stermc
libertas quae sera tamen
- Nov 24, 2022
- 946
Hello, everyone! It's been a long time since I've posted a thread here, but anyways...
Before I get to the thing I need to put out of my chest, I think I have to recap briefly some things about my situation.
First of all, I have had symptoms of depression since I was 4 years old, when I started therapy. Can't remember exactly when the suicidal thoughts began, but since I mention it a lot in my diary (from when I was 11-12yo), I imagine it was around that time. So I have been on and off treatment (both meds and therapy) from a really young age (I am 25 years old now). I have also spent 3 months on a mental hospital by choice. And yes, I had a good experience. Also with my latest therapist, who is amazing and even though I said I wanted to stop treatment, she is always checking on me. Meds worked for some time, but started to make me feel numb at some point. So currently I am not committed to any kind of treatment.
Secondly, my diagnosis are: BPD, Major Depressive Disorder, with episodes of psychosis and melancholia.
Everyone who has seen any of my threads probably already know my parents (also my whole family and friends) are completely aware of my mental health issues and my suicidal ideation, especially my mom, who lives with me. And they are all really supportive and understanding.
The thing is: back in january, I sat down with my parents and told them I finally had found a method (SN) that I was comfortable with, and told them to prepare themselves because my intention was to do use it. Basically, my dad got too emotional and almost had a heart attack and my mom just kept looking at me, silently. It was obviously not comfortable, but they ended up asking me for a year, so I could try again with all the help I needed (also because I have been losing weight and that's something that bothered me a lot, so they thought I was going to be happier in the long run). At the time, I said I would try for them for as long as I could take for a year.
Well, it's almost june and in fact I am feeling better about my body, I found the good therapist, I started studying philosophy... but, yeah, still pretty much suicidal. I mean, in the 13 years of my life, I have tried ctbing at least 10 times in a serious way. But for the first time it's not only being planned, I am actually writing all the letters, writing the instructions, looking for the hotel I plan to do it, already bought all the meds, including benzos. I'd say I will be fully prepared in less than 2 weeks. But my sister's anniversary is june 17th, so I can't do it before it.
I don't know if my parents are completely aware that I am doing it already, but I think they do. My dad is a little bit naive, but I told him to talk about my suicide to his therapist, so... And my mom... Man, my mom. What a woman. Honestly, my biggest fear about dying is never seeing that woman again. She is everything and more to me. That day back in january when she was silent, she later came to my room, sat down on my bed and with tears in her eyes she said: "Stella, I know you are suffering, I can't lie to you, see you going would break me and I would miss your smell and spirit around the house, but I would never get angry because I don't want you to suffer for the rest of your life". You see, back in school, my depression was really bad and I remember she never left the house in fear I would hurt myself. Many nights at that time were spent by me sobbing and my mom holding me and dedicating her whole life to me. And also to my brother, who is an addict.
But now it's just me and her. My brother is still an addict but is living on his own, my sister moved out with her boyfriend, and my dad is her best friend, but they are divorced, so it's me, my mama and our two old ladies dogs.
Anyway, I am really skeptical, but analyzing the connection I have with mama, I can see that we are not here together randomly (maybe we are), but I truly believe we have encountered each other. And I have no idea what this means, it is just a feeling.
I am sure my mom knows I am planning and I have the feeling she believes I am going this time, because she keeps hugging me and smelling me. We sing songs to each others and it's always with that goodbye feeling.
So some days ago, my best friend I met here killed himself and I am suffering a lot (how hypocritical), so some days ago I was crying and mama came to me and held me for some minutes and said: "You see, you are suffering like this and you have known this guy for 4 months, has never even seen him. Imagine how much I will suffer if you do it." She is totally right, but I told her to not tell me that because that was not fair to me.
Today, my therapist messaged me and when I told my mom, she said: "why don't you go back to the sessions now that you are off the meds?"; I said: "because at this moment I don't want to get better or live, but if I decide to live I am going back to her." The minute I said "if I decide to live", my mom just started crying, and she was washing the dishes and left all of it, looked at me and said: "honey, imagine if you decided to live! Oh my god, imagine!". At this point, I just broke down and she hugged me, sobbing, and I said: "mom, I can't anymore, You know that. You have to accept that". She just kept nodding her head lightly negatively and hugging me. Then I looked her in the eyes and said: "Mom, you know it's been too hard for me, I don't think I can stay", she asked me if I wanted to go back to the mental hospital (since the first time it was my decision), and after I said "no" and reaffirmed I was suffering too much, she said "I know, honey, I know", hugged me again and I think that was it.
If you read all of this, thanks.
Basically. I am fucked, because I need to leave but leaving my mother is the hardest thing. It breaks my heart because I couldn't have better parents, especially a better mom. She respects my individuality, my opinions, and she is so open minded. I just realized she is turning 60 this year and she wanted to make a party to celebrate it, but it is in december. Yeah, I am completely fucked.
