Need some advice

[daikon]

I figure here's the place to ask, since if I ask anyone IRL they'll just tell me not to commit suicide which is...not helpful. I have two suicide-related problems, I guess:

1. Should I stop trying to make new friends and social connections? I so desperately want to be liked and I hate being lonely, but it feels irresponsible if not cruel to invite people into my life only to kill myself a short time later. (That being said a lot of people abandon or forget me pretty quickly, so I'm not sure how big of a problem this really is. It's not like they'll follow up if I stop texting them, for example.)

2. I want to die before/during May 2019. However, my mom is in the hospital with alcoholism-related pancreatitis, and my dad's mom is very old and sick, currently recovering from pneumonia. I worry that either or both of them could die pretty soon, within the next few years if not this year. My dad was a pretty shitty abusive father, but he's trying to make amends. I'm basically estranged from my brother now, but we used to be close. I know my life is mine to end as I choose, etc., and my dad was a real horror for much of my childhood, and my brother and I don't speak, but it seems cruel to kill myself when my mom and grandmother are so close to death.

I'd just appreciate being able to talk this through with people who understand how strong the desire for an end is after years of suffering.

 

[Smilla]

I certainly wouldn't be trying to make new friends or god forbid a romantic connection if you are resolved to ctb; however by asking such a question it tells me you are reasonably and rationally conflicted about your death since you still have the desire left to connect and aren't sufficiently alientated to really consider suicide as your only option.

 

[NotWorthLiving]

I would say that if you have your soul set on ctb, don't make friends, but if there is even a little bit of hope left for life, give it a go because there is a chance it could turn things around for you.

 

[daikon]

I certainly wouldn't be trying to make new friends or god forbid a romantic connection if you are resolved to ctb; however by asking such a question it tells me you are reasonably and rationally conflicted about your death since you still have the desire left to connect and aren't sufficiently alientated to really consider suicide as your only option.

I feel pretty alienated. Grieving a loved one is like being a social leper, so I just hide it. Romantic connections are totally out the window -- no one can love someone who's in love with someone else, and I'll be in love with my late boyfriend probably for the rest of my life. My social life is pretty sparse, but the real hell is in my head.

So, yeah, I don't want to die, but I also don't think things will get any better. Plus the only time I really enjoy life is when I'm dating someone. I want to kill time while I'm here, but you're probably right, I shouldn't be trying to make new friends.

 

[Hopeless_soul]

Should I stop trying to make new friends and social connections? I so desperately want to be liked and I hate being lonely, but it feels irresponsible

If you want to make new friends, go for it. Give it a try. No matter how painful RL can be, it doesn't compare to the internet, at all.

That being said a lot of people abandon or forget me pretty quickly, so I'm not sure how big of a problem this really is. It's not like they'll follow up if I stop texting them, for example

People come and go for different reasons, but that doesn't take you away the good moments you had with them. There's, of course, the risk of meeting nasty imbecils, but that's part of it...

 

[daikon]

I would say that if you have your soul set on ctb, don't make friends, but if there is even a little bit of hope left for life, give it a go because there is a chance it could turn things around for you.

You're right. I just don't trust that life has anything left to offer but more pain and disappointment.

 

[daikon]

People come and go for different reasons, but that doesn't take you away the good moments you had with them. There's, of course, the risk of meeting nasty imbecils, but that's part of it...

I guess that's my problem -- right now I have a lot more good moments to look back on in the past than possible good moments to look forward to in the future, if that makes sense.

 

[Hopeless_soul]

I guess that's my problem -- right now I have a lot more good moments to look back on in the past than possible good moments to look forward to in the future, if that makes sense.

I understand... I feel a bit like that too. But since you mentioned you had the desire of making new friends, why not giving it a try? That's probably a sign that you are still not ready for ctb. And that's a good thing. As Smilla said, you are 'probably conflicted about your death', and in my opinion, it's a good idea you explored the possibility of connecting with others.