Method Need SN & CTB plan advice for the clueless & desperate - please help

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

Hi
This is long & I'm sorry but I'm desperate.
I need an idiot proof guide to getting this right…
My SN from DMC is supposed to arrive in the next 3 hours. The time has finally come to get ready to actually CTB - within the next few weeks.
I'm a broken record about this & I apologise but the basics are I'm still living with my ex spouse but that is to end shortly, I've been delaying & delaying because the SN took a lot longer than I thought & I needed the physical address. Which I now can't guarantee for any further deliveries so no new online purchases are possible.
He is a snoop in general but particularly a digital snoop & tech savvy. I have zero tech skills & am limited to an iPhone, & research limited to handwritten notes. No screen shots, no other websites for research, no big screen to search & read everything quickly.
And I have ADHD. And only very small windows of time to research.
And I only have one chance to CTB.
And if the SN arrives today, I "should" be able to drag it out here with random excuses, without worrying about actually having to move house or not have a roof above me which has been a legitimate concern.
But now I need to hurry up & move my plan forward, knowing the end is in sight.
And I've got a really good window coming up where I can tell both work & my ex why I'll be away for a few days or maybe even a week - it's been nearly impossible to have a matching story & now something has fallen into my lap that is just perfect.
I will be CTB'ing in a hotel room, in a room with an internally locked door, with a note for staff to call emergency services rather than trying to enter. I have limited money & was gonna do it somewhere cheap & nasty but have since rethought & decided to splash out somewhere nice - even though the debt will be left behind, my ex will still get my super, my wedding ring, all my belongings to hock - I earn very little but get a lot of freebies from work that are easily saleable. I am really trying to not put anyone out here.
But also, I guess now is also really the time to think about me.
My adhd wants me to procrastinate or focus on the wrong things like cleaning & organising the house (!! I'm not kidding!!) & my concentration is non-existent -just none - & I'm having a really big struggle.
The biggest struggle of my life TBH.
Plus I didn't completely believe the SN was actually coming & now it looks like it is.
So I have a bunch of problems that need sorting & would be thrilled with any advice.
Things that are easy for other people are really, really difficult for me - a combo of the phone, lack of time, money & tech skills, handwritten notes, physical health problems, adhd, no fixed address into the future & a traumatic brain injury that makes memory an issue for me.
It's a lot.
I know that I "should" be able to do this by myself & I've tried but I can't.
I really can't.
If I could, I would.
I'm not lazy, I am the hardest worker I know at my job & it's a big field. Working hard is in my blood - tough, strict farmer parents who taught me work ethic as a child.
But my work is within my skillset. And this is most definitely not.
And now I'm begging for the patience & mercy of strangers here to help me.
I really, really need it.
I'm a proud & independent person - it's not in my nature to ask for help, let alone beg. But it's where I'm at, so anyone that can help me fill in some blanks, please please do.
I am begging. I'm sorry.
My decision to CTB is final. It's been 3 decades in the making. But only a few months in the planning - I didn't know what I didn't know which is making me stress about how much I still don't know…
I can't see the holes in my plan.
I didn't know I couldn't just OD on prescription drugs in a bath - celebrities make that look easy, I guess.
I didn't know about SN, I didn't know about SaSu, protocols, nothing, anything. I've since learnt a little but not enough.
I have some specific questions plus also, if anyone can see holes in my plan that I can't see out of ignorance or lack of research, please point them out.
1 I live in Australia - I can buy some time where I can't be reached with work & ex but am unsure how long - I live near a state border - I didn't know if anyone reported me missing, would it be better to do it interstate to slow things down? Or is that not a thing? I haven't picked a hotel yet.
2 how much noise does dying from SN realistically make - again, I haven't picked the hotel yet - I don't want anyone to overhear & call for help - I've seen varying reports from people about the amount of noise & I definitely need to take that into account when I book somewhere.
3 the SN testing - it's impossible for me to get 2 x 1 litre bottles of distilled water but I did just get a 2 litre bottle - I haven't fully read how to test - can I use the one 2 litre bottle or should I get a second - I can't remember if there was a reason for single litre bottles or if that's just what's most common elsewhere.
4 more SN testing - I can't get the Exit test nearby or get any more deliveries but there's a pet store near me with aquarium tests. I "think" Stan's bible said 10mg/l or something like that?? I bought a test on impulse that I can return but didn't want to linger in the store - API test strips 5 in one. They had others in API & Aqua drop & maybe Tetra brands but I "think" they only went to 5mg/l maybe?? Does anyone know of an approved test for SN in any of those brands???
And is the testing difficult to do? I'm beyond shit at math & practical stuff. Just stupid at things that make sense to other people. I need everything dumbed down - I don't care if you sound patronising with instructions. Feel free to talk to me as ignorant. I'd rather that, TBH.
5 antiemetics - all I have at the moment is 25 tablets of prochlorperazine maleate 5mg that expired in 2021 - are they of any use? How many would I need? I don't know if they're any good or not - with no guaranteed address, I can't get meto delivered & I will not lie to my regular doctor & I'm hoping these are good enough ??? Plus I saw mention of seroquel which I have a lot of, but have been taking 400 a night for years & used to take up to 800. Taken for decades. Does that mean it's already working for me? Or that it won't work at all because I've taken for so long?
6) antacids - I saw a lot of brand names & stuff but not anything I recognised. Does anyone know the name of the active ingredient, the strength & how many I need & then I can just find at my local chemist???
Or the right one to get in Australia?
7 sedatives & painkilllers - I have access to a fairly large amount of temazepam & diazepam but don't know the right amount - I'm a woman in my late 40's weighing about 53 kilos. But I've taken 2 temazepam every night for a really long time & normally half a diazepam as well. Is it the more the merrier? Or will too much make me vomit? Will too little keep me concious too long? Plus I have about 60 panadeine forte tablets which are a paracetamol/codeine combo - 500mg paracetamol & 30mg of codeine phosphate hemihydrate 30mg. And a bunch of rizatriptan 10mg wafers that are migraine drugs - do they do anything???
8 other medication interactions - should I take any more of my current meds? Or should I stop some because they'll interact with SN or stop me from CTB'ing successfully - I take lamotrigine, Dex for ADHD, seroquel, the contraceptive pill, thyroid replacement, temazepam & diazepam. I also have the mentioned above but don't take at the moment & a bunch of Ritalin leftover that I took before the Dex but I thought avoiding the ADHD meds might be good because tachycardia might make me panic & call for help & fight against the sedatives???
9 tips for fighting SI - I plan to kill my iPhone & hotel room phone as soon as I am situated to decrease chances of trying to get help. But because SI is so natural & can't really be predicted, are there any tips for what to do in advance? Or at the time?
10 coming to terms with actually CTB - it's been 3 decades in the making, the decision is final, but now that the SN is coming, it's moving from a concept to reality. And because I've thought about this for so so long, how to make that mental shift, how to adjust that it's actually happening??
11 the fear - even though it's what I want, I'm scared. Partly that I'll fuck it up, partly of actually going through with it. I can't explain wanting something & being scared of it at the same time…
12 the seizures - I don't understand how they're caused, if you can prevent, if they're painful, anything about it. I started lamotrigjne this year but am still on a low dose - 50 in morning & 50 at night. Would that help in any way? Should I take more?
I need to know what to expect in terms of seizures. And if they can be prevented. And if it's painful. And if it's loud - if it's loud enough for people to hear in the next hotel room, if I should go to a caravan park cabin instead to get more space? Or if it's loud, is there a way to quieten it down? And is it seizures that are painful? Or the SN? Is any of it scary? Is any of it peaceful?
13 the protocol - based on what I have now, assuming it's not likely I'll get meto, what should I do - considering my age & weight but also with my history of all the meds above, what to do about the antiemetics - are the ones I have useful, how many temazepam & diazepam & antacids & painkillers & over what time frame & any meds to stop because of interactions.
I need this plan to be idiot proof. I'm the idiot. I can't afford to fuck this up in any way.
I have to do this once & succeed.
There is no back up plan.
Are there obvious things that I'm overlooking?
Are there obvious differences between successful & unsuccessful attempts with SN?
Can you drink any alcohol at all? Or does that make it worse?
Is making up the SN drink difficult in any way? Again, maths & practicality & research is difficult for me. My weight goes between about 51 - 53 kilos but no more variation than that.
If my SN is legit & I follow a protocol -either whatever I can find on here or if someone with the knowledge & kindness can help tailor to me & my meds, how long til I'm unconscious & is there any way to speed that up without vomiting. I want as little as time as possible between taking & passing out because of the unknowns of SI.
I know I'm "new-ish" on here but I lurked for a very long time because it took me ages, an embarrassing amount of ages, to set up a VPN & find my IP address & set up a SaSu account from a blocked country.
Just. No. Skills.
And I haven't written a lot of public messages, although I have sent quite a few private ones. I didn't come here to make friends or post random stuff which might make me selfish- I came here because I am desperate for help to do something I can't do by myself. Some things are just harder for me & I really apologise for that. But I can't ask anyone IRL & I don't know where else to go.
am desperate. I am begging.
Please, if anyone has even a single word of advice, please pass it on.
On this post.
In private.
As much or as little as you know.
As much or as little as you're comfortable sharing.
Even it's fucking obvious to an idiot. My memory just doesn't retain because of ADHD & TBI - those are facts rather than excuses. Maybe the rest of the above are excuses. I don't know. If I had known there was going to be such a time crunch involved…
But now is the time.
I beg of all, please, please help me help myself to do the one thing I need to do but don't know how.
Pass on my message to anyone you think can help. Anyone with pharmacological knowledge. A doctor. Someone who knows people that have succeeded with SN & how they made it work. People who have failed attempts & know where they went wrong. I'm so far beyond worried this long post full of dumb questions will be ignored.
That people won't read.
That people will think I should be able to do this by myself.
That I'm stupid. Or greedy. Or lazy.
Please be kind & respond.
If you can help, please help. If you know someone, please ask their help for me.
It shames me to beg but I can't do this alone.
Please help.

