I know my life is over, and yet I have a hard time making that final push. That final step to actually CTB and be done with it.
I've given up, I'm 32 and Bipolar. I've tried many times to improve my life and it's only brought more misery. There is a mountain of trauma and regret under my feet and every single day is just me wishing that I could. I know it's over and that all my dreams are impossible because of the way that my brain is. Others don't accept this, they still want to see "hope" when there is simply none to be found for someone like me.
I know my method, I'm an American after all I will get a shotgun and shorten it, get piss drunk and bang. I know exactly what needs to be done, I know that my alternative is a life where I suffer until I die naturally/by accident God knows when. I know that the alternative is that I inevitably hurt more people when I don't want to. I know the alternative is that I bring the whole world down by my whole existence and yet I cannot seem to take those final steps to finally end it.
I'm not naive enough to believe that it won't affect people, no matter how big of a piece of shit I am. Even though logically I am doing the world a favor by ending it and ending my existence people will always have those delusions that somehow some miracle could have changed the person who killed themselves. Especially my parents, I've told myself before to wait until they die...but at the same time why should I. I try and tell myself that in the end it's the people who don't get why someone commits suicide who are the selfish ones. That no one should just force someone to continue living in such pain.
I believe these things, and yet I won't allow it for myself ... And I guess I just need someone to tell me it's ok to do this and that I need to stop being so hung up on what everyone else thinks. If someone could post here or PM me I'd really appreciate it...and at the very least thank you for reading through all of my drivel.
I've given up, I'm 32 and Bipolar. I've tried many times to improve my life and it's only brought more misery. There is a mountain of trauma and regret under my feet and every single day is just me wishing that I could. I know it's over and that all my dreams are impossible because of the way that my brain is. Others don't accept this, they still want to see "hope" when there is simply none to be found for someone like me.
I know my method, I'm an American after all I will get a shotgun and shorten it, get piss drunk and bang. I know exactly what needs to be done, I know that my alternative is a life where I suffer until I die naturally/by accident God knows when. I know that the alternative is that I inevitably hurt more people when I don't want to. I know the alternative is that I bring the whole world down by my whole existence and yet I cannot seem to take those final steps to finally end it.
I'm not naive enough to believe that it won't affect people, no matter how big of a piece of shit I am. Even though logically I am doing the world a favor by ending it and ending my existence people will always have those delusions that somehow some miracle could have changed the person who killed themselves. Especially my parents, I've told myself before to wait until they die...but at the same time why should I. I try and tell myself that in the end it's the people who don't get why someone commits suicide who are the selfish ones. That no one should just force someone to continue living in such pain.
I believe these things, and yet I won't allow it for myself ... And I guess I just need someone to tell me it's ok to do this and that I need to stop being so hung up on what everyone else thinks. If someone could post here or PM me I'd really appreciate it...and at the very least thank you for reading through all of my drivel.
