Need help

[tired1221]

How much more am I supposed to take?

I found the love of my life in October of 2019.

We got along great, he is the best thing that's ever happened to me. In March of 2020 just as the world was shutting down and I missed some work before we officially closed our office I started having really bad pains in my left side, went to ER. They said my spleen was enlarged because of the blood cancer I indeed had...yeah...blood cancer. Was told I could do very low dose radiation to shrink the spleen and take oral chemo as well...On April 8th as I had repeatedly called unemployment since I hadn't relieved anything, I was told quite rudely by the agent I did speak to that I wasn't eligible and just because their was a pandemic going on doesn't entitle me to unemployment? Really? Went to my last radiation appointment after she hung up on me, only to discover that my blood levels were dangerously low, and I only mentioned it because my boyfriend said I should tell my doctor about it...hematologist took blood, only once since I left hospital 3 weeks before. My platelets were critically too low. Was told to go to ER, ended up spending 3 weeks in the hospital after finding out that my blood cancer hand progressed to myelofibrosis. They thought I was in a dire need of a bone marrow transplant right then. A social worker finally was able to get me set up with medical assistance and later food stamps....still no income. A work friend set up a go fund me, that took some off but went quickly and didn't help with a lot...phone car insurance....they put me on a variety of meds, some to build up my blood levels, some hormones to help, but soon they left me depressed and anxious, I felt myself lashing out at everyone. I checked into a hotel one night in the reasoning on committing suicide. My boyfriend called me saying he was on his way back to my house....I should have picked up and went home then, but I told him I was at a hotel to kill myself. We broke up, I went to hospital next day to tell them how I felt. Was there three days under consistent watch. They took my phone and all personal belongs away from me....my period started and never stopped until I stopped with the hormone meds. I still have a giant cyst o. My ovary that is also quite large, cyst is 7cm, and ovary is 8cm. I struggle everyday with missing my boyfriend and the depression. I still as of July 24th haven't received any unemployment. Early June my doctor said I was well enough to return to work with out restrictions, but I wasn't. I wasn't ready physically or mentally...I was tired all the time. I missed more work. I got a second doctor to tell me to be on less than 6 hours of work. Went back for a week, came in to hear I had a disciplinary action hearing for missing work while ill, they fired me in three days....saying my absences were not excused and approved. still not received any unemployment....still not getting any thing other then medical and food stamps, which were rejected last time I tried to use them....No rent paid or other bills, $1800 at least in rent I owe, $800 water bill, spoke to housing authority, oh they sent me something but I never got it because now someone is stealing my mail. Still been holding on hoping and wishing my boyfriend will take me back and give us another chance. It's the only thing that keeps me going.... tomorrow is the cutoff for all the covid help or relief. I have past due notices of electric, water, rent and all that....I stopped taking my meds , they make me feel worse. Tired of calling day in and day out to unemployment to never get through. Having cancer ruined my life and took everything away. My own parents don't even want me home because they are afraid of covid, they live in another state....I don't know how much longer I can keep going.

 

[eternalappraiser]

I'm sorry all of this has happened to you. I know it is terrible to be alone but I also know that someone who would leave you when you are clearly struggling is not worth being with.

I assume your experiences with mental health professionals has been negative, considering your hospital stay. If not, some people have been able to find help through that route. I imagine since you are here you are not interested in such a thing, so what do you need help with? Finding a particular, suitable method?

 

[tired1221]

Thank you. Yes. I haven't had luck with the mental health "professionals " at all. I think I have everything for the SN method. Just been looking on these forms to make sure I have all properly prepared. It's amazing that I know that I could get away with it, and no one would find me for quite awhile too, as no one checks up on me often anyways. Just thinking where to go to proceed. I tried reaching out before, and all everyone wants to do is make me feel guilty for talking like that, but they don't want to help. They would just call the authorities and be done with it... and of course all they do is lock you up for awhile, like that does any good..you just lie about feeling better so they let you out.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Life really did just leap on you out of nowhere and start beating you into the ground with all it's strength huh. Sorry you had to go through all this. You've been amazingly strong getting this far and I'm not surprise you've become exhausted from it all. We'll all be here to support you as much as possible whether you decide to end your life or recover. Wishing you the best.

 

[tired1221]

Tried leaving but ex? Boyfriend told me to go home.....so here I sit....alone. What's the sense? I got my car packed with everything he claimed if I didn't answer he was calling cops to put an APB out on my car! Came home haven't heard from him since....why am I sitting here???

 

[tired1221]

I tried to get a good night sleep with the help of a sleep aid, thought I would wake up and start my SN prep. A friend called me, and I told him I am about to loose everything, he suggested I put all my stuff in storage and go to my parents for a few months until I can figure it all out. Called my mom, want to know what she said??? Can't you go to a homeless shelter? Really?!? That's my mom! She don't even want me home!! Went to my ex boyfriends house, he told me yet again there was no chance for us to get back together!!! I said well, that's my answer! And I left. His brother said "See you later" and all I said "Goodbye Chris". Trying to get ahold of my sister, she's driving back from Mytle Beach as we speak. My moms phone is busy, no they don't have call waiting. I don't know who she's talking with this long..my friend said just go out there...she can't not let you in..you don't know my mom...she may not let me in. Can I prepare my SN drink in a cup with a lid, so I can have it ready in case I need to do this on the go? And is it really equal out to about 4 teaspoons SN to only 3 tablespoons of water? That sounds like it would be pretty thick? Just trying the stat dose, because I can't not drink that long in this heat. Still 2 hours is a long time to not drink, at least for me it is.... I just don't know if I want to be here at my apartment when I do it, in case someone does show up..any ideas on what would be a good place if I am not home? Thanks in advance. You are all great people here.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

4 tablespoons of water. It will not be thick, the SN dissolves. It is good 3-4 hours after mixing.

That said, think carefully about where you do it. If you're interrupted you can be saved and end up in the hospital and then a psych ward.

If you were living with your boyfriend he can't just kick you out, when if you weren't on the lease. It was your legal residence. He has to give you a reasonable amount of time. But I think you had your own place and don't have they money for rent. They can't evict you right away, there is a process, and there should be additional protections in place because of COVID. That doesn't mean they won't harass you and play dirty, but you need to know your rights.