 

[Qimaster]

Bumping this post up cause I have no relevant info rn but truly understand the desperation you feel. I'm in a similar position

 

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

Thank you so much - I truly appreciate it. I'm doing a bad job at this & begging sucks. But I need a lot of help & quickly & don't know where else to go for help. I'm sorry you're in a similar position - it's not fun

 

[N3UR0T1C]

1. I do not live in Australia so this question is a bit difficult for me to answer, generally though missing person reports on adults take quite a long time to even begin to investigate.

2. It makes a moderate amount of noise, but you can mitigate it. You may potentially vomit at some point, and you will likely seize. If you want to avoid loud noises, I would suggest laying yourself on the ground in the recovery position (on your side, face pointed towards the ground to avoid aspiration) to avoid the sound of you falling out of a chair or bed if the seizures are severe.

3 and 4. I do not have much experience with actually testing SN samples, but the instructions on the test should be pretty clear. If you got your stuff from DMC, it is very likely to be pure, so I wouldn't concern yourself too much if you cannot figure out the testing.

5. Your antiemetic isn't the top choice, but it does have significant D2 activity which is the most important part of SN antiemetics. The drug strength is still likely intact for the most part. I'm not familiar with the dosing for the drug, but make sure to take enough to account for potential purity losses due to decomposition of the active ingredient.

6. Any kind of long-acting antacid combined with a short acting antacid on the day of will work. Sodium Bicarbonate for the short-acting, and I'm not sure what long-acting medications exist in Australia, but your chemist would probably know.

7. In terms of the sedative medications, I won't recommend a dosage but you should probably take a little more than what you would normally take to feel a strong sedative effect. In terms of the painkillers, take a minimal amount to knock out any headache or discomfort you might feel during the process. Don't bother with the migrane drugs. Also don't bother with the seroquel, it has the same underlying mechanism of action as the antiemetic plus a bunch of other random effects that could interfere with the process.

8. Discontinue all medications beyond the ones needed for the process.

9. The best way to kill SI is the aforementioned sedative medications.

10. I have no advice for frame of mind. It is your decision to make, if you feel it is right than you will make it.

11. Fear of the unknown is natural. If you're feeling discomfort day-to-day, you can always take some of your sedative medication, as you seem to have enough.

12. You can continue your anticonvulsants to potentially offset seizure risk, the sedatives will also counter it. The seizures with SN typically occur after the onset of unconsciousness, as the brain is oxygen starved and cells are dying. It shouldn't be painful for that reason.

13. Use the PPH Protocol for SN, it is somewhere in the suicide megathreads sticky. Replace the meto with the proper dosages of your chosen antiemetic, and take the sedatives and painkillers in the dosages you desire the day of an hour or two before SN ingestion.

14. I didn't notice anything you are overlooking

15. Unsuccessful attempts are rare unless you are discovered. If you are stopped or it does not succeed, you are extremely unlikely to end up with neurological damage.
16. Don't drink alcohol. It slows gastric emptying and increases your vomiting risk.

17. No, making the drink isn't difficult. Follow the dosing guide on the sticky, and dissolve it in around 50ml of water. If you aren't exact on the water, it really doesn't matter.
18. Unconsciousness times vary wildly, typically it is within 30 minutes to 2 hours. Not as familiar with this part, but there's a lot of resources here.


Let me know if I can answer anything else. I hope everything works out for you, one way or another.

 

[itsalittlecold]

1. I do not live in Australia so this question is a bit difficult for me to answer, generally though missing person reports on adults take quite a long time to even begin to investigate.

2. It makes a moderate amount of noise, but you can mitigate it. You may potentially vomit at some point, and you will likely seize. If you want to avoid loud noises, I would suggest laying yourself on the ground in the recovery position (on your side, face pointed towards the ground to avoid aspiration) to avoid the sound of you falling out of a chair or bed if the seizures are severe.

3 and 4. I do not have much experience with actually testing SN samples, but the instructions on the test should be pretty clear. If you got your stuff from DMC, it is very likely to be pure, so I wouldn't concern yourself too much if you cannot figure out the testing.

5. Your antiemetic isn't the top choice, but it does have significant D2 activity which is the most important part of SN antiemetics. The drug strength is still likely intact for the most part. I'm not familiar with the dosing for the drug, but make sure to take enough to account for potential purity losses due to decomposition of the active ingredient.

6. Any kind of long-acting antacid combined with a short acting antacid on the day of will work. Sodium Bicarbonate for the short-acting, and I'm not sure what long-acting medications exist in Australia, but your chemist would probably know.

7. In terms of the sedative medications, I won't recommend a dosage but you should probably take a little more than what you would normally take to feel a strong sedative effect. In terms of the painkillers, take a minimal amount to knock out any headache or discomfort you might feel during the process. Don't bother with the migrane drugs. Also don't bother with the seroquel, it has the same underlying mechanism of action as the antiemetic plus a bunch of other random effects that could interfere with the process.

8. Discontinue all medications beyond the ones needed for the process.

9. The best way to kill SI is the aforementioned sedative medications.

10. I have no advice for frame of mind. It is your decision to make, if you feel it is right than you will make it.

11. Fear of the unknown is natural. If you're feeling discomfort day-to-day, you can always take some of your sedative medication, as you seem to have enough.

12. You can continue your anticonvulsants to potentially offset seizure risk, the sedatives will also counter it. The seizures with SN typically occur after the onset of unconsciousness, as the brain is oxygen starved and cells are dying. It shouldn't be painful for that reason.

13. Use the PPH Protocol for SN, it is somewhere in the suicide megathreads sticky. Replace the meto with the proper dosages of your chosen antiemetic, and take the sedatives and painkillers in the dosages you desire the day of an hour or two before SN ingestion.

14. I didn't notice anything you are overlooking

15. Unsuccessful attempts are rare unless you are discovered. If you are stopped or it does not succeed, you are extremely unlikely to end up with neurological damage.
16. Don't drink alcohol. It slows gastric emptying and increases your vomiting risk.

17. No, making the drink isn't difficult. Follow the dosing guide on the sticky, and dissolve it in around 500ml of water. If you aren't exact on the water, it really doesn't matter.
18. Unconsciousness times vary wildly, typically it is within 30 minutes to 2 hours. Not as familiar with this part, but there's a lot of resources here.


Let me know if I can answer anything else. I hope everything works out for you, one way or another.

Your answer to 17… I was under the impression it was 50ml of water?

 

[N3UR0T1C]

Your answer to 17… I was under the impression it was 50ml of water?

Yes, it is. Looks like I accidentally added an extra zero.

 

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

1. I do not live in Australia so this question is a bit difficult for me to answer, generally though missing person reports on adults take quite a long time to even begin to investigate.

2. It makes a moderate amount of noise, but you can mitigate it. You may potentially vomit at some point, and you will likely seize. If you want to avoid loud noises, I would suggest laying yourself on the ground in the recovery position (on your side, face pointed towards the ground to avoid aspiration) to avoid the sound of you falling out of a chair or bed if the seizures are severe.

3 and 4. I do not have much experience with actually testing SN samples, but the instructions on the test should be pretty clear. If you got your stuff from DMC, it is very likely to be pure, so I wouldn't concern yourself too much if you cannot figure out the testing.

5. Your antiemetic isn't the top choice, but it does have significant D2 activity which is the most important part of SN antiemetics. The drug strength is still likely intact for the most part. I'm not familiar with the dosing for the drug, but make sure to take enough to account for potential purity losses due to decomposition of the active ingredient.

6. Any kind of long-acting antacid combined with a short acting antacid on the day of will work. Sodium Bicarbonate for the short-acting, and I'm not sure what long-acting medications exist in Australia, but your chemist would probably know.

7. In terms of the sedative medications, I won't recommend a dosage but you should probably take a little more than what you would normally take to feel a strong sedative effect. In terms of the painkillers, take a minimal amount to knock out any headache or discomfort you might feel during the process. Don't bother with the migrane drugs. Also don't bother with the seroquel, it has the same underlying mechanism of action as the antiemetic plus a bunch of other random effects that could interfere with the process.

8. Discontinue all medications beyond the ones needed for the process.

9. The best way to kill SI is the aforementioned sedative medications.

10. I have no advice for frame of mind. It is your decision to make, if you feel it is right than you will make it.

11. Fear of the unknown is natural. If you're feeling discomfort day-to-day, you can always take some of your sedative medication, as you seem to have enough.

12. You can continue your anticonvulsants to potentially offset seizure risk, the sedatives will also counter it. The seizures with SN typically occur after the onset of unconsciousness, as the brain is oxygen starved and cells are dying. It shouldn't be painful for that reason.

13. Use the PPH Protocol for SN, it is somewhere in the suicide megathreads sticky. Replace the meto with the proper dosages of your chosen antiemetic, and take the sedatives and painkillers in the dosages you desire the day of an hour or two before SN ingestion.

14. I didn't notice anything you are overlooking

15. Unsuccessful attempts are rare unless you are discovered. If you are stopped or it does not succeed, you are extremely unlikely to end up with neurological damage.
16. Don't drink alcohol. It slows gastric emptying and increases your vomiting risk.

17. No, making the drink isn't difficult. Follow the dosing guide on the sticky, and dissolve it in around 50ml of water. If you aren't exact on the water, it really doesn't matter.
18. Unconsciousness times vary wildly, typically it is within 30 minutes to 2 hours. Not as familiar with this part, but there's a lot of resources here.


Let me know if I can answer anything else. I hope everything works out for you, one way or another.

Thank you so much for such a thorough & detailed response. I am truly overwhelmed with gratitude. My DMC delivery came yesterday & I got to it before my ex by sheer luck & a matter of seconds, stuffing inside my jumper. I have yet to open it as it is much easier to hide this way. I believe it to be from DMC & pure but would still like peace of mind of testing - I was approached by a number of very believable people on here who were so kind & helpful but turned out to be scams - it broke my heart that people would take advantage of someone as desperate as me, at all, but particularly as they seemed to genuinely care. So, better safe than sorry & will test. But because everyone is so confident of DMC & not wanting to open the package yet, that can wait a while.
Your comment on being on the floor in the recovery position is genius - definitely something I wouldn't have thought of - I'm sure I read a bunch of laying down & waiting, but the recovery position on the floor is spectacularly helpful.
To the point of discontinue use of other meds, how long prior to attempt do you mean? As in, that day, 2 days, longer??
And in terms of the antiemetic, I definitely can't get anything delivered & I won't implicate my normal doctor - should I be attempting to get meto from a random doctor? Or is it such a suspicious drug that you can only get from an ongoing doctor? I can potentially lie to an over the phone, dial a doctor / online request kinda thing, but probably not in person & definitely not to my doctor. Is there an easy way to get me to? Instead of dealing with the unknowns of my not ideal & expired current drug.
And regarding the temazepam & diazepam is there a minimum amount & would that change because I've taken for so long? Or is there a maximum amount before you start to vomit or whatever? Any tips on how not to vomit, other than the antiemetic, in terms of what to take & what to avoid? I don't want to just go to sleep, vomit safely, & wake up in 2 days time…..
I really appreciate the time & effort you've put into this & I hate to ask more of you, but this means more to me than you'll ever know.
Thank you so very much

Your answer to 17… I was under the impression it was 50ml of water?

