaks when I read your posts, I always remember both your health problems (also a benzo withdrawal case) and your terrible husband.

Birth control is his problem too, if you even want to be sleeping with him. He sounds disgusting and pathetic.

I understand from experience that in these situations sometimes there's not much you can do and it's easier than being pressured or the potential for escalation.

I'm sorry that your medical providers ignore and stigmatise you and insult you. It is extra cruel to blame you like you are manipulating them when in reality many things are hard to diagnose or even capture with tests. It really gets me how they contributed to your problems and ignore you even more because of them. It's not uncommon - I left my hometown because of medical abuse - but I know you don't have as many means to escape it. And I understand what you mean too by, even if the other things were fixed, at the end of the day your health is your quality of your life.

If I recall correctly, he monitors your financial transactions as well as the things that come into the house, right? I know I am just an outsider reading your vent posts, but it really sounds like he uses your suicidality as a pretext to extend control rather than genuinely help you.

Are you able to stash any money? Is he the kind of man who even knows what things cost? No matter what you choose, escaping the financial/economic abuse will set you up to do what you want as you've expressed, on your own terms.

 

[InsidiousDormouse]

I hope you don't end up having to capitulate to reproductive and sexual pressure imposed by your husband, if you have the will to resist. A coil definitely sounds like a bad idea. My heart breaks when I read your posts, I always remember both your health problems (also a benzo withdrawal case) and your terrible husband.

Birth control is his problem too, if you even want to be sleeping with him. He sounds disgusting and pathetic.

I understand from experience that in these situations sometimes there's not much you can do and it's easier than being pressured or the potential for escalation.

I'm sorry that your medical providers ignore and stigmatise you and insult you. It is extra cruel to blame you like you are manipulating them when in reality many things are hard to diagnose or even capture with tests. It really gets me how they contributed to your problems and ignore you even more because of them. It's not uncommon - I left my hometown because of medical abuse - but I know you don't have as many means to escape it. And I understand what you mean too by, even if the other things were fixed, at the end of the day your health is your quality of your life.

If I recall correctly, he monitors your financial transactions as well as the things that come into the house, right? I know I am just an outsider reading your vent posts, but it really sounds like he uses your suicidality as a pretext to extend control rather than genuinely help you.

Are you able to stash any money? Is he the kind of man who even knows what things cost? No matter what you choose, escaping the financial/economic abuse will set you up to do what you want as you've expressed, on your own terms.

It's not that, he has no idea about my plan to end my life, it's this ridicules fear he has about me 'using drugs' again that drives that. I refuse to account for every penny anymore, I don't need to. He hasn't asked for a while so.

This is not the biggest problem, the biggest barrier to life I have is my failing health, the pain, the constant movement sensation inside my body, that is what's behind my wanting to ctb, if I wanted out of this situation that badly, I'd find a way out, I've given up.

He's not been THAT horrific to me recently to be honest, he is too wrapped up in this failed business plan of his.

I don't know where it all began to go wrong, I think it's been wrong from the start, I've tried to cover this up by abusing drugs etc. Now I am not doing that, I've started to realise the same shit that put me in that place is still very much a reality every single day.

My failed health is the reason I have this plan for ending my life though, I can't live with it anymore. Sigh.

 

[InsidiousDormouse]

As for the coil thing, I am not averse to it, as I'd much prefer it over a baby, and it may cause me more problems in that area and actually force someone to investigate the cause of my pain and other problems, so double edged sword?.

It also gives me piece of mind that I won't be having anyone's baby anytime soon! Fuck that.

 

[lv-gras]

well if you ever decide you want to get out or get some space whether you ctb or not,

https://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/domestic-violence-disabilities/

wishing best wishes for you

and fuck that reproductive shit he's pulling on you, and that doctor is dick

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

Thanks, and no worries, I enjoy reading all your replies, please don't say sorry for any of them lol.

The main reason for me being here is, and always will be, my health.

If I were well enough, I'd find a way out of this miserable situation, but I am not. I can barely walk and the pain in my pelvis and leg is really bad at the moment.

I stretched my legs out the other morning just after I woke up and it felt like something was ripping on the left side of my pelvis/abdomen.

My guess is it is a cyst on my ovary that hasn't gone away, probably big enough to press on a nerve, thus causing the pain in my right leg somehow.

Doctor didn't even want to do a basic ultrasound test, they're not bothered about me. I am being pressured (or it feels like he is anyway) to get a coil fitted by S/O, as I can't tolerate hormones. That'll probably finish me, I don't want that done without finding out wtf is going on inside me.

That got delayed because the only doctor at our surgery who does it calls me a heroin addict whenever I see them, so I am not letting them touch me.

I don't know if this is Benzo withdrawal or something else, it feels very specific though, like the pain is coming from something in situ, in my fucking useless uterus/reproductive system.

I don't want to have tests done and have these tests show nothing up, which is what happens 99.9% of the time, then they just look at me gone out and remind me that I won't be getting any pain medications and to basically fuck off and stop wasting their time.

