I can relate to being a perfectionist. I mean honestly.... it has been a constant theme throughout my life. When I was a child learning to draw (I'm an artist) I used to draw a line on a piece of paper and throw it out because I was unsatified. My mother would find a bin full of paper and go mad. It served me well in life however as I became skilled at modt things I put my hand to. So I definitely relate and don't think you should hate yourself for being perfectionist. It's purely a sensible way of avoiding accidents or failure. Human nature of a discerning mind. Many jump in feet first and never learn from their mistakes. Which is what mistakes are for. Learning.
Anyway, I went a little off topic. You're clearly in a bad place and if you're struggling with anxiety it really impedes your ability to focus on anything else so first of all maybe you can address that. Do you have anxiety meds? Anything you can do to take a breath and stop to take stock of things. You don't have to ctb this minute or this year or the next. It's something you can do when you have made your peace with everything that surrounds it,. Method included. It's something we all have to grapple with unfortunately and none of us are going to be in the best place given the subject matter.
You menrioned struggling to understand abbreviations.... Maybe you can start there. Post up a list of them you don't understand and I'm ceetain you get replies listing all their meanings.
Don't compare yourself to others, young or old. Many fail attempts. Probably most. I have failed an attempt at patial hanging and I was honestly very determined. My failure wasn't down to poor planning (although I didn't really plan at all). I fsiled due to SI (an abbreviation for Survival Instinct). I had blacked out and was flapping around. I was still somehow concious in some form even though I was tingling all over and couldn't see anything other blackness. Somehow my body pulled me out and I came around as I was entering another room. The sensation was like coming round from a head rush like when you stand too quickly after laying down relaxing only much stronger. I don't know how I was standing as just standing up too qjickly has made me come close to falling over in the past. Like many none suicidal will have no doubt experienced at some point in life. The point I'm aiming to make is that there is a lot that we don't have control over as instictive survival is so baked into our genetic make up and this echoes back to even the simplest of things in life and the human condition. We're slaves to it and can't blame ourselves for it's impact on our being. I think you need and deserve to be a bit kinder to yourself. So take a breath, give yourself time and pace your journey through what you're going through. Don't let be tempted to compare yourself to others, just find some understanding of you and your motivation and push theough a little at a time.
Is there somebody you can speak with about your predicament surrounding your professional life. From what you've told us your response to things and your feelings around it all are entirely natural and in my opinion very reasonable. Work environments and the pressures surrounding the expectations put on us are very unnatural. When you think about how we were once foraging and hunting to survive and the work system was/is considered a more efficient and civilised solution to things, it's ironically and aguably become a much more draining and harsher environment. It's occured slowly, bit by bit and shows no signs of letting up. Slavery under the guise of civilisation and elusive opulence. Can't even get on the property ladder without over paying into a lifetime contract. God forbid you do the natural thing and go buold your own home on a plot of land with materials foraged buy your own hand unless you have large amounts of money and the capacity to jump through all the hoops meeded only ro have the goal posts moved at the critical moments. It's a blueprint for disaster and there's no way out. So it's no wonder you (and many others) feel the nees ro hit the eject button. Only that has been taped over and hidden behind a locked door because you're no longer the owner of your life and destiny. Though they will never admit this and do everything to have you believe you're crazy and it's all in your mind.
It's hard not to fuck things up because there are no hard or fast rules in many cases. Conteacta are literally unreadable. Take foe example the terms and conditions you sign when putting your details into a google contract when setting up your new phone. That whole thing you're promptes to sign/tick to say you read it all is actually impossible to read in a day. It would take weeks to read the whole thing and there are multiple terms and condition documents to read in the whole process. It's officially accepted that you are lying when ticking to say you read it and serves as a ransom, signing away privacy rights amongst others just so you can gain functionality of the device you just spent hundreds on. The world has gone mad. It's corrupt and the emporer truly has no clothes. Only these days pointing that out gains no traction.
It's not you that you should be aiming your hatred and distain at. You're a victim like the rest of us. So I'll go back to my previous and original asvice which is to take a breath, eat something, give yourself time to get your mind around all you need to and gain a bit of perspective. There is no rush. Speak with somebody you trust if you can. Maybe seek professional help if it's a realistic option. Don't be embarrassed to open up but be careful about telling medical professionals about the desire to ctb as that can lead down a shitty path. Be honest all the way utpo that but leave it unsaid. There have been posts on the forum aaking for volunteers to chat with them. They usually get replies offering to talk quickly. Post a list of any abbreviations you don't understand and somebody will answer to tell you what they mean.
Remember you will get through this one way or another if you enlist a little help either here or professionally and take comfort in knowing that. During the meantime try to be nice to yourslef. Eat some nice food. Enjoy some media in whatever form you usually do. Take a xanax as you mentioned you have them and if you have a loved one nearby, get a hug. I'm sorry for you and what you're dealing with. I can tell you, for what it's worth that you are far from alone. You are one of many many people suffering this way and your feelings are valid in the most absolute way. The world/humanity is suffering a major glitch by its own hand and you are unfortunately a casualty whose reaction is entirely natural. It's hard to play a broken/glitched game. Sometime there is no work around without hitting the reset button. We have accepted this but the majority are essentially like 'boomers' attempting to operate a smart phone or are blissful in ignorance.
Life is hard but suicide is harder.
Wishing you the best!
P. S I have no issue with 'boomers'. It was just fitting for my analogy socplease don't take offence.
P. P. S Don't feel bad about being computer illiterate. We're here to help so feel free to ask questions for tech help.
Lastly, here's a link to the resource thread.....
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/suicide-resource-compilation.3/