Thank you so much for picking this up.
Do you have any further tips or advice?
I am beyond grateful for such generous advice.
But that doesn't mean I wouldn't be thrilled with more….
Particularly regarding the antiemtics, whether what I have is useful, how many to take etc.
Or if I defs need meto & is it possible to get from random unknown doctor?
And also, specifically regarding the temazepam & diazepam - regarding my long standing use of both, my age, my weight etc - is there a minimum amount to help knock me out? Is there a maximum amount that would make me start to vomit? Any tips on minimum or maximum of anything really - a 2 hour window sounds like a really, really long time - what can I do to speed it up without fucking it up…One shot.
There has been a very large incident today that I won't go into that is affecting my CTB window - it may make it much quicker, as in the next few days, or make it longer, as in a month. And I don't know which. I just know that it's really bad either way in terms of CTB plan, but also in terms of how the rest of my life before CTB'ing will play out. It is in the hands of others, very dramatic & very much outside of my control & very much making me worry that I'll forget or overlook things or have even less time to plan as I may get tied up in terms of these fucked up events. Or go quicker just to avoid. I'm begging for the empathy of strangers on here, because I'm sure as fuck not getting any support from the last remaining family members - my doc said people often choose a toxic tribe over no tribe, and that addicts brains are wired differently & if they're narcissists or whatever on top of that plus the level of entitlement… And to stop being shocked when the same people do the same things - I just always held out that there was still a shred of a human in there that could be reached, that we've been siblings for nearly 50 years, that that should count, but today proven there is no low they won't go to. I'm telling myself it's the addict in them, but honestly, what was left of my heart shattered today in a way I didn't think was still possible. Sorry, all beside the point, it's just been so awful. So awful.
Any advice, big or small, no matter how obvious to other people, I probably don't know what I need to know.
Any & all help needed desperately & appreciated beyond measure.
Please help or pass on to someone who can
Oops
I am beyond grateful for such generous advice.
But that doesn't mean I wouldn't be thrilled with more….
Particularly regarding the antiemtics, whether what I have is useful, how many to take etc.
Or if I defs need meto & is it possible to get from random unknown doctor?
And also, specifically regarding the temazepam & diazepam - regarding my long standing use of both, my age, my weight etc - is there a minimum amount to help knock me out? Is there a maximum amount that would make me start to vomit? Any tips on minimum or maximum of anything really - a 2 hour window sounds like a really, really long time - what can I do to speed it up without fucking it up…One shot.
There has been a very large incident today that I won't go into that is affecting my CTB window - it may make it much quicker, as in the next few days, or make it longer, as in a month. And I don't know which. I just know that it's really bad either way in terms of CTB plan, but also in terms of how the rest of my life before CTB'ing will play out. It is in the hands of others, very dramatic & very much outside of my control & very much making me worry that I'll forget or overlook things or have even less time to plan as I may get tied up in terms of these fucked up events. Or go quicker just to avoid. I'm begging for the empathy of strangers on here, because I'm sure as fuck not getting any support from the last remaining family members - my doc said people often choose a toxic tribe over no tribe, and that addicts brains are wired differently & if they're narcissists or whatever on top of that plus the level of entitlement… And to stop being shocked when the same people do the same things - I just always held out that there was still a shred of a human in there that could be reached, that we've been siblings for nearly 50 years, that that should count, but today proven there is no low they won't go to. I'm telling myself it's the addict in them, but honestly, what was left of my heart shattered today in a way I didn't think was still possible. Sorry, all beside the point, it's just been so awful. So awful.
Any advice, big or small, no matter how obvious to other people, I probably don't know what I need to know.
Any & all help needed desperately & appreciated beyond measure.
Please help or pass on to someone who can
Oh FFS
I don't know what I'm doing wrong here.
My response to itsalittlecold was supposed to be the first 2 lines.
And from then to the OOPS a separate, individual post. And then below the oops, the same bloody message was again, supposed to be a separate post. But obviously I can't even get that right & I gotta say that's disheartening…
I don't know how to fix or redo.
I'm sorry
Plus when I hit send on this, I don't know if it's just gonna attach to the above again. And if not does, I'm gonna cry. And be sorry again.
FFS if someone can fix or tell me how
I'm so sorry itsalittlecold I'm not trying to be a pain. It's very clear I'm clueless. I'm sorry

 

[Trav1989]

To me it looks like you know what you are doing and have all your bases covered, I wish you luck on your journey. I am looking to do the same soon and am going to order SN relatively soon ( the beginning of next month) as a back up plan for if my legal troubles aren't sorted out.

I got an excellent lawyer that costed me nearly every dime I had or id have ordered SN earlier. I am also going through a divorce myself (a VERY messy one at that) where I stand to lose everything and if that happens I'm planning to CTB. I also have terminal health issues and am not long for this world anyways but I would prefer to go on my own terms and in my own home.

You seem to possess a lot of the things I lack though for certain.

Again, much luck to you, life is extremely rough and I can't blame you for going this route.

Another possibility other than a hotel room is to acquire a rental in a more rural area to CTB in like I recently did as a backup plan but I realize that this can cost a lot of money, I just wanted to make sure there is no possible way for "help" to arrive and plan on doing this in a full bathtub so as to drown after falling unconscious to mitigate convulsions.

Then again, drowning has always been the way I have wanted to go personally. As an avid swimmer from a young age I feel like it would just be fitting to CTB in such a manner.

 

[N3UR0T1C]

Thank you so much for such a thorough & detailed response. I am truly overwhelmed with gratitude. My DMC delivery came yesterday & I got to it before my ex by sheer luck & a matter of seconds, stuffing inside my jumper. I have yet to open it as it is much easier to hide this way. I believe it to be from DMC & pure but would still like peace of mind of testing - I was approached by a number of very believable people on here who were so kind & helpful but turned out to be scams - it broke my heart that people would take advantage of someone as desperate as me, at all, but particularly as they seemed to genuinely care. So, better safe than sorry & will test. But because everyone is so confident of DMC & not wanting to open the package yet, that can wait a while.
Your comment on being on the floor in the recovery position is genius - definitely something I wouldn't have thought of - I'm sure I read a bunch of laying down & waiting, but the recovery position on the floor is spectacularly helpful.
To the point of discontinue use of other meds, how long prior to attempt do you mean? As in, that day, 2 days, longer??
And in terms of the antiemetic, I definitely can't get anything delivered & I won't implicate my normal doctor - should I be attempting to get meto from a random doctor? Or is it such a suspicious drug that you can only get from an ongoing doctor? I can potentially lie to an over the phone, dial a doctor / online request kinda thing, but probably not in person & definitely not to my doctor. Is there an easy way to get me to? Instead of dealing with the unknowns of my not ideal & expired current drug.
And regarding the temazepam & diazepam is there a minimum amount & would that change because I've taken for so long? Or is there a maximum amount before you start to vomit or whatever? Any tips on how not to vomit, other than the antiemetic, in terms of what to take & what to avoid? I don't want to just go to sleep, vomit safely, & wake up in 2 days time…..
I really appreciate the time & effort you've put into this & I hate to ask more of you, but this means more to me than you'll ever know.
Thank you so very much

Thank you so much for picking this up.
Do you have any further tips or advice?
I am beyond grateful for such generous advice.
But that doesn't mean I wouldn't be thrilled with more….
Particularly regarding the antiemtics, whether what I have is useful, how many to take etc.
Or if I defs need meto & is it possible to get from random unknown doctor?
And also, specifically regarding the temazepam & diazepam - regarding my long standing use of both, my age, my weight etc - is there a minimum amount to help knock me out? Is there a maximum amount that would make me start to vomit? Any tips on minimum or maximum of anything really - a 2 hour window sounds like a really, really long time - what can I do to speed it up without fucking it up…One shot.
There has been a very large incident today that I won't go into that is affecting my CTB window - it may make it much quicker, as in the next few days, or make it longer, as in a month. And I don't know which. I just know that it's really bad either way in terms of CTB plan, but also in terms of how the rest of my life before CTB'ing will play out. It is in the hands of others, very dramatic & very much outside of my control & very much making me worry that I'll forget or overlook things or have even less time to plan as I may get tied up in terms of these fucked up events. Or go quicker just to avoid. I'm begging for the empathy of strangers on here, because I'm sure as fuck not getting any support from the last remaining family members - my doc said people often choose a toxic tribe over no tribe, and that addicts brains are wired differently & if they're narcissists or whatever on top of that plus the level of entitlement… And to stop being shocked when the same people do the same things - I just always held out that there was still a shred of a human in there that could be reached, that we've been siblings for nearly 50 years, that that should count, but today proven there is no low they won't go to. I'm telling myself it's the addict in them, but honestly, what was left of my heart shattered today in a way I didn't think was still possible. Sorry, all beside the point, it's just been so awful. So awful.
Any advice, big or small, no matter how obvious to other people, I probably don't know what I need to know.
Any & all help needed desperately & appreciated beyond measure.
Please help or pass on to someone who can
Oops
I am beyond grateful for such generous advice.
But that doesn't mean I wouldn't be thrilled with more….
Particularly regarding the antiemtics, whether what I have is useful, how many to take etc.
Or if I defs need meto & is it possible to get from random unknown doctor?
And also, specifically regarding the temazepam & diazepam - regarding my long standing use of both, my age, my weight etc - is there a minimum amount to help knock me out? Is there a maximum amount that would make me start to vomit? Any tips on minimum or maximum of anything really - a 2 hour window sounds like a really, really long time - what can I do to speed it up without fucking it up…One shot.
There has been a very large incident today that I won't go into that is affecting my CTB window - it may make it much quicker, as in the next few days, or make it longer, as in a month. And I don't know which. I just know that it's really bad either way in terms of CTB plan, but also in terms of how the rest of my life before CTB'ing will play out. It is in the hands of others, very dramatic & very much outside of my control & very much making me worry that I'll forget or overlook things or have even less time to plan as I may get tied up in terms of these fucked up events. Or go quicker just to avoid. I'm begging for the empathy of strangers on here, because I'm sure as fuck not getting any support from the last remaining family members - my doc said people often choose a toxic tribe over no tribe, and that addicts brains are wired differently & if they're narcissists or whatever on top of that plus the level of entitlement… And to stop being shocked when the same people do the same things - I just always held out that there was still a shred of a human in there that could be reached, that we've been siblings for nearly 50 years, that that should count, but today proven there is no low they won't go to. I'm telling myself it's the addict in them, but honestly, what was left of my heart shattered today in a way I didn't think was still possible. Sorry, all beside the point, it's just been so awful. So awful.
Any advice, big or small, no matter how obvious to other people, I probably don't know what I need to know.
Any & all help needed desperately & appreciated beyond measure.
Please help or pass on to someone who can
Oh FFS
I don't know what I'm doing wrong here.
My response to itsalittlecold was supposed to be the first 2 lines.
And from then to the OOPS a separate, individual post. And then below the oops, the same bloody message was again, supposed to be a separate post. But obviously I can't even get that right & I gotta say that's disheartening…
I don't know how to fix or redo.
I'm sorry
Plus when I hit send on this, I don't know if it's just gonna attach to the above again. And if not does, I'm gonna cry. And be sorry again.
FFS if someone can fix or tell me how
I'm so sorry itsalittlecold I'm not trying to be a pain. It's very clear I'm clueless. I'm sorry