I don't know if anyone is even going to read all of this, but I just needed to put it out here.
Much love to you all. <3
Before I get to the thing I need to put out of my chest, I think I have to recap briefly some things about my situation.
First of all, I have had symptoms of depression since I was 4 years old, when I started therapy. Can't remember exactly when the suicidal thoughts began, but since I mention it a lot in my diary (from when I was 11-12yo), I imagine it was around that time. So I have been on and off treatment (both meds and therapy) from a really young age (I am 25 years old now). I have also spent 3 months on a mental hospital by choice. And yes, I had a good experience. Also with my latest therapist, who is amazing and even though I said I wanted to stop treatment, she is always checking on me. Meds worked for some time, but started to make me feel numb at some point. So currently I am not committed to any kind of treatment.
Secondly, my diagnosis are: BPD, Major Depressive Disorder, with episodes of psychosis and melancholia.
Everyone who has seen any of my threads probably already know my parents (also my whole family and friends) are completely aware of my mental health issues and my suicidal ideation, especially my mom, who lives with me. And they are all really supportive and understanding.
The thing is: back in january, I sat down with my parents and told them I finally had found a method (SN) that I was comfortable with, and told them to prepare themselves because my intention was to do use it. Basically, my dad got too emotional and almost had a heart attack and my mom just kept looking at me, silently. It was obviously not comfortable, but they ended up asking me for a year, so I could try again with all the help I needed (also because I have been losing weight and that's something that bothered me a lot, so they thought I was going to be happier in the long run). At the time, I said I would try for them for as long as I could take for a year.
Well, it's almost june and in fact I am feeling better about my body, I found the good therapist, I started studying philosophy... but, yeah, still pretty much suicidal. I mean, in the 13 years of my life, I have tried ctbing at least 10 times in a serious way. But for the first time it's not only being planned, I am actually writing all the letters, writing the instructions, looking for the hotel I plan to do it, already bought all the meds, including benzos. I'd say I will be fully prepared in less than 2 weeks. But my sister's anniversary is june 17th, so I can't do it before it.
I don't know if my parents are completely aware that I am doing it already, but I think they do. My dad is a little bit naive, but I told him to talk about my suicide to his therapist, so... And my mom... Man, my mom. What a woman. Honestly, my biggest fear about dying is never seeing that woman again. She is everything and more to me. That day back in january when she was silent, she later came to my room, sat down on my bed and with tears in her eyes she said: "Stella, I know you are suffering, I can't lie to you, see you going would break me and I would miss your smell and spirit around the house, but I would never get angry because I don't want you to suffer for the rest of your life". You see, back in school, my depression was really bad and I remember she never left the house in fear I would hurt myself. Many nights at that time were spent by me sobbing and my mom holding me and dedicating her whole life to me. And also to my brother, who is an addict.
But now it's just me and her. My brother is still an addict but is living on his own, my sister moved out with her boyfriend, and my dad is her best friend, but they are divorced, so it's me, my mama and our two old ladies dogs.
Anyway, I am really skeptical, but analyzing the connection I have with mama, I can see that we are not here together randomly (maybe we are), but I truly believe we have encountered each other. And I have no idea what this means, it is just a feeling.
I am sure my mom knows I am planning and I have the feeling she believes I am going this time, because she keeps hugging me and smelling me. We sing songs to each others and it's always with that goodbye feeling.
So some days ago, my best friend I met here killed himself and I am suffering a lot (how hypocritical), so some days ago I was crying and mama came to me and held me for some minutes and said: "You see, you are suffering like this and you have known this guy for 4 months, has never even seen him. Imagine how much I will suffer if you do it." She is totally right, but I told her to not tell me that because that was not fair to me.
Today, my therapist messaged me and when I told my mom, she said: "why don't you go back to the sessions now that you are off the meds?"; I said: "because at this moment I don't want to get better or live, but if I decide to live I am going back to her." The minute I said "if I decide to live", my mom just started crying, and she was washing the dishes and left all of it, looked at me and said: "honey, imagine if you decided to live! Oh my god, imagine!". At this point, I just broke down and she hugged me, sobbing, and I said: "mom, I can't anymore, You know that. You have to accept that". She just kept nodding her head lightly negatively and hugging me. Then I looked her in the eyes and said: "Mom, you know it's been too hard for me, I don't think I can stay", she asked me if I wanted to go back to the mental hospital (since the first time it was my decision), and after I said "no" and reaffirmed I was suffering too much, she said "I know, honey, I know", hugged me again and I think that was it.
If you read all of this, thanks.
Basically. I am fucked, because I need to leave but leaving my mother is the hardest thing. It breaks my heart because I couldn't have better parents, especially a better mom. She respects my individuality, my opinions, and she is so open minded. I just realized she is turning 60 this year and she wanted to make a party to celebrate it, but it is in december. Yeah, I am completely fucked.
I don't know if anyone is even going to read all of this, but I just needed to put it out here.
Much love to you all. <3
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