NEED to CTB the bus tonight... failed throat cut/partial

[dontwantthislife]

Howdy y'all

I'm 23, female, from Australia.

I've got a history of severe self harm (down to muscle), requiring multiple surgeries etc.
Been inpatient in a psych hospital a few times - worst time EVER of my LIFE. While I was there I cut my throat with a razor I had snuck in, I was 4mm away from the carotid and needed emergency surgery after severing the nerves, muscles, some lymph nodes etc.

I've tried partial hanging twice now, once just to see how it felt and last night to die.

Last night didn't work - I think because I was sitting down? I felt a tonne of pressure behind my eyes but no dizziness etc.

WHY I NEED TO CATCH THE BUS ASAP TONIGHT:

1. I have 2 infected cuts on my upper left arm that would require surgery to debride and suture closed, as they are down to fat/fascia. There is pus that smells revolting like cheese and the pain is insane. Of course, no doctor in this shit country will prescribed pain killers.

2. I got "discharged" from the mental health services for "not being severe enough", and a few days later I received a letter from a family doctor (GP) that I am not allowed to use their services due to "being too severe" and have "been removed from their records" -- so which one is it guys? Not severe enough for a psychiatrist, too severe for a family doctor. No one will prescribed me the psych medication that has worked previously (an SSRI called fluovoxamine) because I had a manic episode on it.

3. WORK - my boss has literally called me in this morning to say there have been complaints about me, to compare me to other colleagues etc. etc. I just sat there the whole time smiling knowing I'll be dead soon lol. Normally I would burst into tears but today I don't give a fuck! Saying I'll be reviewed in 2 weeks, just all this shit saying I'm not a very good person.

4. Family - I'm fortunate I don't have the whole "omg I can't I love my family" thing - my mum is a cunt to me, won't allow me to go to hospital for mental health reasons, attacks me verbally, says I'm an attention seeker, that I don't have any real mental health conditions etc. etc. So yeah here's to you! Hopefully I will stop embarrassing you so much now!

5. Friends - ignore my messages, never contact me, don't care for friends anyway.

6. Fat/ugly

7. Not living the life I want - wish I had studied medicine instead but I've fucked up too much to access that now. Not satisfied with my life. Covered in scars (neck, legs, upper arms, left hand).

Anyway there's like many more reasons but too hard to articulate them all.

NOW for CTB!

Method: I'm very interested in hanging but I NEED TO DIE. I have unlimited funds but things like N and other popular drugs are hard to get here, plus I want to go TONIGHT. I've read coroner reports and gotten ideas... some girl with BPD drank an acid but survived a few days until they pulled the plug. Lots of hangings.
Not interested in OD's - I have a severe vomit phobia.
Also afraid of jumping from height.
Not super afraid of jumping in front of a car/train but would prefer to not ruin other people's day as well.

Thanks if you even read this! Who's ready to CTB and just stop fucking saying we will and do it?

 

[Redt2go]

Well this is a lot of fucked up shit. Especially the health bit. Sucks that they're leaving floating in the middle
I hope you find an escape whether in life or death

 

[Sickman75]

Howdy y'all

I'm 23, female, from Australia.

I've got a history of severe self harm (down to muscle), requiring multiple surgeries etc.
Been inpatient in a psych hospital a few times - worst time EVER of my LIFE. While I was there I cut my throat with a razor I had snuck in, I was 4mm away from the carotid and needed emergency surgery after severing the nerves, muscles, some lymph nodes etc.

I've tried partial hanging twice now, once just to see how it felt and last night to die.

Last night didn't work - I think because I was sitting down? I felt a tonne of pressure behind my eyes but no dizziness etc.

WHY I NEED TO CATCH THE BUS ASAP TONIGHT:

1. I have 2 infected cuts on my upper left arm that would require surgery to debride and suture closed, as they are down to fat/fascia. There is pus that smells revolting like cheese and the pain is insane. Of course, no doctor in this shit country will prescribed pain killers.

2. I got "discharged" from the mental health services for "not being severe enough", and a few days later I received a letter from a family doctor (GP) that I am not allowed to use their services due to "being too severe" and have "been removed from their records" -- so which one is it guys? Not severe enough for a psychiatrist, too severe for a family doctor. No one will prescribed me the psych medication that has worked previously (an SSRI called fluovoxamine) because I had a manic episode on it.

3. WORK - my boss has literally called me in this morning to say there have been complaints about me, to compare me to other colleagues etc. etc. I just sat there the whole time smiling knowing I'll be dead soon lol. Normally I would burst into tears but today I don't give a fuck! Saying I'll be reviewed in 2 weeks, just all this shit saying I'm not a very good person.

4. Family - I'm fortunate I don't have the whole "omg I can't I love my family" thing - my mum is a cunt to me, won't allow me to go to hospital for mental health reasons, attacks me verbally, says I'm an attention seeker, that I don't have any real mental health conditions etc. etc. So yeah here's to you! Hopefully I will stop embarrassing you so much now!

5. Friends - ignore my messages, never contact me, don't care for friends anyway.

6. Fat/ugly

7. Not living the life I want - wish I had studied medicine instead but I've fucked up too much to access that now. Not satisfied with my life. Covered in scars (neck, legs, upper arms, left hand).

Anyway there's like many more reasons but too hard to articulate them all.

NOW for CTB!

Method: I'm very interested in hanging but I NEED TO DIE. I have unlimited funds but things like N and other popular drugs are hard to get here, plus I want to go TONIGHT. I've read coroner reports and gotten ideas... some girl with BPD drank an acid but survived a few days until they pulled the plug. Lots of hangings.
Not interested in OD's - I have a severe vomit phobia.
Also afraid of jumping from height.
Not super afraid of jumping in front of a car/train but would prefer to not ruin other people's day as well.