1. Discontinue all medications not neccessary for short-term survival within 72 hours of sodium nitrite ingestion.

2. The antiemetic drug that you mentioned in your OP should work fine enough as a replacement for the meto if you can't get it. It has the same underlying mechanism of action.

3. I would take twice the dose you normally take if you've become tolerant to the benzos, but that's just a guess tbh. Getting an exact dosing on the benzos isn't important, they just help calm you down.

4. Just make sure you fast for at least 8 hours before to avoid vomiting. No alcohol as well. You likely won't vomit with the antiemetic you have on board, and even if you do, it will be long absorbed into your bloodstream.

For specific dosing requirements, I would go to the 2022 PPH stickyed in this forum, and scroll down to the SN section. It has detailed dosing instructions for the SN as well as antiemetics. The dosing regimen for your antiemetic and metocloperamide seem pretty similar.

 

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

1. Discontinue all medications not neccessary for short-term survival within 72 hours of sodium nitrite ingestion.

2. The antiemetic drug that you mentioned in your OP should work fine enough as a replacement for the meto if you can't get it. It has the same underlying mechanism of action.

3. I would take twice the dose you normally take if you've become tolerant to the benzos, but that's just a guess tbh. Getting an exact dosing on the benzos isn't important, they just help calm you down.

4. Just make sure you fast for at least 8 hours before to avoid vomiting. No alcohol as well. You likely won't vomit with the antiemetic you have on board, and even if you do, it will be long absorbed into your bloodstream.

For specific dosing requirements, I would go to the 2022 PPH stickyed in this forum, and scroll down to the SN section. It has detailed dosing instructions for the SN as well as antiemetics. The dosing regimen for your antiemetic and metocloperamide seem pretty similar.

Thank you again for all your help. A dumb tech question though because of the digital snooping ex - I've managed to bookmark Stan's bible & such here to sit down & have a proper read.but yet to do. I'm slightly too young to get PPH from Exit. All the links I've seen on here are things that "look like" they need to be opened in some way - I'm too scared to open anything on my phone in the way of files or pdfs because of where they might go & what he may see & digital trails etc that could be used for blackmail or calling police or whatever. Are there any versions of PPH on here that are just pages on here that I can bookmark & read but not open in any way? No files, no pdfs, no adobe or any of the things - again, I don't know what I don't know - but if it's here anywhere as a page, I'd be grateful to help find it. Today has been one of the worst days of my life. In a not great life. I am in unfathomable pain. But you guys have been heaven sent. When I begged for help, this is what I wanted but didn't believe I'd get. I've only had the time today for a quick read & response but will read thoroughly again & take notes when I find time in the next few days.
I appreciate every second you've given me, every bit of help offered. Thank you from the bottom of my heart

 

[N3UR0T1C]

Thank you again for all your help. A dumb tech question though because of the digital snooping ex - I've managed to bookmark Stan's bible & such here to sit down & have a proper read.but yet to do. I'm slightly too young to get PPH from Exit. All the links I've seen on here are things that "look like" they need to be opened in some way - I'm too scared to open anything on my phone in the way of files or pdfs because of where they might go & what he may see & digital trails etc that could be used for blackmail or calling police or whatever. Are there any versions of PPH on here that are just pages on here that I can bookmark & read but not open in any way? No files, no pdfs, no adobe or any of the things - again, I don't know what I don't know - but if it's here anywhere as a page, I'd be grateful to help find it. Today has been one of the worst days of my life. In a not great life. I am in unfathomable pain. But you guys have been heaven sent. When I begged for help, this is what I wanted but didn't believe I'd get. I've only had the time today for a quick read & response but will read thoroughly again & take notes when I find time in the next few days.
I appreciate every second you've given me, every bit of help offered. Thank you from the bottom of my heart

One of the listed PPH links in the sticky has a "preview" which means you can read it without actually clicking "download" on the website. And regarding police contact, there's absolutely nothing they can do if they get a report that you are reading the PPH. Just tell the police that you have no intention of harming yourself. I have included screenshots of the relevant PPH sections in this response as well. The 2022 PPH only shows the short-prep version, which is effective. Replace the Oxazepam with your sedative of choice. Hope this helps!

 

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

One of the listed PPH links in the sticky has a "preview" which means you can read it without actually clicking "download" on the website. And regarding police contact, there's absolutely nothing they can do if they get a report that you are reading the PPH. Just tell the police that you have no intention of harming yourself. I have included screenshots of the relevant PPH sections in this response as well. The 2022 PPH only shows the short-prep version, which is effective. Replace the Oxazepam with your sedative of choice. Hope this helps!


View attachment 143633View attachment 143634

Golly - you're amazing! I cannot believe how helpful you have been. I have zero time to look at this right now but wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart. The police stuff is more that my ex would stoop as low as he can go so blackmail & threatening & calling psych wards & stuff, it's just in case he goes even lower than he has… I have thought of 2 or 3 more questions for you that would be awesome if you kept replying - you've been amazing, beyond amazing, but I need the details in front of me to ask & I don't right now & have to run. So stay tuned for hopefully just a few more dumb questions, but if you've run out of time & patience for me, I truly appreciate everything you've done so far. Thank you

 

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

To me it looks like you know what you are doing and have all your bases covered, I wish you luck on your journey. I am looking to do the same soon and am going to order SN relatively soon ( the beginning of next month) as a back up plan for if my legal troubles aren't sorted out.

I got an excellent lawyer that costed me nearly every dime I had or id have ordered SN earlier. I am also going through a divorce myself (a VERY messy one at that) where I stand to lose everything and if that happens I'm planning to CTB. I also have terminal health issues and am not long for this world anyways but I would prefer to go on my own terms and in my own home.

You seem to possess a lot of the things I lack though for certain.

Again, much luck to you, life is extremely rough and I can't blame you for going this route.

Another possibility other than a hotel room is to acquire a rental in a more rural area to CTB in like I recently did as a backup plan but I realize that this can cost a lot of money, I just wanted to make sure there is no possible way for "help" to arrive and plan on doing this in a full bathtub so as to drown after falling unconscious to mitigate convulsions.

Then again, drowning has always been the way I have wanted to go personally. As an avid swimmer from a young age I feel like it would just be fitting to CTB in such a manner.

Hi I have zero time today but wanted to acknowledge your response. I'm not being rude, I'm just time poor. I'm hoping to answer everyone that's been helping over the next few days. Take care

 

[LikeSand]

Hi we both live in Australia and I'm getting desperate too.


Can you PM me. I have a question.
Hi we both live in Australia and I'm getting desperate too.


Can you PM me please. I have a question about DMC. Thanks.

Hi we both live in Australia and I'm getting desperate too.


Can you PM me. I have a question.
Hi we both live in Australia and I'm getting desperate too.


Can you PM me please. I have a question about DMC. Thanks.

I'm in NSW. Please private msg me.

 

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

Hi
I attempted to start conversation with you but it failed… I literally don't know how to start a chat, I'm so sorry, & I've got zero time to figure it out… if you wanna let me know how, I can attempt tomorrow. For right now, I've copied the message that failed below.
Hey
I can answer a bunch of questions about DMC, depending on what they are. But I am yet to test mine & I've been requested not to share the link, & I'm gonna respect that. But if it's about customs & payment & such, ask away. I'm sorry that your situation has led you here & if it's other than requesting a direct link, I'll do my best to help you with what I can. Take care.

