Need more courage to CTB

[Toobrokentofix]

I want to die. I'm so sick of myself. Of my inability to regulate or manage my emotions. I'm screwing up my kids trying to bring them up and I hate myself. Had gastric bypass just over two months ago to try to make myself happier. Have another shot at life. I'm losing weight but now can't eat for comfort and am not managing my emotions like an adult. I have SN and antiemetics. I have oralmorph and my dead parent's empty house... full of horrible memories and a pile of grief. All I need now is the courage to go through with it!! My SI is so horribly strong. I want to go tonight just need to be brave

 

[WornOutLife]

Damn, I can't lose weight because of what you said. I just hate not enjoying my meals.
It seems you're going through a lot. Hope you find the courage and peace soon.
Wish you the best!

 

[sadworld]

I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you find the right decision for you. Best wishes!

 

[Meditation guide]

I want to die. I'm so sick of myself. Of my inability to regulate or manage my emotions. I'm screwing up my kids trying to bring them up and I hate myself. Had gastric bypass just over two months ago to try to make myself happier. Have another shot at life. I'm losing weight but now can't eat for comfort and am not managing my emotions like an adult. I have SN and antiemetics. I have oralmorph and my dead parent's empty house... full of horrible memories and a pile of grief. All I need now is the courage to go through with it!! My SI is so horribly strong. I want to go tonight just need to be brave

You could sell the house maybe? Try to figure out some other means of self soothing? I've taught myself to munch on things like green peppers, green onions, pickles, apples. Once you get used to it you can still eat to self sooth only it's not junk food.

You survived the ordeal of gastic bypass so that's a miracle in itself. I hope you can figure out some other way. I used to punch a punching bag to get out my emotions and it worked well. Every day I gave myself time to get angry.

 

[Toobrokentofix]

Not tonight. It's not thought out or planned. No use being impulsive and failing. I'm too emotional and not rational enough. My mum died unexpectedly on September 2nd (12 days before I had my gastric bypass) and I am now waiting for lawyers to sort her estate and then I can sell the house. Right now I feel like to CTB there is almost like something that's meant to be. It's somehow very fitting! Growing up there was hell. My dad hoarded horrifically and my parents were both very screwed up and v. abusive to me and my sibs and everyone's mental health was really bad. All my sibs now all live in USA and it's just me who is local; going there to finish emptying/cleaning it out/checking on the place til probate is done and it gets sold. It feels very heavy being the only offspring left in UK only minutes from the house that we were dragged up in. Never thought I was a past- dweller but I feel swamped by it. I guess it's only been 11 weeks since my Mum died and the big family reunion was crazy-intense! I just feel pissed because death isn't appealing at all... whatever it is!! I wish I could just be alive and be stable without medication (which makes me feel empty of all feelings). I just need a new brain.

 

[AutoTap]

I understand if I had enough courage I wouldn't care about the pain and suffering that hanging would bring but I can't do it because if that.

 

[Nymph]

Sorry you feel that way, I'm sure it must be hard:(