Need some advice

[DownFall]

I have planned to ctb in october since it's far away from holidays and birthdays. The problem is that I still live with my mom and have no strength to fake being fine anymore. All I do is lay in bed all day and say that I'm fine when someone asks. I'm constantly paranoid that she will send me to psych ward again and I will miss my window to ctb but on the other hand I feel like that would make it easier for her and everyone else to know that I got "help". I would do anything to ease their pain even if it means that I have to suffer a little bit more.

I'm stuck. If I just lived alone none of this would be a problem or if I wouldn't be so overly kind and sensitive I just wouldn't care when to leave or as much about how others will feel. I just feel like my mom would blame herself to death for not seeing that I'm suffering and not helping me.

Any advice on what to do?

Thank you for reading at least.

 

[Bukmeikara1]

IMO you are stuck between LIfe and Death. You think that you want to die while your subconscious(likely) want to live and because of that you set distant dates. You are likely in a huge conflict with your inner Self.
If you are really fixed on doing in October, why just don't give yourself a honeymoon of sort. For few months live somehow differently. Meet new people, explore Life. If anything, there is no big difference between staying bed and doing something else when the end point its sure.

 

[woxihuanni]

I think it's best to be kind to yourself first. You last months in the ward is not the best way to spend the time. Hugs

 

[Jean Améry]

It seems you have answered your own question: if you feel you can bear living longer to benefit your mother why not go to the psych ward of your own volition? If it doesn't work you can always CTB later and your mother will at least know you really did go the extra mile for her and tried everything within reason before choosing death.

In any case: if you do decide to do it write her a letter stating what you wrote here. It won't take away her pain but at least she'll know you truly loved her and considered her well-being when coming to the decision.

You're lucky to have a mother that is worth loving and caring about. Mine is a selfish b*** whose alcohol abuse and emotional instability dragged me down with her leading to 16 years of lost time, opportunities, relationships and finally my health. She's the major reason why I'm suicidal and why I'm very likely to die by my own hand.