 

[easypeasy]

Hi
This is long & I'm sorry but I'm desperate.
I need an idiot proof guide to getting this right…
My SN from DMC is supposed to arrive in the next 3 hours. The time has finally come to get ready to actually CTB - within the next few weeks.
I'm a broken record about this & I apologise but the basics are I'm still living with my ex spouse but that is to end shortly, I've been delaying & delaying because the SN took a lot longer than I thought & I needed the physical address. Which I now can't guarantee for any further deliveries so no new online purchases are possible.
He is a snoop in general but particularly a digital snoop & tech savvy. I have zero tech skills & am limited to an iPhone, & research limited to handwritten notes. No screen shots, no other websites for research, no big screen to search & read everything quickly.
And I have ADHD. And only very small windows of time to research.
And I only have one chance to CTB.
And if the SN arrives today, I "should" be able to drag it out here with random excuses, without worrying about actually having to move house or not have a roof above me which has been a legitimate concern.
But now I need to hurry up & move my plan forward, knowing the end is in sight.
And I've got a really good window coming up where I can tell both work & my ex why I'll be away for a few days or maybe even a week - it's been nearly impossible to have a matching story & now something has fallen into my lap that is just perfect.
I will be CTB'ing in a hotel room, in a room with an internally locked door, with a note for staff to call emergency services rather than trying to enter. I have limited money & was gonna do it somewhere cheap & nasty but have since rethought & decided to splash out somewhere nice - even though the debt will be left behind, my ex will still get my super, my wedding ring, all my belongings to hock - I earn very little but get a lot of freebies from work that are easily saleable. I am really trying to not put anyone out here.
But also, I guess now is also really the time to think about me.
My adhd wants me to procrastinate or focus on the wrong things like cleaning & organising the house (!! I'm not kidding!!) & my concentration is non-existent -just none - & I'm having a really big struggle.
The biggest struggle of my life TBH.
Plus I didn't completely believe the SN was actually coming & now it looks like it is.
So I have a bunch of problems that need sorting & would be thrilled with any advice.
Things that are easy for other people are really, really difficult for me - a combo of the phone, lack of time, money & tech skills, handwritten notes, physical health problems, adhd, no fixed address into the future & a traumatic brain injury that makes memory an issue for me.
It's a lot.
I know that I "should" be able to do this by myself & I've tried but I can't.
I really can't.
If I could, I would.
I'm not lazy, I am the hardest worker I know at my job & it's a big field. Working hard is in my blood - tough, strict farmer parents who taught me work ethic as a child.
But my work is within my skillset. And this is most definitely not.
And now I'm begging for the patience & mercy of strangers here to help me.
I really, really need it.
I'm a proud & independent person - it's not in my nature to ask for help, let alone beg. But it's where I'm at, so anyone that can help me fill in some blanks, please please do.
I am begging. I'm sorry.
My decision to CTB is final. It's been 3 decades in the making. But only a few months in the planning - I didn't know what I didn't know which is making me stress about how much I still don't know…
I can't see the holes in my plan.
I didn't know I couldn't just OD on prescription drugs in a bath - celebrities make that look easy, I guess.
I didn't know about SN, I didn't know about SaSu, protocols, nothing, anything. I've since learnt a little but not enough.
I have some specific questions plus also, if anyone can see holes in my plan that I can't see out of ignorance or lack of research, please point them out.
1 I live in Australia - I can buy some time where I can't be reached with work & ex but am unsure how long - I live near a state border - I didn't know if anyone reported me missing, would it be better to do it interstate to slow things down? Or is that not a thing? I haven't picked a hotel yet.
2 how much noise does dying from SN realistically make - again, I haven't picked the hotel yet - I don't want anyone to overhear & call for help - I've seen varying reports from people about the amount of noise & I definitely need to take that into account when I book somewhere.
3 the SN testing - it's impossible for me to get 2 x 1 litre bottles of distilled water but I did just get a 2 litre bottle - I haven't fully read how to test - can I use the one 2 litre bottle or should I get a second - I can't remember if there was a reason for single litre bottles or if that's just what's most common elsewhere.
4 more SN testing - I can't get the Exit test nearby or get any more deliveries but there's a pet store near me with aquarium tests. I "think" Stan's bible said 10mg/l or something like that?? I bought a test on impulse that I can return but didn't want to linger in the store - API test strips 5 in one. They had others in API & Aqua drop & maybe Tetra brands but I "think" they only went to 5mg/l maybe?? Does anyone know of an approved test for SN in any of those brands???
And is the testing difficult to do? I'm beyond shit at math & practical stuff. Just stupid at things that make sense to other people. I need everything dumbed down - I don't care if you sound patronising with instructions. Feel free to talk to me as ignorant. I'd rather that, TBH.
5 antiemetics - all I have at the moment is 25 tablets of prochlorperazine maleate 5mg that expired in 2021 - are they of any use? How many would I need? I don't know if they're any good or not - with no guaranteed address, I can't get meto delivered & I will not lie to my regular doctor & I'm hoping these are good enough ??? Plus I saw mention of seroquel which I have a lot of, but have been taking 400 a night for years & used to take up to 800. Taken for decades. Does that mean it's already working for me? Or that it won't work at all because I've taken for so long?
6) antacids - I saw a lot of brand names & stuff but not anything I recognised. Does anyone know the name of the active ingredient, the strength & how many I need & then I can just find at my local chemist???
Or the right one to get in Australia?
7 sedatives & painkilllers - I have access to a fairly large amount of temazepam & diazepam but don't know the right amount - I'm a woman in my late 40's weighing about 53 kilos. But I've taken 2 temazepam every night for a really long time & normally half a diazepam as well. Is it the more the merrier? Or will too much make me vomit? Will too little keep me concious too long? Plus I have about 60 panadeine forte tablets which are a paracetamol/codeine combo - 500mg paracetamol & 30mg of codeine phosphate hemihydrate 30mg. And a bunch of rizatriptan 10mg wafers that are migraine drugs - do they do anything???
8 other medication interactions - should I take any more of my current meds? Or should I stop some because they'll interact with SN or stop me from CTB'ing successfully - I take lamotrigine, Dex for ADHD, seroquel, the contraceptive pill, thyroid replacement, temazepam & diazepam. I also have the mentioned above but don't take at the moment & a bunch of Ritalin leftover that I took before the Dex but I thought avoiding the ADHD meds might be good because tachycardia might make me panic & call for help & fight against the sedatives???
9 tips for fighting SI - I plan to kill my iPhone & hotel room phone as soon as I am situated to decrease chances of trying to get help. But because SI is so natural & can't really be predicted, are there any tips for what to do in advance? Or at the time?
10 coming to terms with actually CTB - it's been 3 decades in the making, the decision is final, but now that the SN is coming, it's moving from a concept to reality. And because I've thought about this for so so long, how to make that mental shift, how to adjust that it's actually happening??
11 the fear - even though it's what I want, I'm scared. Partly that I'll fuck it up, partly of actually going through with it. I can't explain wanting something & being scared of it at the same time…
12 the seizures - I don't understand how they're caused, if you can prevent, if they're painful, anything about it. I started lamotrigjne this year but am still on a low dose - 50 in morning & 50 at night. Would that help in any way? Should I take more?
I need to know what to expect in terms of seizures. And if they can be prevented. And if it's painful. And if it's loud - if it's loud enough for people to hear in the next hotel room, if I should go to a caravan park cabin instead to get more space? Or if it's loud, is there a way to quieten it down? And is it seizures that are painful? Or the SN? Is any of it scary? Is any of it peaceful?
13 the protocol - based on what I have now, assuming it's not likely I'll get meto, what should I do - considering my age & weight but also with my history of all the meds above, what to do about the antiemetics - are the ones I have useful, how many temazepam & diazepam & antacids & painkillers & over what time frame & any meds to stop because of interactions.
I need this plan to be idiot proof. I'm the idiot. I can't afford to fuck this up in any way.
I have to do this once & succeed.
There is no back up plan.
Are there obvious things that I'm overlooking?
Are there obvious differences between successful & unsuccessful attempts with SN?
Can you drink any alcohol at all? Or does that make it worse?
Is making up the SN drink difficult in any way? Again, maths & practicality & research is difficult for me. My weight goes between about 51 - 53 kilos but no more variation than that.
If my SN is legit & I follow a protocol -either whatever I can find on here or if someone with the knowledge & kindness can help tailor to me & my meds, how long til I'm unconscious & is there any way to speed that up without vomiting. I want as little as time as possible between taking & passing out because of the unknowns of SI.
I know I'm "new-ish" on here but I lurked for a very long time because it took me ages, an embarrassing amount of ages, to set up a VPN & find my IP address & set up a SaSu account from a blocked country.
Just. No. Skills.
And I haven't written a lot of public messages, although I have sent quite a few private ones. I didn't come here to make friends or post random stuff which might make me selfish- I came here because I am desperate for help to do something I can't do by myself. Some things are just harder for me & I really apologise for that. But I can't ask anyone IRL & I don't know where else to go.
am desperate. I am begging.
Please, if anyone has even a single word of advice, please pass it on.
On this post.
In private.
As much or as little as you know.
As much or as little as you're comfortable sharing.
Even it's fucking obvious to an idiot. My memory just doesn't retain because of ADHD & TBI - those are facts rather than excuses. Maybe the rest of the above are excuses. I don't know. If I had known there was going to be such a time crunch involved…
But now is the time.
I beg of all, please, please help me help myself to do the one thing I need to do but don't know how.
Pass on my message to anyone you think can help. Anyone with pharmacological knowledge. A doctor. Someone who knows people that have succeeded with SN & how they made it work. People who have failed attempts & know where they went wrong. I'm so far beyond worried this long post full of dumb questions will be ignored.
That people won't read.
That people will think I should be able to do this by myself.
That I'm stupid. Or greedy. Or lazy.
Please be kind & respond.
If you can help, please help. If you know someone, please ask their help for me.
It shames me to beg but I can't do this alone.
Please help.

I haven't read your full post, yet as I'm not sure what the abbreviations mean, yet. I'm new. But……I'm also in Australia and very ready and very serious to make this happen so I wanted to reach out. I'm on the West Coast. Both being Australian, we may be in a similar boat. I've researched options for some time now.

My reasons centred on debilitating pain for many years, now. You don't have to do this alone because I want to do this, too. And I'm taking it seriously. I have done a will, but I need to re-do it because I have been anhused by some family members and I want to rest in peace knowing they won't be there.. I have ordered things online. I've tried and failed with a tank of air of some kind. I'm not sure what I'm allowed to say.

One piece of advice I would give is if you can treat this like a project. Have paperwork, make notes, and where possible take the emotion out. It's a serious topic and it needs to be executed as such. I even contacted an ex boyfriend hoping he'd have a contact for a hit man. I have ideas coming out of my eyeballs but I'm yet to make my own post with what I know. I am glad I found this forum. Very glad.

 

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

I haven't read your full post, yet as I'm not sure what the abbreviations mean, yet. I'm new. But……I'm also in Australia and very ready and very serious to make this happen so I wanted to reach out. I'm on the West Coast. Both being Australian, we may be in a similar boat. I've researched options for some time now.

