Venting Need to die but not allowed yet

[timetodie24]

feel ready for ctb. It's over a year from my last attempt (it was a pathetic attempt before I properly researched methods) as wanted to make sure this time I was fully prepared, planned and making this my final one and successful.

The only thing stopping me is the rules. I was supposed to ctb last October but (long story) I didn't. So that messed up the system. I'm living when im supposed to be dead so now my loves ones are at risk and could die instead of me. So I have to follow rules, use codes and self-harm to protect them from getting ill and injured. Then eventually ctb before one of them dies in my place. So I'm waiting for the code and message that tells me my ctb date. If I get it wrong, someone I care about will die. So I have to wait but im really sick of life. wish I could get it over with but it will put others at risk. people are out to get me in mean time .

 

[allthatimsaying]

So I'm waiting for the code and message that tells me my ctb date.

Seems interesting. Who will send it to you?

 

[timetodie24]

Seems interesting. Who will send it to you?

Not a person but the system. The message will be put in my mind .

 

[timetodie24]

feel ready for ctb. It's over a year from my last attempt (it was a pathetic attempt before I properly researched methods) as wanted to make sure this time I was fully prepared, planned and making this my final one and successful.

The only thing stopping me is the rules. I was supposed to ctb last October but (long story) I didn't. So that messed up the system. I'm living when im supposed to be dead so now my loves ones are at risk and could die instead of me. So I have to follow rules, use codes and self-harm to protect them from getting ill and injured. Then eventually ctb before one of them dies in my place. So I'm waiting for the code and message that tells me my ctb date. If I get it wrong, someone I care about will die. So I have to wait but im really sick of life. wish I could get it over with but it will put others at risk. people are out to get me in mean time.

Still no sign today and so tempted to just go for it. But the system won't let me

 

[mortuarymary]

I dont understand

 

[timetodie24]

I dont understand

Sorry. Probably explained it badly but not really sure what else I could say

 

[mortuarymary]

It's the rules you are going on about.

 

[timetodie24]

It's the rules you are going on about.

I'm not sure that this will make any more sense as it's complicated.
But basically I didn't die on the day I was supposed to. So now someone else (it will be someone i care about ) is going to die in my place. But the system has given me a chance to put things right, to protect others, that person won't die first if I follow certain rules. Won't go into them all but the rules are things like - no planning for a future, don't contact mental health services and to Ctb on a specific date (but I haven't been given the date yet). If i follow these rules then the people I care about will be ok and ctb will be successful for me.

 

[mortuarymary]

So let me get this straight
You were meant to die but you didn't, so because of that someone else takes your place and as got to die?
Do You want to die to save these people or live?

 

[EyesOfNight]

Is the system someone or multiple people giving you instructions from outside or inside your body?

 

[timetodie24]

So let me get this straight
You were meant to die but you didn't, so because of that someone else takes your place and as got to die?
Do You want to die to save these people or live?

Yes. I have to die on specific date to save them. But that isn't the only reason I want to die, have wanted to ctb for a long time before this issue. Have many reasons that I don't want to alive that aren't about other people at all.

Is the system someone or multiple people giving you instructions from outside or inside your body?

I'm not sure. I don't think it's a person, maybe some entity or just a process. Not really sure how I'd describe it.
But it puts the instructions as thoughts in my mind.

 

[d2reason]

Seems like clinically psychotic logic. What is stopping you from CTB today? If it's not a practical obstacle (eg I can't find poison to buy), then what is stopping you from breaking these supposed rules about who dies when?

I mean no offense, but I implore you to consider that these may be mere delusions.

 

[EyesOfNight]

I'm not sure. I don't think it's a person, maybe some entity or just a process. Not really sure how I'd describe it.
But it puts the instructions as thoughts in my mind.

Alright, I think I understand. In another post you said that your life wasn't so bad. If the system wasn't there and didn't give you those instructions and didn't plan on making somebody else die when you don't CTB, would you still want to CTB?

 

[mortuarymary]

Delusional thoughts we can deal with.
no one as to die, something in your head is toying with you, who are they saying they will kill in your place? Family?

 

[timetodie24]

Seems like clinically psychotic logic. What is stopping you from CTB today? If it's not a practical obstacle (eg I can't find poison to buy), then what is stopping you from breaking these supposed rules about who dies when?

I mean no offense, but I implore you to consider that these may be mere delusions.

I'm not psychotic, I've had mental health assessments and they agreed I have no mental illness.

If I do it on the wrong date then the attempt will go wrong in someway, i'll end up failing and making things worse. And it will also mean someone will then die before i get chance to try again. It will be close family or friends who I don't want to watch die knowing it's my fault. It would be very selfish of me.

 

[d2reason]

I'm not psychotic, I've had mental health assessments and they agreed I have no mental illness.

If I do it on the wrong date then the attempt will go wrong in someway, i'll end up failing and making things worse. And it will also mean someone will then die before i get chance to try again. It will be close family or friends who I don't want to watch die knowing it's my fault. It would be very selfish of me.

I'm unclear about the circumstances you're describing.

Certainly a failed attempt — or failing to attempt, depending on how you want to look at it — will degrade your quality of life, and your worry is not misplaced, but in what way would you cause somebody else to die?

 

[d2reason]

Sorry, but you DO have mental health issues.
Everything you are saying sounds insane to me.

I don't disagree with you but with the stigma of "being mental ill", this won't necessarily convince somebody to seek help.

 

[mortuarymary]

It did me

 

[d2reason]

Well, then, the brass tacks are, OP, you're not making any sense. I think a medication like quietapine from a psychiatric professional could do a lot to help you think about things more clearly and be happier.

 

[rozeske]

I'm not psychotic, I've had mental health assessments and they agreed I have no mental illness.