Thanks if you even read this! Who's ready to CTB and just stop fucking saying we will and do it?

Have you looked in the hanging thread yet? That has some good pointers in there to help you get started.

 

[dontwantthislife]

Have you looked in the hanging thread yet? That has some good pointers in there to help you get started.

Had a browse on my mobile phone last night. Will really do my research today!

 

[Sickman75]

That's what I'm on too, my cell phone. There was someone who got it to work by laying on their stomach. I can't remember where I read that at tho

 

[ThinkingAboutThis]

I am really sorry. That is a lot of suffering.

1. I have 2 infected cuts on my upper left arm that would require surgery to debride and suture closed, as they are down to fat/fascia. There is pus that smells revolting like cheese and the pain is insane. Of course, no doctor in this shit country will prescribed pain killers.

Can you somehow get help for this first? Is there any doctor that will take you at all? I am very familiar with that system where I was being told that my situation was too severe and not severe enough by different medical/mental health professionals at the same time. It was confusing as hell.

It is hard to plan anything in any way when dealing with this level of pain. I am really sorry. Sounds like horrible suffering. Everything else you wrote sounds like horrible suffering, too.

 

[dontwantthislife]

I am really sorry. That is a lot of suffering.



Can you somehow get help for this first? Is there any doctor that will take you at all? I am very familiar with that system where I was being told that my situation was too severe and not severe enough by different medical/mental health professionals at the same time. It was confusing as hell.

It is hard to plan anything in any way when dealing with this level of pain. I am really sorry. Sounds like horrible suffering. Everything else you wrote sounds like horrible suffering, too.

I went to a walk in clinic they said go to hospital, the wounds are so old now but still down to fat/muscle, filled with infection. Am I allowed to upload photos on here? Don't want to break any rules.

Basically the only option will be hospital, surgery to debride the wounds. Can't do that. Never ever want to go back there. Would rather die! Which is why I'm here lol.

 

[Partial-Elf]

Go to Walmart. Get rope, carabeaners, maybe a door anchor for resistance bands if you don't have a solid point to tie off. Use Carabeaner to form noose.

To achieve death, put the noose under your chin and sit down HARD and ALL AT ONCE. Don't ease in. If you don't lose consciousness in under 20 seconds with this procedure then something in your setup is somehow much different than mine and I can't help you.

 

[21Neberg]

Also consider looking into the 'night-night' method megathread, as that method seems to be relatively peaceful.

 

[Sickman75]

Go to Walmart. Get rope, carabeaners, maybe a door anchor for resistance bands if you don't have a solid point to tie off. Use Carabeaner to form noose.

To achieve death, put the noose under your chin and sit down HARD and ALL AT ONCE. Don't ease in. If you don't lose consciousness in under 20 seconds with this procedure then something in your setup is somehow much different than mine and I can't help you.

This is how I'm going to do it, if I have to go through this option. The old tried and true. Chris Cornell method.

 

[dontwantthislife]

Update: im still here, my infected arm has gone systemic, too unwell to get out of bed etc. once I feel up to it I'll be gone.

I lost my job! So I had this trip planned on Thursday net week I either CTB before then or do it straight after the trip ya feel

 

[Sickman75]

Update: im still here, my infected arm has gone systemic, too unwell to get out of bed etc. once I feel up to it I'll be gone.

I lost my job! So I had this trip planned on Thursday net week I either CTB before then or do it straight after the trip ya feel

Word. I understand thanks for the update .I was wondering what happened to you. If you were ok or not. Barely get in here and then this shuts down for 24 hours you only get 10 minutes it seems like

 

[dontwantthislife]

Word. I understand thanks for the update .I was wondering what happened to you. If you were ok or not. Barely get in here and then this shuts down for 24 hours you only get 10 minutes it seems like

Yes also almost every time I try come on the site is down!

 

[Sickman75]

Yes also almost every time I try come on the site is down!

Yeah same for me too. I like hanging out here too
What a shame it's too bad

 

[goxua]

@dontwantthislife hey there, how are you feeling? How is your arm? I've been thinking of you.

Liking this post is enough. You don't need to write anything. Just know, I care.

 

[dontwantthislife]

@dontwantthislife hey there, how are you feeling? How is your arm? I've been thinking of you.

Feeling increasingly more suicidal. Especially once my mother has started drinking in the evenings and starts getting aggressive. Last night she randomly drank one of my super expensive craft beers, that I particularly saved for drinking before my suicide attempt ARGH.

Other than that... tomorrow I'll find out if I've been re admitted into the mental health system. If it's a no I reckon I'll be stirred up enough to do it tomorrow night.

Otherwise a week or so away - will have to go on this stupid family vacation that was fully paid for for me.

Once I'm dead I'm dead forever - what's another week or 2?

 

[goxua]

Feeling increasingly more suicidal. Especially once my mother has started drinking in the evenings and starts getting aggressive. Last night she randomly drank one of my super expensive craft beers, that I particularly saved for drinking before my suicide attempt ARGH.

Other than that... tomorrow I'll find out if I've been re admitted into the mental health system. If it's a no I reckon I'll be stirred up enough to do it tomorrow night.

Otherwise a week or so away - will have to go on this stupid family vacation that was fully paid for for me.

Once I'm dead I'm dead forever - what's another week or 2?

Oh shit, I'm sorry to hear it's more of the same with a top up! You have my sympathy. Is it possible to stay out of your mother's way when she starts drinking?

I remember reading the situation of your mental health and services offered and not. It sucks but I will be hoping it goes your way.

When it comes to holidays, I'm always gonna support you take that time for yourself. Even if it means being a little anti-social. My time before CTB largely consists of travel.

Thank you for being so thoughtful to reply. Please keep us updated.