Well soon they won't have to worry about that, I don't intend to live very long. I could easily have done it yesterday if I had had the fucking means, I really had enough yesterday. I thought about throwing myself off a bridge but I don't want to go that way, I don't want the fuss and to cause others distress, I want to go out how I came into this world, on my own, and this time around, on my own terms.

Some weird instinct keeps telling me I should tell someone, I should try and sort it out, but I am not going to. I have tried this route before, it lands up in a vicious circle of me lying about the true reasons and making up some cock and bull story to explain it away in order to maintain normality (the sorry state of my home situation, not wanting to live in this house anymore, unhappy relationship etc etc). I have 'sorted it out' numerous times now and still nobody knows the true reasons for any of it. Even almost 10 years of addiction never revealed these reasons, I just dug myself deeper into the mess and stole away my health, and without your health, you're not going to get much out of life.

I could fix these reasons, I could try to begin my life again or whatever, but in reality, I'd still be contending with over 30 physical symptoms and chronic, persistent pain in various parts of my ravaged body every single day, day in, day out, nothing on Earth will fix this.

I won't ever say what really drove me to addiction and into this mess, I can't. If I do, it would rip up the last shreds of anything close to a life I have left. I may as well enjoy the last few months knowing at least when I CTB, it will finally be fixed once and for all.

It's not one particular reason, it's a couple of big ones and a lot of small ones.

Thank you for reading my rambling mess, and I can only imagine, I'm lucky to be a male in many ways when I read things like this, I'm so sorry *shakes my head and looks down sadly*

If there's anything I can do, just need to vent of course you can always write, though I know it won't help much at this stage. I wish there was more I could do *smiles a bit sadly and hugs* DXM helps with any pain I get from writing and typing all day, but it's not that bad and if it was worse pain I'd have to be tripping on the stuff, so that's no good. Epsom salt baths with lavender relax me but again not much help for pain I'm afraid, that's all I have for pain suggestions, high dose vitamin C seems to help my immunity, but not pain I'm sorry if this is so terribly rudimentary. I'm sorry you're at this point of pain that suicide is the only answer, it's such a sad world people so often ignore.

 

[InsidiousDormouse]

He's not mentioned it for a while, and he could not force me to do anything I assure you.

I am here because of my health, my body, it's left me alone, in a really shit place with no other choices.

I am hanging on by my fingernails while I struggle through the process of trying to hold the addictions treatment place to account for doing this to me. I am not going out of this world without making some kind of a stand against this place.

It could be any one of you guys next, your family, your kids, who simply needs some advice about a medication or bad habit who lands up losing their entire existence to being forced off something like benzos with no help, no proper detox, no substitute prescription etc.

I cannot let it be that this may happen again to someone who's resolve isn't as strong as me, maybe someone who doesn't want to die. They'll go to that place thinking they will be helped, and then they'll face what I did, perhaps they'll have more to lose than me, kids, a job, abilities etc (many people going through benzo withdrawal cannot drive, cannot work, cannot eat, cannot even walk most days). People lose their entire lives to this.

Some people have seizures and suffer lasting brain damage as a result of going cold turkey from Benzos.

If I can stop just one person from having to go through this, then my job is done.

I wish I'd gone to a fucking dealer and bought the stuff off the streets, yeah husband would have gone, no real loss there to be brutally honest, but it would have bought me enough time to work this out and find proper help.

After that, I will leave this world, my body will stop feeling like every single cell inside is vibrating, my tinnitus will finally be silent, and if there is an afterlife, I will be able to tell my stepdad how sorry I am for being so horrible to him when I was a kid, and my biological dad how much I missed him having to grow up without him.

I promised my stepdad when he was in the hospital really ill in the last days of his cancer that I would sort myself out by whatever means necessary. Obviously he thought rehab, treatment etc, but that's what did this to me. The very 'treatment' that is supposed to save lives, has taken and destroyed mine.

I have tried and tried to rebuild things but the more I try, the more non existent energy I use trying, the sicker and weaker my body becomes.

I can just about do my daily chores around the house and walk my dog, any more than that leaves me bedridden with horrendous sensations of electricity and pain running through my body.

When I get my period, the pain is so bad now I actually pass out and sometimes vomit from it. It used to be bad, but not THIS bad.

I put up with all this alone, nobody helps me with any of it.

This is not muscle pain, this is neurological, nerve type pain, like a cracked tooth, but in your entire body. My skin burns cold like it's covered in menthol, my bones feel as if someone is shattering them with a hammer over and over again, day in, day out. It's not like having an injury where the doctor tells you what to expect and how long to expect it for, this never heals.

I can't take vitamins as they make the symptoms worse, I can't exercise as it makes the symptoms worse, I have to be deadly careful what I eat and drink as the wrong thing can make me feel like I did the first month off the stuff.

I feel like I have been thrown in prison for a crime I did not commit, and then thrown into solitary confinement in the hole and forgotten about.

Nobody believes you when you tell them either.