If I do it on the wrong date then the attempt will go wrong in someway, i'll end up failing and making things worse. And it will also mean someone will then die before i get chance to try again. It will be close family or friends who I don't want to watch die knowing it's my fault. It would be very selfish of me.

You definitely should first get mental health assessment and get help before you proceed with your ctb. No mental health professional would declare you have no mental illness after hearing all this story.
Please first talk to a professional.

 

[timetodie24]

Thank you everyone for input .

Eyesofnight - Objectively I have a life that could be seen as 'good' in some ways. I don't have trauma, i have supportive family, my parents still support me financially so I'm very lucky. But i hate myself and life in general. I'm 23, still living with my parents, have 2 degrees yet unemployed, i'm autistic, lonely, ugly isnide and out. Have many reasons to ctb and wanted to before i was worried about others. Have lots of other reasons don't want to go into but permanent things that won't change or be solved. So yes even if others weren't going to die, i would still do it and would actually do it sooner.




I'm not insane and yes stigma won't help. I've had enough stigma. I had depression in past, lots of meds, therapies, spent a month on a psych ward because of severe self-harm too. But none of that made life worth living. Not clinically depressed anymore yet still want to ctb. I appreciate everyone's input but respectfully i'll agree with professional opinion that i'm well and have capacity.
I was going to ctb before all of this anyway so it doesn't matter .
Rozeske - I've had assessments and multiple professionals agree I have no signs of mental illness and don't need help. My GP thought I was possibly depressed but mental health services refused to see me again as they'd already assessed and said they're not concerned (uk NHS so don't get choice). So plenty of people who actually know me agree, who have assessed me and are specialists. So I'd believe them over strangers on internet forum.

Appreciate you all taking time but didn't come to suicide forum for mental health help. Thought this was 1 place people would understand my need to ctb.

 

[EyesOfNight]

Thank you everyone for input .

Eyesofnight - Objectively I have a life that could be seen as 'good' in some ways. I don't have trauma, i have supportive family, my parents still support me financially so I'm very lucky. But i hate myself and life in general. I'm 23, still living with my parents, have 2 degrees yet unemployed, i'm autistic, lonely, ugly isnide and out. Have many reasons to ctb and wanted to before i was worried about others. Have lots of other reasons don't want to go into but permanent things that won't change or be solved. So yes even if others weren't going to die, i would still do it and would actually do it sooner.




I'm not insane and yes stigma won't help. I've had enough stigma. I had depression in past, lots of meds, therapies, spent a month on a psych ward because of severe self-harm too. But none of that made life worth living. Not clinically depressed anymore yet still want to ctb. I appreciate everyone's input but respectfully i'll agree with professional opinion that i'm well and have capacity.
I was going to ctb before all of this anyway so it doesn't matter . Rozeske, I've had assessments and multiple professionals agree I have no signs of mental illness and don't need help. My GP thought I was depressed but mental health services refused to see me as they said they're not concerned (uk NHS so don't get choice). So plenty of people who actually know me agree, who have assessed me and are specialists. So I'd believe them over strangers on internet forum.

Appreciate you all taking time but didn't come to suicide forum for mental health help. Thought this was 1 place people would understand my need to ctb.

Thank you for answering my questions. I really appreciate it. I enjoyed learning a little bit about you. Safe travels friend <3

 

[Dot]

I'm not sure that this will make any more sense as it's complicated.
But basically I didn't die on the day I was supposed to. So now someone else (it will be someone i care about ) is going to die in my place. But the system has given me a chance to put things right, to protect others, that person won't die first if I follow certain rules. Won't go into them all but the rules are things like - no planning for a future, don't contact mental health services and to Ctb on a specific date (but I haven't been given the date yet). If i follow these rules then the people I care about will be ok and ctb will be successful for me.

Dd u dscribe ths specfc systm t/ ur doctr

 

[rozeske]

Appreciate you all taking time but didn't come to suicide forum for mental health help. Thought this was 1 place people would understand my need to ctb.

You are right, it is a place where people talk freely. We are not judging you in any way or diagnosing you with mental illnesses. We are asking you if your doctors know the whole story of the system and what the system is doing to you. You said it your self you want to protect your friends and family. You need to first talk to a professional about all of this before you do any thing because even you are not sure about the system and why they are making you do these things.

 

[timetodie24]

Thank you everyone for your misguided concern . I had assessment from psych nurses and shared all ot the above . They said it was just intrusive thoughts and to ignore them. But they said i have no signs of mental illness . Here is there actual report if you don't believe me.



Despite that I still spoke to GP who said they didn't really understand how it works but that it was probably just intrusive thoughts and low mood. They referred to MH team who I used to be under, they told them exactly what I said and MH team said they have no concerns and see no need for assessment or treatment. They had an MDT with multiple professionals to decide this so it's not just 1 opinion.

Everyone on here is fixating on 'the system'. Maybe that was bad description, sorry . It's more a concept/process not a thing or person. It's not someone or a voice telling me to do things, it's just rules about how the world works. I didn't die when I should have, that goes against nature and the way it works. It was an error of nature/the system/how my life is supposed to go. Errors in nature have consequences, the consequence is someone has to take my place. But because it was my fault, I can fix the error . The rules just govern how i fix that.

I don't get the issue when this isn't my only reason for ctbing anyway. I'd understand the concern if i wanted to live but then felt i had to die because of a voice or something- that would be psychosis and require help. BUT i've explained lot this isn't the case and that i have many reasons for ctb unrelated to this, i joined here long before i had worries about others dying. I have no voices or hallucinations, I'm not delusional. I'm very aware this may sound strange and people don't understand so I do have self-awareness, I did get professional opinions before believing these thoughts, I'm not insane. I'd have posted in recovery if I wanted or needed mental health help .