My reasons centred on debilitating pain for many years, now. You don't have to do this alone because I want to do this, too. And I'm taking it seriously. I have done a will, but I need to re-do it because I have been anhused by some family members and I want to rest in peace knowing they won't be there.. I have ordered things online. I've tried and failed with a tank of air of some kind. I'm not sure what I'm allowed to say.

One piece of advice I would give is if you can treat this like a project. Have paperwork, make notes, and where possible take the emotion out. It's a serious topic and it needs to be executed as such. I even contacted an ex boyfriend hoping he'd have a contact for a hit man. I have ideas coming out of my eyeballs but I'm yet to make my own post with what I know. I am glad I found this forum. Very glad.

Thanks for your response. I'm sorry for what led you here. What led us all here. I am very much treating this like a project - the only reason I missed my own CTB "dead"line was because I realised I didn't know enough & keep finding more things I don't know about. I hadn't heard of this site or SN or anything - but once I did I realised I had to put in the work. Plus the SN took a LOT LONGER than expected & then even though life circumstances have led me to my decision, there's also a few other life challenges / roadblocks that have popped up & need to be addressed. None of it good. My life is horrific & I keen & wail like an animal & I'm ready to go - but am not prepared enough. I have been very, very vocal about this - I want to CTB, the decision is made, it will not be unmade, I want it to be soon, it will definitely be this year, I would be thrilled if I could make it this month, I want one attempt only & to be successful. The desperation is scary because that's how you make mistakes. I bought a new will kit & power of attorney kit etc & will have it filled in with me at the hotel - I doubt it will be properly registered unfortunately - but all I want clear & will hand write with it - DNR.
In the time frame I'm dealing with, I can't get my separated husband removed from decision making or benefiting from my death - super etc - oh my golly, they refuse to make any decisions binding until a formal divorce & need to have CTB'd before I can legally get divorced & that sucks. But if I can really ram home the DNR & the people I DON'T WANT involved in decision making "hopefully" that will be enough from making it worse - as awful as my husband is, I have a family member that is worse & cannot have them involved. I don't plan to write a proper suicide note - just have the will kilt & medical power of attorney paperwork filled in, a note to say DNR, the date I decided to do this because that's important to me, & who I don't want involved - maybe even some form of evidence that I am estranged from the family member. That's about it. I am very scared about needing to do this quicker than I am ready, I'm scared that I'll fuck it up, I'm scared about everything I don't know. I will gratefully receive any advice from any person - I'm not here for sympathy or multiple attempts or long term friendships or anything else - no judgement on what brings other people here or to diminish their needs - just to be clear that I'm here because I need to be, I need to go soon & to be successful I need help. And some of the help has been overwhelming - I need it. Good luck with your journey - I'm probs not much help to you because I'm clueless & new too - I won't give out a DMC link - but if that is the route you take, I can give advice on time frames, payments, customs etc that are relevant to Australia - that is what I can help with if you need it - not the link, not anything to encourage you or discourage you - but I can help with AU logistics if you need it.
I'm a broken record on this too - if help will help, please get help. Otherwise, peace to you & the decisions you need to make.

 

[easypeasy]

Thanks for your response. I'm sorry for what led you here. What led us all here. I am very much treating this like a project - the only reason I missed my own CTB "dead"line was because I realised I didn't know enough & keep finding more things I don't know about. I hadn't heard of this site or SN or anything - but once I did I realised I had to put in the work. Plus the SN took a LOT LONGER than expected & then even though life circumstances have led me to my decision, there's also a few other life challenges / roadblocks that have popped up & need to be addressed. None of it good. My life is horrific & I keen & wail like an animal & I'm ready to go - but am not prepared enough. I have been very, very vocal about this - I want to CTB, the decision is made, it will not be unmade, I want it to be soon, it will definitely be this year, I would be thrilled if I could make it this month, I want one attempt only & to be successful. The desperation is scary because that's how you make mistakes. I bought a new will kit & power of attorney kit etc & will have it filled in with me at the hotel - I doubt it will be properly registered unfortunately - but all I want clear & will hand write with it - DNR.
In the time frame I'm dealing with, I can't get my separated husband removed from decision making or benefiting from my death - super etc - oh my golly, they refuse to make any decisions binding until a formal divorce & need to have CTB'd before I can legally get divorced & that sucks. But if I can really ram home the DNR & the people I DON'T WANT involved in decision making "hopefully" that will be enough from making it worse - as awful as my husband is, I have a family member that is worse & cannot have them involved. I don't plan to write a proper suicide note - just have the will kilt & medical power of attorney paperwork filled in, a note to say DNR, the date I decided to do this because that's important to me, & who I don't want involved - maybe even some form of evidence that I am estranged from the family member. That's about it. I am very scared about needing to do this quicker than I am ready, I'm scared that I'll fuck it up, I'm scared about everything I don't know. I will gratefully receive any advice from any person - I'm not here for sympathy or multiple attempts or long term friendships or anything else - no judgement on what brings other people here or to diminish their needs - just to be clear that I'm here because I need to be, I need to go soon & to be successful I need help. And some of the help has been overwhelming - I need it. Good luck with your journey - I'm probs not much help to you because I'm clueless & new too - I won't give out a DMC link - but if that is the route you take, I can give advice on time frames, payments, customs etc that are relevant to Australia - that is what I can help with if you need it - not the link, not anything to encourage you or discourage you - but I can help with AU logistics if you need it.
I'm a broken record on this too - if help will help, please get help. Otherwise, peace to you & the decisions you need to make.

My god. Your words. Every word resonated with me. I understand and am in the same boat. Everything you laid out sounds fine, with the will kit, DNR etc. I've also left a video on my phone of final wishes should there be any confusion. I really think you are going about it the right way. And I apologise, because I assumed you were a male as you sounded very matter of fact\analytical when I read your OP, and when I released you are also a woman…it was refreshing. I acknowledge the desperation but understand that the more I can remain calm, the better the outcome will be, and the better the meantime will be, too. I would be keen for advice on time frames, payments, customs. Anything that can help prevent spending money on non existent things which I have done before. Is there anything specific you need help with?

 

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

Hey
I've got a bunch of stuff still to work out.
I have expired antiemetics & I don't know if they're any good & have yet to find out - I don't even know if they're the right ones anyway. I have 25 tablets of prochlorperazine maleate 5mg that expired in February 2021.
I'm not really sure how to find out if they're any good. Or how to get meto or another antiemetic if I need it - I can't have it delivered & won't involve my GP in this, that's not kind. So I guess I need to find out if what I have is useful. And how many. Or what lies I need to tell (which I'm really uncomfortable about), to an online or walkin kind of doctor - I read a post on here. I just need the time. I thought this would be the last week of zero time & that I could then sit down & really do this - write out what I still need to get, where to book a rural hotel, write out my plan & post on here to see if people can find holes. But my circumstances are sucking all my time & I really don't know how to get through the busy so I can focus on this project. And I still don't know how long I can stay at this address - I'm doing a tap dance here. And I'm literally on here a couple of minutes a day on an iPhone because of how things are. I really need to CTB, I need everything planned - I just don't know how to circumvent life to get to death. I can easily get a few days away to CTB but I can't get any time earlier to do proper planning. I've still gotta get antacids too. I went to the chemist & got overwhelmed & realised I need to research that more too. Plus, it looks like I might have to wait until I can get my next prescription of sedatives too. I dunno. I keep finding problems but lack the time to find solutions. I have to prioritise it - it's just shitty circumstances & health issues & money problems & a divorce & a perfect storm of shitness - things that aren't even related to my decision to do this in the first place. Sorry. Crappy rant.
I won't give out the DMC link but if that's the route you take, I can help with logistics & AUS stuff. If you get links, you could send them to me privately & I can confirm if that's who I used & the process. But as much as I was desperate to get a backup source, I haven't been able to find anyone I was confident enough about in the time frame I had at this address. I've not yet tested mine either but I'm confident - fingers crossed - that I've got the right stuff. But if you use another supplier or method, I don't know anything. I'm putting all my eggs in one basket here which is terrifying - I want a plan b & c & d. I want every box ticked. It's just not working out that way. And yes, I'm a middle aged woman if that helps or doesn't - I am worried that I've now shared too much on here & my husband or whoever I don't want to know about this - they might be able to identify me - I don't want to be paranoid but I'm worried I'm getting stupid. I never expected to post so much on here - I really thought I could join & easily (the tech stuff from a blocked country was too hard for me), someone would tell me immediately how to be successful with what I had on hand, I'd do it straight away. Dead within a week of finding this site. That was the plan. I really really really wish it had been that easy.

 

[tankapi]

I even contacted an ex boyfriend hoping he'd have a contact for a hit man.

You probably already figured this out, but "hit men" as a profession don't exist. There's only police pretending to be hit men to catch murderers. I know you're suffering. The last thing you want is to get dragged into a criminal investigation.

 

[bebeblu]

Thanks for your response. I'm sorry for what led you here. What led us all here. I am very much treating this like a project - the only reason I missed my own CTB "dead"line was because I realised I didn't know enough & keep finding more things I don't know about. I hadn't heard of this site or SN or anything - but once I did I realised I had to put in the work. Plus the SN took a LOT LONGER than expected & then even though life circumstances have led me to my decision, there's also a few other life challenges / roadblocks that have popped up & need to be addressed. None of it good. My life is horrific & I keen & wail like an animal & I'm ready to go - but am not prepared enough. I have been very, very vocal about this - I want to CTB, the decision is made, it will not be unmade, I want it to be soon, it will definitely be this year, I would be thrilled if I could make it this month, I want one attempt only & to be successful. The desperation is scary because that's how you make mistakes. I bought a new will kit & power of attorney kit etc & will have it filled in with me at the hotel - I doubt it will be properly registered unfortunately - but all I want clear & will hand write with it - DNR.
In the time frame I'm dealing with, I can't get my separated husband removed from decision making or benefiting from my death - super etc - oh my golly, they refuse to make any decisions binding until a formal divorce & need to have CTB'd before I can legally get divorced & that sucks. But if I can really ram home the DNR & the people I DON'T WANT involved in decision making "hopefully" that will be enough from making it worse - as awful as my husband is, I have a family member that is worse & cannot have them involved. I don't plan to write a proper suicide note - just have the will kilt & medical power of attorney paperwork filled in, a note to say DNR, the date I decided to do this because that's important to me, & who I don't want involved - maybe even some form of evidence that I am estranged from the family member. That's about it. I am very scared about needing to do this quicker than I am ready, I'm scared that I'll fuck it up, I'm scared about everything I don't know. I will gratefully receive any advice from any person - I'm not here for sympathy or multiple attempts or long term friendships or anything else - no judgement on what brings other people here or to diminish their needs - just to be clear that I'm here because I need to be, I need to go soon & to be successful I need help. And some of the help has been overwhelming - I need it. Good luck with your journey - I'm probs not much help to you because I'm clueless & new too - I won't give out a DMC link - but if that is the route you take, I can give advice on time frames, payments, customs etc that are relevant to Australia - that is what I can help with if you need it - not the link, not anything to encourage you or discourage you - but I can help with AU logistics if you need it.
I'm a broken record on this too - if help will help, please get help. Otherwise, peace to you & the decisions you need to make.

You NEED to have your will witnessed else it's worth absolutely nothing. Fill it in & get a justice of the peace to sign it. Easiest way is to take it to your local courthouse & ask them to witness it.
You can change the beneficiary of your super online.

 

[enduringwinter]

I took expired meto and it worked just fine. It should be the same for all antiemetics including yours.

How did you get diazepam and temazepam? If it's from a prescription could you send me the doctor contacts, I'm also desperate.

 

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

You NEED to have your will witnessed else it's worth absolutely nothing. Fill it in & get a justice of the peace to sign it. Easiest way is to take it to your local courthouse & ask them to witness it.
You can change the beneficiary of your super online.

Hey, thanks for the response.
My ex & I are still married & will be when I CTB. I have no assets outside my super & my possessions, some of which I may hock, like maybe my wedding ring, if I get desperate enough or if I splash out on a fancy hotel to do it in. My super refused to change beneficiaries - I was gonna switch it to be a bit of an arsehole "a few more parting shots" but they are very clear I can only make a non-binding change & that it would take him 2 seconds to contest & win. So no assets, no change to super. I honestly haven't looked at the kit or seen how long to lodge - I had planned to be gone by now…. It's more to have in the room to show it wasn't spur of the moment & to see when I got it. And to make it clear who I don't want making medical decisions for me if something goes wrong. I've written out my formal wishes & just have to hope that my ex steps up if needed. I think the next closest person would keep me alive to watch me suffer & that's awful but true. I've seen what they are capable of….

I took expired meto and it worked just fine. It should be the same for all antiemetics including yours.

How did you get diazepam and temazepam? If it's from a prescription could you send me the doctor contacts, I'm also desperate.

Hey
Sorry but I get them from a long- term psych that doesn't hand out until you've been a long term patient. Every other doctor I've seen has refused, even when they see my medical history or whatever. I think there are legit docs & non legit docs & mine is the first & you need the second…If I knew a non legit doc I'd be hitting them up for new antiemetics or some oxy to help with CTB. Best of luck to you.

 

[bebeblu]

Hey, thanks for the response.
My ex & I are still married & will be when I CTB. I have no assets outside my super & my possessions, some of which I may hock, like maybe my wedding ring, if I get desperate enough or if I splash out on a fancy hotel to do it in. My super refused to change beneficiaries - I was gonna switch it to be a bit of an arsehole "a few more parting shots" but they are very clear I can only make a non-binding change & that it would take him 2 seconds to contest & win. So no assets, no change to super. I honestly haven't looked at the kit or seen how long to lodge - I had planned to be gone by now…. It's more to have in the room to show it wasn't spur of the moment & to see when I got it. And to make it clear who I don't want making medical decisions for me if something goes wrong. I've written out my formal wishes & just have to hope that my ex steps up if needed. I think the next closest person would keep me alive to watch me suffer & that's awful but true. I've seen what they are capable of….

Hey
Sorry but I get them from a long- term psych that doesn't hand out until you've been a long term patient. Every other doctor I've seen has refused, even when they see my medical history or whatever. I think there are legit docs & non legit docs & mine is the first & you need the second…If I knew a non legit doc I'd be hitting them up for new antiemetics or some oxy to help with CTB. Best of luck to you.

I got benzos from a strange doc once by pretending I was visiting from interstate & had left all my medication at home … gave her a list of psych drugs including the benzos..she raised an eyebrow but luckily I have a trustworthy face

 

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

I got benzos from a strange doc once by pretending I was visiting from interstate & had left all my medication at home … gave her a list of psych drugs including the benzos..she raised an eyebrow but luckily I have a trustworthy face

Wow! I'm not good at lying… I looked at how to block my caller ID on my phone & "probably" have time tomorrow to call a few pharmacies not near me to see if they've got any advice on my expired AE - to see if they're dead or just less effective & if they know whether to double up etc. And if they're dead, I'm gonna have to try & get meto. I won't implicate my real doctor, am very much avoiding them. I saw a thread on here on how to get meto in 10 min or something…
And one night when the insomnia was really winning, I looked at a bunch of the "online" doctors - I've used them in the past, twice for sinus infections, & once for another common prescription that I'd accidentally run out of, because my doc is expensive & too far away & I get sinus infections at the drop of a hat & the other med was not at all serious. But I timed one call at less than a minute. Less than a fucking minute. And some of their websites let you put in what med you're looking for & meto came up on quite a few. But I'm shit at lying. And worse at direct questions. And if I do it, I'll literally have to run through pretend scenarios or have a script ready like a goddamn job interview. I don't want to implicate a doctor but if it's less than a minute, they're probs not the type to care. And AE sounds important, particularly meto, mine is something else & years old. I'm honestly at the point where I'd rather swap someone some Ritalin or something rather than lie. Which is also terrible. I wish this whole process was a hell of a lot easier. And something I was confident of doing right.

 

[dying flower]

Hi we both live in Australia and I'm getting desperate too.


Can you PM me. I have a question.
Hi we both live in Australia and I'm getting desperate too.


Can you PM me please. I have a question about DMC. Thanks.

I'm in NSW. Please private msg me.

I'm in Brisbane, please feel free to message me

 

[bebeblu]

Wow! I'm not good at lying… I looked at how to block my caller ID on my phone & "probably" have time tomorrow to call a few pharmacies not near me to see if they've got any advice on my expired AE - to see if they're dead or just less effective & if they know whether to double up etc. And if they're dead, I'm gonna have to try & get meto. I won't implicate my real doctor, am very much avoiding them. I saw a thread on here on how to get meto in 10 min or something…
And one night when the insomnia was really winning, I looked at a bunch of the "online" doctors - I've used them in the past, twice for sinus infections, & once for another common prescription that I'd accidentally run out of, because my doc is expensive & too far away & I get sinus infections at the drop of a hat & the other med was not at all serious. But I timed one call at less than a minute. Less than a fucking minute. And some of their websites let you put in what med you're looking for & meto came up on quite a few. But I'm shit at lying. And worse at direct questions. And if I do it, I'll literally have to run through pretend scenarios or have a script ready like a goddamn job interview. I don't want to implicate a doctor but if it's less than a minute, they're probs not the type to care. And AE sounds important, particularly meto, mine is something else & years old. I'm honestly at the point where I'd rather swap someone some Ritalin or something rather than lie. Which is also terrible. I wish this whole process was a hell of a lot easier. And something I was confident of doing right.

Wow! I'm not good at lying… I looked at how to block my caller ID on my phone & "probably" have time tomorrow to call a few pharmacies not near me to see if they've got any advice on my expired AE - to see if they're dead or just less effective & if they know whether to double up etc. And if they're dead, I'm gonna have to try & get meto. I won't implicate my real doctor, am very much avoiding them. I saw a thread on here on how to get meto in 10 min or something…
And one night when the insomnia was really winning, I looked at a bunch of the "online" doctors - I've used them in the past, twice for sinus infections, & once for another common prescription that I'd accidentally run out of, because my doc is expensive & too far away & I get sinus infections at the drop of a hat & the other med was not at all serious. But I timed one call at less than a minute. Less than a fucking minute. And some of their websites let you put in what med you're looking for & meto came up on quite a few. But I'm shit at lying. And worse at direct questions. And if I do it, I'll literally have to run through pretend scenarios or have a script ready like a goddamn job interview. I don't want to implicate a doctor but if it's less than a minute, they're probs not the type to care. And AE sounds important, particularly meto, mine is something else & years old. I'm honestly at the point where I'd rather swap someone some Ritalin or something rather than lie. Which is also terrible. I wish this whole process was a hell of a lot easier. And something I was confident of doing right.

I was prescribed meto when I had a migraine…

 

[pilotviolin]

Wow! I'm not good at lying… I looked at how to block my caller ID on my phone & "probably" have time tomorrow to call a few pharmacies not near me to see if they've got any advice on my expired AE - to see if they're dead or just less effective & if they know whether to double up etc. And if they're dead, I'm gonna have to try & get meto. I won't implicate my real doctor, am very much avoiding them. I saw a thread on here on how to get meto in 10 min or something…
And one night when the insomnia was really winning, I looked at a bunch of the "online" doctors - I've used them in the past, twice for sinus infections, & once for another common prescription that I'd accidentally run out of, because my doc is expensive & too far away & I get sinus infections at the drop of a hat & the other med was not at all serious. But I timed one call at less than a minute. Less than a fucking minute. And some of their websites let you put in what med you're looking for & meto came up on quite a few. But I'm shit at lying. And worse at direct questions. And if I do it, I'll literally have to run through pretend scenarios or have a script ready like a goddamn job interview. I don't want to implicate a doctor but if it's less than a minute, they're probs not the type to care. And AE sounds important, particularly meto, mine is something else & years old. I'm honestly at the point where I'd rather swap someone some Ritalin or something rather than lie. Which is also terrible. I wish this whole process was a hell of a lot easier. And something I was confident of doing right.

hey not sure if youre still here and im not knowledgable on SN itself sorry, but; theres places international and run online that are legit where you can get hormones, contraceptives and non abusable medicines without a script (or if you have one you can order on there and not have customs throw a fit), its a risk of package seizure plus expensive/2-4 weeks to ship (however they should refund you if you dont get a package and are aware), i dont know if meto is on there but it might be worth checking if all youve looked at is like instant scripts or telehealth so far or good ole chemist warehouse (it is scary doing this stuff even for purposes of improving health i understand). with auspost you can do parcel collect, i never get anything delivered to my house, but i get some towns dont have parcel lockers or its way too inconvenient (or youre already doing that). the situation youre in sounds really stressful, im sorry youre going through this all, all the paperwork/formal things you have to do sounds complicated af.

 

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

hey not sure if youre still here and im not knowledgable on SN itself sorry, but; theres places international and run online that are legit where you can get hormones, contraceptives and non abusable medicines without a script (or if you have one you can order on there and not have customs throw a fit), its a risk of package seizure plus expensive/2-4 weeks to ship (however they should refund you if you dont get a package and are aware), i dont know if meto is on there but it might be worth checking if all youve looked at is like instant scripts or telehealth so far or good ole chemist warehouse (it is scary doing this stuff even for purposes of improving health i understand). with auspost you can do parcel collect, i never get anything delivered to my house, but i get some towns dont have parcel lockers or its way too inconvenient (or youre already doing that). the situation youre in sounds really stressful, im sorry youre going through this all, all the paperwork/formal things you have to do sounds complicated af.

Thanks so much. I'm still here. There's a minor inheritance coming my way & I was gonna use it to pay for a nice hotel to CTB - the lawyers said a week. I feel stupid coz I believed them…. And there's no update. But the promise of it coming is what's allowing me to stay at this address. If I'd known I'd be able to extend my stay, I would've ordered more stuff. DMC also quoted a week with express shipping & I think other peoples calendars just might have more than 7 days in them… I think it's too late to order the meto online though. I had planned to be sneaking some research time today but it doesn't look likely which sucks. The longer it takes… I just want to do it but also not fail. I have expired prochlorezapine (can't remember how to spell it), expired in 2021 & I've never taken it before. I popped one out & it looked normal, wasn't crumbly or smelly or anything, & the guides say to do a test run so I took one an hour ago, & so far, absolutely nothing, fingers crossed. No fits etc. But that also makes me nervous that there's no side effect because they've been rendered useless… always something to worry about - I really thought this would be easy & I feel dumber by the day. I had SN delivered to my house because I believed it (hoping it to be true) to be from legit DMC source & all the reassurances L gave me - apart from it not moving forever - stuck in Ukraine, stuck in Sydney, stuck at the postal sorting place that's walking distance from my house… and then fretting about getting caught etc. More by my ex than Aus post - trying to come up with a lie about what I was getting from the Ukraine did my head in. And yes, instant scripts is where I planned to go if I had to lie - my previous consults with them time at less than a minute. And yes, Chem warehouse is where I'm doing research - I'm going again this week after I look into whether you can use the throat numbing spray to mask the taste of SN. And to look at antacids - I saw someone on here recommending magnesium hydroxide milk of magnesia stuff plus others saying calcium carbonate which is just quickeze here. My problem is because of the privacy issues at home, I have to only use my iPhone & handwriting all my research - it's impossible to hide that I'm writing notes & it'll only make him search for the notebook & then he might find other things. And because of the digital snooping, I can't write notes on my phone. He definitely still had access to them this week. I "think" I've now done enough to keep them private but I'm just too scared that there's other tracking stuff. I can write on here because I have a phone cover that blocks my screen & every now & then I'll show him a long work WhatsApp or whatever, so he doesn't question me tapping away to write. But he also just might be reading later anyway. Another ramble sorry - was up most of last night, am devastated todays research is most likely not going to happen. But at least doing a trial run of the AE is something, anything. Thanks for trying to help me, I really appreciate the support on here - I really really really thought I'd be gone weeks ago & feel like a liar that I'm still here. But just because I decided to die, doesn't mean life stops happening & life is just throwing so many obstacles right now, on top of the shittiness. I hate it & I want to go. I don't know what led you to this site but I wish you well with whatever decisions you need to make. And any advice is always so appreciated. I've just gotta get a chance to write down what I need. I'm freaking out that my adhd is also really fucking this up - what if I get to the hotel & I've forgotten the bloody SN??????

 

[k1w1]

Thank you so much for such a thorough & detailed response. I am truly overwhelmed with gratitude. My DMC delivery came yesterday & I got to it before my ex by sheer luck & a matter of seconds, stuffing inside my jumper. I have yet to open it as it is much easier to hide this way. I believe it to be from DMC & pure but would still like peace of mind of testing - I was approached by a number of very believable people on here who were so kind & helpful but turned out to be scams - it broke my heart that people would take advantage of someone as desperate as me, at all, but particularly as they seemed to genuinely care. So, better safe than sorry & will test. But because everyone is so confident of DMC & not wanting to open the package yet, that can wait a while.
Your comment on being on the floor in the recovery position is genius - definitely something I wouldn't have thought of - I'm sure I read a bunch of laying down & waiting, but the recovery position on the floor is spectacularly helpful.
To the point of discontinue use of other meds, how long prior to attempt do you mean? As in, that day, 2 days, longer??
And in terms of the antiemetic, I definitely can't get anything delivered & I won't implicate my normal doctor - should I be attempting to get meto from a random doctor? Or is it such a suspicious drug that you can only get from an ongoing doctor? I can potentially lie to an over the phone, dial a doctor / online request kinda thing, but probably not in person & definitely not to my doctor. Is there an easy way to get me to? Instead of dealing with the unknowns of my not ideal & expired current drug.
And regarding the temazepam & diazepam is there a minimum amount & would that change because I've taken for so long? Or is there a maximum amount before you start to vomit or whatever? Any tips on how not to vomit, other than the antiemetic, in terms of what to take & what to avoid? I don't want to just go to sleep, vomit safely, & wake up in 2 days time…..
I really appreciate the time & effort you've put into this & I hate to ask more of you, but this means more to me than you'll ever know.
Thank you so very much

Thank you so much for picking this up.
Do you have any further tips or advice?
I am beyond grateful for such generous advice.
But that doesn't mean I wouldn't be thrilled with more….
Particularly regarding the antiemtics, whether what I have is useful, how many to take etc.
Or if I defs need meto & is it possible to get from random unknown doctor?
And also, specifically regarding the temazepam & diazepam - regarding my long standing use of both, my age, my weight etc - is there a minimum amount to help knock me out? Is there a maximum amount that would make me start to vomit? Any tips on minimum or maximum of anything really - a 2 hour window sounds like a really, really long time - what can I do to speed it up without fucking it up…One shot.
There has been a very large incident today that I won't go into that is affecting my CTB window - it may make it much quicker, as in the next few days, or make it longer, as in a month. And I don't know which. I just know that it's really bad either way in terms of CTB plan, but also in terms of how the rest of my life before CTB'ing will play out. It is in the hands of others, very dramatic & very much outside of my control & very much making me worry that I'll forget or overlook things or have even less time to plan as I may get tied up in terms of these fucked up events. Or go quicker just to avoid. I'm begging for the empathy of strangers on here, because I'm sure as fuck not getting any support from the last remaining family members - my doc said people often choose a toxic tribe over no tribe, and that addicts brains are wired differently & if they're narcissists or whatever on top of that plus the level of entitlement… And to stop being shocked when the same people do the same things - I just always held out that there was still a shred of a human in there that could be reached, that we've been siblings for nearly 50 years, that that should count, but today proven there is no low they won't go to. I'm telling myself it's the addict in them, but honestly, what was left of my heart shattered today in a way I didn't think was still possible. Sorry, all beside the point, it's just been so awful. So awful.
Any advice, big or small, no matter how obvious to other people, I probably don't know what I need to know.
Any & all help needed desperately & appreciated beyond measure.
Please help or pass on to someone who can
Oops
I am beyond grateful for such generous advice.
But that doesn't mean I wouldn't be thrilled with more….
Particularly regarding the antiemtics, whether what I have is useful, how many to take etc.
Or if I defs need meto & is it possible to get from random unknown doctor?
And also, specifically regarding the temazepam & diazepam - regarding my long standing use of both, my age, my weight etc - is there a minimum amount to help knock me out? Is there a maximum amount that would make me start to vomit? Any tips on minimum or maximum of anything really - a 2 hour window sounds like a really, really long time - what can I do to speed it up without fucking it up…One shot.
There has been a very large incident today that I won't go into that is affecting my CTB window - it may make it much quicker, as in the next few days, or make it longer, as in a month. And I don't know which. I just know that it's really bad either way in terms of CTB plan, but also in terms of how the rest of my life before CTB'ing will play out. It is in the hands of others, very dramatic & very much outside of my control & very much making me worry that I'll forget or overlook things or have even less time to plan as I may get tied up in terms of these fucked up events. Or go quicker just to avoid. I'm begging for the empathy of strangers on here, because I'm sure as fuck not getting any support from the last remaining family members - my doc said people often choose a toxic tribe over no tribe, and that addicts brains are wired differently & if they're narcissists or whatever on top of that plus the level of entitlement… And to stop being shocked when the same people do the same things - I just always held out that there was still a shred of a human in there that could be reached, that we've been siblings for nearly 50 years, that that should count, but today proven there is no low they won't go to. I'm telling myself it's the addict in them, but honestly, what was left of my heart shattered today in a way I didn't think was still possible. Sorry, all beside the point, it's just been so awful. So awful.
Any advice, big or small, no matter how obvious to other people, I probably don't know what I need to know.
Any & all help needed desperately & appreciated beyond measure.
Please help or pass on to someone who can
Oh FFS
I don't know what I'm doing wrong here.
My response to itsalittlecold was supposed to be the first 2 lines.
And from then to the OOPS a separate, individual post. And then below the oops, the same bloody message was again, supposed to be a separate post. But obviously I can't even get that right & I gotta say that's disheartening…
I don't know how to fix or redo.
I'm sorry
Plus when I hit send on this, I don't know if it's just gonna attach to the above again. And if not does, I'm gonna cry. And be sorry again.
FFS if someone can fix or tell me how
I'm so sorry itsalittlecold I'm not trying to be a pain. It's very clear I'm clueless. I'm sorry

Do NOT discontinue your valium or temazepam .....and on the night..... get the nasty stuff down then save half of a new script to put you out. Regards the Paracetamal/codeine pills, too much paracetamal makes you feel like crap so be prudent with it.